Six Ways to Make Your Day Unsuck

We've all been there. Those days when the weight of the world comes crashing down. Or maybe it just comes down in a slow drip, like water torture. First, work sucks. You realize you are completely surrounded by incompetence. Every cubicle you look in you find a well-dressed moron who probably gets paid more than you. Your boss probably asked you to do some ridiculous time-wasting task that doesn't fit your job description, like taking inventory of packing-peanuts when everyone knows that Rhonda Bluegums is supposed to handle that since her job title is Packing-Peanut and Bubble Wrap Inventory Manager.

Then, it starts to creep into your personal life. You spill your freshly poured java on what then becomes your freshly scalded crotch and your freshly stained pants. Of course, you didn't bring another pair of pants! Who carries extra pants around? So, instead of going directly to the bar after work, you try to run into a clothing store and buy some new pants but they only have the stupid kind with pleats. You decide pleats are better than a massive crotch stain so you buy them. You get a speeding ticket on the way to the bar, you have a dozen too many, puke on three of the four bikers in the room, get beat to a pulp, put in a cab, and you wake up in a basement of some house where there is an excessive amount of mason jars with some type of organic and permanently preserved materials in them.....and your stupid pleated pants are nowhere to be found.

How do you stay positive when this is how life treats you? Here are six things that will help your day go better and possibly help others in the process:

1) Sing your thoughts. That's right. Whatever you are thinking, sing it....out loud. But pick a cheery tune. Let's say your thinking "Rob Dollman is a horses ass". You could set it to the tune of the Green Acres theme. It'll be contagious and before you know it, the whole office will be singing it. Maybe even Rob Dollman.

2) Flip off things. Inanimate objects. Even if they did nothing to you. Don't let anyone see you do it. This one is just for you. It'll make you feel better so the next four suggestions will have better results.

3) Double Negatives. When something negative happens (and it always does), double down on it. Let's say your computer crashed and you lost half-a-day's work. Go tell your boss that you were almost done with the useless report he asked for when your computer exploded, sent shrapnel though the office killing Daryl Colby and setting the office ablaze. Once he finds out the truth, it won't seem so bad.

4) Bring up the past. People love it when you remind them of their mistakes. If you mess up and Bob from accounts payable gives you shit just remind him of the time he forgot to take his inflatable "friend" out of his car before pulling in the garage. Remind him that you still have the surveillance video. It will lighten the mood quickly.

5) All the cool kids are doing it. If you see a coworker struggling, struggle worse. For example; JoAnn is looking in the top drawer of a filing cabinet but pulls it out too far and the cabinet tips over with a crash. Make her feel better by charging the bank of filing cabinets in a dead sprint and smashing into them. Knock them all down. If they won't fall, rip out the drawers and throw them around the place. Make a huge mess. Encourage others to join the rampage. JoAnn will feel better. Make her clean it up. She started it.

6) Scape-elephant. Place a statue of an animal, it doesn't matter what animal, on your desk. For the purposes of this purpose, let's use a statue of an elephant. Now, every time something bad happens, blame the elephant. The shipment didn't go out on time? The elephant fell asleep. Payroll didn't go out? The elephant forgot. Admonish the elephant. Scold it publicly. Really dive in. Yell and scream. Threaten it. Take away television privileges, make it stand in a corner, stab it repeatedly with a letter opener, throw it in the trash and light it on fire. We're not sure how this helps, but it does.

Technologicalizationism

Just a quick rundown of a few Crock Awesomificating Technologies. One is new, one is old, and one is still conceptual in nature.

UUR- Undetectable Universal Reset-
In production since 2002, this impressive (albeit useless) technology is usually implemented by a physical button-press type of manuever but could be activated by a mouse click or screen tap as well. When activated, the UUR resets the entire universe and restarts it at the precise moment of the activation, making it seem as though nothing happened. Remarkably, the memory of the activation remains, thus causing the unknowing user to experience bewilderment, confusion and occassionally, anger. It sometimes even causes the "client" to attempt the action again and again. The unhelpful nature of this technology and the lack of any practical or worthwhile application for it does not diminish it's grandeur. It did, afterall, take us two non-consecutive hours to think of. So, if you've ever pressed a button, clicked a link, or tapped an icon and nothing happened, that's what we want you to believe. In reality, you might have been UUR'd. You'll think of us next time the batteries are dead in your remote control.

Coin-toss Manipulator (CoMan)-
This is just what the name suggests. It's small profile is a key selling feature in that it is often important for implementation to be discrete. Weighing in at a mere 43 pounds the device kinda fits into a large suitcase or may be mostly concealed underneath a sombrero of exaggerated proportions. (we plan an update sometime next year that will eliminate the 96 decible buzzing sound). Use of this technology in clinical trial coin-tosses provided a 50.02% predictability of outcomes factor. In 10,000 tosses, where the CoMan was set to "heads" the tossing resulted in 5002 heads, 4997 tails, and one time the coin landed upright in a plate of potato salad placed on the floor to simulate real-world conditions. Pretty impressive. You may have noticed this technology in action at the Super Bowl this year. Incidentally, our researchers are now studying the coin-atrraction properties of potato salad.

Marsupial Detector (concept)-
Used to determine if there are any marsupials in the immediate vicinity. Critics are not thrilled with this one. They say things like "this one should be called the UUT- Utterly Unnecessary Technology", or "Why?.....Why?". But we don't care. We think it will come in handy if you are allergic to kangaroos, or if you need to find the nearest wallabee, or better yet, if you want to find out if someone is just playing possum or is actually an oppossum. We know. Amazing right? Our team is working diligently on this one. It has been rumored that a group of blind one-armed Gabonese pigmy scientists is developing a similar product but we believe we are in the drivers seat on this one.

Click HERE and nothing will happen. Or will it?

In a World Ruled By Squirrels, Your Math Skills Are Worthless

There is nothing more frustrating than having to apply mathematics in daily life. Math is like an idiot; you can't argue with it. It's witchcraft. Why are so many artists, journalists, athletes, truck drivers, homeless people, and IRS agents around here? Because they all hate math and try to avoid it at all costs. We reserve the jobs like cashier, bartender, server, and geothermal engineer for the younger folk, mostly students or those who recently retired from a career as a student. These careers need math to function so they are best suited for those who have freshly learned the subject. It isn't like riding a bike. Once we leave school, we forget how to do it. Within a year of leaving school, we have put enough distance between ourselves and math that we will hand some greasy punk a $20 bill through the drive-up window and when he returns our change, we just stuff it in our fanny packs without question because we no longer have the ability to refute the mathematical prowess of a below average high school student.

A train leaves here and another leaves there and they each go some differing amount of fast, assuming they are on the same track, they will collide. If I hadn't stripped out all of the numbers, this would be a math problem to figure out when and where they might crash. Even without all the data, I can eliminate this problem. Change the train schedule! Plain ole logic. Why make a problem where there isn't one? Why complicate the matter by mathematicalizing it?

Here's a real problem: Squirrels! They're every-friggin'-where! These things are overgrown mice with ninja-like capabilities. Math cannot stop them. They'll chew your house to shreds in an evening. They steal babies and scare old ladies. They've organized militia to overthrow sitting mayors in seventeen US cities already. They're breeding a master race! It ain't good people. Wake up! Put down your scientific calculators and stop trying to solve for x! We need to work on the squirrel issue! We're being overrun. They're eating into our bottom line (I think. Haven't really calculated it because I forgot how). Just look at this list. It will damage you for life, but be sure to like us in facebook(see the button to the right- no math involved). That's important.

Reading Between the Lies

I love reading. In fact, the main reason I am writing this is so I can read it later. I will read just about anything. When I see words, I usually read them (unless there are too many of them or they are written in another language like British or Canadian).

In these times where any horses-ass can write a blog and so-called news arrives quite literally out of thin air into our hands, there is no shortage of material.

I've noticed though, that just because someone writes and it gets published, doesn't make it true. It also doesn't make the author an expert know-it-all. When it comes to news, advice, motivation, business, etc., we hope that people write about things they know. Sadly, this is not the case. I'm proof of that.

It is my opinion that everyone who writes in these categories, or any category, is lying. Actually, that's a fact. Everyone who ever wrote anything is either lying or an idiot, with few exceptions (the bible and Rich Dad, Poor Dad are the only two).

Yes, even your Grandma's grocery list she lovingly crafted over the course of a week! Everything! Every facebook post is false. Every tweet is a big fat lie. Every blog post is a long-winded inaccurate deceitful malicious ploy or a pile of worthless blubber from an evil stupid genius. I don't need to give examples. These are blanket statements so you can find your own. Stop reading that garbage! Well, don't stop. Just read with a grain of salt.

If you find yourself thinking that I have a good point right about now, please shove your own fist rapidly into your face, then repeat. I'm writing, therefore I am lying!

Writers of fictional material lie all the time, totally on purpose, and they don't even try to hide it. So that's cool. I can live with that. I wonder who writes the little tags on tee shirts? Those things piss me off. Always rubbing up against my neck and stuff. I've never read them though. I'm sure they are full of diabolical falsehoods like; "wash with like colors", or, "tumble dry low". What does that even mean? I have noticed that some of the tags have replaced words with symbols. I guess they want to get through to me since they know that I know the written words are lies.

Whatever. That should be enough to put me to sleep later when I read this.

Goals Suck.

I know a lot of people in the business world make a big friggin' deal about setting goals. The truth is, goals will only get you so far. They might win the soccer game, but they are, like, totally overrated in business.

Sure, companies and entrepenuers generally swear by the damn things, from the mildly successful to the wildly filthy stinkin' rich. And sure, those who fail to set goals and make plans are usually those who find themselves flipping burgers and wishing they hadn't used that line of funding for a yacht and plastic surgery. Coincidence? Yes. I have a point and I will eventually get to it. First though, I will ramble on for a few sentences.

I've always tried to instill a sense of purpose into the corporate culture here at Crock. (cough, choke, vomit) I can't even continue that line of BS. Let's try this:

A man wakes up to find himself in the middle of the desert. All he can see is sand to the horizon in all directions. And then he died.

Or.....maybe he decided that he wanted to get out of the current situation. But how? He had very little choice. He picked a direction and started walking. As he walked, the terrain slowly started to change. The sand became dotted here and there with cacti and scrub brush(not the kind you use to clean the toilet but the gnarled looking bushy things usually found in western movies). He continued to walk. Eventually, the desert gave way to grassy plains, then rolling hills and scattered trees, a stream with fresh clean water, a forest, and finally an all-inclusive beach resort with scantily-clad women who served him cocktails and assorted seafood delicacies happily ever after. The end.

How does this story apply to you? It doesn't. But here's how it applies to me:

See, the guy in the story took himself from a dried up pile of bones in the middle of the desert to a very happy man, and he did it with no clear goal, no advice from experts, and no multi-phase plan of action. He could have easily set some lame goal of "find water", or "get rescued", but he didn't. He set in motion a one-step plan: go "that way". You could argue that he had a goal but you would lose the argument. He just set his sights on the horizon and walked. The horizon is not a goal or a destination because as you move towards it, it moves away. No one has ever gone to the horizon where they built a house, raised a family, purchased groceries online, and formed a grammy-winning rap/metal quartet. That never happened and never will. The man in the story set his sights on something unattainable and wound up with something much better. I'll take the women serving me stuff on the beach every time if my other choice is "the horizon". I don't care if you throw in a "find water" an two "get rescued"s. (the choice might get tougher if you offered up a basket of bacon).

And....The point! Don't set goals. If you do, you will settle for meeting them. Pick a direction and go "that way". It'll take you places you never dreamed.

I have no need for investors in business, or a boss, but you do. They love it when they ask you for a business plan and you tell them "we are aiming for the horizon". A sure promotion will follow when your boss asks you where you are headed and you say in bold confidence (using your best cartoon superhero voice without regard for your boss' age or gender), "Step aside old woman! I'm going that way!"

Of course I realize that some of you will feel naked without goals so here are a few that would be acceptable:

- capture a unicorn
- find a word that rhymes with purple
- become Spiderman
- successfully and correctly complete your own tax return
- lead a horse to water and make his ungrateful ass drink it

You get it by now I hope. But before taking advice from me, keep in mind that I sometimes leave the house with less than a full set of shoes and I drink early and often.

Oh! And for the record, as far as I'm concerned the basket of bacon would win every time. It's much more attainable. In fact, here comes one now! Gotta go!