Monday, February 2, 2015

How to Keep Your Pretend Job

Let's pretend you're employed.  How do you go about remaining so? 

For some of you the answer is: you won't.  What I am about to share is not for you.  It's also not for children, pets of any kind, rocks, witches, migratory birds, single-celled organisms, or giants.  This information is strictly for people who can pretend they are employed, and additionally, have the ability to imagine that they would want to stay employed. Oh, and its also for anyone and anything not included in the list of things that it is specifically not for. 

Was that confusing?  Let me try to simplify.  There was a list given.  That list contains the specific people and things that this post is NOT intended to help.  Anything or anyone else is probably going to benefit from it.  But, it is most helpful to the people who can play along with the concept as explained already a little bit ago.

So, a quick review.  Hypothetically, you're employed.  You have a job (that's just another way of saying you're employed).  You want to keep your job (again, hypothetically).  What should you do?

Well, the easy answer is that you should DO your JOB.  Sure.  That's true.  But in and of itself it is not enough.  Apparently its also not that easy.

Wait.  I'm being confusing again.  The answer is easy, but is not easy.  Damn!  I just made it worse.  Take two:  the answer to the question "how do you keep you job" is easy.  No, the answer is not "easy", its......  Oh hell!  The answer that is most commonly shouted out immediately without thinking much about it is " do your job".  There!  Shit!  Got it.

Anyway, right!  If you do your job you won't be fired for not doing your job. Good answer. But, what I was saying before I interrupted myself is that it seems not as easy to do one's job as it sounds like it should be. That isn't even the point.  Rather it is just a side bar observation and I really don't want to discuss it other than to say that its usually a problem with laziness or from missing appendages and such.

Do you realize that most employees do their jobs at least part of the time?  Its true.  Yet, in the US, over 36 million employees are fired every second.  (That's a statistic. We use them sometimes to prove points).

It doesn't take a Volkswagen mechanic to deduce that just doing your job is not enough to keep your job.  So what else do you have to do? 

There are really only two other things an employee can do to remain employed.  They are as follows, in no particular order;

1) Show up on time
2) Stay the whole time

That's it.  Show up on time and stay the whole time. Never let them see you when you aren't there.  That's not quite the right way to say it, but you know what I meant. There have been cases where just those two things alone have kept people employed for years.  I know a guy who did those two things, never once did his job, just showed up on time and stayed for his entire shift, every day for 42 years.  He died, but that doesn't mean you will.  The point is he never got fired.

There was another guy who did his job pretty well, he showed up on time and stayed the whole time, but still got fired.  I think he punched an Asian woman or stabbed the security guard maybe.  Probably would have been fine if he hadn't done that. 

Now that throws a wrench in the works, doesn't it?  I was trying to explain that you just need to show up on time, stay the whole time, and do your job to keep your job, but now I have started this partial list of things you shouldn't do if you want to keep your job. I could probably think of a lot more things to add to that particular list, but I don't have time for all that.  Anyway, it's not my job.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Missed Opportunities are Dumb

Maybe you didn't answer the phone when a buddy called with tickets to the big game, and by the time you called him back he had given them to that asshole Chad.

Maybe you had a great idea but didn't act on it and later you discovered that some other smart son of a bitch went ahead and invented the thing you though of first, and he is making a bunch of cash from it.

Perhaps you were not chosen for a job that you really wanted just because the other guy didn't talk with a fake British accent in the interview, and you did.

Did you have a crush on that girl in school but never talked to her only to later find out she was totally interested in you and that she is Scarlett Johansson?

I doubt if any of these ever happened to you.  But I'm sure you've had your fair share of missed opportunities. That's dumb.  It's also unavoidable.  I'm not saying you couldn't have captured some opportunities that you missed.  Not at all.  You could have seized those moments.  You could have answered that phone call or built that idea but you never could have dated Scarlett Johansson.  Ever.

It would not be possible to go through life taking advantage of every opportunity presented to you.  You are bound to miss a few.  You'll miss some and realize it immediately, like when an object is hurtling towards you head and you want to duck, but you're too slow.  You'll miss others that you will never know you've missed, like when you take a walk on a beach and step right over buried treasure. 

Missed opportunities can be frustrating to say the least.  I've explained how common and unavoidable they are, but that doesn't mean I accept it.  In fact, I am super pissed about the one I missed.

My friend Patrick posted his gas grill for sale on Facebook today . $50. Some psycho beast named Leah spoke for it before I even saw the post.  What was she doing? Sitting there waiting for him to post it?  Does she not have a job or a hobby or friends?  Who has time to watch Patrick's profile all day every day until he finally sells the damn grill?  He never uses it. It's a nice one . I wanted it. I've wanted it for over a year.  Here was my chance, but there comes Leah to "snatch" it away from me.  I hope it ruins her barbecue every weekend.  I hope it catches on fire and falls in her swimming pool.  Or better yet, I hope she is not smart enough to turn it on. Please, no one help her.  Let her sit there and know that she bought a $50 stainless steel lawn ornament. I hope she is too slow to duck when this object hurtles toward her head.  Too far? I should take this opportunity to shut up now.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

How to Waste Time Efficiently

When you waste time, you should try to be as efficient as possible. I know I've written about this before but I didn't waste enough of my time on it, and neither did you.

Given the relatively small amount of time we are able to devote to wasting in a given day, wouldn't it be smart to use it wisely?  Wouldn't it be wise to be smart about it?  If you could squeeze even more nothing in that time, wouldn't you do it? 

Of course the answers are all "yes".  If my math is correct, that's three yesses. As we know,  any time you get someone to say yes three times, you have seized control of their actions.  Any time you can seize control of people's actions, you pretty much win.  And when you win, you can act like a complete asshole without any consequences. I think.  But that's not my point.  Yes it is, but just not right now.  Right now I'm writing about how you should stop being such an idiot about how you waste time.  I'm going to solve the problem that most of you have, and that is;  you always wind up doing something when you are wasting time.  So here are some ideas of things to do or not do to get the least done in the most amount of time;

1) Sit still.  Don't move around too much, you'll just wind up doing something or going somewhere.  You might think its acceptable to twitch your foot in a fast rhythm but you are wrong.  That's never acceptable and it bothers people.  bothering people is usually a worthwhile endeavor, therefore not a waste of time. 

2) Clear your mind of useful thought.  It's ok to think about stuff, but it should be useless stuff.  Example;  thinking about who would win in an all-night backwards pretend swimming contest between your high school gym teacher and one of those robot vacuum cleaners is a good useless thought.  The chances of it ever happening are not very good.  At the most it's 50/50.

3) Do not sleep or eat.  Both of these are things your body needs.  Do them on someone else's time.  Breathing is something your body needs too, but you'll still have to do that or your available time to waste will significantly decrease due to your death.  Dying is not recommended.

4) Do not read. Well,  at least not anything important or thought-provoking.  Anything on this blog is fine to read,  but please no books or magazines or newspapers or backs of cereal boxes.  Social media sites may be acceptable,  so long as you do not engage anyone or "like" anything.

5) Stack things.  Make sure it isn't for organizational purposes though.  Don't stack folded laundry.  Don't sort anything either.  Stack any random objects within reach.  The odder the combination of shapes and sizes, the greater the waste of time.  If you can stack a full coffee cup on top of a salt shaker on top of a tennis ball on top of a butter knife standing on end,  you've wasted a bunch of time in a very short period.  Be careful here!  If the stack tumbles, you'll be tempted to clean up the mess.  Resist the temptation.  That would productive and not a waste of time.

6) Talk to your spouse.  Pick a non-essential subject that you know you are right about.  It will turn into an argument.  According to certain studies,  arguing with your spouse is one of the biggest wastes of time one can engage themselves in.  If you don't have a spouse, try it with your boss.

7) Avoid idiots.  It cannot be done. It's hopeless, and therefore a giant time-waster.

8) Wash towels.  Why on gods earth would you do this other than to waste time?  You only used them to dry your (theoretically) clean body and you are just going to use them again tomorrow. This is a smart way to be wise about your time wasting.

I hope this helps.  I have to go now because I have a three-foot stack of beer bottles and hardboiled eggs I need to attend to.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Here You Go. You're Welcome.

Oh hell yeeeyah! I finally get to do that one thing I believe I was born and sent here to do.  Well, no.  There are closer to fifteen reasons I was born and sent into your life.  But this is just one of them, and I haven't gotten to do this for several days.  Before I tell you what it is, allow me to toy with you for a long time first.  

I can give hints if you want.  Do you like guessing games? NO GAMES!  Get to work!  Actually and realistically, all kidding aside, get back to work.  By "work" I mean finish reading this.  It is actually and factually mandatory that you read it.  If you don't read it you will be suffocated by used garbage bags clinging to you nose and mouth.  If you stop half way through you will be covered entirely, head to toe, in the juice that has been sucked out of people's mouths by that tiny vacuum thing the dentist uses.  And if you read but fail to comprehend, you will be placed on a step stool in the cafeteria wearing only a catchers mask while coworkers stab you repeatedly with bendy straws.  Yeah, I guess you better read on.  Don't you think, chief?

Oh shit!  Almost forgot.  The hints!  

What I am about to do will certainly be a topic of conversation amongst the hourlies for quite some time to come.  It will have a dramatic impact on their loathing of themselves and life in general, and the trend will upwards.  This thing I am about to do will change the way workplace violence is conducted, and the trend will be towards quickly and often.

Have you guessed it yet?  No?  Let me just go ahead and tell you:  I am introducing a new process.

I love introducing new processes almost as much as all of you love new processes. That's why I, and you, are about to become whipped into a frothing frenzy of excitement at the process that I have the somewhat twisted pleasure of foisting upon you below.

As you probably know, the process is necessary because one guy did something bad a few weeks ago and I have lost complete confidence that any of you can function at any productive level without my indirect knowledge and approval.  That's the reason for all new processes.  So, in order to make me happy, I have implemented the following very simple and efficient new process for clocking in.

For hourly employees: 

Before you clock in for the day you must perform the following steps:

1) Complete form #2163.45H Permission to Clock In.  

2) Obtain signature from your direct manager.

3) Have the signed form notorized by a licensed Notary Public with two non-corporate witnesses present.

4) Scan in the notarized form using a non-corporate scanner and email it to

5) Mail the original signed and notarized form in a non-corporate envelope with non-corporate postage to: Crock, Inc. Permissions Department, PO Box 12001 Hattlebury, ZB 00200-12001

6) Wait for the official confirmation email from someone in the permissions department (allow 4-6 weeks for delivery).

7) Print the confirmation email and repeat steps 1-4 using that printed confirmation email instead of the permission form.

8) Once you receive a confirmation email that your confirmation email has been confirmed, hop on one foot for 30 seconds.

9) Shout any word that begins with the letter B, loudly, into someone's face.

10) Drink 8 glasses of water.

11) Ponder the impact of ancient societies on the current state of technology

12) You may now clock in.

Please note you must clock out for bathroom breaks, lunch breaks, smoke breaks, and any other type of break.  Please follow the new process when clocking in after breaks.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation in the implementation of this new process. We strongly believe this will greatly increase the happiness of the man at the top and greatly diminish everyone else's will to live.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Chronicles of a Desk Drawer

It seems like something is missing from my desk.  The top drawer.  Its completely gone! 

Oh wait.  No.  There it is.  Someone must have put it back right when I said that.

I better make sure everything is still in there.  Hmmmm.  There's my box of paperclips.  Why do I even have those?  I wish I had a magnet.  Paperclips and magnets make for thrity seconds of joy that can't be matched. 

Look at these stupid-ass pencils!   Ha ha!  Those things are so grade school.  They're for people who make mistakes.  I have no use for them.  Or do I?  Here's a pencil sharpener.  For those of you who don't know, a pencil sharpener is a device that is used to hone a pointy tip on the end of a pencil opposite the eraser. And if you're wondering, the eraser is the rubbery thing on one end of a pencil that you use when you need to remove incorrect math or delete curse words.  I could fashion some sort of missle out of these pencils and they might stick in the ceiling.  That could be entertaining.

Here's a business card . Look at this guy.  What an idiot!  Neuroscientist?  What kind of job is that?  Guess he should have gone to college.  Dr. Robert Gingham, you are a failure! And you're tie is ridiculous.

Ah ha!  My letter opener.  I have always wondered why they call it that.  Usually things are named more practically. I would think they could have gone with something that gives a better indication of what the thing is used for.  For instance, they could have called it a nearly useless knife, an oversized tooth pick, or a.......wait a minute!  There's a magnet!  Where'd those paperclips go?  There they are.  Excuse me for thiry seconds.

I'm back!  Completely theraputic, that was.

What else do I have in here.  I thought I had some vodka but all I see is whiskey and pot.  I mean, oregano.

Who took my waffles? I had a whole box of waffles in here and they're gone!  Oh well.  I left the syrup in my other pants anyway.

The next person who gives me a shitty promotional pen is getting a nearly useless knife in the eyeball.  Geez!  I must have four to five hundred thousand of these things.  Value Insurance, Drake Home Remodeling, Harold's Discount Smoke Shop, and here is good one:  Primo Pens and Promotional Items.  I'm calling these people later.  Going to tell them to come and look at the hell they created in my life.

Well now I'm shocked!  I thought for sure someone would have stolen this picture of some goody-looking couple and the ugly kids with a bunch of teeth.  

Oops.  Not my desk.  Gotta go.