Hello! Is anyone still out there? If so, could you please let us out of the conference room? Who installed these doors anyway? It must have been Tricky's Backwards Door Handle Company. This is crap!
I had Sue confiscate all cell phones before we came in here, now she's gone for the day. This conference room phone is so confusing.....WHERE ARE THE DAMN BUTTONS?? What if the building was on fire? Shouldn't there be some kind of safety features around here?
Frieda already tried the window option. Oops. You'd have thought that one of us would have remembered the elevator ride to the 43rd floor. I guess not.
Normally, we keep our cell phones with us, but today we were discussing the marketing strategy for our new Belt-fed Cat Buffer and I didn't want any interruptions. You can obviously see the importance here. The problem is, most of us have to pee. This carpet cost us $46,000 per square foot (after shipping and handling) and I'm not about to let these idiots soil it.
Luckily, we still have an Internet connection. Please help!
Showing posts with label P.T.B.F.O.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label P.T.B.F.O.. Show all posts
Friday, May 23, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
P.T.B.F.O. # 112368
Predicament To Be Figured Out -
Ladies and Gentlemen of Crock, Inc., we have another problem. Flanksham appears to be missing. All I can tell you is, he was very upset about the Yeti post and he has not been heard from since.
His last transmission to me was this noteworthy quote:
"Each cigarette takes 17 minutes off your life, each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life. If you smoke and eat bacon fast enough you can go back in time. Yes you heard it right, time travel is possible."
I can't imagine what could have happened for him to allow thoughts like these to enter his mind. But wait! You don't think......?
Oh no! Call every Bacon Bar in the City!! Get me the Commissioner of Pork Production on the line. Find me the closest place that serves bacon and is not under some kind of marshall smoking law. That's where we'll find FlankSham (actually, he quit smoking but for the purposes of this post, he started back up again). Unless...... Unless.....it's too late. We can't give up.
We need to be vigilant and pool our resources. In efforts to expedite the safe return of our valued associate, please follow the Search and Rescue (SAR) protocol set forth below:
1) Look around
2) If you see FlankSham, skip to step 4
3) If you don't see FlankSham, try again later
4) Do not approach him. Make a note of the place and time of the sighting.
5) When you return to you home, office, or jail cell, fill out a SAR 44C form with all of the relevant information.
6) Make nine copies of the form.
7) Mail each copy to yourself in separate envelopes. (The postmark will be used for verification purposes)
8) When you receive the envelopes, file seven of them for your records.
9) Place one of the envelopes, un-opened, into a larger envelope of a different color and mail it to our headquarters.
10) Open the final envelope and read it to remind yourself of the sighting. Have the copy notorized and fax it to your regional Crock Branch Office(check local listings).
11) Stay right where you are and wait for a phone call. (It won't be us, but eventually you'll probably get one)
Things to rememeber: Flanksham may indeed be attempting to prove his time travel thoery. You may have seen him in the past and not known that it is actually the present FlankSham on his journey backwards through time. You'll need to follow the procedure above for past sightings as well.
Side Note: Although Flanksham exists, and has for many years, it's interesting to me that a Google search returns no results. Either Google is broken, or Mr. Becconheimer FlankSham is an expert at stealth operations. He's avoided the long arm of Google for pete's sake! Our task could be arduous.
Ladies and Gentlemen of Crock, Inc., we have another problem. Flanksham appears to be missing. All I can tell you is, he was very upset about the Yeti post and he has not been heard from since.
His last transmission to me was this noteworthy quote:
"Each cigarette takes 17 minutes off your life, each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life. If you smoke and eat bacon fast enough you can go back in time. Yes you heard it right, time travel is possible."
I can't imagine what could have happened for him to allow thoughts like these to enter his mind. But wait! You don't think......?
Oh no! Call every Bacon Bar in the City!! Get me the Commissioner of Pork Production on the line. Find me the closest place that serves bacon and is not under some kind of marshall smoking law. That's where we'll find FlankSham (actually, he quit smoking but for the purposes of this post, he started back up again). Unless...... Unless.....it's too late. We can't give up.
We need to be vigilant and pool our resources. In efforts to expedite the safe return of our valued associate, please follow the Search and Rescue (SAR) protocol set forth below:
1) Look around
2) If you see FlankSham, skip to step 4
3) If you don't see FlankSham, try again later
4) Do not approach him. Make a note of the place and time of the sighting.
5) When you return to you home, office, or jail cell, fill out a SAR 44C form with all of the relevant information.
6) Make nine copies of the form.
7) Mail each copy to yourself in separate envelopes. (The postmark will be used for verification purposes)
8) When you receive the envelopes, file seven of them for your records.
9) Place one of the envelopes, un-opened, into a larger envelope of a different color and mail it to our headquarters.
10) Open the final envelope and read it to remind yourself of the sighting. Have the copy notorized and fax it to your regional Crock Branch Office(check local listings).
11) Stay right where you are and wait for a phone call. (It won't be us, but eventually you'll probably get one)
Things to rememeber: Flanksham may indeed be attempting to prove his time travel thoery. You may have seen him in the past and not known that it is actually the present FlankSham on his journey backwards through time. You'll need to follow the procedure above for past sightings as well.
Side Note: Although Flanksham exists, and has for many years, it's interesting to me that a Google search returns no results. Either Google is broken, or Mr. Becconheimer FlankSham is an expert at stealth operations. He's avoided the long arm of Google for pete's sake! Our task could be arduous.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
P.T.B.F.O #112367
Predicament To Be Figured Out #112367
Good afternight dear patrons and staff. We have another predicament that we need to figure out. Your help was much appreciated on #112366 and Flanksham now has his fingers surgically reattached and he can almost swallow solid foods again.
This time, I regret to say, I have been studying the competition. It appears that it is commonly suggested and advised for blog posts to be concise and not to be overly wordy or longwinded. What in Blue Blazes are we supposed to do now?
Crock, Inc. has always found ways to simultaneously worship and butcher the American language. We have always seen the value of driving the point home by making sure you understand what we're getting at (or confusing you to the point where you have to read it many times over, and therefore memorizing it). Sometimes it is necessary to be redundant and repeat ourselves over and over using different words from time-to-time or once in a while, whichever comes first. We know that our readers can appreciate the fact that we say these things, sometimes twice or six times in the same sentence, add a comma, then say them again, while knowing full well that adding a comma means that we do not have to start a new sentence but rather let the original one keep going even though most grammatical experts would say it should have stopped by now but it didn't, then labelling it a "run on" sentence. (I hate that). We also know that, in many cases, short sentences may be more direct and to the point. Get it? Good. We'll use plenty of those too. (Have you noticed that we are rather fond of parenthetical comments as well?)
Basically, we need to know if you will stand behind us as we stand our ground. We will continue to blog "improperly" no matter how many times we're fined and arrested. Stand by us brothers and sisters. Your support is needed now.
Good afternight dear patrons and staff. We have another predicament that we need to figure out. Your help was much appreciated on #112366 and Flanksham now has his fingers surgically reattached and he can almost swallow solid foods again.
This time, I regret to say, I have been studying the competition. It appears that it is commonly suggested and advised for blog posts to be concise and not to be overly wordy or longwinded. What in Blue Blazes are we supposed to do now?
Crock, Inc. has always found ways to simultaneously worship and butcher the American language. We have always seen the value of driving the point home by making sure you understand what we're getting at (or confusing you to the point where you have to read it many times over, and therefore memorizing it). Sometimes it is necessary to be redundant and repeat ourselves over and over using different words from time-to-time or once in a while, whichever comes first. We know that our readers can appreciate the fact that we say these things, sometimes twice or six times in the same sentence, add a comma, then say them again, while knowing full well that adding a comma means that we do not have to start a new sentence but rather let the original one keep going even though most grammatical experts would say it should have stopped by now but it didn't, then labelling it a "run on" sentence. (I hate that). We also know that, in many cases, short sentences may be more direct and to the point. Get it? Good. We'll use plenty of those too. (Have you noticed that we are rather fond of parenthetical comments as well?)
Basically, we need to know if you will stand behind us as we stand our ground. We will continue to blog "improperly" no matter how many times we're fined and arrested. Stand by us brothers and sisters. Your support is needed now.
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