Thinking up a List of Things to put on a List

Ok. First post, new year. Time to totally impress your sox out. Where to start? I have so much knowledge that I know. There are so many things I can teach you that it is difficult to relate them in any particular order. Lets make a list of the experiences and wisdom-inducing events in my cranial cortex medulla lobe. Of course, I'll want to end with the first thing that comes to mind. Since it is the first thing that comes to mind it must the easiest to remember, so there is a better chance I won't forget it while I present you with the rest of the situations that I'm trying to remember.

Maybe starting with the second thing that comes to mind would be a good strategy. That way I can think of the other things while I tell you about this second most memorable situation. Once I am finished with this one, I hope to have two or three more of the scenarios recalled from the memory banks. If I have three of them, I will share the third one of the three (fifth overall) first (second overall), then proceed with the first and second (third and fourth overall, respectively). If I only come up with two things during that time, then I will just relay them in no particular order except the order in which I thought of them.

Then, as I am relaying those two or three items, I will have time to think of the other things I wanted to make known to you. The order in which I think of them will not necessarily be the order in which I present them to you, but it might be. I haven't decided yet. Oh, and the number of items
I present to you will be determined in large part by the number of items which I remember from the remembering banks.

So before I get started with the first item on my list, which is the second thing that comes to mind, I should also disclose the fact that I am actually still trying to think of something. See, the second thing that comes to mind hasn't come to mind just yet. It is possible that the first thing that came to mind is so incredible and important that it is preventing thought beyond itself, but I doubt it. It is also likely that I am writing all this needless filler to buy time while I think of something to write, which is actually using up my thinking resources so that I do not have the capacity to think of something else. Na. That's not it either.

Oh! Wait! Got it! The second thing just came to me. Wow! Now as I think about it, its really not all that good anyway and I don't want to talk about it. So that leaves me no time to think of those next two or three things. All I have left is the first thing that came to mind. I should have just started with that like a normal person. I'm so stupid sometimes. No, retract that. I'm never stupid sometimes.

Anyway, back to the list of things you need to know, which is not really a list at this point.....but it presents itself as the perfect example of precisely my point that first came to mind which I planned to share with you last. So here it is...at last: You need more than one item to make a list.

The Fat Chancelor

He comes 'round 'bout this time of year, dripping with bacon and holiday cheer.
His cheeks fulla jerky and his mug fulla beer, something something flying reindeer...
Ho Ho Ho is blah blah say, and he's so fat....something about a sleigh..
Donner and Blitzen and Bob and Mittens and fourteen other names.....

Awww hell.  I can't remember.  It's an old Irish Christmas ditty that makes a lot of fun of Santa Claus for being fat and all drunk and stuff.  It's really not very good for getting people in the Christmas spirit.  Nothing like the dogs barking to the tune of jingle bells.

Can a skinny person be jolly?  I can't picture it.

Advice for Santa:  The white trim on your suit would be completely ruined after the first chimney-dive.  It's only a matter of time before some six-year-old fashion and fabric expert figures that out and sees through your lies.

It probably just me but I mistake Santa Claus for Tim Allen all the time.

Have you ever gone to a restaurant and the server doesn't write down your order, or the orders of anyone else at the table?  He just stands there with his hands behind his back nodding and repeating what you say.  That causes me great anxiety.  Will he get my order right or not? If he does....impressive....if not.....what a dick!  Is it worth the risk dude? All you have to do is WRITE IT DOWN.....dick!  Well, the feeling is quadrupled with Santa.  He sees like four hundred kids a day at the mall.  They sit on his fat sweaty lap and rattle off two dozen toys and games and Lego sets and specific colors of stuff and he doesn't write down a damn thing.  Come on man!  Be professional.  Have a database.  Get these kid's social security numbers, email addresses, birth dates, psychological profiles, and a strand of hair for DNA screening.  If you mess up this order buddy you've opened a can of unfettered hell fury.  What's worse is, you and your little modified fat guy accessible sled will have already skidded back to the north pole before the outbreak and the parents of these insane midgets have to deal with it.  Don't make me ask to see the manager.

I bet no one ever challenged Santa to a race.  He would lose every time.  Unless he uses magic.  Is Santa magic?  It seems like he must be magic or something to actually "do what he does" but they never really come out and say he's magic.  I think he has to be magic since he isn't real.  Most magic things aren't real.  Most fat guys aren't magic, but this guy is different.  He wears the weird matchy-matchy clothes and hat.

It sounds like I hate Santa....and I do.  But I love Christmas and I am joyful and filled with cheer.  But I have a problem with that one song about Santa "coming to town".  It's redundant.  If he knows when you are sleeping, then he would obviously know when you're awake....because that's when you are NOT sleeping.  Also, the song is so threatening.  I always wonder: what's he gonna do to me if I don't be good for goodness sake?  Is he coming here to enforce the "don't cry or pout" rule?

Dear Santa....all I want for Christmas this year is for you to stop scaring the children.  Write that down.

Rediscover Your Childhood Superpowers

As adults, we've lost certain supernatural abilities that we possessed as children. All humans are born with superpowers. Its science. These powers are developed during infancy and generally reach full implementation by the age of two. From the age of two until around nine these powers can be very strong. They morph and refine as the child ages but beyond the age of nine they start to weaken. Many experts say that the child begins to forget their powers with the onset of sporting and other activities. The consensus is that all children completely lose their superpowers at a certain point. For girls, its when they become interested in shopping. For boys, its when they become interested in the things girls are interested in to gain the interest of girls. A child cannot have superpowers and also a drivers license.

Imagine if you could reach down into your subconscious mind and pull those powers back into your present world (be careful not to bring any suppressed memories with them...they were suppressed for a reason). Well, maybe you can't imagine it without a little reminder of the powers themselves. If you are a parent, you'll probably realize while reading this that your child indeed has (or had) these powers and maybe more.

The cute reboot
The implementation of this power usually goes something like this:
Child: "Can I have some candy?"
Parent: "Not right now dear."
Child: "But I want some candy."
Parent: "Maybe after dinner sweetie."
Child: (Tilts head to side, folds hands, widens eyes, cutes-up and smiles) "Please??? I Love you soooo much!"
(Many have the ability to change the letter "L" to "W" or leave the L's out completely, which makes this power even more powerful).
What happens is, somewhere between the words "Pease" and "wuv", the parent's brain short circuits and reboots. The child senses when the reboot is complete and the parent's brain is running in DOS mode. They wait until the see the proverbial cursor flashing and the parent's mind is ready for a command.
Child: "Candy!"
Parent: "Sure honey! Just a little.". (hands child bag of jelly beans).
Oh how useful would this be at work? Pease Mr. Customer! You're soooo smart! Sign this purchase order!

The Sour Patch Kid
This power enables the child to do diabolical deeds and go unpunished. For example, the child takes a sharpie to the new couch. Drawing a delightful mess of squiggly interlocking black circles and criss-crossing lines that stand in stark contrast to the taupe mircofiber fabric of the sofa. Dad sees the masterpiece in progress and shouts "No No No! Don't do that!" and prepares for war. The child drops the marker, runs up and latches Dad's leg in a bear hug and says "Look daddy! I made this for you! I wuv you!", pointing at the sketch.
Dad: (after a brief pause):  "Its beautiful! Thank you!"

Surely you can see the practical application of this power in your daily work. Instead of causing your unemployment, your biggest screw-up gains praise from the boss.

Instant Heavy
Its time to leave someplace fun and the child doesn't want to go. As you approach, the child senses you are about to pick her up and take her home. When you get within three feet of her, she drops to her knees and relaxes her body and screams "No! I don't want to go home!" When you try to lift her up, she applies her power to become heavier than normal. In some cases, she may reach more than 10 times her normal weight. In most instances, the parent will try unsuccessfully two or three times to lift the child. Each time the child will steadfastly remain with knees planted on the floor while her arms flail up and she slips harmlessly through the parents hands. Over the years, parents have developed tactics to defeat this power. One such tactic is offering a bribe, like ice cream.

I'm not exactly sure how you can apply this in your life, but it would be cool to suddenly become temporarily extremely heavy. I guess we adults have forgotten how useful it can be to simply lift and carry each other around. We should probably get back to that. One possible application of the instant heavy power might be when you get fired. You don't have to leave voluntarily. Make them perform a "team lift" physical extraction. Or maybe they'll pay you to leave on your own.....with ice cream or real money.

There are many more childhood superpowers and there are infinite variations of these. As adults, if we are cognizant and aware of these powers, we might be able to trigger a revival of the powers in ourselves and put them to use. And don't make the mistake of trying to fight crime with these powers. They are only for personal gain, not the greater good.

Children have certain traits that compliment the superpowers and we need to take notice. They exhibit a calm innocence dispite there cunning. They have an unwavering confidence in their point of view. They cannot be swayed by tricks, coercion, simple reason, or even hard facts. They do not care about your feelings unless they need something from you. They can make complex mathematical calculations in a fraction of a second and they have a deep understanding of physics. You wouldn't know it by their answers to your silly little word problems or by their judgement of how fast the floor will meet them when they jump off the coffee table. But these two skills allow them to throw the messiest of objects at an impossible target with incredible accuracy. Imagine a handful of mashed potatoes flying directly into your last glass of wine as you carry it across the dining room thirty feet away. First of all, a handful of mashed potatoes shouldn't stay intact over a thirty foot flight but it will. Secondly, most adults couldn't hit that target with a laser-sight and two days of practice, but the kiddos nail it on the first try. Thirdly, if you have a child, you should never put yourself in a position to be holding your LAST glass of wine.

Keep an eye on your kids (and other people's kids too). They're up to something and you might be able to learn from them.

Six Lessons From a Dead-Souled Pessimist

I'm sure you know someone who just seems to poke a straw in your head and slowly suck every last ounce of joy out of you and they keep sucking until it makes that slurpy gurgling sound so they pull the straw in and out several times while shaking you to try and get the ice cubes out of the way so the straw can get down farther in case they might have missed a drop or two, figuratively of course. Or maybe you yourself are that sort of joy-suck who prefers to be miserable and has a deep primitive need for others to come along for the ride. Either way, you could find the following list of things enjoyable. (Which means half of you will hate it and the other half will listen to you bitch about it.

1) There is nothing more uplifting than watching a happy-go-lucky person fall and receive injuries.

2) A good day is easily ruined by a smile from a stranger.

3) Most people would rather eat a bag of live wasps than listen to you laugh.

4) Sure it might be a good joke but don't laugh or a demon will remove your gall bladder and spleen.

5) Fun is only for people who have no ability to hate everything, including furry little kittens.

6) At first you won't succeed, and it only gets worse from there.

How to Avoid Stabbing Yourself with Sharp Objects

This particular problem is far more complex than it seems on the surface. There are intricacies, dynamics, nuisances that must be explored before one can fully formulate an effective strategy to avoid a self-inflicted stab wound by a miscellaneous sharp object.

A cursory glance at the problem may lead to the over-simplified simple easy-peasy obvious conclusion that one can avoid this type of injury by just simply not stabbing themselves with a sharp object. Seems simple enough. Unfortunately, many times the message falls on deaf ears. That, in and of itself is not terrible because deaf ears are not sharp objects (please leave The Vulcans out of this). But, falling on, let's say, a javelin, could pose a potentially bloody problem. We can't just assume that those who stab themselves with sharp objects do so intentionally. Are there some who do? Sure. But even the most dedicated masochist has to be reminded of certain dangers. "Don't run with scissors" grandma used to say.

So we all agree that some sharp object self-stabbing injuries are accidental. But how do we avoid these? Once again, it would oversimplify the problem to say, in simple terms, "Be careful! That's sharp!"

"Hell I know it's sharp! It's a friggin harpoon! Do I look like an idiot? Oh damn! It's in my eye! Ouch! Pain!"

Yes. Now you do look like an idiot. Harpoons in the eye have that effect.

I'm sure there are statistics on this but you'll have to look them up yourself as I tell you what I think you'll find. At least 87% of all self-inflicted stab wounds come while the victim is trying to open something harmless with something harmful. Opening a beef jerky with an ice pick. A wine bottle with a steak knife. An enemy's neck with a broken wine bottle. Just a few examples.

The best advice I can offer, and this is key, is to use the right tool for the job. Corkscrews are for wine bottles. They are made to remove the cork from the bottle. They are not meant to pry open a pickle jar. Who decided that pickles should be sealed in their containers by lids with suction force witchcraft? There is only one tool on earth that can defeat this kind of sorcery. If you said "broadsword", you're right. Heed this warning and save a few stitches. If one more person misses work with the "pitchfork in my abdomen" excuse we'll probably have to start with the safety meetings again. And I for one would rather drive toothpicks under my toenails using a bayonetted rifle as a hammer.