Guns: Great for Killing People, But Do They Have Other Uses?

Surprisingly, the answer is "YES".


While we all know that the main purpose of a gun is to kill people, there are some other uses that may not come easily to mind when the subject (of guns, or killing people) arises at the water cooler. In the interest of saving lives, I would like to pass along some of these uses.


Among the secondary purposes for firearms, I am the most partial to "Brandishing". In case you are not familiar with the term, brandishing in the sense used here, is when a firearm is handled in a conspicuous manor, allowing all within eyesight to know of it's presence and subsequently feel intimidation as intended. Generally, when this technique is used, the gun's primary use becomes unnecessary. Sometimes, you may need to add a verbal compliment to brandishing activity in order to obtain the full effect. I suggest shouting phrases like; "Everyone down on the floor now or I'll remind you what this thing is for!", or " I'm not sure if you are aware but this is a gun and it's normally used to kill people!"(actually, the second one saves a step due to the fact that you have in fact already reminded them what a gun is for).

Another oft overlooked use for a gun is "pistol whipping". This is an activity akin to "bitch-slapping" where the gun is held in hand whilst that hand is wreaking havoc upon a persons face, head, neck, ribcage, and/or back. Believe it or not, this works with a rifle or shotgun as well. Normally, the victim of a "pistol-whippin'" will fall to the ground immediately (sometimes they will say "ouch dude!") and killing them will not be necessary.

Although there are many more uses for guns, I will offer this final activity; paperweighting. I prefer the 45 caliber handgun for this. It will certainly hold the papers in place under most circumstances and it is small enough to allow you to see the papers underneath. This is actually a dual-purpose purpose for a gun. While the gun is holding your important documents firmly on your desk amidst the relentless ceiling-fan-force gale, it is also being brandished. Believe me, every visitor to your office will notice the weapon and, in most cases, they won't make you kill them with it. Granted, there will be the occasional curious soul who asks, "Is that real?". When this happens, try adding the verbal compliments suggested above. If that fails to satisfy the curiosity, I suggest moving immediately to pistol-whipping.

I hope this article has given you some things to think about. Perhaps you can even come up with your own ways to use your gun that does not require killing people. If I've saved one life by writing this, it was well worth the effort. If I've saved three lives, I'm money ahead. If I've saved more than three lives, well, then I will erect a monument to myself right next to the other monument to me in the front lawn of the HZ. (Stay tuned to this blog if you don't know what HZ means). Please, don't send me ideas like; hunting, or target practice. These activities fell out of favor around the time of the great east-coast-rappers vs. west-coast-rappers war that claimed the lives of Tupac and Biggie.