Wednesday, March 21, 2012

What To Do When Your Face Swells Shut

This may seem like an oddly random subject and I'm sure you are wondering why I am bringing it up right now. I won't share, but suffice it to say there is a very pertinent and coherent reason for the timing and subject matter which I have just bestowed upon you. I realize that you weren't expecting such meaningful material and you are now undeniably hooked to this post that you'd rather be buried in fire ants than to abort the reading mission before the objective of finding out what to do when your face swells shut. This is really an issue of survival. Hopefully you've set aside the necessary time.

Before we get into the meat of this, lets start by defining the problem. Although the underlying cause should certainly be of concern to you if your face swells shut, it is not our focus at this time. To assure we are all on the same page;

"Face" is that portion of the front of your head where your eyes, nose, and mouth are located. If you have a moustache, beard, glasses, or a silent expression of hatred for your fellow man, they would also be found here.

"Swells" refers to an abnormal enlargement or bloating. Many times this is a sudden onset that may occur in the event of exposure to an allergen or a good beating. In some cases the swelling may occur over time, perhaps as a result of some cruel disease or excessive consumption of bacon milkshakes.

And "shut" means "closed". As it relates to the face, specifically the involuntary closing of the eyes, nose, and mouth due to the aforementioned swelling.

Now, let's discuss the dos and don'ts.

First, let me share with you a few things NOT to do when your face swells shut. Here is a short list that I threw together. I'm just guessing here. My face has never swelled or swollen shut.

  • Please DO NOT come to work. You will scare people. Plus, your productivity will surely suffer due to the shutness of your face.
  • I assume you would not want to drive a vehicle. At least not very fast.
  • Guys(and extremely hairy women), do NOT shave when your face is swollen shut! I mean it. Don't do it!
  • Don't worry about the dogs you hear barking at you. They are not equipped with a sense of compassion.
  • Most importantly; Do not panic!

I'm sure there are more don'ts but those are the obvious ones. Now, what should you do?

  • PANIC! After all you are trapped in a private hell and held against your will by your own face.
  • Breathe. Oh wait, you can't. Since most humans breathe through the mouth, the nose, a combination of the two, or alternation between them, and they are both shut by the definition presented earlier. Unless you are lucky enough to have a blowhole, you should probably try to get a straw shoved between your lips and/or in a nostril or two. This may allow you to process enough oxygen to avoid suffocation temporarily.
  • Turn off the lights. You can't see anyway. No point in wasting energy and just because you have only moments to live doesn't mean you need to forget about the environment.
  • Seek medical attention. Lets face it, the problem is not likely to reverse itself and is probably life-threatening. Grandma may have a home remedy but she's never around when you really need her now is she? Since we've already eliminated driving as a possibility you'll need to call 911. I know, using a phone is difficult. Just feel your way around the keypad and do you best. If you get someone who asks you "what listing?" you've hit a 4 instead of a 9. Try again. Once connected to a dispatcher, help is on the way. Of course you can't talk to explain anything but they can track your location by the caller ID info or cellular network. They will realize that it is an emergency by the fact that you called 911. No one calls them to make idle chit-chat. They will also pick up on the urgency in your muffled but horrifying internal screams. Side note: they can't hear your arms flailing around wildly so stop. That's just another energy-saving tip.

Hopefully you will remember this advice when your face swells shut and somehow manage to follow it. For those of you who have been through it, feel free to share your experiences.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Six Ways to Make Your Day Unsuck

We've all been there. Those days when the weight of the world comes crashing down. Or maybe it just comes down in a slow drip, like water torture. First, work sucks. You realize you are completely surrounded by incompetence. Every cubicle you look in you find a well-dressed moron who probably gets paid more than you. Your boss probably asked you to do some ridiculous time-wasting task that doesn't fit your job description, like taking inventory of packing-peanuts when everyone knows that Rhonda Bluegums is supposed to handle that since her job title is Packing-Peanut and Bubble Wrap Inventory Manager.

Then, it starts to creep into your personal life. You spill your freshly poured java on what then becomes your freshly scalded crotch and your freshly stained pants. Of course, you didn't bring another pair of pants! Who carries extra pants around? So, instead of going directly to the bar after work, you try to run into a clothing store and buy some new pants but they only have the stupid kind with pleats. You decide pleats are better than a massive crotch stain so you buy them. You get a speeding ticket on the way to the bar, you have a dozen too many, puke on three of the four bikers in the room, get beat to a pulp, put in a cab, and you wake up in a basement of some house where there is an excessive amount of mason jars with some type of organic and permanently preserved materials in them.....and your stupid pleated pants are nowhere to be found.

How do you stay positive when this is how life treats you? Here are six things that will help your day go better and possibly help others in the process:

1) Sing your thoughts. That's right. Whatever you are thinking, sing it....out loud. But pick a cheery tune. Let's say your thinking "Rob Dollman is a horses ass". You could set it to the tune of the Green Acres theme. It'll be contagious and before you know it, the whole office will be singing it. Maybe even Rob Dollman.

2) Flip off things. Inanimate objects. Even if they did nothing to you. Don't let anyone see you do it. This one is just for you. It'll make you feel better so the next four suggestions will have better results.

3) Double Negatives. When something negative happens (and it always does), double down on it. Let's say your computer crashed and you lost half-a-day's work. Go tell your boss that you were almost done with the useless report he asked for when your computer exploded, sent shrapnel though the office killing Daryl Colby and setting the office ablaze. Once he finds out the truth, it won't seem so bad.

4) Bring up the past. People love it when you remind them of their mistakes. If you mess up and Bob from accounts payable gives you shit just remind him of the time he forgot to take his inflatable "friend" out of his car before pulling in the garage. Remind him that you still have the surveillance video. It will lighten the mood quickly.

5) All the cool kids are doing it. If you see a coworker struggling, struggle worse. For example; JoAnn is looking in the top drawer of a filing cabinet but pulls it out too far and the cabinet tips over with a crash. Make her feel better by charging the bank of filing cabinets in a dead sprint and smashing into them. Knock them all down. If they won't fall, rip out the drawers and throw them around the place. Make a huge mess. Encourage others to join the rampage. JoAnn will feel better. Make her clean it up. She started it.

6) Scape-elephant. Place a statue of an animal, it doesn't matter what animal, on your desk. For the purposes of this purpose, let's use a statue of an elephant. Now, every time something bad happens, blame the elephant. The shipment didn't go out on time? The elephant fell asleep. Payroll didn't go out? The elephant forgot. Admonish the elephant. Scold it publicly. Really dive in. Yell and scream. Threaten it. Take away television privileges, make it stand in a corner, stab it repeatedly with a letter opener, throw it in the trash and light it on fire. We're not sure how this helps, but it does.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


Just a quick rundown of a few Crock Awesomificating Technologies. One is new, one is old, and one is still conceptual in nature.

UUR- Undetectable Universal Reset-
In production since 2002, this impressive (albeit useless) technology is usually implemented by a physical button-press type of manuever but could be activated by a mouse click or screen tap as well. When activated, the UUR resets the entire universe and restarts it at the precise moment of the activation, making it seem as though nothing happened. Remarkably, the memory of the activation remains, thus causing the unknowing user to experience bewilderment, confusion and occassionally, anger. It sometimes even causes the "client" to attempt the action again and again. The unhelpful nature of this technology and the lack of any practical or worthwhile application for it does not diminish it's grandeur. It did, afterall, take us two non-consecutive hours to think of. So, if you've ever pressed a button, clicked a link, or tapped an icon and nothing happened, that's what we want you to believe. In reality, you might have been UUR'd. You'll think of us next time the batteries are dead in your remote control.

Coin-toss Manipulator (CoMan)-
This is just what the name suggests. It's small profile is a key selling feature in that it is often important for implementation to be discrete. Weighing in at a mere 43 pounds the device kinda fits into a large suitcase or may be mostly concealed underneath a sombrero of exaggerated proportions. (we plan an update sometime next year that will eliminate the 96 decible buzzing sound). Use of this technology in clinical trial coin-tosses provided a 50.02% predictability of outcomes factor. In 10,000 tosses, where the CoMan was set to "heads" the tossing resulted in 5002 heads, 4997 tails, and one time the coin landed upright in a plate of potato salad placed on the floor to simulate real-world conditions. Pretty impressive. You may have noticed this technology in action at the Super Bowl this year. Incidentally, our researchers are now studying the coin-atrraction properties of potato salad.

Marsupial Detector (concept)-
Used to determine if there are any marsupials in the immediate vicinity. Critics are not thrilled with this one. They say things like "this one should be called the UUT- Utterly Unnecessary Technology", or "Why?.....Why?". But we don't care. We think it will come in handy if you are allergic to kangaroos, or if you need to find the nearest wallabee, or better yet, if you want to find out if someone is just playing possum or is actually an oppossum. We know. Amazing right? Our team is working diligently on this one. It has been rumored that a group of blind one-armed Gabonese pigmy scientists is developing a similar product but we believe we are in the drivers seat on this one.

Click HERE and nothing will happen. Or will it?