Sunday, October 19, 2014

How to Waste Time Efficiently

When you waste time, you should try to be as efficient as possible. I know I've written about this before but I didn't waste enough of my time on it, and neither did you.

Given the relatively small amount of time we are able to devote to wasting in a given day, wouldn't it be smart to use it wisely?  Wouldn't it be wise to be smart about it?  If you could squeeze even more nothing in that time, wouldn't you do it? 

Of course the answers are all "yes".  If my math is correct, that's three yesses. As we know,  any time you get someone to say yes three times, you have seized control of their actions.  Any time you can seize control of people's actions, you pretty much win.  And when you win, you can act like a complete asshole without any consequences. I think.  But that's not my point.  Yes it is, but just not right now.  Right now I'm writing about how you should stop being such an idiot about how you waste time.  I'm going to solve the problem that most of you have, and that is;  you always wind up doing something when you are wasting time.  So here are some ideas of things to do or not do to get the least done in the most amount of time;

1) Sit still.  Don't move around too much, you'll just wind up doing something or going somewhere.  You might think its acceptable to twitch your foot in a fast rhythm but you are wrong.  That's never acceptable and it bothers people.  bothering people is usually a worthwhile endeavor, therefore not a waste of time. 

2) Clear your mind of useful thought.  It's ok to think about stuff, but it should be useless stuff.  Example;  thinking about who would win in an all-night backwards pretend swimming contest between your high school gym teacher and one of those robot vacuum cleaners is a good useless thought.  The chances of it ever happening are not very good.  At the most it's 50/50.

3) Do not sleep or eat.  Both of these are things your body needs.  Do them on someone else's time.  Breathing is something your body needs too, but you'll still have to do that or your available time to waste will significantly decrease due to your death.  Dying is not recommended.

4) Do not read. Well,  at least not anything important or thought-provoking.  Anything on this blog is fine to read,  but please no books or magazines or newspapers or backs of cereal boxes.  Social media sites may be acceptable,  so long as you do not engage anyone or "like" anything.

5) Stack things.  Make sure it isn't for organizational purposes though.  Don't stack folded laundry.  Don't sort anything either.  Stack any random objects within reach.  The odder the combination of shapes and sizes, the greater the waste of time.  If you can stack a full coffee cup on top of a salt shaker on top of a tennis ball on top of a butter knife standing on end,  you've wasted a bunch of time in a very short period.  Be careful here!  If the stack tumbles, you'll be tempted to clean up the mess.  Resist the temptation.  That would productive and not a waste of time.

6) Talk to your spouse.  Pick a non-essential subject that you know you are right about.  It will turn into an argument.  According to certain studies,  arguing with your spouse is one of the biggest wastes of time one can engage themselves in.  If you don't have a spouse, try it with your boss.

7) Avoid idiots.  It cannot be done. It's hopeless, and therefore a giant time-waster.

8) Wash towels.  Why on gods earth would you do this other than to waste time?  You only used them to dry your (theoretically) clean body and you are just going to use them again tomorrow. This is a smart way to be wise about your time wasting.

I hope this helps.  I have to go now because I have a three-foot stack of beer bottles and hardboiled eggs I need to attend to.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Here You Go. You're Welcome.

Oh hell yeeeyah! I finally get to do that one thing I believe I was born and sent here to do.  Well, no.  There are closer to fifteen reasons I was born and sent into your life.  But this is just one of them, and I haven't gotten to do this for several days.  Before I tell you what it is, allow me to toy with you for a long time first.  

I can give hints if you want.  Do you like guessing games? NO GAMES!  Get to work!  Actually and realistically, all kidding aside, get back to work.  By "work" I mean finish reading this.  It is actually and factually mandatory that you read it.  If you don't read it you will be suffocated by used garbage bags clinging to you nose and mouth.  If you stop half way through you will be covered entirely, head to toe, in the juice that has been sucked out of people's mouths by that tiny vacuum thing the dentist uses.  And if you read but fail to comprehend, you will be placed on a step stool in the cafeteria wearing only a catchers mask while coworkers stab you repeatedly with bendy straws.  Yeah, I guess you better read on.  Don't you think, chief?

Oh shit!  Almost forgot.  The hints!  

What I am about to do will certainly be a topic of conversation amongst the hourlies for quite some time to come.  It will have a dramatic impact on their loathing of themselves and life in general, and the trend will upwards.  This thing I am about to do will change the way workplace violence is conducted, and the trend will be towards quickly and often.

Have you guessed it yet?  No?  Let me just go ahead and tell you:  I am introducing a new process.

I love introducing new processes almost as much as all of you love new processes. That's why I, and you, are about to become whipped into a frothing frenzy of excitement at the process that I have the somewhat twisted pleasure of foisting upon you below.

As you probably know, the process is necessary because one guy did something bad a few weeks ago and I have lost complete confidence that any of you can function at any productive level without my indirect knowledge and approval.  That's the reason for all new processes.  So, in order to make me happy, I have implemented the following very simple and efficient new process for clocking in.

For hourly employees: 

Before you clock in for the day you must perform the following steps:

1) Complete form #2163.45H Permission to Clock In.  

2) Obtain signature from your direct manager.

3) Have the signed form notorized by a licensed Notary Public with two non-corporate witnesses present.

4) Scan in the notarized form using a non-corporate scanner and email it to

5) Mail the original signed and notarized form in a non-corporate envelope with non-corporate postage to: Crock, Inc. Permissions Department, PO Box 12001 Hattlebury, ZB 00200-12001

6) Wait for the official confirmation email from someone in the permissions department (allow 4-6 weeks for delivery).

7) Print the confirmation email and repeat steps 1-4 using that printed confirmation email instead of the permission form.

8) Once you receive a confirmation email that your confirmation email has been confirmed, hop on one foot for 30 seconds.

9) Shout any word that begins with the letter B, loudly, into someone's face.

10) Drink 8 glasses of water.

11) Ponder the impact of ancient societies on the current state of technology

12) You may now clock in.

Please note you must clock out for bathroom breaks, lunch breaks, smoke breaks, and any other type of break.  Please follow the new process when clocking in after breaks.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation in the implementation of this new process. We strongly believe this will greatly increase the happiness of the man at the top and greatly diminish everyone else's will to live.