Please join me in thanking Janice "Boobs" Malone for her outstanding contribution to the company, her out-of-the-box thinking, and her clever use of common household items for the betterment of the work-environment.
Before I explain the thank-worthy action that Boobs selflessly executed, allow me to lay some groundwork. You see, yesterday was Monday. As you know, scientifically speaking, Monday is the longest day of the week. I think it's like 46 hours and 22 minutes long or something like that. This long day, coupled with the effects of returning from a two-day break known as a "weekend", can often times cause the atmosphere around the office to be sort of dull, ho-hum, pissy, or otherwise unbearable.
While we're coupling things, let's take the two items coupled above, after having coupled them into one, and couple that with the fact that there are so many assholes working here. In many, all this coupling can cause depression, rage, anxiety, boredom, tension, the feeling that your reason for living is gone (not to mention scurvy). But not Janice.
She had a plan. Yesterday, about 23 hours into the first Monday of the week, she executed this plan flawlessly. Everyone in the office, nay, the building got the chance to break out of that Monday rut. They were forced to drop what they were doing and stand up, stretch, and go outside for some fresh air. If the truth be known, the plan that Janice devised and acted out actually saved lives. Nerpert in the IT Department confided in me that he was about go on a machete-wielding rampage throughout the place before his psychopathic trance was broken by Janice's brilliant effort.
Here's how Janice "Boobs" Malone, Vice-President of Arts, Crafts, and Taste Bud Manipulation, saved lives, revived us all, and made the CNN news ticker:
Around lunchtime (23 o'clock pm), Janice went to the breakroom. She removed her lunch sack from the refrigerator, took out a single microwaveable burrito - bean and cheese I think. She placed the burrito on a decorative paper plate - a nice plaid pattern in shades of brown. She put the burrito/plate combo into the microwave, closed the door, and set it for 13 minutes. She then walked calmly out of the breakroom, down the hall, out the office doors- down the stairs and into the parking lot where she stood and waited. She was hardly able to contain her excitement. She did the best she could, making small-talk with Tammy Gingerale from Inspections.
It wasn't long before she realized that her plan had worked. As the door to the stairwell opened and people began pouring out, she could clearly hear the sound of the fire alarm sirens wailing. As the building occupants emptied onto the parking lot, she managed to keep her cool, asking other co-workers if they set off the alarm.
Eventually, the fire department showed up and found the culprit. The evidence was there; one severely charred, hollowed-out burrito-shaped device on a burned up plaid paper plate in shades of brown, and now black. Janice finally claimed responsibility, but she did a fine job of acting surprised and embarrassed to keep up the act.
After an hour or so, everyone was allowed to return to work, but not before the realization that they were living the most memorable Monday of their lives. Today, they are still talking about it. Knowing what I know now, I realize that her actions quite possibly saved my life and many others. Janice just smiles.
Thanks Boobs.
No comments:
Post a Comment