Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2014 Brings Big Changes in the Solar System

HAPPY NEW YEAR simple peasants with no fashion sense!  We are starting this thing off with a bang!  This is not a time to tell you what we want to do this year.  It's no time to be hopeful for improvement.  This is a time for confident and assured action.  In 2014, Crock Inc is going to relocate Saturn!   Yes, the planet.  We will bring it closer to Earth so it can be viewed in the night sky, rings and all.  This will make for some great photos and confuse the shit out of wolves (we've hated wolves from day one and they deserve this).

This year, we will kill every last wasp on the planet and at least half of the ones from outer space.  They suck.  Really bad.

We are committed to preserving this nation's wetlands so future generations may never go there just as we were blessed to never have gone there. 

What the hell is wrong with Beyonce?  Oh, wait.  That's Mariah Carey.  My bad.

Anyway, in this new tiny baby infant year that has flopped gracefully from the uterus of 2013 just now, Crock Inc will invent a new word.  Not immediatley, but later in the year.  Maybe In March, or neither.  (I know.  Did it on purpose.)

If you are wondering what changes are being made immediatley, here they are:

We will no longer be using the word "talliwhacker".
We no longer accept American Express.
We suddenly love baked beans.
Clear is now a color.
All employees named Dick are promoted to the head of "in charge".
The company librarian is now a demon named Fractumettik who feasts on silence and puppies.
Lies are now called "misleading tales of untruth meant to mislead for you own damn good". 

You know, just the standard stuff. 

Obviously this will be a hell of a year, but if you don't shut your mouth we'll have you appointed Secretary of Last Year, also effective immediately.

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