P.T.B.F.O. # 112368

Predicament To Be Figured Out -


Ladies and Gentlemen of Crock, Inc., we have another problem. Flanksham appears to be missing. All I can tell you is, he was very upset about the Yeti post and he has not been heard from since.


His last transmission to me was this noteworthy quote:


"Each cigarette takes 17 minutes off your life, each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life. If you smoke and eat bacon fast enough you can go back in time. Yes you heard it right, time travel is possible."


I can't imagine what could have happened for him to allow thoughts like these to enter his mind. But wait! You don't think......?


Oh no! Call every Bacon Bar in the City!! Get me the Commissioner of Pork Production on the line. Find me the closest place that serves bacon and is not under some kind of marshall smoking law. That's where we'll find FlankSham (actually, he quit smoking but for the purposes of this post, he started back up again). Unless...... Unless.....it's too late. We can't give up.

We need to be vigilant and pool our resources. In efforts to expedite the safe return of our valued associate, please follow the Search and Rescue (SAR) protocol set forth below:

1) Look around
2) If you see FlankSham, skip to step 4
3) If you don't see FlankSham, try again later
4) Do not approach him. Make a note of the place and time of the sighting.
5) When you return to you home, office, or jail cell, fill out a SAR 44C form with all of the relevant information.
6) Make nine copies of the form.
7) Mail each copy to yourself in separate envelopes. (The postmark will be used for verification purposes)
8) When you receive the envelopes, file seven of them for your records.
9) Place one of the envelopes, un-opened, into a larger envelope of a different color and mail it to our headquarters.
10) Open the final envelope and read it to remind yourself of the sighting. Have the copy notorized and fax it to your regional Crock Branch Office(check local listings).
11) Stay right where you are and wait for a phone call. (It won't be us, but eventually you'll probably get one)

Things to rememeber: Flanksham may indeed be attempting to prove his time travel thoery. You may have seen him in the past and not known that it is actually the present FlankSham on his journey backwards through time. You'll need to follow the procedure above for past sightings as well.

Side Note: Although Flanksham exists, and has for many years, it's interesting to me that a Google search returns no results. Either Google is broken, or Mr. Becconheimer FlankSham is an expert at stealth operations. He's avoided the long arm of Google for pete's sake! Our task could be arduous.