Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Stushinball Denied Cafeteria Access, Sack Lunches to Follow

Phillip Stushinball, you are denied access to the corporate cafeteria plan. Not the insurance plan where you get a choice of different benefits, but the actual cafeteria meals program. You cannot eat food, drink drinks, look at the selection on the salad bar, or get a cup of ice. You cannot enter the cafeteria at all. Not even to say hi to Doris, your wife, who works behind the deli counter. If we catch you trying to smell any aromas from the cafeteria that may find their way into the hall, disciplinary action will be taken.

As you know, we provide free access to everything in the cafeteria (including Doris) to all eligible employees. I'm sure you thought that free lunches would help with your monthly budget. You may have even been socking away that extra cash for the past month while you were on the plan. Maybe you were going to get that hip replacement you've always wanted, or a swimming pool. Looks like you'll have to find another way to save up to $11.49 per day.

You may be thinking to yourself "how can this be? I thought all employees get free cafeteria stuff!".

Well, no. Not really. The benefit is only for ELIGIBLE employees. You are not one of those, and here's why:

If you refer to the online version of the employee handbook (found on the company intranet site under Benefits/Cafeteria/Access/Eligibility/TechnicalSupport/Documents/Forms/Documents/Forms and Documents/Non-essential Documents), you will clearly see the requirements for eligibility under company policy. In addition, in the written copy of the employee handbook, in section on page 1267 under the Heading "Miscellaneous Items to Ignore", the policy is outlined in great detail (and tiny little microscopic print).

Under this policy, in order to become eligible, you must submit certain documentation within 30 days of employment. The documentation includes: a copy of your birth certificate, a copy of your driver's license, a notarized copy of a physical exam from a qualified physician, a daily caloric intake estimate, a tooth, and a good joke.

Yesterday marked 30 days of employment and we have not received the required documentation. Your cafeteria access is revoked effective immediately. There is no appeal to this decision. You may attempt to re-enroll in the plan at your 29th anniversary of employment.

We understand that you may find this policy harsh and that it sucks big time for you, but this is the policy and it is strictly enforced (unless you are an executive, a minority, a diabetic, or a fun guy to hang out with on weekends).

Your plea for an exception, even with your verification documentation, will be ignored so please don't bother. We already know you are going to try to claim that you didn't know, that no one told you, and that it isn't fair. But really now Phillip (may we call you Phil?), you have access to the intranet site and the handbook which both make it completely obvious. It's right there for all to see. Plus, two weeks ago we sent a reminder letter to an address in your neighborhood. You can say you didn't receive it but we all know that the postal service......exists. Besides, our notes say we mailed it so you have no leg to stand on. Now, if you can prove that you lost your legs due to diabetes, then we may reconsider.

Have a great day. Also, have Doris throw together a weekly menu for your sack lunch and go get some groceries. Remember to put your name on it though because there are a bunch of people in your department who don't have access to the cafeteria plan for the same reason as you. They are hungry and pissed.


Supreme Czar of Sub-human Resources