Saturday, March 22, 2014

The Truth About James W. Kransington

He calls himself James W. Kransington. Most everyone else calls him James, or Jim.  His mom calls him Jimmy, his brother calls him Jimbo and that weird little greasy kid in the warehouse calls him "Jimmy K or the highway".  

James used to work here. He left to start a different, much less successful fake company.  He thinks he's hot shit because he has a moustache and he can bench press 2.6 tons.  He is really not a good guy.  I've heard rumors about him and I am pretty sure they're true.  Rumors usually are.  I don't like to get involved in the rumor mill but:

I've heard he reads at a fourth grade level and he has little bitty tiny balls.  As far as i know,  he has never denied either of these accusations.

I've also heard that he eats a live goat every morning for breakfast.  Probably washes it down with a raw egg.  It may sound hard to believe but, if you ever met this guy, you'd believe it.  He has never issued any statements refuting this claim.

Some people say he is tall.  We may never be able to prove it, but you can bet we're going to try.  If it turns out he is indeed tall, we have a plan to exploit that weakness . It starts with alerting the media and ends with bloodshed and jail time for someone.  I don't know who for sure yet.  Probably Hank Supernueva, the hit man I'm going to hire.

James W. Kransington once had a dog named Bravo who killed seven old ladies and a nursing home administrator for no good reason. I guess it isn't really all that big of a deal, but I heard about it, so I thought I would pass it along while I'm giving you the scoop on the guy.

I'm almost positive he has a dominatrix in his top desk drawer.

He drinks on the job every day and he's having an affair with Bill Gregory, the night anchor from Channel 9 news.  Everyone knows.  Its been well documented I think.

One day, when I was walking down the hall behind him, his jacket was sort if stuck in his belt and I could clearly see he has a tail, like a lizard.  

Don't trust this guy!  He steals girl scout cookies.  
He has never paid a dime in taxes.  
He owns more than one food processor.
He collects hair samples from public restrooms.
And worst of all, he whitens his teeth!  I am not even joking.

Jimmy K or the Highway lied on his resume.  
He NEVER washes his ass crack.  
He weighs more than his drivers license says.  
He's nowhere near as good looking as his profile picture.  
He has prosthetic ears.

When James was 13, he went to prison for raping a pair of shoes.

I swear on my honor that he is half robot. His body is full of circuitry.  He plugs himself into the power outlet at his desk.  It's so obvious!

This is weird: he sleeps hanging upside down with his head in a bucket of cole slaw.

If James ever accidentally brushes against you, you will need to go to the hospital immediately.  No one knows for sure why,  but you'll only have minutes to live!

His breath smells like Rum and his feet smell like rasberry yogurt.

Don't make eye contact with James or you will turn into a stone statue of yourself only seven feet taller.  Forever.

I have a bunch more, but I am not sure if they are true.  





 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Simple Task, Big Mistake, Short Rant, Incoherence, Quiz

This company has easily 130,000 different forms that must be completed just to order new ink cartridges for our printers.  I think we need one more.  Here's why:

WE GOT THE WRONG CARTRiDGES!

Stupid dumb ridiculous unacceptable bullshit.  Dumb! How can this happen?  If you struggling for an answer let me help you.  It rhymes with "Fincompetence".  (Ball=Dropped).

We're implementing another form, right now.  Its another document that must be completed before ordering anything.  Yes, even Chinese food, pizza, and flowers.  The document is a sworn affidavit stating that the procurement officer has checked no less than twenty-four times to make sure the order is correct.  If the document is not included, the order will not be entered.  If the document is filled out incorrectly, the order will not be entered.  Although it should never happen, let's say the order IS somehow entered under either circumstance above.  In this case the order-entry agent will be killed immediately by the corporate ninjas.  If the order-entry agent enters an order incorrectly after receiving a properly completed affidavit, the agent will be murdered in his or her sleep on the following Tuesday, by the corporate hit men.  If the procurement officer fills out the document dishonestly or otherwise attempts order fraud, he or she will be bound, gagged, and thrown in a pit of hungry corporate interns until consumed by them.  If the order is muddled, fumbled, flubbed, or otherwise dicked up by the vendor from which the order was placed, by the factory or warehouse which filled the order, or by the shipping company, (Pooch=Screwed) the offender's business will be the target of destructive military-style assaults by the corporate death squad until it ceases to be recognizable as a building and all occupants are vanquished.

I feel like I should say, "Is that clear?"

But really you don't need to worry about trying to remember all of this.  It will be spelled out in detail on the new form.  All you really need to know is that you should try to order correctly every time or conditions will become unfavorable for you.

And another thing: measels.  Apparently they are making a comeback.  What's next? Ferrets?

This may seem off topic but if you make me choose between a Buick and a donkey, I'm taking the Buick almost every time.

As you know, we hire only the best and brightest.  We like to keep our associates sharp and polished.  That's why we conduct random aptitude testing almost randomly, nearly never, but once in awhile, if the need is there and we aren't too busy.  As sharp as these little shits seem to be they still haven't figured out the the answer is "B".  Its always "B".  Every single question.  The answer is "B", as in "Boy".

Yeah, so we run a little moonshine.  What's the big deal?

And lastly, motorcycle helmets are not appropriate attire in the movie theater.  I found that out the other day.

Now, you may wonder how all of these things are related.  You're thinking too much.  Think about it.  Is it:

A) they aren't related
B) the last five paragraphs are meant to distract from the possibility that policies outlined at the beginning might be sort of illegal, depending upon what state you're in
C) all of the above
D) the answer is B




 

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2014 Brings Big Changes in the Solar System

HAPPY NEW YEAR simple peasants with no fashion sense!  We are starting this thing off with a bang!  This is not a time to tell you what we want to do this year.  It's no time to be hopeful for improvement.  This is a time for confident and assured action.  In 2014, Crock Inc is going to relocate Saturn!   Yes, the planet.  We will bring it closer to Earth so it can be viewed in the night sky, rings and all.  This will make for some great photos and confuse the shit out of wolves (we've hated wolves from day one and they deserve this).

This year, we will kill every last wasp on the planet and at least half of the ones from outer space.  They suck.  Really bad.

We are committed to preserving this nation's wetlands so future generations may never go there just as we were blessed to never have gone there. 

What the hell is wrong with Beyonce?  Oh, wait.  That's Mariah Carey.  My bad.

Anyway, in this new tiny baby infant year that has flopped gracefully from the uterus of 2013 just now, Crock Inc will invent a new word.  Not immediatley, but later in the year.  Maybe In March, or neither.  (I know.  Did it on purpose.)

If you are wondering what changes are being made immediatley, here they are:

We will no longer be using the word "talliwhacker".
We no longer accept American Express.
We suddenly love baked beans.
Clear is now a color.
All employees named Dick are promoted to the head of "in charge".
The company librarian is now a demon named Fractumettik who feasts on silence and puppies.
Lies are now called "misleading tales of untruth meant to mislead for you own damn good". 

You know, just the standard stuff. 

Obviously this will be a hell of a year, but if you don't shut your mouth we'll have you appointed Secretary of Last Year, also effective immediately.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

5(10) Things You Should Never Run With

A Public Service Announcement.

Why anyone would want to run is beyond me, but I know some folks rather enjoy it.  Here is some advice for those people.  Some things to consider.  A reminder that safety is the key to safety.  Being safe is way less dangerous than being dangerous.  You runners know this.  That's why you'll print the list below and read it while you run down the street. You'll text it to your running buddies who will read it while they run.  You'll tweet it while you drive to the spot where you will ultimately begin your run.  You'll wear your running helmet?  That's a question.  Do you even own a running helmet?  Wow!  You need this more than I thought.  In a moment,  I will provide a list of 5(10) things that you shouldn't run with, off the top of my head. But first, I think I speak for all of us here at Crock Inc. when I say "those running pants are the exact right size for you".  

Ok.  The list.  Off the top of my head. This is so easy.  Brains needed = none.

#1 Scissors
#2 Pencils
#3 Broadswords
#4 That idea you had last night after the bottle of bourbon
#5 A tiny baby
#6 The wrong crowd
#7 The Devil
#8 Large floppy breasts
#9 Polio
#10 Cops chasing you
#16 A blindfold
#22 Conviction

There! That's 5(10)(22)(12) things you shouldn't run with.  I bet that the armies of medieval times lost at least 30% of their eyes simply by running with those sharp weapons.  You'll never see a barber run, ever.  4, 5, 6, and 10 above are all related and I have witnessed these simultaneously.  I don't want to talk about it.  Van Halen was guilty of #7 and look what happened to them.  I could write another entire post on things you shouldn't do while wearing a blindfold.  This whole thing makes me realize that abstinence is the only way to assure safety.    

Related post: http://crockinc.blogspot.com/2012/11/how-to-avoid-stabbing-yourself-with.html?m=1

Monday, October 21, 2013

Wanted: Decent Senator for Reasonable Price

We've had funds tagged in the budget for over five years now but just haven't pulled the trigger.  We have assembled a diverse portfolio of "public servants" during that time.  Our balance sheet now boasts three mayors, fifteen counsel members from various cities, twelve county executives, and the entire school board of Brownstown, Illinois.  We also have invested in a couple of Governors from states you've never heard of.  We dropped significant coin on those bastards.  The mail carrier from rural route 3 in ZIP code 45121 was ours but we traded him to Pillsbury for a meter reader and a dog catcher from Milwaukee.  Oh!  Almost forgot about the congressmen.  We have eight in all.  Mostly from the northern plains but we did pick up a set of Ohio representatives at a blind auction back in April.  They were in a mixed basket with some judges and a public defender.  Got lucky there.

With all of the elected officials that we own,  you'd think we would have a pretty easy road.  Not so.  We couldn't get a simple Tax deference on our multi-million dollar sewage sorting facility.  

After some research,  we've determined that we really need to go out and finally purchase at least one Senator.  Pfizer has two, and look at them!  GE has two as well.  They had another one but he became President so it got too expensive for them.  They sold him to a General Motors.  But still,  its awful damn obvious that owning Senators is a sound business investment.  Look at Phillip Morris.  No Senators owned.  Enron; same thing.  Mircosoft, Apple,  and Google have 74 Senators combined and they are currently planning to market and sell actual human brains.

That settles it for us.  We know we have got to buy a Senator.  If you know of anyone ready to sell, drop us a line.  We're willing to deal.....and we aren't picky.  We'll take a New Jersey, an Indiana, a Texas...no....we'll never get a Texas this time of year...one of the Dakotas would be nice.  Just please, no California's or Hawaii's.  Can you say "high maintenance"?  Basically anywhere else will do as long as they come with some kind of warranty and don't have any past history of abuse.  They'll need a clean title and we do ask to see the SenatorFax.

Contact us on Facebook if you have any leads.