Monday, November 17, 2014

Missed Opportunities are Dumb

Maybe you didn't answer the phone when a buddy called with tickets to the big game, and by the time you called him back he had given them to that asshole Chad.

Maybe you had a great idea but didn't act on it and later you discovered that some other smart son of a bitch went ahead and invented the thing you though of first, and he is making a bunch of cash from it.

Perhaps you were not chosen for a job that you really wanted just because the other guy didn't talk with a fake British accent in the interview, and you did.

Did you have a crush on that girl in school but never talked to her only to later find out she was totally interested in you and that she is Scarlett Johansson?

I doubt if any of these ever happened to you.  But I'm sure you've had your fair share of missed opportunities. That's dumb.  It's also unavoidable.  I'm not saying you couldn't have captured some opportunities that you missed.  Not at all.  You could have seized those moments.  You could have answered that phone call or built that idea but you never could have dated Scarlett Johansson.  Ever.

It would not be possible to go through life taking advantage of every opportunity presented to you.  You are bound to miss a few.  You'll miss some and realize it immediately, like when an object is hurtling towards you head and you want to duck, but you're too slow.  You'll miss others that you will never know you've missed, like when you take a walk on a beach and step right over buried treasure. 

Missed opportunities can be frustrating to say the least.  I've explained how common and unavoidable they are, but that doesn't mean I accept it.  In fact, I am super pissed about the one I missed.

My friend Patrick posted his gas grill for sale on Facebook today . $50. Some psycho beast named Leah spoke for it before I even saw the post.  What was she doing? Sitting there waiting for him to post it?  Does she not have a job or a hobby or friends?  Who has time to watch Patrick's profile all day every day until he finally sells the damn grill?  He never uses it. It's a nice one . I wanted it. I've wanted it for over a year.  Here was my chance, but there comes Leah to "snatch" it away from me.  I hope it ruins her barbecue every weekend.  I hope it catches on fire and falls in her swimming pool.  Or better yet, I hope she is not smart enough to turn it on. Please, no one help her.  Let her sit there and know that she bought a $50 stainless steel lawn ornament. I hope she is too slow to duck when this object hurtles toward her head.  Too far? I should take this opportunity to shut up now.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

How to Waste Time Efficiently

When you waste time, you should try to be as efficient as possible. I know I've written about this before but I didn't waste enough of my time on it, and neither did you.

Given the relatively small amount of time we are able to devote to wasting in a given day, wouldn't it be smart to use it wisely?  Wouldn't it be wise to be smart about it?  If you could squeeze even more nothing in that time, wouldn't you do it? 

Of course the answers are all "yes".  If my math is correct, that's three yesses. As we know,  any time you get someone to say yes three times, you have seized control of their actions.  Any time you can seize control of people's actions, you pretty much win.  And when you win, you can act like a complete asshole without any consequences. I think.  But that's not my point.  Yes it is, but just not right now.  Right now I'm writing about how you should stop being such an idiot about how you waste time.  I'm going to solve the problem that most of you have, and that is;  you always wind up doing something when you are wasting time.  So here are some ideas of things to do or not do to get the least done in the most amount of time;

1) Sit still.  Don't move around too much, you'll just wind up doing something or going somewhere.  You might think its acceptable to twitch your foot in a fast rhythm but you are wrong.  That's never acceptable and it bothers people.  bothering people is usually a worthwhile endeavor, therefore not a waste of time. 

2) Clear your mind of useful thought.  It's ok to think about stuff, but it should be useless stuff.  Example;  thinking about who would win in an all-night backwards pretend swimming contest between your high school gym teacher and one of those robot vacuum cleaners is a good useless thought.  The chances of it ever happening are not very good.  At the most it's 50/50.

3) Do not sleep or eat.  Both of these are things your body needs.  Do them on someone else's time.  Breathing is something your body needs too, but you'll still have to do that or your available time to waste will significantly decrease due to your death.  Dying is not recommended.

4) Do not read. Well,  at least not anything important or thought-provoking.  Anything on this blog is fine to read,  but please no books or magazines or newspapers or backs of cereal boxes.  Social media sites may be acceptable,  so long as you do not engage anyone or "like" anything.

5) Stack things.  Make sure it isn't for organizational purposes though.  Don't stack folded laundry.  Don't sort anything either.  Stack any random objects within reach.  The odder the combination of shapes and sizes, the greater the waste of time.  If you can stack a full coffee cup on top of a salt shaker on top of a tennis ball on top of a butter knife standing on end,  you've wasted a bunch of time in a very short period.  Be careful here!  If the stack tumbles, you'll be tempted to clean up the mess.  Resist the temptation.  That would productive and not a waste of time.

6) Talk to your spouse.  Pick a non-essential subject that you know you are right about.  It will turn into an argument.  According to certain studies,  arguing with your spouse is one of the biggest wastes of time one can engage themselves in.  If you don't have a spouse, try it with your boss.

7) Avoid idiots.  It cannot be done. It's hopeless, and therefore a giant time-waster.

8) Wash towels.  Why on gods earth would you do this other than to waste time?  You only used them to dry your (theoretically) clean body and you are just going to use them again tomorrow. This is a smart way to be wise about your time wasting.

I hope this helps.  I have to go now because I have a three-foot stack of beer bottles and hardboiled eggs I need to attend to.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Here You Go. You're Welcome.

Oh hell yeeeyah! I finally get to do that one thing I believe I was born and sent here to do.  Well, no.  There are closer to fifteen reasons I was born and sent into your life.  But this is just one of them, and I haven't gotten to do this for several days.  Before I tell you what it is, allow me to toy with you for a long time first.  

I can give hints if you want.  Do you like guessing games? NO GAMES!  Get to work!  Actually and realistically, all kidding aside, get back to work.  By "work" I mean finish reading this.  It is actually and factually mandatory that you read it.  If you don't read it you will be suffocated by used garbage bags clinging to you nose and mouth.  If you stop half way through you will be covered entirely, head to toe, in the juice that has been sucked out of people's mouths by that tiny vacuum thing the dentist uses.  And if you read but fail to comprehend, you will be placed on a step stool in the cafeteria wearing only a catchers mask while coworkers stab you repeatedly with bendy straws.  Yeah, I guess you better read on.  Don't you think, chief?

Oh shit!  Almost forgot.  The hints!  

What I am about to do will certainly be a topic of conversation amongst the hourlies for quite some time to come.  It will have a dramatic impact on their loathing of themselves and life in general, and the trend will upwards.  This thing I am about to do will change the way workplace violence is conducted, and the trend will be towards quickly and often.

Have you guessed it yet?  No?  Let me just go ahead and tell you:  I am introducing a new process.

I love introducing new processes almost as much as all of you love new processes. That's why I, and you, are about to become whipped into a frothing frenzy of excitement at the process that I have the somewhat twisted pleasure of foisting upon you below.

As you probably know, the process is necessary because one guy did something bad a few weeks ago and I have lost complete confidence that any of you can function at any productive level without my indirect knowledge and approval.  That's the reason for all new processes.  So, in order to make me happy, I have implemented the following very simple and efficient new process for clocking in.

For hourly employees: 

Before you clock in for the day you must perform the following steps:

1) Complete form #2163.45H Permission to Clock In.  

2) Obtain signature from your direct manager.

3) Have the signed form notorized by a licensed Notary Public with two non-corporate witnesses present.

4) Scan in the notarized form using a non-corporate scanner and email it to

5) Mail the original signed and notarized form in a non-corporate envelope with non-corporate postage to: Crock, Inc. Permissions Department, PO Box 12001 Hattlebury, ZB 00200-12001

6) Wait for the official confirmation email from someone in the permissions department (allow 4-6 weeks for delivery).

7) Print the confirmation email and repeat steps 1-4 using that printed confirmation email instead of the permission form.

8) Once you receive a confirmation email that your confirmation email has been confirmed, hop on one foot for 30 seconds.

9) Shout any word that begins with the letter B, loudly, into someone's face.

10) Drink 8 glasses of water.

11) Ponder the impact of ancient societies on the current state of technology

12) You may now clock in.

Please note you must clock out for bathroom breaks, lunch breaks, smoke breaks, and any other type of break.  Please follow the new process when clocking in after breaks.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation in the implementation of this new process. We strongly believe this will greatly increase the happiness of the man at the top and greatly diminish everyone else's will to live.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Chronicles of a Desk Drawer

It seems like something is missing from my desk.  The top drawer.  Its completely gone! 

Oh wait.  No.  There it is.  Someone must have put it back right when I said that.

I better make sure everything is still in there.  Hmmmm.  There's my box of paperclips.  Why do I even have those?  I wish I had a magnet.  Paperclips and magnets make for thrity seconds of joy that can't be matched. 

Look at these stupid-ass pencils!   Ha ha!  Those things are so grade school.  They're for people who make mistakes.  I have no use for them.  Or do I?  Here's a pencil sharpener.  For those of you who don't know, a pencil sharpener is a device that is used to hone a pointy tip on the end of a pencil opposite the eraser. And if you're wondering, the eraser is the rubbery thing on one end of a pencil that you use when you need to remove incorrect math or delete curse words.  I could fashion some sort of missle out of these pencils and they might stick in the ceiling.  That could be entertaining.

Here's a business card . Look at this guy.  What an idiot!  Neuroscientist?  What kind of job is that?  Guess he should have gone to college.  Dr. Robert Gingham, you are a failure! And you're tie is ridiculous.

Ah ha!  My letter opener.  I have always wondered why they call it that.  Usually things are named more practically. I would think they could have gone with something that gives a better indication of what the thing is used for.  For instance, they could have called it a nearly useless knife, an oversized tooth pick, or a.......wait a minute!  There's a magnet!  Where'd those paperclips go?  There they are.  Excuse me for thiry seconds.

I'm back!  Completely theraputic, that was.

What else do I have in here.  I thought I had some vodka but all I see is whiskey and pot.  I mean, oregano.

Who took my waffles? I had a whole box of waffles in here and they're gone!  Oh well.  I left the syrup in my other pants anyway.

The next person who gives me a shitty promotional pen is getting a nearly useless knife in the eyeball.  Geez!  I must have four to five hundred thousand of these things.  Value Insurance, Drake Home Remodeling, Harold's Discount Smoke Shop, and here is good one:  Primo Pens and Promotional Items.  I'm calling these people later.  Going to tell them to come and look at the hell they created in my life.

Well now I'm shocked!  I thought for sure someone would have stolen this picture of some goody-looking couple and the ugly kids with a bunch of teeth.  

Oops.  Not my desk.  Gotta go.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Announcements, Reminders, and Death Threats

Some announcements:

Fletch Cumberbun has been appointed chancellor of the third-shift production team bowling league.  He doesn't know what he's doing, but at least he's sober sometimes.

Effective today, no live chickens will be sold in the company store.

Last week we set a new company record for days without a workplace stabbin'.  The previous record of two days had stood for almost 14 years.  Congratulations everyone who refrained from stabbin' a co-worker.

And additional thanks to everyone who participated in our annual campaign to raise funds for our charitable foundation; Boob Jobs for Belinda.  Because of your generosity, Belinda is nearly a third of the way to her first boob job, she needs two.  If you did not participate in the fundraisers, please sign your name to the list on the bulletin board in the cafeteria which will evetually be read aloud at the company holiday party where it will be recorded and sent to local media.

We are pleased to announce that we have just completed construction of the world's largest urinal.  Located in the atrium of the Admiral Winston De Prick Library, the 474-foot tall pisser seems right at home amongst the artificial trees and drunk panhadlers within the space.  Weighing in at over two tons, the massive toilet uses 720 gallons of water per flush and the urinal cakes have to be inserted by forklift.  Careful though.  When this thing flushes it sucks the air out of the building and sometimes takes small children along with it.  

And now, some reminders:

Thursday is our annual shuttlecock swap.  Not much else to be said about it.

Thursday is also Arrogant Bastard Appreciation day, so if you want to appreciate them, go to that bar in the strip mall for karaoke night.  They will all be there.

Expense reports are due each month between the first Sunday at 11:59pm and the first Monday at 12:01am.  Any reports received outside of this timeframe will be completely ignored.

Where there's smoke, there's smoke. If you assume anything else, even though you are most likely right, you're probably wrong.

Don't shove crayons under your eyelids. There is never a good reason to do so.

Never lick a cactus.

What does a bear do in the woods?

Wait!  How did a question get in there?

Oh, there's another one!  This isn't question time.  This is reminder time.  This is about as ridiculous as a conversation can be.  I mean, you aren't even participating.  You are a terrible person.  If there was going to be a death threat it would fit nicely right here

Saturday, March 22, 2014

The Truth About James W. Kransington

He calls himself James W. Kransington. Most everyone else calls him James, or Jim.  His mom calls him Jimmy, his brother calls him Jimbo and that weird little greasy kid in the warehouse calls him "Jimmy K or the highway".  

James used to work here. He left to start a different, much less successful fake company.  He thinks he's hot shit because he has a moustache and he can bench press 2.6 tons.  He is really not a good guy.  I've heard rumors about him and I am pretty sure they're true.  Rumors usually are.  I don't like to get involved in the rumor mill but:

I've heard he reads at a fourth grade level and he has little bitty tiny balls.  As far as i know,  he has never denied either of these accusations.

I've also heard that he eats a live goat every morning for breakfast.  Probably washes it down with a raw egg.  It may sound hard to believe but, if you ever met this guy, you'd believe it.  He has never issued any statements refuting this claim.

Some people say he is tall.  We may never be able to prove it, but you can bet we're going to try.  If it turns out he is indeed tall, we have a plan to exploit that weakness . It starts with alerting the media and ends with bloodshed and jail time for someone.  I don't know who for sure yet.  Probably Hank Supernueva, the hit man I'm going to hire.

James W. Kransington once had a dog named Bravo who killed seven old ladies and a nursing home administrator for no good reason. I guess it isn't really all that big of a deal, but I heard about it, so I thought I would pass it along while I'm giving you the scoop on the guy.

I'm almost positive he has a dominatrix in his top desk drawer.

He drinks on the job every day and he's having an affair with Bill Gregory, the night anchor from Channel 9 news.  Everyone knows.  Its been well documented I think.

One day, when I was walking down the hall behind him, his jacket was sort if stuck in his belt and I could clearly see he has a tail, like a lizard.  

Don't trust this guy!  He steals girl scout cookies.  
He has never paid a dime in taxes.  
He owns more than one food processor.
He collects hair samples from public restrooms.
And worst of all, he whitens his teeth!  I am not even joking.

Jimmy K or the Highway lied on his resume.  
He NEVER washes his ass crack.  
He weighs more than his drivers license says.  
He's nowhere near as good looking as his profile picture.  
He has prosthetic ears.

When James was 13, he went to prison for raping a pair of shoes.

I swear on my honor that he is half robot. His body is full of circuitry.  He plugs himself into the power outlet at his desk.  It's so obvious!

This is weird: he sleeps hanging upside down with his head in a bucket of cole slaw.

If James ever accidentally brushes against you, you will need to go to the hospital immediately.  No one knows for sure why,  but you'll only have minutes to live!

His breath smells like Rum and his feet smell like rasberry yogurt.

Don't make eye contact with James or you will turn into a stone statue of yourself only seven feet taller.  Forever.

I have a bunch more, but I am not sure if they are true.  


Saturday, January 4, 2014

Simple Task, Big Mistake, Short Rant, Incoherence, Quiz

This company has easily 130,000 different forms that must be completed just to order new ink cartridges for our printers.  I think we need one more.  Here's why:


Stupid dumb ridiculous unacceptable bullshit.  Dumb! How can this happen?  If you struggling for an answer let me help you.  It rhymes with "Fincompetence".  (Ball=Dropped).

We're implementing another form, right now.  Its another document that must be completed before ordering anything.  Yes, even Chinese food, pizza, and flowers.  The document is a sworn affidavit stating that the procurement officer has checked no less than twenty-four times to make sure the order is correct.  If the document is not included, the order will not be entered.  If the document is filled out incorrectly, the order will not be entered.  Although it should never happen, let's say the order IS somehow entered under either circumstance above.  In this case the order-entry agent will be killed immediately by the corporate ninjas.  If the order-entry agent enters an order incorrectly after receiving a properly completed affidavit, the agent will be murdered in his or her sleep on the following Tuesday, by the corporate hit men.  If the procurement officer fills out the document dishonestly or otherwise attempts order fraud, he or she will be bound, gagged, and thrown in a pit of hungry corporate interns until consumed by them.  If the order is muddled, fumbled, flubbed, or otherwise dicked up by the vendor from which the order was placed, by the factory or warehouse which filled the order, or by the shipping company, (Pooch=Screwed) the offender's business will be the target of destructive military-style assaults by the corporate death squad until it ceases to be recognizable as a building and all occupants are vanquished.

I feel like I should say, "Is that clear?"

But really you don't need to worry about trying to remember all of this.  It will be spelled out in detail on the new form.  All you really need to know is that you should try to order correctly every time or conditions will become unfavorable for you.

And another thing: measels.  Apparently they are making a comeback.  What's next? Ferrets?

This may seem off topic but if you make me choose between a Buick and a donkey, I'm taking the Buick almost every time.

As you know, we hire only the best and brightest.  We like to keep our associates sharp and polished.  That's why we conduct random aptitude testing almost randomly, nearly never, but once in awhile, if the need is there and we aren't too busy.  As sharp as these little shits seem to be they still haven't figured out the the answer is "B".  Its always "B".  Every single question.  The answer is "B", as in "Boy".

Yeah, so we run a little moonshine.  What's the big deal?

And lastly, motorcycle helmets are not appropriate attire in the movie theater.  I found that out the other day.

Now, you may wonder how all of these things are related.  You're thinking too much.  Think about it.  Is it:

A) they aren't related
B) the last five paragraphs are meant to distract from the possibility that policies outlined at the beginning might be sort of illegal, depending upon what state you're in
C) all of the above
D) the answer is B