Suddenly, an Olfactory Services Division

Starting exactly now, we have an Olfactory Services Division. This division will primarily focus on business consulting, but with a highly-specialized area of expertise: smell. Smelling services is an emerging market and we're on the leading edge (nothing in this statement has been verified).

Our skilled olfactory experts will visit your business and conduct a thorough smell test of the entire facility. Once the testing is complete, a detailed report will be provided. Well, maybe not all that detailed. In the base package we just tell you if it smells good or not good. You may upgrade your service to include more detail, like a "best guess" at the particular odor. The guess is based, not on scientific data, but on the memory of things we've smelled before. Here's how it works: if testing determines that your office smells good, the report might include that it smells like popcorn. If it testing returns a "not good" result, it may include that it smells like a homeless man on a hot day. Of course the good/not good results are completely subjective and based solely upon the opinion of the olfactory expert. If you hate popcorn, you may disagree with the result in the first example. Sorry, no refunds....and you're just silly.

Our third level of service is where the consulting comes in. In a case where you business smells not good, we will suggest ways to improve the smell. In most cases, simply removing the source of the not good smell won't help (there are several reasons for this but they are too technical for this audience). Which brings us to what we believe is the most valuable benefit we provide in that we will recommend a complimentary smell that may be introduced to offset the negative or off-putting scent. So if your business smells like stale KFC, our experts may suggest adding a touch of bourbon. Or if it smells like sour milk, we might suggest offsetting it with Eau De Sauerkraut.

Here's a random something you can't answer; What smell is most easily eliminated by lighting an UNscented candle?

Answer: natural gas.

In the future, we hope to be able to formulate and supply our clients with odoriferous cocktails that counteract any malodorous particles and turn most any "not good" result to "good". We're going to call it "air freshener".

For now though, our service packages come in the following levels; Bronze, silver, and three. They start out at as little as ten forty double eleven five teen dollar. Easy and affordable.

Don't call right now though because no one who works here knows we're offering this yet.