Given the relatively small amount of time we are able to devote to wasting in a given day, wouldn't it be smart to use it wisely? Wouldn't it be wise to be smart about it? If you could squeeze even more nothing in that time, wouldn't you do it?
Of course the answers are all "yes". If my math is correct, that's three yesses. As we know, any time you get someone to say yes three times, you have seized control of their actions. Any time you can seize control of people's actions, you pretty much win. And when you win, you can act like a complete asshole without any consequences. I think. But that's not my point. Yes it is, but just not right now. Right now I'm writing about how you should stop being such an idiot about how you waste time. I'm going to solve the problem that most of you have, and that is; you always wind up doing something when you are wasting time. So here are some ideas of things to do or not do to get the least done in the most amount of time;
1) Sit still. Don't move around too much, you'll just wind up doing something or going somewhere. You might think its acceptable to twitch your foot in a fast rhythm but you are wrong. That's never acceptable and it bothers people. bothering people is usually a worthwhile endeavor, therefore not a waste of time.
2) Clear your mind of useful thought. It's ok to think about stuff, but it should be useless stuff. Example; thinking about who would win in an all-night backwards pretend swimming contest between your high school gym teacher and one of those robot vacuum cleaners is a good useless thought. The chances of it ever happening are not very good. At the most it's 50/50.
3) Do not sleep or eat. Both of these are things your body needs. Do them on someone else's time. Breathing is something your body needs too, but you'll still have to do that or your available time to waste will significantly decrease due to your death. Dying is not recommended.
4) Do not read. Well, at least not anything important or thought-provoking. Anything on this blog is fine to read, but please no books or magazines or newspapers or backs of cereal boxes. Social media sites may be acceptable, so long as you do not engage anyone or "like" anything.
5) Stack things. Make sure it isn't for organizational purposes though. Don't stack folded laundry. Don't sort anything either. Stack any random objects within reach. The odder the combination of shapes and sizes, the greater the waste of time. If you can stack a full coffee cup on top of a salt shaker on top of a tennis ball on top of a butter knife standing on end, you've wasted a bunch of time in a very short period. Be careful here! If the stack tumbles, you'll be tempted to clean up the mess. Resist the temptation. That would productive and not a waste of time.
6) Talk to your spouse. Pick a non-essential subject that you know you are right about. It will turn into an argument. According to certain studies, arguing with your spouse is one of the biggest wastes of time one can engage themselves in. If you don't have a spouse, try it with your boss.
7) Avoid idiots. It cannot be done. It's hopeless, and therefore a giant time-waster.
8) Wash towels. Why on gods earth would you do this other than to waste time? You only used them to dry your (theoretically) clean body and you are just going to use them again tomorrow. This is a smart way to be wise about your time wasting.
I hope this helps. I have to go now because I have a three-foot stack of beer bottles and hardboiled eggs I need to attend to.
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