Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Token People: The Guy Who Comes to Work in the Morning Thinking About Lunch and How to Get Involved With Yours

As promised, our second installment of Token People.

You know him. Every office has one. It's 8:02am and he's hovering over your desk asking "What are we doing for lunch today?". Obviously already incorrectly assuming that you want to spend lunch hour with him because you did one time last year. He's the guy who comes to work in the morning thinking about lunch and how he can get involved with yours.

When you tell him you're "brown-baggin' it today" or that you're working through lunch, he acts as though you showed some sign of interest in letting him choose the venue for the two of you to have a sit down meal and chat. He'll respond "I was thinking ribs! We could go to Pappy's and get some of those ribs. They have a special on the honey habenero baby backs. Doesn't that sound good? Some ribs? Maybe some cole slaw and baked beans? Whatdya say?" (now he is ordering for you too)

You restrain the urge for violence and repeat "Not today. I really gotta catch up during lunch.".

He'll turn on the charm. "Come on man!", he"ll say. "Are you some kind of weirdo? Who would rather work than eat some ribs? That's crazy! Besides, I wanted to use this coupon before it expires."

Once again you respond, "Not today."

He will then resort to the classic "I'll drive!" as if that somehow increases the value of his proposition since Pappy's is downstairs in your building.

You'll refuse again and he might mutter something else about ribs as he walks away. But it isn't over! No no. He'll check with you at least three more times before noon. You'll politely refuse each time.

Come noon, just when you are settling in at your desk with your PB&J, tiny bag of Sun Chips, and chocolate pudding cup, he'll come strolling in with a Styrofoam container full of ribs, beans, and slaw. He'll slap it down on your desk, pull up a chair and say "I thought I'd keep your company since you're staying in for lunch. You're not busy are you? Is that chocolate pudding?"

He won't hear your angered response over the sound of his open-mouth chewing and the story of his weekend yardwork escapades already in progress. Bits of food will escape his mouth while he talks and find their way onto your paperwork and keyboard. The funnier he thinks his story is, the larger the bits become. Once he gets to the part where he accidentally caught the rose bush with the weed eater you might expect to find a couple of gently-used rib bones sailing your direction. As if that's not enough to keep the experience firmly etched in your memory, later, when you look in the mirror, you'll get another reminder...one lone perfectly intact baked bean sitting proudly upon your chin.

Gotta go vomit now.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

How Do You Fix Bullet Holes in a 1982 Buick Regal?

You don't. You leave them there. They just add character. As if the 1982 Buick Regal needs any more character.

These things are undisputed classics (I guess this is why there is some guy from a barbershop quartet wrestling with a giant paperclip in the picture). That V6 was just enough to get you in trouble but a big block chevy would fit right in there if you felt the need (no idea if that is accurate). Pin striping and chrome accents....oh yeah! Throw a set of white walls on simulated-spoke wheels and you got yourself a machine that tells the world "All class, all the time". Such a versatile vehicle. They come out of the box ready for business but can easily be "muscled up" or tricked out, and at this point in 2012, its hard to find a stock unit.

Some people point to the Monte Carlo as the quintessential badass of the early 80s era batch of sedans but those people usually turn out to be complete fools. Those cars are grocery-getters. Others say they'd prefer to be "livin' the dream in a Cutlass Supreme". They are wild-eyed idiots. The Regal is where its at. Although you slide a set of 22s under the Cutlass, black out the windows, maybe some neon ground lighting, and several thousand dollars in amps and woofers in there, you got something going.

If I catch anyone putting those fake bullet-hole stickers on any of these machines I will call the cops. Those are for child-abduction vans. Its easy enough to get the real thing if you know where to go in your Regal.

I know some of our staff are into the classics and prefer the late 60s muscle cars but why? What are gonna do with it? Park it in the driveway and wax it every weekend? Consider something you'll actually use that will turn heads, not because of the ridiculous hood scoop and thunderous rumble, but because they expect to find a raging douche-bag behind the wheel. That's what you'll get in a nicely-equipped 1982 Buick Regal riddled with bullet holes. As a perk, we provide just such a vehicle for select members of our sales team.

Happy 30th birthday 82 Regal!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Greatness Explained: Top Five Facebook Posts That No One Likes

I'm thinking maybe some people just don't get it (by "it", I mean "us").  The team here at Crock has generated some important, meaningful, and thought-provoking material in the form of our facebook status updates but our many many tens of followers couldn't seem to give a proverbial rats ass.  Let's run through some and see if there is a reason for your piss-poor behavior and lack of respect for some of the greatest facebookery in existence, or if you just can't pay attention to anything that happens before noon.

April 24th, 2012:
Clear some space in the copy room. Your new all-in-one printer/copier/scanner/fax is on the way.

You see, this one is clearly a joke.  The massive object in the picture is not an office machine at all but rather an antique toaster-oven like grandma used to use.  It is too! 
April 12th, 2012:
It'd be pretty cool to have an exoskeleton. Yeah right! Like that'll ever happen.

This one is just an observation.  A very true one at that.  Who wouldn't want an exoskeleton?  An unimaginative sack of boring, that's who!  Someone should invent some kind of hard, possibly metallic, suit that a person could wear that would protect them in the event that they accidentally get into a sword fight or worse, a jousting match.  But, as the last half of the post suggests, we're doubtful that we will see such technology, at least not in our lifetime.

March 13th, 2012:
According to the accounting department our greatest company asset is our boobs.

Simply stating a fact.  And it's worthy of a least one "like".  I know that Phil Teatherballs likes anything having to do with boobs.  Where are you Phil?

April 29th, 2012:
If you rode a woolly mammoth to work you would only have to leave home about 3,712 years early, depending on traffic.

Who would do that?  Who would actually ride a woolly mammoth to work?  Ha ha.  That's freakin' funny to think about.  But wait, why would it take so long to get there if you did ride one to work?  Is it because they are slow?  Yes.  They're slow.  That's it.  No.  IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE EXTINCT!  You would have had to saddle up and start riding in somewhere around 1700 B.C. because that's when they were last know to exist.

May 4th, 2012:

This one would seem to be self-explanatory.  When the command is given, you do it.  Plain and simple.  So unless all of you did so and were were subsequently defeated, someone should have returned to facebook to like the post.  That's today's digital version of spiking the ball.  To the victor go the spoils and the online gloating rights.  If you did not obey the command, there is still time.  Go forth and attack as commanded.
The above are just some examples of the powerful material that is being generated on the Crock Inc. facebook page.  I'm sure the fact that no one "likes" these posts is some sort of error.  Facebook is probably blocking likes for fear the snowball effect would distract from something else truly meaningful (they want us to buy an ad).  If not, and no one actually likes these posts, then fine.  We don't need anyone to proclaim their greatness.  Greatness does not need to be explained.  Then what is the purpose of this blog post?  Well, this particular greatness maybe needed a tiny bit of explaining.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Suddenly, an Olfactory Services Division

Starting exactly now, we have an Olfactory Services Division. This division will primarily focus on business consulting, but with a highly-specialized area of expertise: smell. Smelling services is an emerging market and we're on the leading edge (nothing in this statement has been verified).

Our skilled olfactory experts will visit your business and conduct a thorough smell test of the entire facility. Once the testing is complete, a detailed report will be provided. Well, maybe not all that detailed. In the base package we just tell you if it smells good or not good. You may upgrade your service to include more detail, like a "best guess" at the particular odor. The guess is based, not on scientific data, but on the memory of things we've smelled before. Here's how it works: if testing determines that your office smells good, the report might include that it smells like popcorn. If it testing returns a "not good" result, it may include that it smells like a homeless man on a hot day. Of course the good/not good results are completely subjective and based solely upon the opinion of the olfactory expert. If you hate popcorn, you may disagree with the result in the first example. Sorry, no refunds....and you're just silly.

Our third level of service is where the consulting comes in. In a case where you business smells not good, we will suggest ways to improve the smell. In most cases, simply removing the source of the not good smell won't help (there are several reasons for this but they are too technical for this audience). Which brings us to what we believe is the most valuable benefit we provide in that we will recommend a complimentary smell that may be introduced to offset the negative or off-putting scent. So if your business smells like stale KFC, our experts may suggest adding a touch of bourbon. Or if it smells like sour milk, we might suggest offsetting it with Eau De Sauerkraut.

Here's a random something you can't answer; What smell is most easily eliminated by lighting an UNscented candle?

Answer: natural gas.

In the future, we hope to be able to formulate and supply our clients with odoriferous cocktails that counteract any malodorous particles and turn most any "not good" result to "good". We're going to call it "air freshener".

For now though, our service packages come in the following levels; Bronze, silver, and three. They start out at as little as ten forty double eleven five teen dollar. Easy and affordable.

Don't call right now though because no one who works here knows we're offering this yet.