The Check's in the Mail...and Eleven Other Things People Say to Avoid Paying

I remember back in the early days when I had to hassle myself with everyday business tasks (back when I was working in the business instead of on the business). I used to have to pick up the phone and call the customers who were late on payments. In our business, we call this task "collections". Perhaps you've heard of it.

Looking back, I think I generally enjoyed this task. You get some real "pieces of work".

I've compiled a list of some of the excuses people had for non-payment along with my response for each.



1) The Check is in the mail.

We've all heard that one, and maybe used it a time of two ourselves. It's especially funny though when the customer is in the same building as you.



2) I suffer from a rare medical condition that has drained me financially.

I didn't know gambling and prostitutes were considered medical conditions, but that's what insurance is for.



3) I was on my way to bring you the money but I was swallowed by a whale.

Everyone knows that whales will spit humans out after a couple of days. Especially those Mid-western whales.

Or

You get great cell service from inside a whale. Are all those Verizon Network guys in there with you?



4) I paid you once.

Oh sorry, my mistake. Shoulda caught that one.



5) My wife handles the bills and she is locked in a cage in the basement at the moment.

(Click)



6) Ich verstehe Englisch nicht.

Pardon?



7) You people make me sick with your "always wanting paid for products or services rendered".

Ohhhhh. You are not paying to make a political statement? You hate capitalism for a living? Do they have a good benefits package?



8) Can I call you right back? My brother just found a dead cat in the crawlspace and I gotta check it for ticks.

Never mind. Just keep the money.



9) You sound like a reasonable man. Would you accept a 1933 steel penny as payment? It's worth $1400 easy.

If you give me 140000 of them, we'll call it even.

10) Dude! Is it like, before noon? It's way too early to be saying numbers and stuff.

Dude! I'll call you back when you are awake and baked.

11) You'll get your money with interest. Right now it's tied up in an investment. I've figured a way to beat the odds on scratch-off Lottery Tickets.

Awesome. How can I get in on that?

12) I've spent all my money on my research. I am very close to refining cat piss into a usable fuel source.

Awesome! How do I get in on that?