It's time for Gesture Lessons. I would like to see these put to use in our daily interactions throughout the company. I believe they will enhance our career experience and boost moral. The following gestures, complete with names and instructions on how to properly execute them, are something that I learned from co-workers as I came up through the ranks of the company. It seems we have gotten away from these over the years. Let's bring 'em back.
First, we have the "Fonk". The name of this gesture is meant to simulate the sound of a hammer or other blunt object striking something (more like someone). To perform this gesture simply make a fist, straighten your elbow and keep your arm stiff. (Don't forget to retain the fist. I know it's a lot to remember.) You are now ready to deploy the Fonk. Raise your arm (while retaining the fist, arm stiff) and bring it down swiftly onto a co-worker's head. (You don't have to use extreme or deadly force, just use enough to keep the element of surprise). The instant your fist contacts the victim's head (this is key) say the word "Fonk" loudly and proudly. You can experiment with the tone and delivery. We used to get creative. My fave was "Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-FONK!"
Next up; "Chisel". This one is named after the tool often used in woodworking and other manual shop-class-type tasks. The Chisel gesture is similar to the Fonk in the respect that the hand is in the fist position. The arm however, is bent at the elbow. To deploy the Chisel, drive the bent elbow into the victim's ribs and use the free hand to "hammer" on the fist of the bent arm while retaining your-elbow-to-victim's-rib contact. Imagine your elbow as the chisel blade and your fist as the head of the chisel. Your free hand is the hammer driving the blade home. Once again, the goal is not to hurt the victim but just to catch them off-guard and make them uncomfortable. You're not busting concrete blocks here. The vocalization of the chisel begins when contact is made. You're gong to use the word "Chisel" but the inflection of this one is important. You must use a falsetto voice and draw out the word. If only you could here me when I say "chiiiizzzzzellll".
Lastly, the "Chainsaw". This is named after a dog I had when I was six. Not really. It's named after a chainsaw of course. The arm position on this one is the same as the "Fonk". The delivery is different however. Get the arm in position with the straight elbow. Instead of a fist, use an open hand, like a karate-chop. Now, imagine you arm is actually a chainsaw. You need to start it up to make it work. Use your other arm (assuming you have one) to make the motions of pull-starting. Add a few sound-effects for authenticity. To my knowledge, there is no chainsaw that starts on the first pull. Be sure yours takes two or three pulls before starting. Once it "starts" your ready to deploy. On the final imaginary pull of the rope, the one that actually starts the imaginary motor, you'll need your best chainsaw sound to be coming out of your mouth (assuming you have one) full force while simultaneously raising the arm and placing the side of your open-hand-chainsaw-blade on some part of the victim's body. Apply moderate pressure and hold it on the victim while continuing to simulate the sound of a revved-up chainsaw.
So there you have it. Some fun and fantastic gestures that you probably never would have discovered on your own. I believe you will find these useful when directed at someone who has just insulted you, someone who has just said something stupid, or someone who is just stupid. Practice these on your friends and family for a few days, then bring them to work with you. I will expecting to see these in action by Monday.
Enjoy.
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