Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Corporate Ninja Training Postponed

Since we don't have a squadron of secret corporate ninjas, I don't have to tell you that Flanksham's Ninja training class for next week is postponed while we search for a new venue. Things got a little wild this week.

Fonk, Chisel, Chainsaw

It's time for Gesture Lessons. I would like to see these put to use in our daily interactions throughout the company. I believe they will enhance our career experience and boost moral. The following gestures, complete with names and instructions on how to properly execute them, are something that I learned from co-workers as I came up through the ranks of the company. It seems we have gotten away from these over the years. Let's bring 'em back.

First, we have the "Fonk". The name of this gesture is meant to simulate the sound of a hammer or other blunt object striking something (more like someone). To perform this gesture simply make a fist, straighten your elbow and keep your arm stiff. (Don't forget to retain the fist. I know it's a lot to remember.) You are now ready to deploy the Fonk. Raise your arm (while retaining the fist, arm stiff) and bring it down swiftly onto a co-worker's head. (You don't have to use extreme or deadly force, just use enough to keep the element of surprise). The instant your fist contacts the victim's head (this is key) say the word "Fonk" loudly and proudly. You can experiment with the tone and delivery. We used to get creative. My fave was "Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-FONK!"

Next up; "Chisel". This one is named after the tool often used in woodworking and other manual shop-class-type tasks. The Chisel gesture is similar to the Fonk in the respect that the hand is in the fist position. The arm however, is bent at the elbow. To deploy the Chisel, drive the bent elbow into the victim's ribs and use the free hand to "hammer" on the fist of the bent arm while retaining your-elbow-to-victim's-rib contact. Imagine your elbow as the chisel blade and your fist as the head of the chisel. Your free hand is the hammer driving the blade home. Once again, the goal is not to hurt the victim but just to catch them off-guard and make them uncomfortable. You're not busting concrete blocks here. The vocalization of the chisel begins when contact is made. You're gong to use the word "Chisel" but the inflection of this one is important. You must use a falsetto voice and draw out the word. If only you could here me when I say "chiiiizzzzzellll".

Lastly, the "Chainsaw". This is named after a dog I had when I was six. Not really. It's named after a chainsaw of course. The arm position on this one is the same as the "Fonk". The delivery is different however. Get the arm in position with the straight elbow. Instead of a fist, use an open hand, like a karate-chop. Now, imagine you arm is actually a chainsaw. You need to start it up to make it work. Use your other arm (assuming you have one) to make the motions of pull-starting. Add a few sound-effects for authenticity. To my knowledge, there is no chainsaw that starts on the first pull. Be sure yours takes two or three pulls before starting. Once it "starts" your ready to deploy. On the final imaginary pull of the rope, the one that actually starts the imaginary motor, you'll need your best chainsaw sound to be coming out of your mouth (assuming you have one) full force while simultaneously raising the arm and placing the side of your open-hand-chainsaw-blade on some part of the victim's body. Apply moderate pressure and hold it on the victim while continuing to simulate the sound of a revved-up chainsaw.

So there you have it. Some fun and fantastic gestures that you probably never would have discovered on your own. I believe you will find these useful when directed at someone who has just insulted you, someone who has just said something stupid, or someone who is just stupid. Practice these on your friends and family for a few days, then bring them to work with you. I will expecting to see these in action by Monday.


Tuesday, July 8, 2008

E. Coli De Gallo - The Taste of Summer

First, some people got sick. It must have been something they ate. Then, the piss-poor investigation began and ended with the conclusion: Someone put E-Coli in the Tomatoes (actually salmonella, but it doesn't sound as good).

Although saddened by the suffering of the individuals who were sickened, I was not upset when tomatoes were found guilty. I don't really care for them. When I pulled up to the drive up at Burger King and saw the sign explaining why there would be no tomato on any Whoppers or anything else, I was not concerned. I was going to tell them to "Hold the tomato" anyway.

I think we would all get along just fine without these fruits-maybe-vegetables-but-probably-fruits. Other than maybe the Italians. Hey Guys! What about a nice cream sauce? A white wine reduction? My friend Alfredo? Screw the red sauce dudes. We can do without.

Oh, and the Mexicans. God help us all if salsa is not available. I do enjoy tomato-based enchilada sauce, but I can live with Queso instead. However, I would appreciate it if you kindly keep your malevolent bacteria away from the jalapenos. I love those things.

That being said, wouldn't you know it? The investigation is re-opened. It seems people are still getting sick. And guess what? Like I said before, it must have been something they ate. So now the FDA or the CDC or the PTA or whatever is looking into foods commonly paired with tomatoes. They mentioned cilantro, which did not worry me. But then came the stupid part. It might be the Jalapenos! The Horror!!

I'm stockpiling my spicy green friends now before they get yanked.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Corn Oil Wrestling and the Cheese Canopy Mandate

To all Non-existent Crock, Inc. Competitors:

So you think you have a superior product? Impossible. A better and cheaper alternative to one of our products? Never......but let's just play a little pretend game of fake economic cause-and-effect. Do you have any legos? No matter. We'll use words instead.

Let's take, for example, our long-time best-selling product the "No-walled Wonder Tent". It's like a tent, but it has no walls. We've sold dozens. Now let's say that you, Mr. Non-existent Competitor, Inc., come up with something that does the same thing but it's made from different materials like hemp or cheese (Warning: patent infringment will get you wacked). You call your copy-cat rip-off product idea a "Canopy" and you sell it for around the same price as our "No-Walled Wonder Tent". Let's also say that you successfully lobby the government to make it mandatory that 10% of our customers buy your product instead of ours. Here's what will happen: You will lose, cry, and be emotionally damaged forever.

As soon as the government-mandated-ten-percent-canopy-purchasing-bill passes through congress, we will immediately begin a "Canopy Destructo Maneuver". We will incrementally increase the price of our "NWWT" so that the 90% of people who can still buy it will pay the price for your fool-heartedishness. We'll be sure to publicly blame you for the price increase. NWWT buyers will hate you and wish plagues of locusts upon your lower half.

The example above is a more or less what has happened recently in the oil game. The President of OPEC says the the introduction of ethanol to the market is responsible for 40% of the rise in the cost of crude oil. Poppycock?

We know that ethanol is no savior, but it's not responsible for raising the price of oil by 40 percent. That's a bunch of junk. TRICKS! Competition does not cause price hikes. The dynamics of supply/demand ultimately determine the price of everything. It's not just a good idea, it's the law. Ethanol decreases demand for crude oil.

I love to over-simplfy. Thanks for allowing me to do what I love.

Get your Wonder Tents Now while you can still afford them!!