Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Chronicles of a Desk Drawer

It seems like something is missing from my desk.  The top drawer.  Its completely gone! 

Oh wait.  No.  There it is.  Someone must have put it back right when I said that.

I better make sure everything is still in there.  Hmmmm.  There's my box of paperclips.  Why do I even have those?  I wish I had a magnet.  Paperclips and magnets make for thrity seconds of joy that can't be matched. 

Look at these stupid-ass pencils!   Ha ha!  Those things are so grade school.  They're for people who make mistakes.  I have no use for them.  Or do I?  Here's a pencil sharpener.  For those of you who don't know, a pencil sharpener is a device that is used to hone a pointy tip on the end of a pencil opposite the eraser. And if you're wondering, the eraser is the rubbery thing on one end of a pencil that you use when you need to remove incorrect math or delete curse words.  I could fashion some sort of missle out of these pencils and they might stick in the ceiling.  That could be entertaining.

Here's a business card . Look at this guy.  What an idiot!  Neuroscientist?  What kind of job is that?  Guess he should have gone to college.  Dr. Robert Gingham, you are a failure! And you're tie is ridiculous.

Ah ha!  My letter opener.  I have always wondered why they call it that.  Usually things are named more practically. I would think they could have gone with something that gives a better indication of what the thing is used for.  For instance, they could have called it a nearly useless knife, an oversized tooth pick, or a.......wait a minute!  There's a magnet!  Where'd those paperclips go?  There they are.  Excuse me for thiry seconds.

I'm back!  Completely theraputic, that was.

What else do I have in here.  I thought I had some vodka but all I see is whiskey and pot.  I mean, oregano.

Who took my waffles? I had a whole box of waffles in here and they're gone!  Oh well.  I left the syrup in my other pants anyway.

The next person who gives me a shitty promotional pen is getting a nearly useless knife in the eyeball.  Geez!  I must have four to five hundred thousand of these things.  Value Insurance, Drake Home Remodeling, Harold's Discount Smoke Shop, and here is good one:  Primo Pens and Promotional Items.  I'm calling these people later.  Going to tell them to come and look at the hell they created in my life.

Well now I'm shocked!  I thought for sure someone would have stolen this picture of some goody-looking couple and the ugly kids with a bunch of teeth.  

Oops.  Not my desk.  Gotta go.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Announcements, Reminders, and Death Threats

Some announcements:

Fletch Cumberbun has been appointed chancellor of the third-shift production team bowling league.  He doesn't know what he's doing, but at least he's sober sometimes.

Effective today, no live chickens will be sold in the company store.

Last week we set a new company record for days without a workplace stabbin'.  The previous record of two days had stood for almost 14 years.  Congratulations everyone who refrained from stabbin' a co-worker.

And additional thanks to everyone who participated in our annual campaign to raise funds for our charitable foundation; Boob Jobs for Belinda.  Because of your generosity, Belinda is nearly a third of the way to her first boob job, she needs two.  If you did not participate in the fundraisers, please sign your name to the list on the bulletin board in the cafeteria which will evetually be read aloud at the company holiday party where it will be recorded and sent to local media.

We are pleased to announce that we have just completed construction of the world's largest urinal.  Located in the atrium of the Admiral Winston De Prick Library, the 474-foot tall pisser seems right at home amongst the artificial trees and drunk panhadlers within the space.  Weighing in at over two tons, the massive toilet uses 720 gallons of water per flush and the urinal cakes have to be inserted by forklift.  Careful though.  When this thing flushes it sucks the air out of the building and sometimes takes small children along with it.  

And now, some reminders:

Thursday is our annual shuttlecock swap.  Not much else to be said about it.

Thursday is also Arrogant Bastard Appreciation day, so if you want to appreciate them, go to that bar in the strip mall for karaoke night.  They will all be there.

Expense reports are due each month between the first Sunday at 11:59pm and the first Monday at 12:01am.  Any reports received outside of this timeframe will be completely ignored.

Where there's smoke, there's smoke. If you assume anything else, even though you are most likely right, you're probably wrong.

Don't shove crayons under your eyelids. There is never a good reason to do so.

Never lick a cactus.

What does a bear do in the woods?

Wait!  How did a question get in there?

Oh, there's another one!  This isn't question time.  This is reminder time.  This is about as ridiculous as a conversation can be.  I mean, you aren't even participating.  You are a terrible person.  If there was going to be a death threat it would fit nicely right here

Saturday, March 22, 2014

The Truth About James W. Kransington

He calls himself James W. Kransington. Most everyone else calls him James, or Jim.  His mom calls him Jimmy, his brother calls him Jimbo and that weird little greasy kid in the warehouse calls him "Jimmy K or the highway".  

James used to work here. He left to start a different, much less successful fake company.  He thinks he's hot shit because he has a moustache and he can bench press 2.6 tons.  He is really not a good guy.  I've heard rumors about him and I am pretty sure they're true.  Rumors usually are.  I don't like to get involved in the rumor mill but:

I've heard he reads at a fourth grade level and he has little bitty tiny balls.  As far as i know,  he has never denied either of these accusations.

I've also heard that he eats a live goat every morning for breakfast.  Probably washes it down with a raw egg.  It may sound hard to believe but, if you ever met this guy, you'd believe it.  He has never issued any statements refuting this claim.

Some people say he is tall.  We may never be able to prove it, but you can bet we're going to try.  If it turns out he is indeed tall, we have a plan to exploit that weakness . It starts with alerting the media and ends with bloodshed and jail time for someone.  I don't know who for sure yet.  Probably Hank Supernueva, the hit man I'm going to hire.

James W. Kransington once had a dog named Bravo who killed seven old ladies and a nursing home administrator for no good reason. I guess it isn't really all that big of a deal, but I heard about it, so I thought I would pass it along while I'm giving you the scoop on the guy.

I'm almost positive he has a dominatrix in his top desk drawer.

He drinks on the job every day and he's having an affair with Bill Gregory, the night anchor from Channel 9 news.  Everyone knows.  Its been well documented I think.

One day, when I was walking down the hall behind him, his jacket was sort if stuck in his belt and I could clearly see he has a tail, like a lizard.  

Don't trust this guy!  He steals girl scout cookies.  
He has never paid a dime in taxes.  
He owns more than one food processor.
He collects hair samples from public restrooms.
And worst of all, he whitens his teeth!  I am not even joking.

Jimmy K or the Highway lied on his resume.  
He NEVER washes his ass crack.  
He weighs more than his drivers license says.  
He's nowhere near as good looking as his profile picture.  
He has prosthetic ears.

When James was 13, he went to prison for raping a pair of shoes.

I swear on my honor that he is half robot. His body is full of circuitry.  He plugs himself into the power outlet at his desk.  It's so obvious!

This is weird: he sleeps hanging upside down with his head in a bucket of cole slaw.

If James ever accidentally brushes against you, you will need to go to the hospital immediately.  No one knows for sure why,  but you'll only have minutes to live!

His breath smells like Rum and his feet smell like rasberry yogurt.

Don't make eye contact with James or you will turn into a stone statue of yourself only seven feet taller.  Forever.

I have a bunch more, but I am not sure if they are true.  


Saturday, January 4, 2014

Simple Task, Big Mistake, Short Rant, Incoherence, Quiz

This company has easily 130,000 different forms that must be completed just to order new ink cartridges for our printers.  I think we need one more.  Here's why:


Stupid dumb ridiculous unacceptable bullshit.  Dumb! How can this happen?  If you struggling for an answer let me help you.  It rhymes with "Fincompetence".  (Ball=Dropped).

We're implementing another form, right now.  Its another document that must be completed before ordering anything.  Yes, even Chinese food, pizza, and flowers.  The document is a sworn affidavit stating that the procurement officer has checked no less than twenty-four times to make sure the order is correct.  If the document is not included, the order will not be entered.  If the document is filled out incorrectly, the order will not be entered.  Although it should never happen, let's say the order IS somehow entered under either circumstance above.  In this case the order-entry agent will be killed immediately by the corporate ninjas.  If the order-entry agent enters an order incorrectly after receiving a properly completed affidavit, the agent will be murdered in his or her sleep on the following Tuesday, by the corporate hit men.  If the procurement officer fills out the document dishonestly or otherwise attempts order fraud, he or she will be bound, gagged, and thrown in a pit of hungry corporate interns until consumed by them.  If the order is muddled, fumbled, flubbed, or otherwise dicked up by the vendor from which the order was placed, by the factory or warehouse which filled the order, or by the shipping company, (Pooch=Screwed) the offender's business will be the target of destructive military-style assaults by the corporate death squad until it ceases to be recognizable as a building and all occupants are vanquished.

I feel like I should say, "Is that clear?"

But really you don't need to worry about trying to remember all of this.  It will be spelled out in detail on the new form.  All you really need to know is that you should try to order correctly every time or conditions will become unfavorable for you.

And another thing: measels.  Apparently they are making a comeback.  What's next? Ferrets?

This may seem off topic but if you make me choose between a Buick and a donkey, I'm taking the Buick almost every time.

As you know, we hire only the best and brightest.  We like to keep our associates sharp and polished.  That's why we conduct random aptitude testing almost randomly, nearly never, but once in awhile, if the need is there and we aren't too busy.  As sharp as these little shits seem to be they still haven't figured out the the answer is "B".  Its always "B".  Every single question.  The answer is "B", as in "Boy".

Yeah, so we run a little moonshine.  What's the big deal?

And lastly, motorcycle helmets are not appropriate attire in the movie theater.  I found that out the other day.

Now, you may wonder how all of these things are related.  You're thinking too much.  Think about it.  Is it:

A) they aren't related
B) the last five paragraphs are meant to distract from the possibility that policies outlined at the beginning might be sort of illegal, depending upon what state you're in
C) all of the above
D) the answer is B


Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2014 Brings Big Changes in the Solar System

HAPPY NEW YEAR simple peasants with no fashion sense!  We are starting this thing off with a bang!  This is not a time to tell you what we want to do this year.  It's no time to be hopeful for improvement.  This is a time for confident and assured action.  In 2014, Crock Inc is going to relocate Saturn!   Yes, the planet.  We will bring it closer to Earth so it can be viewed in the night sky, rings and all.  This will make for some great photos and confuse the shit out of wolves (we've hated wolves from day one and they deserve this).

This year, we will kill every last wasp on the planet and at least half of the ones from outer space.  They suck.  Really bad.

We are committed to preserving this nation's wetlands so future generations may never go there just as we were blessed to never have gone there. 

What the hell is wrong with Beyonce?  Oh, wait.  That's Mariah Carey.  My bad.

Anyway, in this new tiny baby infant year that has flopped gracefully from the uterus of 2013 just now, Crock Inc will invent a new word.  Not immediatley, but later in the year.  Maybe In March, or neither.  (I know.  Did it on purpose.)

If you are wondering what changes are being made immediatley, here they are:

We will no longer be using the word "talliwhacker".
We no longer accept American Express.
We suddenly love baked beans.
Clear is now a color.
All employees named Dick are promoted to the head of "in charge".
The company librarian is now a demon named Fractumettik who feasts on silence and puppies.
Lies are now called "misleading tales of untruth meant to mislead for you own damn good". 

You know, just the standard stuff. 

Obviously this will be a hell of a year, but if you don't shut your mouth we'll have you appointed Secretary of Last Year, also effective immediately.