Monday, November 10, 2008

Frequent Urination Will Not Be Tolerated


You have been leaving your desk four times per day for the past three days. Half way through day number 2, I started watching (stalking) you. You leave your desk and walk down the hall into the ladies room. You remain inside for between 2 minutes and 13 seconds to 3 minutes and 54 seconds. You then exit the ladies room and return to your desk.

I think you see where I'm going with this. I can only imagine what you are doing in there. I suspect you are urinating. I also suspect that sometimes you fail to wash your hands. You disgust me. Sicko! You are wasting over 12 minutes per day of the company's time. How could you be so irresponsible? You are a dirty thief and filthy liar. While you dilly dally on the pot for an hour per week, the rest of your department remains at their desk. They only leave for mandatory breaks, lunch, and a ten minute smoke break every hour. When they feel like leaving their desks in between, they instead play solitaire or minesweeper or surf inappropriate material on the web or make personal phone calls.

If you value your job, you will take up smoking or find other, less-obvious ways to waste company time. This is your only warning. Get with the program. There is no room in this company for lazy cancerous festering disrespectful careless oozing derelict poopie pants like you.

Also, it's your turn to restock the bacon dispenser. Don't even think about bring the turkey kind again....and please, for the love of all that is good and holy, wash your hands!



Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Introducing the New Coordinator of Sticky Removal

Perhaps you will recall the job opening created a while back after Ghordo Whipple successfully navigated his way into my office without an appointment, but did not have as much success on the way out. If you don't remember, please review.

Finally, after hundreds of interviews, we have found our man. He possesses the exact skill set we were seeking in a replacement for Ghordo. He's reserved and a little creepy. He has the comb-over and a mustache. The lenses of his glasses are at least as thick as his eyebrows. His skin is shiny and he smells like pastrami and beer. He is a self-starter who is able to work unsupervised (although probably shouldn't). He is an accomplished trash sorter and a very talented broomsman.

Please join me in welcoming Mr. Reavis Cantalou, our new Coordinator of Sticky Removal. The Janitorial staff is now complete once again. I look forward to complete sticky abatement within the next week to ten days.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Have You Checked the Government's Credit Score Lately?

I have. It's not good. I'm starting to rethink my lending practices.

When I started paying into the social security system, I checked a few references and made Uncle Sam fill out a net worth statement. I weighed the government's debt-to-income ratio. I even pulled Equifax AND TransUnion reports on them. It wasn't good then, but I ignored it in the interest of fairness. I mean, doesn't everyone have the right to take money directly out of mypaycheck and use it for whatever they wish?

Now, however, in the wake of a lending crunch (tater chips), I'm cancelling the open line of credit I've extended to the feds. I'm fairly certain that I'm not going to get my money back voluntarily.

As the incredibly talented (and young, and handsome, and intelligent, and modest) CEO of an uber-successful fake corporation, you can imagine how much money I actually bring home. Well, that may not be true. It is an obscene and possibly unfathomable number. Not to mention, I have been skimming some off the top for years now, plus, I have a massive "golden parachute" and a stock portfolio that could choke a big fat stock portfolio eater. Over the course of my illustrious career, $1(insert a whole bunch of zeros) has been seized from my paychecks for my government-mandated government-managed retirement account also know as "social security".

Since I make sick money, and since the government has already spent what they confiscated from me, I'll never see a dime of it back. Where I come from, that's called "default". The government is a deadbeat street thief. It's time to cut them loose and call in the note.

I've already sent three letters. One letter was a "friendly reminder" stating that " perhaps you have overlooked your bill" and asking them to "please call my office to make payment arrangements". No response. Another was a bit more stern. Something like "your account is past due" and "if your payment is not submitted within ten business days, your account may be reported to credit agencies". No response. The third letter was very brief; "Your refusal to respond has left me no choice but to pursue action against your physical well-being". I'm sending Veto and Murray out the Washington to break some legs.

I can't even get them to give me some lame excuse. Hey governement! See this for some good excuses.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Road Kill: Survival of the Fittest or Revival of the Mammoth?

We're not all about the profits here at Crock, Inc. We do believe in being good stewards of the earth. We, like you, are very concerned with the health of the environment and the well-being of our animal friends with whom we share our planet.

For the past seven years our research and destruction team has been researching the destruction of armadillo along Missouri roadways. Their findings may surprise you. Well, let's be honest. The bulk of you may be surprised to learn that there are armadillos to destroy along Missouri roadways. I was shocked too.

It is true. The mid-western roadways of the central portion of eastern Missouri do indeed run through armadillo territory. No one can say for certain which came first. Some evidence suggests that these lovable armored creatures may have migrated here after the industrial revolution of the central portion of eastern Missouri (1992). At any rate, during the seven year study, the frequency of armadillo road kill incidents increased from 4 in 2001 to more than 400 in 2008. That's like a million percent increase or something.

The evidence overwhelmingly points to a healthy and thriving population of armadillos in this region. Though it may also simultaneously suggest too yet as well that these creatures suck at crossing the road, it nevertheless proves that the armadillo population is on the rise.

Or does it mean that there is more traffic now? Or does it mean that evil operatives have been targeting these animals with their automobiles? The study didn't really take it into account. Actually, we ended the study after one Crock researcher and destructor made a very valid point.

He asked, "Over the past seven years, how many Woolly Mammoth carcasses have been discovered slain by vehicles along the mid-western roadways of the central portion of eastern Missouri?"

Of course, the answer is; none. He continued, "If we found a fresh woolly mammoth road kill today in this area, wouldn't it indicate that the woolly mammoth population must have been greater than we thought prior to the road kill?"

Considering that we were 100% certain that there were zero mammoth left, we had to agree. Study complete.

What did we learn? If we all pitch in and help, we truly can make a difference. The planet needs you. You can start today. Please join Crock, Inc. in conjunction with The National Society of Crazies to help, not just armadillos, but squirrels, opossum, peacock, ostrich, and even woolly mammoth co-exist and thrive in a world of fast-moving automobiles. Here's how you can help:

When you're out driving around in your SUV for no good reason, look for opportunities. Each time you see an animal cross the road, consider speeding up and hitting the creature. Imagine the possibilities? If you hit enough of a certain species, you will (as proven by our seven year study) increase the known population of that particular species. Remember, if you run down just one woolly mammoth, you will have single-handedly brought back these majestic and docile mammals from extinction.

Please visit The NSC website for more information.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Fishing Lessons

So I watched both the DNC and the RNC. I studied and followed the coverage on the liberal networks and the normal one too (and even on the radio, shut your mouth).

I see one distinct difference between the platforms that is being overlooked, and has been since the democrat party rose from the primordial ooze and charged the other invertebrates a tax for breathing too much air. Without whipping it out and/or slapping your face with it or making any kind of big deal about it at all, I will tell you what it is. Obviously, I'm assuming you cannot figure this out for yourself, I shall hint your ass.

Here it is, in a nutshell (Macadamia,, filbert. That's it. Filbert.) Well, wait, I can sum it up with this old ecclesiastical proverb psalm: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for life.

Can you decipher the hidden message? Can you figure out what I'm talking about? Can you dig it?

Fishing Lessons start Monday.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

To Whom It May Concrock

This is a warning:

The Archives have been opened!

After 18 years of being sealed tightly and locked (and buried) in multiple secret confidential locations unknown to everyone (even me), the original founding documents have been released (to me and only me, not you, not your Dad, not the media, but just me). I, and I alone have the documents and you will not be able to see them unless I let you. No amount of clearance waivers, security release forms, licenses, forcible sodomy, or water torture will gain you access to these things.

Having stated the above, and having made it abundantly clear to those who are able to read, as well as having been directly and straight-forwardly obvious as to the nature of the lack of any procedure to access the aforementioned documents by anyone other than myself, I will now describe to you my purposeful, deliberate, and intentional intentions for the trickle-down method of slowly leaking, or trickling, the information contained in said documents down to you, the general workforce and personnel units.

First, you will have to visit this site again later because I'm not going to share, or trickle, much of anything useful (there is nothing useful anyway) at this point. Note: SUBSCRIBING to this site is a great way to keep tabs on breaking, or trickling, information and changes to the site. It's very simple, the links are to the right, use them. It's idiot proof in most languages. Although English sometimes presents a challenge for us.

Secondly, the information contained in the documents may be presented in it's original form or not. For example: the title of the post may be the original document name, or, contrarily, conversely, and maybe even convexly squeezed into posts on other topics. Those cognizant of this will find the founding documents pertinent to all topics by virtue of their unimportance and dis-relationship to everything important. When used in the later manner, the documents will be sited as reference material for proving fiction to be false (which makes it true fiction, as previously discussed).

So, subscribe and stay tuned for excerpts or publication of documents such as:

The Mistake
The Origin of Broke
225 Horses are Bound to Kick Something
The Great Amoeba Controversy
CLOCKS and Other Miscellaneous Items of Question
File #23: Shackleford
File #72: Flabbershack and Co.
The Anatomy of a Lint Ball
--Countless P.T.B.F.O.s---
...and much more.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Top 9 Reasons Why This is Not a Top 10 List

1) There are only nine reasons on the list.

2) Top 10 lists are popular.

3) Top 10 list are popular because you all have short attention spans. This list is better because it's shorter. That's why it's shorter; to make it better.

4) Earlier this year, Congress passed a law that changed the qualifications for list-making. Before the law, it only took two items to be considered a list. Now, it takes more than two. That means it could take three, or four, or 2.1. In protest to this new law, and governments intrusion into the list list business, we refuse to create lists with an even number of items.

5) There is no "10" in a hexadecimal numbering system.

6) We love you.

7) When Ones and Zeros get together, they tear sh*t up.

8) Have you ever heard of a "Top Nine List"?

9) See number 10.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Hey Captain! You Suck at Rummy!

Whoa! I'm finally back. I don't have much time as I am still being debriefed. (It has as much to do with pant-removal as it does spewing forth information).

I know you are all wondering where I've been for the past month. I am also fairly certain that everything has fallen into chaos without your fearless, honorable, handsome and modest leader. I assure you I will restore order around here once this is all over.

As you do not know, I was sailing in the Sea of Cortez in mid-July. Things went horribly wrong. Ladies and Gentlemen, you had better be sitting down for this: I was abducted by pirates. That's right. I would not doubt if they were aliens too, but definitely pirates. I cannot begin to describe the atrocities that I suffered at the hands of these barbarians. Well, maybe I could.

I was forced to play rummy for at least three hours. There was no cell service or Internet. They did have satellite TV, but just one channel, GOL-TV, soccer 24/7. I asked how they got that service. They told me it was pirated. Duh.

The one guy (I called him the Captain because of the hook) was so arrogant and demeaning that I contemplated making fun of his wooden leg, but I didn't. He claims that he beat me at rummy every time. He refuses to see that 5, 8, Jack is not a lay-downable set.

I still haven't processed the whole ordeal. Just writing about it brings the horror right back. I don't think I can continue. Please understand that I will come out of this experience stronger and more knowledgeable about soccer than ever before. And, if I ever meet the Captain again.......It's Rummy by the Rules!!

I still don't think they have a clue who they were messing with. Please refer to a previous post for our Pirate Policy.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Corporate Ninja Training Postponed

Since we don't have a squadron of secret corporate ninjas, I don't have to tell you that Flanksham's Ninja training class for next week is postponed while we search for a new venue. Things got a little wild this week.

Fonk, Chisel, Chainsaw

It's time for Gesture Lessons. I would like to see these put to use in our daily interactions throughout the company. I believe they will enhance our career experience and boost moral. The following gestures, complete with names and instructions on how to properly execute them, are something that I learned from co-workers as I came up through the ranks of the company. It seems we have gotten away from these over the years. Let's bring 'em back.

First, we have the "Fonk". The name of this gesture is meant to simulate the sound of a hammer or other blunt object striking something (more like someone). To perform this gesture simply make a fist, straighten your elbow and keep your arm stiff. (Don't forget to retain the fist. I know it's a lot to remember.) You are now ready to deploy the Fonk. Raise your arm (while retaining the fist, arm stiff) and bring it down swiftly onto a co-worker's head. (You don't have to use extreme or deadly force, just use enough to keep the element of surprise). The instant your fist contacts the victim's head (this is key) say the word "Fonk" loudly and proudly. You can experiment with the tone and delivery. We used to get creative. My fave was "Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-FONK!"

Next up; "Chisel". This one is named after the tool often used in woodworking and other manual shop-class-type tasks. The Chisel gesture is similar to the Fonk in the respect that the hand is in the fist position. The arm however, is bent at the elbow. To deploy the Chisel, drive the bent elbow into the victim's ribs and use the free hand to "hammer" on the fist of the bent arm while retaining your-elbow-to-victim's-rib contact. Imagine your elbow as the chisel blade and your fist as the head of the chisel. Your free hand is the hammer driving the blade home. Once again, the goal is not to hurt the victim but just to catch them off-guard and make them uncomfortable. You're not busting concrete blocks here. The vocalization of the chisel begins when contact is made. You're gong to use the word "Chisel" but the inflection of this one is important. You must use a falsetto voice and draw out the word. If only you could here me when I say "chiiiizzzzzellll".

Lastly, the "Chainsaw". This is named after a dog I had when I was six. Not really. It's named after a chainsaw of course. The arm position on this one is the same as the "Fonk". The delivery is different however. Get the arm in position with the straight elbow. Instead of a fist, use an open hand, like a karate-chop. Now, imagine you arm is actually a chainsaw. You need to start it up to make it work. Use your other arm (assuming you have one) to make the motions of pull-starting. Add a few sound-effects for authenticity. To my knowledge, there is no chainsaw that starts on the first pull. Be sure yours takes two or three pulls before starting. Once it "starts" your ready to deploy. On the final imaginary pull of the rope, the one that actually starts the imaginary motor, you'll need your best chainsaw sound to be coming out of your mouth (assuming you have one) full force while simultaneously raising the arm and placing the side of your open-hand-chainsaw-blade on some part of the victim's body. Apply moderate pressure and hold it on the victim while continuing to simulate the sound of a revved-up chainsaw.

So there you have it. Some fun and fantastic gestures that you probably never would have discovered on your own. I believe you will find these useful when directed at someone who has just insulted you, someone who has just said something stupid, or someone who is just stupid. Practice these on your friends and family for a few days, then bring them to work with you. I will expecting to see these in action by Monday.


Tuesday, July 8, 2008

E. Coli De Gallo - The Taste of Summer

First, some people got sick. It must have been something they ate. Then, the piss-poor investigation began and ended with the conclusion: Someone put E-Coli in the Tomatoes (actually salmonella, but it doesn't sound as good).

Although saddened by the suffering of the individuals who were sickened, I was not upset when tomatoes were found guilty. I don't really care for them. When I pulled up to the drive up at Burger King and saw the sign explaining why there would be no tomato on any Whoppers or anything else, I was not concerned. I was going to tell them to "Hold the tomato" anyway.

I think we would all get along just fine without these fruits-maybe-vegetables-but-probably-fruits. Other than maybe the Italians. Hey Guys! What about a nice cream sauce? A white wine reduction? My friend Alfredo? Screw the red sauce dudes. We can do without.

Oh, and the Mexicans. God help us all if salsa is not available. I do enjoy tomato-based enchilada sauce, but I can live with Queso instead. However, I would appreciate it if you kindly keep your malevolent bacteria away from the jalapenos. I love those things.

That being said, wouldn't you know it? The investigation is re-opened. It seems people are still getting sick. And guess what? Like I said before, it must have been something they ate. So now the FDA or the CDC or the PTA or whatever is looking into foods commonly paired with tomatoes. They mentioned cilantro, which did not worry me. But then came the stupid part. It might be the Jalapenos! The Horror!!

I'm stockpiling my spicy green friends now before they get yanked.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Corn Oil Wrestling and the Cheese Canopy Mandate

To all Non-existent Crock, Inc. Competitors:

So you think you have a superior product? Impossible. A better and cheaper alternative to one of our products? Never......but let's just play a little pretend game of fake economic cause-and-effect. Do you have any legos? No matter. We'll use words instead.

Let's take, for example, our long-time best-selling product the "No-walled Wonder Tent". It's like a tent, but it has no walls. We've sold dozens. Now let's say that you, Mr. Non-existent Competitor, Inc., come up with something that does the same thing but it's made from different materials like hemp or cheese (Warning: patent infringment will get you wacked). You call your copy-cat rip-off product idea a "Canopy" and you sell it for around the same price as our "No-Walled Wonder Tent". Let's also say that you successfully lobby the government to make it mandatory that 10% of our customers buy your product instead of ours. Here's what will happen: You will lose, cry, and be emotionally damaged forever.

As soon as the government-mandated-ten-percent-canopy-purchasing-bill passes through congress, we will immediately begin a "Canopy Destructo Maneuver". We will incrementally increase the price of our "NWWT" so that the 90% of people who can still buy it will pay the price for your fool-heartedishness. We'll be sure to publicly blame you for the price increase. NWWT buyers will hate you and wish plagues of locusts upon your lower half.

The example above is a more or less what has happened recently in the oil game. The President of OPEC says the the introduction of ethanol to the market is responsible for 40% of the rise in the cost of crude oil. Poppycock?

We know that ethanol is no savior, but it's not responsible for raising the price of oil by 40 percent. That's a bunch of junk. TRICKS! Competition does not cause price hikes. The dynamics of supply/demand ultimately determine the price of everything. It's not just a good idea, it's the law. Ethanol decreases demand for crude oil.

I love to over-simplfy. Thanks for allowing me to do what I love.

Get your Wonder Tents Now while you can still afford them!!

Friday, June 27, 2008

Keep It Up Mr. Unknown Bathroom Graffiti Genius!

....I enjoyed this and thank you for defacing company property. I always wondered how to operate the bacon dispenser. If you're out there, have you ever considered a position as a technical writer?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Stupid Shoes + 17 Mile Wade = Fishing with the Prez

This month's winner fo the Fishing with the Prez Contest was Jerry Malone, father of Janice Malone. Jerry is an engineer in our Unnecessary Mechanical Device Department. His contributions to the company include various inventions. Some of his more noteworthy creations are: the toothpick sharpener, the coat-hanger straightener, the music detector, a device (at present unnamed) that removes the perferations from toilet paper and paper towel rolls, a fancy-maker (used to make normal stuff into fancy stuff), and a car wash washer (it cleans dirty car washes).

Jerry's latest invention, the one that gave him the privelidge to go fishing with me, is his "snake under-arm deodorant application machine". I believe this to be particularly unnecessary as snakes do not normally have a problem with B.O. to my knowledge. For those of you less studied in reptilian biology it is important to know that snakes do not have sweat glands. (Hang on. Sue just handed me a note.) Oh yeah, snakes do not have arms, ultimately causing them to lack under-arms. Wow Jerry, that thing is WAY unnecessary!

Am I off topic again? Damn. Anyway, this month I decided to take Jerry on a wade-fishing expedition down the Sasquageaweausauasha River. (Sasquageaweausauasha is the Cherokee Indian word for "bad taste"). My good friend Lyle Chivers suggested this place saying that "the smallies are tearin' it up" right now. He also claimed that the 17 mile stretch between Fishpiss Falls and Possum Scat Island is the best right now. Note: When Lyle describes distances between 1 and 50 miles, he always says 17 miles.

So Jerry and I got in the river below Fishpiss Falls as the sun crept over the horizon. We waded and fished with some success. The perch were hungry for sure. We caught several dozen ranging in size from almost microscopic to microscopic plus one.

Problems started after the first 70 feet or so. I had selected my footwear that morning based on no particular criteria at all. I wore what I refer to as "water socks". They extremely flexible shoes designed (by people much like Jerry) to be worn in the water. They suck. By the 70 foot mark of our journey the souls of these things were torn to hell by the jagged rocks in the bed of the Sasquageaweausauasha. This caused problems with the walking, which is the primary form of transportation when one is wading. Nevertheless, I continued to fish, and wade, and grimace without audible complaint. Jerry and I continued to catch miniscule perch along with a few bass varying in mouth-size.

We finally made it to Possum Scat Island and got out of the river. I figure the distnace was about 48 miles, or maybe seventeen. When I looked at the bottom of my feet, they were not pleasant. HAve you ever opened up a chirizo burrito with all the fixins? Yeah. Sort of like that.

Someone once said, "a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work." Someone else once added, "If you don't lose your soul in the process."

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Financial Status Report Projection Summary Declaration

Dear Shareholders,

Half-way through the second week of the first month of the third quarter of fiscal year 2008 seems like a good time for an update on the financial state of Crock, Inc. I know you are all wondering what is happening here. You've probably watched anxiously with baited breath as your stock sat there, unchanged, throughout the year thus far. You may have patiently waited for the signal telling you to sell off or, as NSYNC once said, buy, buy, buy. That sign has not appeared to you to this point. Although some have reported seeing the Virgin Mary in a punch-bowl, others a squash that looks like Richard Nixon, no one has witnessed any movement in their Crock, Inc. stock.

The reasons for this are many, and this update may quench your thirst for knowledge as to what-in-blue-blazes is going on right now.

First, we have struggled with some numbers. When we balance our accounts, each time we get the same result. At this point we must believe the numbers. (Forgive me if this is over your head. You may want to consult your accountant for assistance in understanding all of this jargon.) Our financial situational well-being (or not-goodness as the case may be) is derived from this simple formula:

Income - Expenses = Profit (I-E=P).

When using this formula and plugging our to-date numbers in place of the respective letters, and doing the "math", we come up with this answer: P=ZERO.

From this, we can determine that we've spent exactly the same as we've brought in.

How impossible is this?
a) Extremely Impossible
b) Sort-of Impossible
c) Not Very Impossible

If you choose "a", then you are correct. It is extremely impossible for a corporation to spend exactly, to the penny, what they take in, and it's also highly unlikely. That being said, it is barley probable that this could happen. However, we checked it twice. It's true.

This brought us to another conundrum (almost like a P.T.B.F.O.). Since the numbers seem to indicate a lack of profit, to state the obvious, we were perplexed. "Are we a non-profit corporation?", I asked. The board members said no. I said, "Well if we have no profit, then we're a non-profit corporation." This lead to days of debate. They finally convinced my that I was mistaking a "corporation-with-no-profit "for a "not-for-profit" corporation or a charitable organization.

So that is now settled. No more worries about Crock, Inc. becoming charitable. The stock should rise immediately now that this speculation is ended.

At the current pace, we can stay in business indefinitely. It would be very easy for us to simply buy one less roll of toilet paper in the next six months and turn a profit of whatever a roll of toilet paper would have cost us. I think they're like....$36.00 each or so. So shareholders, you may go boldly forth with confidence that we are prepared to take the necessary steps to shore up our perceived value and secure our future. But please note that we most likely won't cut back on toilet paper.

Thank You All,


Tuesday, June 3, 2008

A Burrito Away from Catastrophe - How One Woman Saved Monday

Please join me in thanking Janice "Boobs" Malone for her outstanding contribution to the company, her out-of-the-box thinking, and her clever use of common household items for the betterment of the work-environment.

Before I explain the thank-worthy action that Boobs selflessly executed, allow me to lay some groundwork. You see, yesterday was Monday. As you know, scientifically speaking, Monday is the longest day of the week. I think it's like 46 hours and 22 minutes long or something like that. This long day, coupled with the effects of returning from a two-day break known as a "weekend", can often times cause the atmosphere around the office to be sort of dull, ho-hum, pissy, or otherwise unbearable.

While we're coupling things, let's take the two items coupled above, after having coupled them into one, and couple that with the fact that there are so many assholes working here. In many, all this coupling can cause depression, rage, anxiety, boredom, tension, the feeling that your reason for living is gone (not to mention scurvy). But not Janice.

She had a plan. Yesterday, about 23 hours into the first Monday of the week, she executed this plan flawlessly. Everyone in the office, nay, the building got the chance to break out of that Monday rut. They were forced to drop what they were doing and stand up, stretch, and go outside for some fresh air. If the truth be known, the plan that Janice devised and acted out actually saved lives. Nerpert in the IT Department confided in me that he was about go on a machete-wielding rampage throughout the place before his psychopathic trance was broken by Janice's brilliant effort.

Here's how Janice "Boobs" Malone, Vice-President of Arts, Crafts, and Taste Bud Manipulation, saved lives, revived us all, and made the CNN news ticker:

Around lunchtime (23 o'clock pm), Janice went to the breakroom. She removed her lunch sack from the refrigerator, took out a single microwaveable burrito - bean and cheese I think. She placed the burrito on a decorative paper plate - a nice plaid pattern in shades of brown. She put the burrito/plate combo into the microwave, closed the door, and set it for 13 minutes. She then walked calmly out of the breakroom, down the hall, out the office doors- down the stairs and into the parking lot where she stood and waited. She was hardly able to contain her excitement. She did the best she could, making small-talk with Tammy Gingerale from Inspections.

It wasn't long before she realized that her plan had worked. As the door to the stairwell opened and people began pouring out, she could clearly hear the sound of the fire alarm sirens wailing. As the building occupants emptied onto the parking lot, she managed to keep her cool, asking other co-workers if they set off the alarm.

Eventually, the fire department showed up and found the culprit. The evidence was there; one severely charred, hollowed-out burrito-shaped device on a burned up plaid paper plate in shades of brown, and now black. Janice finally claimed responsibility, but she did a fine job of acting surprised and embarrassed to keep up the act.

After an hour or so, everyone was allowed to return to work, but not before the realization that they were living the most memorable Monday of their lives. Today, they are still talking about it. Knowing what I know now, I realize that her actions quite possibly saved my life and many others. Janice just smiles.

Thanks Boobs.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Have you ever Wondered Where Puppies Come From?

I have the answer!!

Puppies come from a triple-wide mobile home in Tuscon, Arizona.

I've heard there is good money in dog breeding but this is dumb.

Just my luck, I have 796 immediate office staff-members up here. I can one-stop-shop for Christmas presents.

Excuse me ma'am. Do you offer discounts for the ones with missing paws?

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Crock Will Beat Trump to the Punch (New Product Release)

ES389 New Product Status Report

We are still waiting on research data from escapability testing. This data is needed to assure compliance with H-233.420 of the Americans with Disabilities Act.

A nine year study of the effects of ES389 on pregnant women, laboratory rats, and dead pigeons concluded this week. The study suggests that ES389 has no significant negative side-effects other than loose stool, blood in urine, hives, rickets, scurvy, elephantitis of the ass, boredom, and, in the case of the dead pigeons, remaining dead (although some activity was observed and described by most as "a brief period of smoking and sizzling").

Test marketing is set to begin by week's end. We will be placing ES389 in men's restroom vending machines (right next to the Evening Magic) in and around the Jackson Hole, Wyoming metro area. The price-point for testing purposes will be 75 cents. We believe that this will give us a true cross-section of Americans and their receptiveness to ES389 in much the same way that polling Arab countries gives a true representation of the approval rating of President George W. Bush.

Once test marketing is complete we will have a better idea of where the price-point should be set and how many people we should expect to die from the use of ES389. If the death expectation numbers are low enough, then we should witness a dramatic increase in style throughout the country. (The last thing we need right now is more death in the company so we ask that all employees refrain from use until we know which of you we want to kill, and the likelihood that we will succeed).

Marketing Points: As the first truly permanent hair-sculpting system, ES389 will create it's own niche market, serving those with complex hairstyles who are tired of spending valuable time getting their hair "just right". With ES389, fix it once and forget it. Completely water-proof, almost flame-retardant, and sort of bullet proof, this product will revolutionize the hair-art industry. This is the last hair product you will ever need. Once applied, all growth will cease, all hair loss will stop, all colors will be locked, birds will not nest, insects will steer clear, and rodents will be repelled (along with friends).

The tag line chosen for ES389 is: Enhanced Style 389 - Style for Life!

Some other suggested tag lines:

Enhanced Style 389 - Hair-helmets made easy
Enhanced Style 389 - Laminate your head
Enhanced Style 389 - Style is as easy as 1-2-389
Enhanced Style 389 - Forget the Gel, get Perma-Shell
Enhanced Style 389 - No more Combs, get Perma-dome
Enhanced Style 389 - When you want your hair to turn heads

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

That Sure is a Fancy Resignation Letter There...Now Get Out!

Just a quick announcement:

Ghordo Whipple is no longer working here. He waltzed into my office yesterday, didn't even speak to Sue on the way in (somehow managing to miss the rotating knives), and handed me what he called a "rezination letter". It was a post-it note with sharpie markings that read:

1 the Lottery. not werkin no mor.

Needless to say I did not accept this resignation. I told Ghordo that it did not meet the standards of excellence that we apply to ourselves and everything we do. He agreed, so I fired him.

He didn't miss the rotating knives on the way out. Funeral arrangements are being made.

Now we may have a problem. This is the second person killed on this property in less than a week.

The good news is; there is now an opening for a new Coordinator of Sticky Removal. It's an entry-level janitorial position.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Locked in the Conference Room Again- P.T.B.F.O. 112369

Hello! Is anyone still out there? If so, could you please let us out of the conference room? Who installed these doors anyway? It must have been Tricky's Backwards Door Handle Company. This is crap!

I had Sue confiscate all cell phones before we came in here, now she's gone for the day. This conference room phone is so confusing.....WHERE ARE THE DAMN BUTTONS?? What if the building was on fire? Shouldn't there be some kind of safety features around here?

Frieda already tried the window option. Oops. You'd have thought that one of us would have remembered the elevator ride to the 43rd floor. I guess not.

Normally, we keep our cell phones with us, but today we were discussing the marketing strategy for our new Belt-fed Cat Buffer and I didn't want any interruptions. You can obviously see the importance here. The problem is, most of us have to pee. This carpet cost us $46,000 per square foot (after shipping and handling) and I'm not about to let these idiots soil it.

Luckily, we still have an Internet connection. Please help!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Job Opening No Longer Available - You Snooze, You Lose

At this time I would like to announce some personnel changes:

The position of Director of Spork and Bendy-straw Supply and Demand Monitoring has been filled. Congratulations Wynnie Shoop, on your promotion.

Since we like to promote from within (we believe in "coaching up, or coaching out") the position vacated by Wynnie will now be filled by Samuel Sams. Congrats "Sam squared" on becoming the new Regional Ambassador to Those Afflicted with Tonsillitis.

Finally, to fill Sam's vacated position, a new hire from the outside, Shiny Bitch is now the new Coordinator of the Properties of Atomic Particles in a Vacuum. We all need to help Shiny as she takes on this very important role with the company. Her job not only helps keep us at the top of our industry, but it helps assure that the laws of physics do not suddenly change and cause us all to become specks of dust in geosynchronous orbit around the hole that used to be the earth.

We Now Support The National Society of Crazies

Crock, Inc. is now a proud sponsor of the National Society for Crazies.

The NSC is a wonderful organization who strive to help those who can't behave themselves, the "Crazies". They defend the crazies from discrimination and persecution at the hands of the "Normals".

Those of you who are already members known the benefits. Being a part of this organization brings together those of us who may be considered a little "off" in the eyes of the Normals. It gives us an outlet for our unusual antics. It gives us an identity. We can now say with pride, "I AM A CRAZY!!"

Visit the NSC website for more information and to apply for membership.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Low-Hanging Chandaliers (and Other Problems Pygmies Don't Have)

I have this chandelier in my office. It was given to me by Robert Mugabe, the President of Zimbabwe in 1991 as a token of his appreciation for my contribution of clean socks to be worn by Amos Midzi, his Minister of Mines. (Amos hadn't changed socks for like three days). It is a truly magnificent addition to the decor of the office. There's just the one problem; I keep knocking myself senseless while jazzercizing my way around the room when on the phone (some people pace, I jazzercize).

Earlier today, when I bipped my forehead on the thing again, a thought occurred to me. I bet the Pygmy People never had this problem.

I intercommed Sue and had her check the database to see if we have any Pygmies working for us. I wanted to speak directly to a real live Pygmy and find out. Call it a little social experiment of my own. I have a theory that being a Pygmy has many benefits that are often overlooked in the debate about Pygmy equality. Our politicians and civil-rights leaders will never admit that Pygmies don't bump their heads on low-hanging chandeliers. They won't admit that being able to pass ones self off as a hobbit has great advantages. (Like second breakfasts). You won't hear them tell you that pygmies get most of their meals off of the kids menu and get in free to many places when they hang out with the "tall people". Plus, I've tried, I can't pull off the Sour Patch Kids routine, but I bet a Pygmy could!

Getting carded for cigarettes (most pygmies are smokers) and not being able to get on some amusement park rides can't be all that bad. They can squeeze themselves into the smallest of spaces, which is useful in rescuing rescue dogs who get stuck in small spaces where regular-sized people have gotten stuck and are in need of rescue. Also, they get to go through life with an excuse for sub-par performance , what with the tiny brains and all.

Anyway, Sue found that we have not had a Pygmy associate since records have been kept. Hopefully we are not in violation of any affirmative action laws. I may never be able to prove my theory. Who knows?

But I did find this information.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

At Our Picnic, You Get to Pick

It's company picnic season again. Not only can you choose Hot Dogs or Hamburgers, Cole Slaw or Potato Salad, to drink yourself silly or not, this year we thought we'd allow you to decide what entertainment you want at the picnic. Last year, the Juggling Bears were not a hit. I would have expected better, after all, I won their appearance in a radio contest. Who Knew?

The picnic this year will be different. You can choose from any of the wonderful entertainers currently signed to our talent management division. The appropriate choices are listed below. You may place your vote by commenting to this post or emailing me.

Salmonella and the Raisinettes
Janet Hortburn and the Steel Back Plates (Accompanied by Marthmouth the Extreme Dogsex’r)
Aged Cheddar and the Smoked Gouda Wheels
Nine Tenths of a Four Pound Midget
Peanut Butter Bob's Honey Roasted Rat Terrier Band
The Whistlepiss Comedy Revue
People with Bad Posture - A Living Sculpture
Randy the Great
The Alabama Bubble-Blowers Present: Many Varieties of Bubble Sizes
Fattie Pimpleface - Motivational Speaker
The Decapitated Kitten Family of Sesame Street
Tea Baggers United
Led Zeppelin
My Friend Clernce (That's not the name of the act, it's actually a friend of mine who's name is Clernce)
Sewage is Delicious - Advice for Recycling, Brought to you by Al Gore
Robert G. Forearm, Star of the hit Reality Series "The Prostate Examiner"
Tony Danza
The Inanimate Glob of Beef
Fish McGinty and the Worcestershire Sauce All-Stars
The Boyz From Jackson Hole Y'all
Hide and Disappear - The Invisible Dueling Magicians
The Company Picnic Destroyers
The Juggling Bears

Monday, May 5, 2008

We Will Not Negotiate with Pirates

In these crazy times we live in, I feel it necessary to repeat the long-standing Crock policy: Attention Pirates!! We will not negotiate with you. You can high jack our ships all you want. We're going to ignore you. Return from whence ye came. (Although we are intrigued by the live goats).

Yes readers, it is true. These people still exist. Check it out.
We used to think pirates were cool. "Ahoy there maties", we used to say. Now, we do not speak to them. They lost some of their mystique when they stared using speedboats and cellphones. The days of the eye-patch and peg-leg are long gone. We tend to agree with the guy in the CNN article who describes them as " "unsophisticated hoodlums" and "full of bluster and lies to make themselves look tougher than they were."
The whole pirate industry has gone to hell. It's nothing like the days when Flanksham ran things.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Fishing with the Prez, Global Destruction, and the Ball that Wasn't a Ball

You may have noticed that April came and went with no "Fishing with the PreZ" posting. The reason for this is that we did not go fishing in April. Why? Because it snowed on April 4th, the very day that we were scheduled to go.

I guess we'll chalk that up to "Global Climate Change".

If you are as observant as I think you are, as you have been trained to be, and as you MUST be as a requirement to remain employed with us, then you have undoubtedly observed the recent change-o, change-o, re-arrange-o of the terminology used to describe Global Warming. It's no longer global warming. It's now "Global Climate Change". This is done to assure that the idea of human (read as: American) destruction of the planet remains a fear in the minds of the world populous despite evidence that the planet is now as cool as it was 100 years ago.

This reminds me of the Crock, Inc. ingenious technique of marketing it's products. Like when we came out with a round object filled with air. We first called it a "Ball", but when it was proven that it would not hold air, we began calling it a "Multi-use Ball-like Air Transport and Temporary Storage Device". It could be used as a ball for a while. The consumer could fill the product with air, dribble, roll, throw, toss, or kick it from one place to the other. All the while they were actually distributing the air from inside the product, at a very slow and completely safe rate, to other locations where that particular air did not used to be.

This goes to show that I totally understand the need to rename things to avoid criticism.

I digress. Back to the subject of us ugly American humans destroying the earth. Did you here what Bob Futz of General Motors said? He said that he thinks global warming is a Crock of sh*t. Hey Bob! Thanks for the plug!

Every opinion matters (if you agree with me). Discuss amongst yourselves.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

It's the Stupid, Economy

The following is what we believe would happen if a Media Economic Expert Person (MEEP) were to interview the Economy. I think you'll find that the Economy is somewhat of a smart-ass.

MEEP: How are you?

Economy: Great!

MEEP: You're critics would say you're not doing so well.

Economy: Well, that's what critics do now isn't it?

MEEP: But they say you're headed for recession.

Economy: Look. I have to explain this to you. It's not "they" who say this. It's You. The more you say it, the harder it is for me to do my job.

MEEP: So are you saying that you're poor performance recently is because of me?

Economy: First of all, it's not poor performance. It's simply not as good as my recent awesome and spectacular performance. I AM NOT recession-ing now. If you keep saying that I am, then I might.

MEEP: Why is that?

Economy: You're an idiot. If you tell people that I'm all washed up, that I've lost my momentum or tired out, they will start behaving as if I have already died. They will freak out.

MEEP: How so?

Economy: They will curl up in their homes and sit on every dime. That does not really stimulate me. It doesn't really "move the product" if you know what I mean.

MEEP: What does stimulate you?

Economy: Stimulus.

MEEP: Are you referring to the economic stimulus tax rebate?

Economy: You bet I am. I'm so excited about this thing that I can't hardly contain myself. I'm just sitting here ready to erupt in a flurry of activity. All you need to do is not say anything. Shut your lettuce chopper and let me do my thing. If you utter one word about my positive changes being a "bubble" or call then "unsustainable", I'll spin around and fill your personal finances full of hornets and locusts. It will not be pretty.

MEEP: I don't take kindly to threats.

Economy: I don't take kindly to inflation. I wonder if an anti-inflammatory will work. Perhaps some Preparation-H?

MEEP: Since you brought it up....How's the inflation treating you?

Economy: Oh hell! If this is how we're going to operate, we might as well Jimmy Carter a call.

MEEP: Are you feeling any impact at all from the astronomical price of fuel these days?

Economy: Probably about as much as you will soon be impacted by my fist. You and your ilk have totally forgotten about the rules of supply and demand. You think that we have no choice but to reduce our demand for oil. The reality is, we need a supply increase. That's right. Sorry caribou. You are a lesser being.

MEEP: So it is your opinion that we need to open up the Alaskan Wilderness to the oil companies?

Economy: It's not a wilderness. It's a barren patch of frozen flatness with nothing but wind and migratory animals passing through. It just so happens, there's oil in them there plains! We need to get it out of there and use it. You see, I'm really all about leaving the most money possible in the hands of the general public. I want the things they need to be cheap and plentiful so they have plenty of "throw-around" cash to buy things like gargantuan TVs, portable devices that could take over the world, or the largest most obnoxious vehicles available if they so choose. That's what really makes me happy.

MEEP: Well I think we know where you stand. It was nice talking with you today.

Economy: No it wasn't.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

The Check's in the Mail...and Eleven Other Things People Say to Avoid Paying

I remember back in the early days when I had to hassle myself with everyday business tasks (back when I was working in the business instead of on the business). I used to have to pick up the phone and call the customers who were late on payments. In our business, we call this task "collections". Perhaps you've heard of it.

Looking back, I think I generally enjoyed this task. You get some real "pieces of work".

I've compiled a list of some of the excuses people had for non-payment along with my response for each.

1) The Check is in the mail.

We've all heard that one, and maybe used it a time of two ourselves. It's especially funny though when the customer is in the same building as you.

2) I suffer from a rare medical condition that has drained me financially.

I didn't know gambling and prostitutes were considered medical conditions, but that's what insurance is for.

3) I was on my way to bring you the money but I was swallowed by a whale.

Everyone knows that whales will spit humans out after a couple of days. Especially those Mid-western whales.


You get great cell service from inside a whale. Are all those Verizon Network guys in there with you?

4) I paid you once.

Oh sorry, my mistake. Shoulda caught that one.

5) My wife handles the bills and she is locked in a cage in the basement at the moment.


6) Ich verstehe Englisch nicht.


7) You people make me sick with your "always wanting paid for products or services rendered".

Ohhhhh. You are not paying to make a political statement? You hate capitalism for a living? Do they have a good benefits package?

8) Can I call you right back? My brother just found a dead cat in the crawlspace and I gotta check it for ticks.

Never mind. Just keep the money.

9) You sound like a reasonable man. Would you accept a 1933 steel penny as payment? It's worth $1400 easy.

If you give me 140000 of them, we'll call it even.

10) Dude! Is it like, before noon? It's way too early to be saying numbers and stuff.

Dude! I'll call you back when you are awake and baked.

11) You'll get your money with interest. Right now it's tied up in an investment. I've figured a way to beat the odds on scratch-off Lottery Tickets.

Awesome. How can I get in on that?

12) I've spent all my money on my research. I am very close to refining cat piss into a usable fuel source.

Awesome! How do I get in on that?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Many Complexities of HXT37

It's been many years since it's invention but we have never fully delved into the multi-faceted array of intricate and diverse diversities of the very first, the premier, and the crown jewel of all Crock, Inc. intellectual property.

HXT37* is a derivative of Hoxtex*, which doesn't exist. I know what you are going to ask; How can you make something out of nothing? Before you can understand this, you need to know a few things.

As the holder of 64 US patents on this one product, we can say for certain that this baby is ours. Flanksham actually invented, or shall I say "discovered" HXT37, but he, being the good and faithful servant that he is, let Crock, Inc. take most of the credit and all of the profits. It was either his good-and-faithful-servant-ness or the 207 page contract that he signed, which, remarkably foresightedly, foresaw that he may one day make such a discovery. Observe the follow passage from the contract:

....hitherto fore at this moment and forever from now on Dr. Becconheimer Flanksham does understand and solomnly swear to the truthfulness of the fact that, should he ever invent or discover anything at anytime in the future, and that particular anything becomes known commonly, uncommonly, or medium-commonly, as HXT37, the particular anything referenced now as HXT37 shall remain solely and fully the property of Crock, Inc. as well as all rights, benefits, and proceeds also shall property of Crock, inc. be.

Now I forgot what I was going to say. Something about HXT37 I'm sure. The problem is, there is so much that I would like to tell you, but so little that I am allowed to tell you. Sometimes I even get the two confused. I find myself rambling on and on about it when suddenly, Flanksham or Goersmithism will tap me on the shoulder and give me the look. This is when I know that I've said something classified and whoever was within earshot mysteriously "disappears".

I'm going to go ahead and stop right here. Perhaps my cohorts can fill you in a little more on the Complexities of HXT37.

*Hoxtex and HXT37 are registered trademarks of Crock, Inc. Any use, private or commercial, without a direct royalty payment to Crock, Inc. of an amount to be determined, is expressly prohibited by law, Dr. Phil, Bob Seger, Your Mom, and one of the Baldwin Brothers.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Houses: Buy One-and-a-half, Get a Half of One Free

The headline is yet another stoke of genius from Crock, Inc. This should end the housing slump once and for all. This new marketing concept not only encourages people to buy TWO houses, but it also sounds much better than "Buy one, get the second half off". Any time you can use the word "free", it's money. All we need to complete our ad is a "call to action" and a" sense of urgency".

Let's see.....what could our call to action be? How about "Be the first on your block to buy two houses at once!! Call Now!"? Will that do it?

Now for a sense of urgency. This is usually done with an expiration date or by saying something like "While Supplies Last" or "Buy it before I beat your ass". I will choose the expiration date method. I believe that our expiration date for this offer will be; One day before the end of existence, and not one day before.

Uh oh. I think I've just created a paradox.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Top Five (Three) Ways to Get Your Sell On

It doesn't matter if you're selling widgets, timeshares, mustard, tonsils, or your soul. It makes no difference if you sell in a store, door to door, or hanging upside-down under a bridge. No matter what your personal sales situation may be, if you're doing face-to-face sales and you really want to sell MORE, you will benefit from this advice.

I have sold the living piss out of everything from toilet seat-covers to Luxury yachts so I know what I'm talking about. Don't even question it. Just read and do. Here is a list of some keys to my success:

1) Look the part. You must know who you are selling to and the relationship between the buyer and the product. Then you must dress to fit. For example, used car salespeople should wear dark glasses, a gold chain, a button down shirt with the top three buttons undone, stonewashed jeans, boots, and a leather blazer. To borrow a line from the movie Anchorman.....Sixty percent of the time it works every time!! Another example; if you sell investments or annuities, wear a Big Bird costume. It almost never fails.

2) Talk the talk. While I would always encourage you to be yourself and be honest with the customer, sometimes it's nice to bend a little and be what they want you to be. This is especially true in the way you speak. If your customer seems to swear a lot, drop a couple of f-bombs for good measure. You'll gain respect. If your customer speaks with an accent, you should attempt to speak with the exact same accent. It will be a little uncomfortable at first, but you'll get used to it. Before you know it, your customer will be trying to figure out if they know you from "back home". Please please please, do not use words like "fiduciary" or "philanthropic" when selling a Popsicle to a fourth grader.

3) Walk the walk. Everyone feels sorry for someone who limps. Always act gimpy. Be consistent. Always favor the same leg and stay in character. You should hobble from the time you wake up until you go to bed....even in your own home. It must be convincing. You never know when a potential customer might be watching. You will also need a story about how this happened to you. I usually encourage people to use injury rather than disease, although this depends on what you are selling. Lawn-mower salespeople may say that their old lawnmower attacked them one day because it wasn't equipped with a certain safety just so happens that the model they sell DOES indeed have that safety feature. SOLD! If you are selling army surplus, it's a war injury. Flowers; killer bee attack...and so on. But, it would be acceptable to use diabetes as your story if you sell, let's say, blood-sugar testers.

I know these tips will probably hopefully and maybe help you sell your product to more people and create a sense of confidence in you that will stay with you long after your customers have gone elsewhere. Read them, memorize them, live them. Put your own spin on these tips and customize them for your industry. Send me your success stories or include them in your comments.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Return of an Icon

We are in the beginning stages of one of the greatest comebacks in men's fashion history, and I must admit, it was my idea. I'm talking about the moustache. That's right. I'm not sure if you have noticed it yet, but you will.

Very Soon, you will start noticing TV and Movie stars, musicians, politicians, news anchors, and other public figures sporting various sizes and shapes of these fuzzy face-dwellers. Look around you. They are more common than you would expect, more plentiful than you thought, and more abundant than they were just a year or two ago.

Now I'm not talking about the moustache-like thing sported as part of a larger facial-apparatus. Not the goatee/moustache, not the fu manchu, not the full beard with moustache. No. I'm talking about the beautiful 1971 caterpillar-of-the-upper-lip device. You know the kind. Usually displayed with a pair of large sunglasses, lenses in hues of purple or brown, the gradient tinted variety; dark on top light on the bottom (the lenses that is). The guys in the pic get it. Well, no sunglasses, but you see what I mean.
Going forward, all Crock, Inc. employees who grow one of these shall receive a $.22 per hour raise in pay while the moustache is alive and kicking. Discrimination, you say? Well ladies, you can participate as well. Some of you can simply stop the waxing or bleach treatment and call it good. Others may have to improvise. Rogaine? Maybe. Give it a shot.
Hell. Do a web search for "moustache" and witness the beauty. Keep in mind, some websites out there may actually be making fun of the moustache, not praising it. I know. It's hard to believe. I was fooled many times before I figured it out. Don't make the same mistake. If you see moustache hate-crimes in progress, please report them to me.
Also, if you have your moustache in place, please send pics.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Keyword: Accountability

Sometimes, in business, undesirable situations arise seemingly out of nowhere.

One example of this is the recent conundrum created here at headquarters with regards to plastic utensils commonly know as "sporks". It seems that most people prefer either a spoon or a fork so no one really uses them. There had been a box of these things in the break room for several years. Little did we know, the new guy in R&D uses sporks regularly (he's a big fan of cole slaw). After a month or so of his spork use, the supply in the break room ran out. He told the assistant to the HR Director that we were out of sporks. The assistant in turn told the HR director who then went to work on the process of getting more sporks. Much to her surprise, our Corporate structure did not assign this task to anyone. There is NO ONE IN CHARGE OF SPORKS!!

Should we, as founders of the company have been able to foresee the need for assignment of this responsibility? How did the original box of sporks get there...and shouldn't whoever put it there be the one to replace it? Or should the person who used the last spork have to replace the box?

Quite a Pickle.

I pondered for many seconds about the dilemma. I thought about stopping this writing here and making it a P.T.B.F.O. (see prior posts) but then, it hit me! I recalled a term from my days as a rank-and-file nine-to-five working stiff. "Accountability". You must define the roles and responsibilities of each employee. You must give them the tools to live up to those responsibilities. And you must hold them accountable when they do not live up to them.

This lead me to the decision which I decided when I thought about trying to chose one of many (or two of a few) solutions to the problem regarding the aforementioned sporks. I created a new position.

At this time I would like to announce an opening for the position of Director of Spork and Bendy-straw Supply and Demand Monitoring (I added bendy-straws in there because I love the damn things). We seek to promote from within. The position will report directly to the Vice President of Minor Disaster Avoidance. The VP of MDA will now have the added role and responsibility of ordering more Sporks and Bendy-straws when needed.

Please send resumes and reference letters (use the proper template please) to:

Director of Spork and Bendy-straw Supply and Demand Monitoring
c/o Crock, Inc.
921 Director of Spork and Bendy-straw Supply and Demand Monitoring Drive
Pork, NH 20010

....or simply email to me

Friday, March 28, 2008

File Under "Speechless"

...and "Useless".

How to Draw a Hexagon.

Follow the link and read the article, but also be sure to click the "discuss" button and read the comments. You will see that we have people assinged to this one. Good work team!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Reason for the Purpose of the Mission

I just dropped in to see what condition our mission was in.

I check in on the Guidance Coordinator from time to time. He's the guy who coordinates the lady who guides the guy who is in charge of making sure we, as a company, stay on track, focused on our goals, and are true to our core values.

This years mission was: Continue to Build Upon Last Year's Mission. Last years mission was: Come up with a Better Mission for Next Year.

I'm told we're on track. That feels good.

I mentioned our Core Values. I think this would be a good time to review those. Here they are:

Honesty: Commitment to the Truth. We tell you right up front that we can't be trusted, that we're making it up as we go. We let you know that nothing we say is true or has any point to it, or, if it does, we make sure it is so ridiculous that you don't care anymore.

Integrity: Doing the Right Thing. Like not stealing purses from old ladies, which we haven't done for months now.

Trust: but verify. Even if it means asking things like; "Are you sure you scaled the Washington Monument?" or "Why does your green card have typos?"

Character: You will meet a lot of these around here.

Respect: (I forget what this means. I think it's something to do with not making fun of ugly people or midgets)

Humility: Remembering that there is more for us to do as a company than just be the best ever at everything in the universe. (Like what? Examples please?)

Caring/Fairness: Justice tempered with Compassion. We know when to terminate employment and when to stage a "tragic accident".

Diversity: Embrace Differences, as long as there are not too many of them.

Openness: Encourage dialogue and reflective thought. (This does not mean that I will disclose my salary to you).

Empowerment: Authority to Make Decisions. I have it. You don't. Na Na ne Na Na!

Personal Mastery: Have you mastered yourself lately?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Camelids? Sorry. Too Dangerous.

While we remain very proud of our associates who have the courage to overcome their lack of sight each and every day, we must form a policy now before this particular situation gets any worse.

You are undoubtedly familiar with our policy on guide dogs in the workplace. This policy will remain unchanged until someone is maimed by one of these gentle creatures. However, effective today, we will not allow seeing eye Llamas or Guide Alpacas on Crock, Inc. Property. These beasts are unpredictable at best. Last week a Llama ate Lyle's pleather interior out of his Buick. (I guess he still hasn't gotten the power windows fixed). Beatrice had her cane gnawed in two by an alpaca Tuesday. Perhaps worst of all, Flanksham finally surfaced and walked in on Wednesday and a llama spit some junk in his eye. He was promptly taken away by med-evac and has not been heard from since. This has to stop or someone could be killed.

The ban is immediate and applies to all New World Camelids. Not only Llamas and Alpacas, although these are the worst offenders, but guanacos, and vicunas are banned as well. The reasons are obvious. Click here.

Camels are acceptable. (That last sentence has never been written before, anywhere, ever).

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Marketing Team Meeting Agenda

I told you in an earlier post about a shake-up coming in the marketing department. I thought I'd share it with you now.

Larry, our Director of Marketing accidentally copied me in on his email to the "third-tier subordinate nobodies with the word manager in their title" (as I like to call them). Right now he has no idea that he made this mistake. I'm publishing it here so you will know exactly why you don't see Larry at the team meeting in the morning. This has done him in (along with not thinking of the moon as an ad medium).

10:00-ish Kick-off
- Get Coffee
- Get Bagel
- Drink Coffee and Eat Bagel
- Get more Coffee
- Check MySpace for new Bulletins

10:30 Goals for the Meeting
- Make sure the "big wigs" think we're busy and understaffed
- Figure out how to "expense" Guitar hero for the breakroom
- Decide where to go for Lunch
- Decide where to go for Happy Hour

11:00 Productivity (Ways to make the big wigs think we're under staffed)
1) Read Crock, Inc. with a very concerned and contemplative look on your face
2) Make sure your desks are messy
3) Call your fellow team-members (that's two people on the phone, and two lines busied out)
4) Sweat a lot.
5) Tell the big wigs "We're under staffed"

11:15 Recreation (How do we expense "Guitar Hero"?)
Plan A- Have Javier Sweet-talk Janet into giving us the key to Petty cash
Plan B- See if the guy at Game Stop will give us a receipt for paperclips instead

11:20 Break
- Get more Coffee
- Beam each other ringtones
- Smoke 'em if ya got 'em

11:59 Desicion Time (Where do we go to lunch?)
- The Lounge, seems the only logical choice

12:00 Lunch at The Lounge
- Finish meeting at lunch by deciding to remain at The Lounge for Happy Hour.

Next Meeting - Tomorrow @ 10:00-ish

Friday, March 14, 2008

Fishing with the Prez - Part 1

Each month, I choose the staff member who, in my opinion, has made the greatest positive impact on the company. It may be someone who has gone the extra mile, someone who had a great idea, someone who has improved upon a procedure, taken on extra responsibilities, or brought in doughnuts most frequently. The lucky winner gets to go on an all-day fishing trip with me.

This month I chose Blick Das Fensterwield (Supervisor of Curtains, Shades, Blinds, and Other Window Treatments*). Blick accomplished an extraordinary feat in the past month that "Blew my Mind". He rolled a company vehicle six times and walked away, unscathed. But wait! That's not the best part.....he manged to get an on-the spot out-of-court cash settlement from the guy who's lawn the vehicle landed in. Apparently, this guys lawn was encroaching upon an easement in violation of a city ordinance and he didn't want to get to police involved (in other words, his lawn was not supposed to be there). Blick was driving a company vehicle so obviously the company took the $14 million payoff.

Anyway, it was dawn on the lake when we eased my boat away from the launch ramp and headed out to relax, make idle chit-chat, and perhaps catch some fish. We motored across the lake to one of my favorite spots. I killed the motor and we coasted into a serene cove where a small feeder creek trickled in. The lake was glass. The air was crisp. I looked at Blick. Suddenly, before either of us had said a word, his pocket chirped, then beeped, and then played a few bars of "We Will Rock You" by Queen. He ignored it.

I looked at him and said, "What does all of that nonsense signify?"

He said, "I just received a text message and an email, and my Mom tried to call, but I didn't answer."

I said, "You set your Mom's ringtone as 'We will Rock You'?"

He said, "Yeah. Why not?"

I said, "Nevermind that. Am I paying for your phone?"

He said, "You reimburse me when I turn in the bill."

"So your Mom can call you?", I asked.

"Well", he stammered, "Not really.

"What does that mean?", I asked.

"Well," he replied. "You actually pay for it so that you can call me and I can call you."

I thought for a moment in silence, pissed that he may be right, and even pissed-er (more pissed)at this modern device. Then, another beep and two chirps from the pocket of Blick. "What now?" I asked.

"What? Oh that!", he said. "An email and two text messages."

Frustrated, I asked, "Were they all from me?"

"Well of course not!", Blick replied.

"Then give me your phone!", I demanded.

He did. It sailed about forty feet through the air and plopped into the lake.

"Hope it can swim too!", I said, rather proud of myself.

Blick had a slight mental breakdown and I had to subdue him. We didn't fish. We went home.

*Blick's Title may be confusing. I didn't want you to think that Crock, Inc. makes, sells, or repairs any kind of window treatments. We have nothing to do with them except for using them to...well...treat our windows, which is what Blick supervises.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Keeping Your Job While Your Co-workers Get the Axe

As the media continues to pound negative economic news into the minds of the masses, there will undoubtedly be some impact on the reality of the job market, the stock market, and the economy in general. The fact is, it's already started to show itself. It won't be long and the whole "Corporate Downsizing" theme will hit the news again, or the "Outsourcing of Jobs" topic shows up in the headlines again. As an executive of a major false corporation, I can't express to you how sick it all makes me. What I can do, is offer you some advice that may help you remain employed when your company starts to cut or move jobs. I will now cast my analysis upon an article on job security. This is my public service duty for the year, so enjoy. (Items in italics are from the article).

Step 1:Examine the requirements and qualifications of your current job.

If your job can be done by a high school student or an animal, you may be in trouble (unless you are a high school student or an animal). I know there are some very smart monkeys out there but you, as an adult human, are going to need some kind of a skill if you want to keep your job. Juggling, burping the alphabet, and solving a Rubik's Cube with your toes are not really marketable skills.

Step 2:Check the education requirements of the current job.

Did you graduate High School? Actually, that does not matter as much as if you can read or write, or comprehend simple instructions. Most jobs will not allow you to remain employed if you are not able to perform the task assigned. If your supervisor tells you to but tab A into slot B for eight hours every day, you will be lucky if you're still employed after asking him to repeat the instructions for the twelfth time. However, if you are one of those people, and you can hang in there long enough, new legislation may make it impossible for your employer to fire you. You could get your prosthetic arm stuck in the press every five minutes and you'd still be entitled to your job. Soon, it will be against the law to discriminate against stupidity. Good luck to you.

Step 3:Ask your supervisor about extra assignments or duties that you can do. Putting forth extra effort in the current job will help you develop a reputation as a person who is willing to go the extra mile.

So true. Brown-nose hard! Get right in there and ask if they need some shoes shined, laundry done, yards mowed, etc. Polish their balls. Give it your all, they'll love you. Really.

Step 4:Display a positive attitude.

Smile once in a while. It never killed anyone (smile as if to proclaim "I've never killed anyone"). When someone asks you how it's going, tell them in a positive manner. Don't grumble and complain or kick them in the crotch. Chances are they didn't really care anyway, they just asked to be nice. If you're negative, they will move on and not think of you again. If you're happy and upbeat, they will remember (or think you're loony). They will want to hang out with you (or hang you). Also remember to whistle all the time. Constantly. There are plenty of songs to whistle that will boost your moral (and make those you work with want to dump your body in the nearest river). Try the theme to the Andy Griffith Show, or Otis Redding's Dock of the Bay, or even Patience by Guns n' Roses.

Step 5:Offer to take a salary cut if the company is cutting back or experiencing a severe budget crisis.

Walk right up to the office and demand a pay cut. Ask them if it would be possible to work for without pay two days a week. That'll really get 'em loving you. It may get you reduced to a two day work week also. Dude! Sweet! If you get fired after this one, I can no longer be of assistance to you.

Step 6:Stay late, and put in extra effort where needed.

Work your two day week, but stay late both days. Hell, arrive early too. Show them your commitment to the company and the job.

Step 7:Connect with the co-workers and management by participating in activities outside of the job.

Consider having everyone over to your place, at your own expense. Set the bar high and set it early. Start drinking before the guests arrive and really pound 'em down. Be sure you are good and "crocked" by the time everyone arrives so that they see what kind of a party it's going to be. Throwing up wouldn't hurt either. Especially if you could get a little on the shoes of the bosses wife. This is a great ice-breaker and it will be talked about for weeks to come.

You're welcome in advance.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Advertising on the Moon?

This is what I'm talking about. I want to know who these guys use for an Ad Agency. I also want to know why our guys didn't come up with this. (Actually, I have an idea why but more on that later).

Imagine looking up at the moon and seeing the Rolling Rock logo. Can they do that? Let's not "mis-underestimate" them. At the very least let's have a plan in place to get a letter "C" in front of the word "rock".

We also need to start thinking outside the box about other advertising methods. The fact that this one slipped through does not bode well for the folks down in marketing.

Perhaps they are in need of a little beef. Or maybe we need to take a look at our hiring procedures. Our philosophy has always been "we'll take the people that no one else wants". It gives us a sense of security in that they can't really get another job anywhere else, therefore, reducing our turnover and strain on the training and HR departments. That still seems like a sound policy.

I'm just thinking out loud here, but maybe we need to start looking for some actual qualifications. I suggest we start hiring people who fit our pre-defined profile. I think our ideal candidate for a position in our marketing department would be someone with large ears (listening is so very important). The candidate should be a "dog person" who likes lima beans and is in favor of dentists. They should love peotry and long walks on the beach at sunset. A marketing degree is a plus, but not necessary (we can get any degree we need on Ebay). This position really requires someone who's eyes are too close together and who has mild dandruff. The person should have slender fingers and a fake tan (the reasons for this are obvious). If you know anyone who fits this profile, please send them our way.

If you can think of any other criteria that we should consider, let me know that as well. Stay tuned for information on the shake-up in the Marketing Department. There will be big news on this subject coming soon.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

P.T.B.F.O. # 112368

Predicament To Be Figured Out -

Ladies and Gentlemen of Crock, Inc., we have another problem. Flanksham appears to be missing. All I can tell you is, he was very upset about the Yeti post and he has not been heard from since.

His last transmission to me was this noteworthy quote:

"Each cigarette takes 17 minutes off your life, each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life. If you smoke and eat bacon fast enough you can go back in time. Yes you heard it right, time travel is possible."

I can't imagine what could have happened for him to allow thoughts like these to enter his mind. But wait! You don't think......?

Oh no! Call every Bacon Bar in the City!! Get me the Commissioner of Pork Production on the line. Find me the closest place that serves bacon and is not under some kind of marshall smoking law. That's where we'll find FlankSham (actually, he quit smoking but for the purposes of this post, he started back up again). Unless......'s too late. We can't give up.

We need to be vigilant and pool our resources. In efforts to expedite the safe return of our valued associate, please follow the Search and Rescue (SAR) protocol set forth below:

1) Look around
2) If you see FlankSham, skip to step 4
3) If you don't see FlankSham, try again later
4) Do not approach him. Make a note of the place and time of the sighting.
5) When you return to you home, office, or jail cell, fill out a SAR 44C form with all of the relevant information.
6) Make nine copies of the form.
7) Mail each copy to yourself in separate envelopes. (The postmark will be used for verification purposes)
8) When you receive the envelopes, file seven of them for your records.
9) Place one of the envelopes, un-opened, into a larger envelope of a different color and mail it to our headquarters.
10) Open the final envelope and read it to remind yourself of the sighting. Have the copy notorized and fax it to your regional Crock Branch Office(check local listings).
11) Stay right where you are and wait for a phone call. (It won't be us, but eventually you'll probably get one)

Things to rememeber: Flanksham may indeed be attempting to prove his time travel thoery. You may have seen him in the past and not known that it is actually the present FlankSham on his journey backwards through time. You'll need to follow the procedure above for past sightings as well.

Side Note: Although Flanksham exists, and has for many years, it's interesting to me that a Google search returns no results. Either Google is broken, or Mr. Becconheimer FlankSham is an expert at stealth operations. He's avoided the long arm of Google for pete's sake! Our task could be arduous.