H1N1- There's not much time. Please Panic Quickly.

Please remain hysterical! The H1N1 virus will surely kill you this winter. Our advice: start looting right now! (Actually, you should probably contact our legal department. We have arranged for each and every employee to receive a free will and testament to insure that your legacy does not end up being divided by the state. Instead, it will go directly to the hands of the only people who have the ability to spend it responsibly, Crock ,Inc.)

If you would like to prolong your certain death you can try washing your hands every 2 1/2 minutes, wear a breathing mask, and never ever leaving your house. Myself, I can't figure out why anyone would want to prolong it. Once this first wave of swine flu makes its rounds, civilization as we know it will cease to exist....and that's the good news.

The bad news is, even if you don't have the swine flu, you do have the swine flu. If your doctor tests you for something that is not the swine flu, and it comes back positive, then you probably have the swine flu. It's hopeless, really.

I read an article in the Arnold-Imperial Leader (a Missouri newspaper) with the headline; Two students from Windsor reported to have swine flu. Obviously, the headline is enough. There is no need to read the actual story, especially not the second paragraph where it states the the doctor did not actually test these kids for the H1N1 virus, but they tested positive for Influenza Type A. "But", the article said, "It is most likely that theses kids have swine flu because its too early for the regular flu."

Isn't that precious? We use this type of thinking quite often here at Crock, Inc. Like when we receive a complaint about our products or services. We tell the complainers that we'll get to the bottom of it. Then we ask a satisfied customer if they have ever experienced the same problem. As you might guess, they usually answer "no". Then we call the complaining bitch/moaner back and tell them that we checked into it and it appears that there is no problem whatsoever because we tested another customer and they are fine. We tell them to grab another bag of Cheetos and sit there in their own filth and try to figure out how to bother someone else with their incessant whining. "Don't ever call us again", we say. "Let not the word Crock pass through your lips again in this life. Pull your blinds tight lest the outside world see your shame in the light of day. Do not leave your house of unsanitary bliss. That should keep you healthy for a while longer. But of course you are doomed anyway."

Our official policy on the swine flu pandemic is as follows: Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

Please refrain from taking measures to reduce the spread of this virus so that we will all become stronger unless we are dead. And by all means, Panic quickly.

Thank You.

Guns: Great for Killing People, But Do They Have Other Uses?

Surprisingly, the answer is "YES".


While we all know that the main purpose of a gun is to kill people, there are some other uses that may not come easily to mind when the subject (of guns, or killing people) arises at the water cooler. In the interest of saving lives, I would like to pass along some of these uses.


Among the secondary purposes for firearms, I am the most partial to "Brandishing". In case you are not familiar with the term, brandishing in the sense used here, is when a firearm is handled in a conspicuous manor, allowing all within eyesight to know of it's presence and subsequently feel intimidation as intended. Generally, when this technique is used, the gun's primary use becomes unnecessary. Sometimes, you may need to add a verbal compliment to brandishing activity in order to obtain the full effect. I suggest shouting phrases like; "Everyone down on the floor now or I'll remind you what this thing is for!", or " I'm not sure if you are aware but this is a gun and it's normally used to kill people!"(actually, the second one saves a step due to the fact that you have in fact already reminded them what a gun is for).

Another oft overlooked use for a gun is "pistol whipping". This is an activity akin to "bitch-slapping" where the gun is held in hand whilst that hand is wreaking havoc upon a persons face, head, neck, ribcage, and/or back. Believe it or not, this works with a rifle or shotgun as well. Normally, the victim of a "pistol-whippin'" will fall to the ground immediately (sometimes they will say "ouch dude!") and killing them will not be necessary.

Although there are many more uses for guns, I will offer this final activity; paperweighting. I prefer the 45 caliber handgun for this. It will certainly hold the papers in place under most circumstances and it is small enough to allow you to see the papers underneath. This is actually a dual-purpose purpose for a gun. While the gun is holding your important documents firmly on your desk amidst the relentless ceiling-fan-force gale, it is also being brandished. Believe me, every visitor to your office will notice the weapon and, in most cases, they won't make you kill them with it. Granted, there will be the occasional curious soul who asks, "Is that real?". When this happens, try adding the verbal compliments suggested above. If that fails to satisfy the curiosity, I suggest moving immediately to pistol-whipping.

I hope this article has given you some things to think about. Perhaps you can even come up with your own ways to use your gun that does not require killing people. If I've saved one life by writing this, it was well worth the effort. If I've saved three lives, I'm money ahead. If I've saved more than three lives, well, then I will erect a monument to myself right next to the other monument to me in the front lawn of the HZ. (Stay tuned to this blog if you don't know what HZ means). Please, don't send me ideas like; hunting, or target practice. These activities fell out of favor around the time of the great east-coast-rappers vs. west-coast-rappers war that claimed the lives of Tupac and Biggie.

Additions to Company Policy Regarding Wii Play

As you should know, company policy prohibits the use of Wii gaming systems and related accessories while smoking on company property. If you did not know that, please review your employee handbook, page 19177 under the heading; Things we don't allow you to do while smoking on company property.

Another Wii-related policy can be found on Page 1475 under the heading; Things you are allowed to do on company property. As you will see, beginning on this page, there is a list of everything you are allowed to do on Crock, Inc. property. Playing the Wii is not listed here. Neither is "not playing the Wii". That presents a conundrum. If you are allowed to play the wii, but yet you are not allowed to not play the wii, what is the deal with that?

We've chosen to completely ignore this contradiction and add an addendum to the back of your handbook that reads;

"If you play the Wii on company property, smoking or not, you are in violation of, and in compliance with company policy. Please make sure you wear the wrist safety strap."

Accountant Eaten by Spreadsheet!!

I tried to warn him but he wouldn't listen. I told him that I make a mean spreadsheet. He insisted that the only way he could prepare my taxes this year was for me to send him the information in a spreadsheet.

Now, he's gone forever. Taken by the meanest spreadsheet ever created. As we mourn the loss of our corporate accountant, Wendell C. Ventriliquismith, we remember the good times. We recall how his face used to light up when he talked about numbers. We remember how he used to run out of his office at 12:01am April 16th and down a gallon of Chivas Regal, bust the bottle over his head and pass out for six weeks. We're gonna miss that.

Now, for what got him. It was a thing of beauty. 134657 rows. 27842 columns. Color coded. Massive overlapping formulas and interlocking tables. Hidden data. Elaborate marcos with thought translation which enabled the user to think of data and it would instantly appear in the proper fields. I embedded an application that doubles as an electric razor and another that seizes the building environmental control system and matches the weather inside with the weather outside (it rained in Wendell's office yesterday). I even included an earth-friendly feature that turns Carbon Dioxide into bubblegum for the kids. It made time travel possible. My favorite was the formatting of the cells in row 90443. That's the one where dollar signs look like little snakes that whistle the tune of "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran. But that's not what got our buddy Wendell. Apparently he tried to copy and paste within the spreadsheet, which is a big no-no. It briefly altered the fabric of space and time, creating a tiny tear in the universe just long enough to vacuum poor Wendell from his ergonomically-designed accounting chair and into the void forever.

While we're saddened by the parting of our wonderful bean-counter, we cannot prove that he is actually dead and he was volunteering to do my taxes so this is not considered a work-related death. Therefore we do not have to reset the "Days Without a Work-related Death" scoreboard. It will remain at 21. If we make it through today, it will be a new company record of 22 consecutive days without a work-related death. Congratulations everyone!

BTW - we now have an opening in the accounting department.

Frequent Urination Will Not Be Tolerated

Sue,

You have been leaving your desk four times per day for the past three days. Half way through day number 2, I started watching (stalking) you. You leave your desk and walk down the hall into the ladies room. You remain inside for between 2 minutes and 13 seconds to 3 minutes and 54 seconds. You then exit the ladies room and return to your desk.

I think you see where I'm going with this. I can only imagine what you are doing in there. I suspect you are urinating. I also suspect that sometimes you fail to wash your hands. You disgust me. Sicko! You are wasting over 12 minutes per day of the company's time. How could you be so irresponsible? You are a dirty thief and filthy liar. While you dilly dally on the pot for an hour per week, the rest of your department remains at their desk. They only leave for mandatory breaks, lunch, and a ten minute smoke break every hour. When they feel like leaving their desks in between, they instead play solitaire or minesweeper or surf inappropriate material on the web or make personal phone calls.

If you value your job, you will take up smoking or find other, less-obvious ways to waste company time. This is your only warning. Get with the program. There is no room in this company for lazy cancerous festering disrespectful careless oozing derelict poopie pants like you.

Also, it's your turn to restock the bacon dispenser. Don't even think about bring the turkey kind again....and please, for the love of all that is good and holy, wash your hands!

Love,

Management

Introducing the New Coordinator of Sticky Removal

Perhaps you will recall the job opening created a while back after Ghordo Whipple successfully navigated his way into my office without an appointment, but did not have as much success on the way out. If you don't remember, please review.

Finally, after hundreds of interviews, we have found our man. He possesses the exact skill set we were seeking in a replacement for Ghordo. He's reserved and a little creepy. He has the comb-over and a mustache. The lenses of his glasses are at least as thick as his eyebrows. His skin is shiny and he smells like pastrami and beer. He is a self-starter who is able to work unsupervised (although probably shouldn't). He is an accomplished trash sorter and a very talented broomsman.

Please join me in welcoming Mr. Reavis Cantalou, our new Coordinator of Sticky Removal. The Janitorial staff is now complete once again. I look forward to complete sticky abatement within the next week to ten days.

To Whom It May Concrock

This is a warning:

The Archives have been opened!

After 18 years of being sealed tightly and locked (and buried) in multiple secret confidential locations unknown to everyone (even me), the original founding documents have been released (to me and only me, not you, not your Dad, not the media, but just me). I, and I alone have the documents and you will not be able to see them unless I let you. No amount of clearance waivers, security release forms, licenses, forcible sodomy, or water torture will gain you access to these things.

Having stated the above, and having made it abundantly clear to those who are able to read, as well as having been directly and straight-forwardly obvious as to the nature of the lack of any procedure to access the aforementioned documents by anyone other than myself, I will now describe to you my purposeful, deliberate, and intentional intentions for the trickle-down method of slowly leaking, or trickling, the information contained in said documents down to you, the general workforce and personnel units.

First, you will have to visit this site again later because I'm not going to share, or trickle, much of anything useful (there is nothing useful anyway) at this point. Note: SUBSCRIBING to this site is a great way to keep tabs on breaking, or trickling, information and changes to the site. It's very simple, the links are to the right, use them. It's idiot proof in most languages. Although English sometimes presents a challenge for us.

Secondly, the information contained in the documents may be presented in it's original form or not. For example: the title of the post may be the original document name, or, contrarily, conversely, and maybe even convexly squeezed into posts on other topics. Those cognizant of this will find the founding documents pertinent to all topics by virtue of their unimportance and dis-relationship to everything important. When used in the later manner, the documents will be sited as reference material for proving fiction to be false (which makes it true fiction, as previously discussed).

So, subscribe and stay tuned for excerpts or publication of documents such as:

The Mistake
The Origin of Broke
225 Horses are Bound to Kick Something
The Great Amoeba Controversy
CLOCKS and Other Miscellaneous Items of Question
File #23: Shackleford
File #72: Flabbershack and Co.
The Anatomy of a Lint Ball
--Countless P.T.B.F.O.s---
...and much more.

Fonk, Chisel, Chainsaw

It's time for Gesture Lessons. I would like to see these put to use in our daily interactions throughout the company. I believe they will enhance our career experience and boost moral. The following gestures, complete with names and instructions on how to properly execute them, are something that I learned from co-workers as I came up through the ranks of the company. It seems we have gotten away from these over the years. Let's bring 'em back.

First, we have the "Fonk". The name of this gesture is meant to simulate the sound of a hammer or other blunt object striking something (more like someone). To perform this gesture simply make a fist, straighten your elbow and keep your arm stiff. (Don't forget to retain the fist. I know it's a lot to remember.) You are now ready to deploy the Fonk. Raise your arm (while retaining the fist, arm stiff) and bring it down swiftly onto a co-worker's head. (You don't have to use extreme or deadly force, just use enough to keep the element of surprise). The instant your fist contacts the victim's head (this is key) say the word "Fonk" loudly and proudly. You can experiment with the tone and delivery. We used to get creative. My fave was "Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-FONK!"

Next up; "Chisel". This one is named after the tool often used in woodworking and other manual shop-class-type tasks. The Chisel gesture is similar to the Fonk in the respect that the hand is in the fist position. The arm however, is bent at the elbow. To deploy the Chisel, drive the bent elbow into the victim's ribs and use the free hand to "hammer" on the fist of the bent arm while retaining your-elbow-to-victim's-rib contact. Imagine your elbow as the chisel blade and your fist as the head of the chisel. Your free hand is the hammer driving the blade home. Once again, the goal is not to hurt the victim but just to catch them off-guard and make them uncomfortable. You're not busting concrete blocks here. The vocalization of the chisel begins when contact is made. You're gong to use the word "Chisel" but the inflection of this one is important. You must use a falsetto voice and draw out the word. If only you could here me when I say "chiiiizzzzzellll".

Lastly, the "Chainsaw". This is named after a dog I had when I was six. Not really. It's named after a chainsaw of course. The arm position on this one is the same as the "Fonk". The delivery is different however. Get the arm in position with the straight elbow. Instead of a fist, use an open hand, like a karate-chop. Now, imagine you arm is actually a chainsaw. You need to start it up to make it work. Use your other arm (assuming you have one) to make the motions of pull-starting. Add a few sound-effects for authenticity. To my knowledge, there is no chainsaw that starts on the first pull. Be sure yours takes two or three pulls before starting. Once it "starts" your ready to deploy. On the final imaginary pull of the rope, the one that actually starts the imaginary motor, you'll need your best chainsaw sound to be coming out of your mouth (assuming you have one) full force while simultaneously raising the arm and placing the side of your open-hand-chainsaw-blade on some part of the victim's body. Apply moderate pressure and hold it on the victim while continuing to simulate the sound of a revved-up chainsaw.

So there you have it. Some fun and fantastic gestures that you probably never would have discovered on your own. I believe you will find these useful when directed at someone who has just insulted you, someone who has just said something stupid, or someone who is just stupid. Practice these on your friends and family for a few days, then bring them to work with you. I will expecting to see these in action by Monday.

Enjoy.

Financial Status Report Projection Summary Declaration

Dear Shareholders,

Half-way through the second week of the first month of the third quarter of fiscal year 2008 seems like a good time for an update on the financial state of Crock, Inc. I know you are all wondering what is happening here. You've probably watched anxiously with baited breath as your stock sat there, unchanged, throughout the year thus far. You may have patiently waited for the signal telling you to sell off or, as NSYNC once said, buy, buy, buy. That sign has not appeared to you to this point. Although some have reported seeing the Virgin Mary in a punch-bowl, others a squash that looks like Richard Nixon, no one has witnessed any movement in their Crock, Inc. stock.

The reasons for this are many, and this update may quench your thirst for knowledge as to what-in-blue-blazes is going on right now.

First, we have struggled with some numbers. When we balance our accounts, each time we get the same result. At this point we must believe the numbers. (Forgive me if this is over your head. You may want to consult your accountant for assistance in understanding all of this jargon.) Our financial situational well-being (or not-goodness as the case may be) is derived from this simple formula:

Income - Expenses = Profit (I-E=P).

When using this formula and plugging our to-date numbers in place of the respective letters, and doing the "math", we come up with this answer: P=ZERO.

From this, we can determine that we've spent exactly the same as we've brought in.

How impossible is this?
a) Extremely Impossible
b) Sort-of Impossible
c) Not Very Impossible

If you choose "a", then you are correct. It is extremely impossible for a corporation to spend exactly, to the penny, what they take in, and it's also highly unlikely. That being said, it is barley probable that this could happen. However, we checked it twice. It's true.

This brought us to another conundrum (almost like a P.T.B.F.O.). Since the numbers seem to indicate a lack of profit, to state the obvious, we were perplexed. "Are we a non-profit corporation?", I asked. The board members said no. I said, "Well if we have no profit, then we're a non-profit corporation." This lead to days of debate. They finally convinced my that I was mistaking a "corporation-with-no-profit "for a "not-for-profit" corporation or a charitable organization.

So that is now settled. No more worries about Crock, Inc. becoming charitable. The stock should rise immediately now that this speculation is ended.

At the current pace, we can stay in business indefinitely. It would be very easy for us to simply buy one less roll of toilet paper in the next six months and turn a profit of whatever a roll of toilet paper would have cost us. I think they're like....$36.00 each or so. So shareholders, you may go boldly forth with confidence that we are prepared to take the necessary steps to shore up our perceived value and secure our future. But please note that we most likely won't cut back on toilet paper.

Thank You All,

Prez

At Our Picnic, You Get to Pick

It's company picnic season again. Not only can you choose Hot Dogs or Hamburgers, Cole Slaw or Potato Salad, to drink yourself silly or not, this year we thought we'd allow you to decide what entertainment you want at the picnic. Last year, the Juggling Bears were not a hit. I would have expected better, after all, I won their appearance in a radio contest. Who Knew?

The picnic this year will be different. You can choose from any of the wonderful entertainers currently signed to our talent management division. The appropriate choices are listed below. You may place your vote by commenting to this post or emailing me.

Salmonella and the Raisinettes
Janet Hortburn and the Steel Back Plates (Accompanied by Marthmouth the Extreme Dogsex’r)
Aged Cheddar and the Smoked Gouda Wheels
Nine Tenths of a Four Pound Midget
Peanut Butter Bob's Honey Roasted Rat Terrier Band
The Whistlepiss Comedy Revue
People with Bad Posture - A Living Sculpture
Randy the Great
The Alabama Bubble-Blowers Present: Many Varieties of Bubble Sizes
Fattie Pimpleface - Motivational Speaker
The Decapitated Kitten Family of Sesame Street
Tea Baggers United
Led Zeppelin
My Friend Clernce (That's not the name of the act, it's actually a friend of mine who's name is Clernce)
Sewage is Delicious - Advice for Recycling, Brought to you by Al Gore
Robert G. Forearm, Star of the hit Reality Series "The Prostate Examiner"
Tony Danza
The Inanimate Glob of Beef
Fish McGinty and the Worcestershire Sauce All-Stars
The Boyz From Jackson Hole Y'all
Hide and Disappear - The Invisible Dueling Magicians
The Company Picnic Destroyers
The Juggling Bears

Return of an Icon

We are in the beginning stages of one of the greatest comebacks in men's fashion history, and I must admit, it was my idea. I'm talking about the moustache. That's right. I'm not sure if you have noticed it yet, but you will.

Very Soon, you will start noticing TV and Movie stars, musicians, politicians, news anchors, and other public figures sporting various sizes and shapes of these fuzzy face-dwellers. Look around you. They are more common than you would expect, more plentiful than you thought, and more abundant than they were just a year or two ago.

Now I'm not talking about the moustache-like thing sported as part of a larger facial-apparatus. Not the goatee/moustache, not the fu manchu, not the full beard with moustache. No. I'm talking about the beautiful 1971 caterpillar-of-the-upper-lip device. You know the kind. Usually displayed with a pair of large sunglasses, lenses in hues of purple or brown, the gradient tinted variety; dark on top light on the bottom (the lenses that is). The guys in the pic get it. Well, no sunglasses, but you see what I mean.

Going forward, all Crock, Inc. employees who grow one of these shall receive a $.22 per hour raise in pay while the moustache is alive and kicking. Discrimination, you say? Well ladies, you can participate as well. Some of you can simply stop the waxing or bleach treatment and call it good. Others may have to improvise. Rogaine? Maybe. Give it a shot.

Hell. Do a web search for "moustache" and witness the beauty. Keep in mind, some websites out there may actually be making fun of the moustache, not praising it. I know. It's hard to believe. I was fooled many times before I figured it out. Don't make the same mistake. If you see moustache hate-crimes in progress, please report them to me.

Also, if you have your moustache in place, please send pics.

Camelids? Sorry. Too Dangerous.

While we remain very proud of our associates who have the courage to overcome their lack of sight each and every day, we must form a policy now before this particular situation gets any worse.

You are undoubtedly familiar with our policy on guide dogs in the workplace. This policy will remain unchanged until someone is maimed by one of these gentle creatures. However, effective today, we will not allow seeing eye Llamas or Guide Alpacas on Crock, Inc. Property. These beasts are unpredictable at best. Last week a Llama ate Lyle's pleather interior out of his Buick. (I guess he still hasn't gotten the power windows fixed). Beatrice had her cane gnawed in two by an alpaca Tuesday. Perhaps worst of all, Flanksham finally surfaced and walked in on Wednesday and a llama spit some junk in his eye. He was promptly taken away by med-evac and has not been heard from since. This has to stop or someone could be killed.

The ban is immediate and applies to all New World Camelids. Not only Llamas and Alpacas, although these are the worst offenders, but guanacos, and vicunas are banned as well. The reasons are obvious. Click here.

Camels are acceptable. (That last sentence has never been written before, anywhere, ever).

Marketing Team Meeting Agenda

I told you in an earlier post about a shake-up coming in the marketing department. I thought I'd share it with you now.

Larry, our Director of Marketing accidentally copied me in on his email to the "third-tier subordinate nobodies with the word manager in their title" (as I like to call them). Right now he has no idea that he made this mistake. I'm publishing it here so you will know exactly why you don't see Larry at the team meeting in the morning. This has done him in (along with not thinking of the moon as an ad medium).

10:00-ish Kick-off
- Get Coffee
- Get Bagel
- Drink Coffee and Eat Bagel
- Get more Coffee
- Check MySpace for new Bulletins

10:30 Goals for the Meeting
- Make sure the "big wigs" think we're busy and understaffed
- Figure out how to "expense" Guitar hero for the breakroom
- Decide where to go for Lunch
- Decide where to go for Happy Hour

11:00 Productivity (Ways to make the big wigs think we're under staffed)
1) Read Crock, Inc. with a very concerned and contemplative look on your face
2) Make sure your desks are messy
3) Call your fellow team-members (that's two people on the phone, and two lines busied out)
4) Sweat a lot.
5) Tell the big wigs "We're under staffed"

11:15 Recreation (How do we expense "Guitar Hero"?)
Plan A- Have Javier Sweet-talk Janet into giving us the key to Petty cash
Plan B- See if the guy at Game Stop will give us a receipt for paperclips instead

11:20 Break
- Get more Coffee
- Beam each other ringtones
- Smoke 'em if ya got 'em

11:59 Desicion Time (Where do we go to lunch?)
- The Lounge, seems the only logical choice

12:00 Lunch at The Lounge
- Finish meeting at lunch by deciding to remain at The Lounge for Happy Hour.

Next Meeting - Tomorrow @ 10:00-ish

Advertising on the Moon?

This is what I'm talking about. I want to know who these guys use for an Ad Agency. I also want to know why our guys didn't come up with this. (Actually, I have an idea why but more on that later).

Imagine looking up at the moon and seeing the Rolling Rock logo. Can they do that? Let's not "mis-underestimate" them. At the very least let's have a plan in place to get a letter "C" in front of the word "rock".

We also need to start thinking outside the box about other advertising methods. The fact that this one slipped through does not bode well for the folks down in marketing.

Perhaps they are in need of a little beef. Or maybe we need to take a look at our hiring procedures. Our philosophy has always been "we'll take the people that no one else wants". It gives us a sense of security in that they can't really get another job anywhere else, therefore, reducing our turnover and strain on the training and HR departments. That still seems like a sound policy.

I'm just thinking out loud here, but maybe we need to start looking for some actual qualifications. I suggest we start hiring people who fit our pre-defined profile. I think our ideal candidate for a position in our marketing department would be someone with large ears (listening is so very important). The candidate should be a "dog person" who likes lima beans and is in favor of dentists. They should love peotry and long walks on the beach at sunset. A marketing degree is a plus, but not necessary (we can get any degree we need on Ebay). This position really requires someone who's eyes are too close together and who has mild dandruff. The person should have slender fingers and a fake tan (the reasons for this are obvious). If you know anyone who fits this profile, please send them our way.

If you can think of any other criteria that we should consider, let me know that as well. Stay tuned for information on the shake-up in the Marketing Department. There will be big news on this subject coming soon.