Friday, March 28, 2008

File Under "Speechless"

...and "Useless".

How to Draw a Hexagon.

Follow the link and read the article, but also be sure to click the "discuss" button and read the comments. You will see that we have people assinged to this one. Good work team!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Reason for the Purpose of the Mission

I just dropped in to see what condition our mission was in.

I check in on the Guidance Coordinator from time to time. He's the guy who coordinates the lady who guides the guy who is in charge of making sure we, as a company, stay on track, focused on our goals, and are true to our core values.

This years mission was: Continue to Build Upon Last Year's Mission. Last years mission was: Come up with a Better Mission for Next Year.

I'm told we're on track. That feels good.

I mentioned our Core Values. I think this would be a good time to review those. Here they are:

Honesty: Commitment to the Truth. We tell you right up front that we can't be trusted, that we're making it up as we go. We let you know that nothing we say is true or has any point to it, or, if it does, we make sure it is so ridiculous that you don't care anymore.

Integrity: Doing the Right Thing. Like not stealing purses from old ladies, which we haven't done for months now.

Trust: but verify. Even if it means asking things like; "Are you sure you scaled the Washington Monument?" or "Why does your green card have typos?"

Character: You will meet a lot of these around here.

Respect: (I forget what this means. I think it's something to do with not making fun of ugly people or midgets)

Humility: Remembering that there is more for us to do as a company than just be the best ever at everything in the universe. (Like what? Examples please?)

Caring/Fairness: Justice tempered with Compassion. We know when to terminate employment and when to stage a "tragic accident".

Diversity: Embrace Differences, as long as there are not too many of them.

Openness: Encourage dialogue and reflective thought. (This does not mean that I will disclose my salary to you).

Empowerment: Authority to Make Decisions. I have it. You don't. Na Na ne Na Na!

Personal Mastery: Have you mastered yourself lately?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Camelids? Sorry. Too Dangerous.

While we remain very proud of our associates who have the courage to overcome their lack of sight each and every day, we must form a policy now before this particular situation gets any worse.

You are undoubtedly familiar with our policy on guide dogs in the workplace. This policy will remain unchanged until someone is maimed by one of these gentle creatures. However, effective today, we will not allow seeing eye Llamas or Guide Alpacas on Crock, Inc. Property. These beasts are unpredictable at best. Last week a Llama ate Lyle's pleather interior out of his Buick. (I guess he still hasn't gotten the power windows fixed). Beatrice had her cane gnawed in two by an alpaca Tuesday. Perhaps worst of all, Flanksham finally surfaced and walked in on Wednesday and a llama spit some junk in his eye. He was promptly taken away by med-evac and has not been heard from since. This has to stop or someone could be killed.

The ban is immediate and applies to all New World Camelids. Not only Llamas and Alpacas, although these are the worst offenders, but guanacos, and vicunas are banned as well. The reasons are obvious. Click here.

Camels are acceptable. (That last sentence has never been written before, anywhere, ever).

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Marketing Team Meeting Agenda

I told you in an earlier post about a shake-up coming in the marketing department. I thought I'd share it with you now.

Larry, our Director of Marketing accidentally copied me in on his email to the "third-tier subordinate nobodies with the word manager in their title" (as I like to call them). Right now he has no idea that he made this mistake. I'm publishing it here so you will know exactly why you don't see Larry at the team meeting in the morning. This has done him in (along with not thinking of the moon as an ad medium).

10:00-ish Kick-off
- Get Coffee
- Get Bagel
- Drink Coffee and Eat Bagel
- Get more Coffee
- Check MySpace for new Bulletins

10:30 Goals for the Meeting
- Make sure the "big wigs" think we're busy and understaffed
- Figure out how to "expense" Guitar hero for the breakroom
- Decide where to go for Lunch
- Decide where to go for Happy Hour

11:00 Productivity (Ways to make the big wigs think we're under staffed)
1) Read Crock, Inc. with a very concerned and contemplative look on your face
2) Make sure your desks are messy
3) Call your fellow team-members (that's two people on the phone, and two lines busied out)
4) Sweat a lot.
5) Tell the big wigs "We're under staffed"

11:15 Recreation (How do we expense "Guitar Hero"?)
Plan A- Have Javier Sweet-talk Janet into giving us the key to Petty cash
Plan B- See if the guy at Game Stop will give us a receipt for paperclips instead

11:20 Break
- Get more Coffee
- Beam each other ringtones
- Smoke 'em if ya got 'em

11:59 Desicion Time (Where do we go to lunch?)
- The Lounge, seems the only logical choice

12:00 Lunch at The Lounge
- Finish meeting at lunch by deciding to remain at The Lounge for Happy Hour.

Next Meeting - Tomorrow @ 10:00-ish

Friday, March 14, 2008

Fishing with the Prez - Part 1

Each month, I choose the staff member who, in my opinion, has made the greatest positive impact on the company. It may be someone who has gone the extra mile, someone who had a great idea, someone who has improved upon a procedure, taken on extra responsibilities, or brought in doughnuts most frequently. The lucky winner gets to go on an all-day fishing trip with me.

This month I chose Blick Das Fensterwield (Supervisor of Curtains, Shades, Blinds, and Other Window Treatments*). Blick accomplished an extraordinary feat in the past month that "Blew my Mind". He rolled a company vehicle six times and walked away, unscathed. But wait! That's not the best part.....he manged to get an on-the spot out-of-court cash settlement from the guy who's lawn the vehicle landed in. Apparently, this guys lawn was encroaching upon an easement in violation of a city ordinance and he didn't want to get to police involved (in other words, his lawn was not supposed to be there). Blick was driving a company vehicle so obviously the company took the $14 million payoff.

Anyway, it was dawn on the lake when we eased my boat away from the launch ramp and headed out to relax, make idle chit-chat, and perhaps catch some fish. We motored across the lake to one of my favorite spots. I killed the motor and we coasted into a serene cove where a small feeder creek trickled in. The lake was glass. The air was crisp. I looked at Blick. Suddenly, before either of us had said a word, his pocket chirped, then beeped, and then played a few bars of "We Will Rock You" by Queen. He ignored it.

I looked at him and said, "What does all of that nonsense signify?"

He said, "I just received a text message and an email, and my Mom tried to call, but I didn't answer."

I said, "You set your Mom's ringtone as 'We will Rock You'?"

He said, "Yeah. Why not?"

I said, "Nevermind that. Am I paying for your phone?"

He said, "You reimburse me when I turn in the bill."

"So your Mom can call you?", I asked.

"Well", he stammered, "Not really.

"What does that mean?", I asked.

"Well," he replied. "You actually pay for it so that you can call me and I can call you."

I thought for a moment in silence, pissed that he may be right, and even pissed-er (more pissed)at this modern device. Then, another beep and two chirps from the pocket of Blick. "What now?" I asked.

"What? Oh that!", he said. "An email and two text messages."

Frustrated, I asked, "Were they all from me?"

"Well of course not!", Blick replied.

"Then give me your phone!", I demanded.

He did. It sailed about forty feet through the air and plopped into the lake.

"Hope it can swim too!", I said, rather proud of myself.

Blick had a slight mental breakdown and I had to subdue him. We didn't fish. We went home.

*Blick's Title may be confusing. I didn't want you to think that Crock, Inc. makes, sells, or repairs any kind of window treatments. We have nothing to do with them except for using them to...well...treat our windows, which is what Blick supervises.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Keeping Your Job While Your Co-workers Get the Axe

As the media continues to pound negative economic news into the minds of the masses, there will undoubtedly be some impact on the reality of the job market, the stock market, and the economy in general. The fact is, it's already started to show itself. It won't be long and the whole "Corporate Downsizing" theme will hit the news again, or the "Outsourcing of Jobs" topic shows up in the headlines again. As an executive of a major false corporation, I can't express to you how sick it all makes me. What I can do, is offer you some advice that may help you remain employed when your company starts to cut or move jobs. I will now cast my analysis upon an article on job security. This is my public service duty for the year, so enjoy. (Items in italics are from the article).

Step 1:Examine the requirements and qualifications of your current job.

If your job can be done by a high school student or an animal, you may be in trouble (unless you are a high school student or an animal). I know there are some very smart monkeys out there but you, as an adult human, are going to need some kind of a skill if you want to keep your job. Juggling, burping the alphabet, and solving a Rubik's Cube with your toes are not really marketable skills.

Step 2:Check the education requirements of the current job.

Did you graduate High School? Actually, that does not matter as much as if you can read or write, or comprehend simple instructions. Most jobs will not allow you to remain employed if you are not able to perform the task assigned. If your supervisor tells you to but tab A into slot B for eight hours every day, you will be lucky if you're still employed after asking him to repeat the instructions for the twelfth time. However, if you are one of those people, and you can hang in there long enough, new legislation may make it impossible for your employer to fire you. You could get your prosthetic arm stuck in the press every five minutes and you'd still be entitled to your job. Soon, it will be against the law to discriminate against stupidity. Good luck to you.

Step 3:Ask your supervisor about extra assignments or duties that you can do. Putting forth extra effort in the current job will help you develop a reputation as a person who is willing to go the extra mile.

So true. Brown-nose hard! Get right in there and ask if they need some shoes shined, laundry done, yards mowed, etc. Polish their balls. Give it your all, they'll love you. Really.

Step 4:Display a positive attitude.

Smile once in a while. It never killed anyone (smile as if to proclaim "I've never killed anyone"). When someone asks you how it's going, tell them in a positive manner. Don't grumble and complain or kick them in the crotch. Chances are they didn't really care anyway, they just asked to be nice. If you're negative, they will move on and not think of you again. If you're happy and upbeat, they will remember (or think you're loony). They will want to hang out with you (or hang you). Also remember to whistle all the time. Constantly. There are plenty of songs to whistle that will boost your moral (and make those you work with want to dump your body in the nearest river). Try the theme to the Andy Griffith Show, or Otis Redding's Dock of the Bay, or even Patience by Guns n' Roses.

Step 5:Offer to take a salary cut if the company is cutting back or experiencing a severe budget crisis.

Walk right up to the office and demand a pay cut. Ask them if it would be possible to work for without pay two days a week. That'll really get 'em loving you. It may get you reduced to a two day work week also. Dude! Sweet! If you get fired after this one, I can no longer be of assistance to you.

Step 6:Stay late, and put in extra effort where needed.

Work your two day week, but stay late both days. Hell, arrive early too. Show them your commitment to the company and the job.

Step 7:Connect with the co-workers and management by participating in activities outside of the job.

Consider having everyone over to your place, at your own expense. Set the bar high and set it early. Start drinking before the guests arrive and really pound 'em down. Be sure you are good and "crocked" by the time everyone arrives so that they see what kind of a party it's going to be. Throwing up wouldn't hurt either. Especially if you could get a little on the shoes of the bosses wife. This is a great ice-breaker and it will be talked about for weeks to come.

You're welcome in advance.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Advertising on the Moon?

This is what I'm talking about. I want to know who these guys use for an Ad Agency. I also want to know why our guys didn't come up with this. (Actually, I have an idea why but more on that later).

Imagine looking up at the moon and seeing the Rolling Rock logo. Can they do that? Let's not "mis-underestimate" them. At the very least let's have a plan in place to get a letter "C" in front of the word "rock".

We also need to start thinking outside the box about other advertising methods. The fact that this one slipped through does not bode well for the folks down in marketing.

Perhaps they are in need of a little beef. Or maybe we need to take a look at our hiring procedures. Our philosophy has always been "we'll take the people that no one else wants". It gives us a sense of security in that they can't really get another job anywhere else, therefore, reducing our turnover and strain on the training and HR departments. That still seems like a sound policy.

I'm just thinking out loud here, but maybe we need to start looking for some actual qualifications. I suggest we start hiring people who fit our pre-defined profile. I think our ideal candidate for a position in our marketing department would be someone with large ears (listening is so very important). The candidate should be a "dog person" who likes lima beans and is in favor of dentists. They should love peotry and long walks on the beach at sunset. A marketing degree is a plus, but not necessary (we can get any degree we need on Ebay). This position really requires someone who's eyes are too close together and who has mild dandruff. The person should have slender fingers and a fake tan (the reasons for this are obvious). If you know anyone who fits this profile, please send them our way.

If you can think of any other criteria that we should consider, let me know that as well. Stay tuned for information on the shake-up in the Marketing Department. There will be big news on this subject coming soon.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

P.T.B.F.O. # 112368

Predicament To Be Figured Out -

Ladies and Gentlemen of Crock, Inc., we have another problem. Flanksham appears to be missing. All I can tell you is, he was very upset about the Yeti post and he has not been heard from since.

His last transmission to me was this noteworthy quote:

"Each cigarette takes 17 minutes off your life, each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life. If you smoke and eat bacon fast enough you can go back in time. Yes you heard it right, time travel is possible."

I can't imagine what could have happened for him to allow thoughts like these to enter his mind. But wait! You don't think......?

Oh no! Call every Bacon Bar in the City!! Get me the Commissioner of Pork Production on the line. Find me the closest place that serves bacon and is not under some kind of marshall smoking law. That's where we'll find FlankSham (actually, he quit smoking but for the purposes of this post, he started back up again). Unless......'s too late. We can't give up.

We need to be vigilant and pool our resources. In efforts to expedite the safe return of our valued associate, please follow the Search and Rescue (SAR) protocol set forth below:

1) Look around
2) If you see FlankSham, skip to step 4
3) If you don't see FlankSham, try again later
4) Do not approach him. Make a note of the place and time of the sighting.
5) When you return to you home, office, or jail cell, fill out a SAR 44C form with all of the relevant information.
6) Make nine copies of the form.
7) Mail each copy to yourself in separate envelopes. (The postmark will be used for verification purposes)
8) When you receive the envelopes, file seven of them for your records.
9) Place one of the envelopes, un-opened, into a larger envelope of a different color and mail it to our headquarters.
10) Open the final envelope and read it to remind yourself of the sighting. Have the copy notorized and fax it to your regional Crock Branch Office(check local listings).
11) Stay right where you are and wait for a phone call. (It won't be us, but eventually you'll probably get one)

Things to rememeber: Flanksham may indeed be attempting to prove his time travel thoery. You may have seen him in the past and not known that it is actually the present FlankSham on his journey backwards through time. You'll need to follow the procedure above for past sightings as well.

Side Note: Although Flanksham exists, and has for many years, it's interesting to me that a Google search returns no results. Either Google is broken, or Mr. Becconheimer FlankSham is an expert at stealth operations. He's avoided the long arm of Google for pete's sake! Our task could be arduous.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Missing Office Supplies....there must be a logical explanation

I'm sure it happens in every office. Ink pens disappear, paperclips vanish, toilet paper seems to walk out the door. The good news is, for our office at least, we know who's responsible.


That's right. Bigfoot. He strolls right in and devours the stuff. Think about it. Have you ever heard anyone say what a Yeti eats? No? Well that's because Yeti experts fear that they would lose their credibility if they put forth the notion that Bigfoot eats office supplies.

I picture him hunkered down in the supply closet dumping a box of staples into his gapping jaws.

This is the only logical explanation.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Are You Getting This?

So you say you don't "get" Crock, Inc.? It's not surprising. Allow me to explain the unexplainable.

There is really nothing to "get" other than the fact that there is nothing to "get". If you read this knowing that there is nothing to "get" then you won't be disappointed when you don't "get" it. If, perchance, you do happen to "get" something out of what you have read, then we're going to need to talk about it. RETRACT! Never mind.

You might find something that you "get" and then we'll have to talk. I try not to do that if at all possible.

It's actually very simple. If you read this non-informational, fictitious, nonsensical, improperly written so-called-blog, and you find something of interest (or of non-interest), please comment about it. Take a look at some of the comments to prior posts. Those people "get" it. Do you know why? Because they realize that I have no idea what on the green earth I'm talking about half the time, and the other half of the time I'm asleep. They comment with things that strike them. Much in the same way a charismatic televangelist whizzes people up into a tongue-talking frenzy, Crock nonsense (heads up! new term coinage about to occur) or "crocksense", can cause spontaneous writing about nothing in particular.

There is something that Crock Executive, Shareholders, Staff members, and sympathizers share. It's something that you probably didn't know existed in the natural world. It's something that we have operated with for 19 years now, and it's about time that we reveal it to the world so that everyone can tap into it.

It's called: Intragelligence.

This term was first used by an associate of mine from the Southern Particulator Notch Belt-buffer Department. They call him.........Tim? (pronounced "Tim" but actually spelled R-O-C-K)

Anyway, let me break this word down for you to help you "get" it.

Take 1) the prefix intra, meaning "within", 2) the word Integral, meaning "a necessary part of a whole", and 3)the word intelligence, meaning "capacity for learning, reasoning, and understanding" and mash them all together like a Big Mac (all sloppy and falling apart....don't do this while you're driving)....and you "get" Intragelligence.

It's the opposite of "Conventional Wisdom".

So throw what you think you know out the window. Forget about understanding as you used to know it. Dive in. Get inside your own capacity for reason and become one with it. Use your Intragelligence to accept what Crock is offering you. Nothing at all.

Email me to join the mailing list and further confuse the matter.

Also, stay tuned for a new feature called "Fishing with the Prez". Coming soon.