Corporate Sell-out Maneuver #1: A Book Promotion

It's been a long time since we've posted anything here, and we have a very good reason for that. The reason is none of anyone's business, but it is a very good one. 

If it was any of your concern, we could tell you the reason we've been gone so long and you would be like; "Oh wow! That is a very good reason. One of the best I've ever heard."

But alas...not your concern. 

So, what brings us back now? 

There is a very good reason for that as well. This time, it is your business. In fact, we will tell you the reason we are suddenly back here, blogging like crazy.

It's because the boss said we are supposed to promote his book.

Here is the book promotion.

 

It is odd that there is some other guy's name on the book. A ghost writer, maybe? Dunno.

We're supposed to mention that the book will be out soon and let you know how you can find out more. 

Apparently, you can find out more about the book and also sign up for updates here.

Now, this is a departure from our standard operating procedure because the book is real. We typically don't deal with real things, so everyone is in a bit of a panic around here. Some of us worry that this may lead to a loss of focus on the normal nonsense and represents a shift to ecommerce. 

Understand, the word "ecommerce" sends shivers down the spines of the Crock, Inc. staff because ecommerce means work. We are averse to work so we would prefer to keep this company focused on providing top-quality nonsense at a reasonable price.

The boss argues that his book fits that description. 

While the book may indeed be nonsense, it appears to be a real and tangible book that will require real and tangible money to purchase. No matter what this book costs when it hits the stores, if it's more than $0.00, it will be the biggest-ticket item we've ever promoted. 

You can see how this would make us nervous.

Anyway, fingers crossed that this will satisfy the boss man. Hopefully we can get back to nonsense now.

The Fear of Fear Itself

How about a little bravery for the weekend?

No one likes fear anymore, do they? But disliking it and being afraid of it are two different things. No one likes pain either but we aren't afraid of it. We are however, afraid that pain will hurt. Many of us fear embarrassment because we're afraid it will be embarrassing. We're scared of heights, not because we fear falling but because we're afraid that the ground is too far away to make a safe landing. We're afraid of clowns.  But why are we afraid of fear?  And should we be?

The first step in figuring out why you fear fear is to admit that you do. Though we fight it and try to hide it, even the bravest among us must confess to feeling at least a tinge, a little tickle of fear when we are afraid. If pain or embarrassment or heights don't "get your tremble on", clowns will. So go ahead, admit that you fear fear. Chicken! Fraidee-cat!

Now, the second step in learning why you are such a coward when you are not courageous is to figure out the real reason for your yellowness. I contend that it's usually an effect that you fear rather than a cause. You don't fear bears, you are afraid of being dismembered and eaten by bears....and who wouldn't be afraid of that right? Pain hurts. Falling equals pain which equals hurt and possibly death. Oh, there's a biggie that I almost forgot: death. That's one of the more common effects that stimulate fear reactions. I'd say it's at least in the top 100, maybe even top 50.

With so much scariness, what's wrong with a little fear? Nothing! Embrace the fear!  Stop being afraid to be afraid. Sometimes fear is the only thing between you and an unimaginably violent mutilation.  If you're going to fear fear, you might as well fear terror as well. And while your at it, go ahead and fear horror, fright, spooky, and creepy too (and clowns). Nah. Don't do that. It's perfectly acceptable to fear having an arm ripped off by a copy-machine, just don't fear the copy machine. It's natural to fear having your toenails pried off by a tribe of spider-monkeys on unicycles that invade your home right in the middle of wheel of fortune, just don't be afraid of spider-monkeys (but do be suspicious of them, especially the unicyclers because they usually work for clowns). It's OK to be afraid of death because it can kill you. That's something that fear has no ability to do. Oh wait. Never mind. It IS possible to be scared to death. Forget what I said. If you need me, I'll be hiding under a desk so the fear doesn't get me....or the clown.

What To Do When Your Face Swells Shut

This may seem like an oddly random subject and I'm sure you are wondering why I am bringing it up right now. I won't share, but suffice it to say there is a very pertinent and coherent reason for the timing and subject matter which I have just bestowed upon you. I realize that you weren't expecting such meaningful material and you are now undeniably hooked to this post that you'd rather be buried in fire ants than to abort the reading mission before the objective of finding out what to do when your face swells shut. This is really an issue of survival. Hopefully you've set aside the necessary time.

Before we get into the meat of this, lets start by defining the problem. Although the underlying cause should certainly be of concern to you if your face swells shut, it is not our focus at this time. To assure we are all on the same page;

"Face" is that portion of the front of your head where your eyes, nose, and mouth are located. If you have a moustache, beard, glasses, or a silent expression of hatred for your fellow man, they would also be found here.

"Swells" refers to an abnormal enlargement or bloating. Many times this is a sudden onset that may occur in the event of exposure to an allergen or a good beating. In some cases the swelling may occur over time, perhaps as a result of some cruel disease or excessive consumption of bacon milkshakes.

And "shut" means "closed". As it relates to the face, specifically the involuntary closing of the eyes, nose, and mouth due to the aforementioned swelling.

Now, let's discuss the dos and don'ts.

First, let me share with you a few things NOT to do when your face swells shut. Here is a short list that I threw together. I'm just guessing here. My face has never swelled or swollen shut.

• Please DO NOT come to work. You will scare people. Plus, your productivity will surely suffer due to the shutness of your face.
• I assume you would not want to drive a vehicle. At least not very fast.
• Guys(and extremely hairy women), do NOT shave when your face is swollen shut! I mean it. Don't do it!
• Don't worry about the dogs you hear barking at you. They are not equipped with a sense of compassion.
• Most importantly; Do not panic!

I'm sure there are more don'ts but those are the obvious ones. Now, what should you do?

• PANIC! After all you are trapped in a private hell and held against your will by your own face.
• Breathe. Oh wait, you can't. Since most humans breathe through the mouth, the nose, a combination of the two, or alternation between them, and they are both shut by the definition presented earlier. Unless you are lucky enough to have a blowhole, you should probably try to get a straw shoved between your lips and/or in a nostril or two. This may allow you to process enough oxygen to avoid suffocation temporarily.
• Turn off the lights. You can't see anyway. No point in wasting energy and just because you have only moments to live doesn't mean you need to forget about the environment.
• Seek medical attention. Lets face it, the problem is not likely to reverse itself and is probably life-threatening. Grandma may have a home remedy but she's never around when you really need her now is she? Since we've already eliminated driving as a possibility you'll need to call 911. I know, using a phone is difficult. Just feel your way around the keypad and do you best. If you get someone who asks you "what listing?" you've hit a 4 instead of a 9. Try again. Once connected to a dispatcher, help is on the way. Of course you can't talk to explain anything but they can track your location by the caller ID info or cellular network. They will realize that it is an emergency by the fact that you called 911. No one calls them to make idle chit-chat. They will also pick up on the urgency in your muffled but horrifying internal screams. Side note: they can't hear your arms flailing around wildly so stop. That's just another energy-saving tip.

Hopefully you will remember this advice when your face swells shut and somehow manage to follow it. For those of you who have been through it, feel free to share your experiences.

Six Ways to Make Your Day Unsuck

We've all been there. Those days when the weight of the world comes crashing down. Or maybe it just comes down in a slow drip, like water torture. First, work sucks. You realize you are completely surrounded by incompetence. Every cubicle you look in you find a well-dressed moron who probably gets paid more than you. Your boss probably asked you to do some ridiculous time-wasting task that doesn't fit your job description, like taking inventory of packing-peanuts when everyone knows that Rhonda Bluegums is supposed to handle that since her job title is Packing-Peanut and Bubble Wrap Inventory Manager.

Then, it starts to creep into your personal life. You spill your freshly poured java on what then becomes your freshly scalded crotch and your freshly stained pants. Of course, you didn't bring another pair of pants! Who carries extra pants around? So, instead of going directly to the bar after work, you try to run into a clothing store and buy some new pants but they only have the stupid kind with pleats. You decide pleats are better than a massive crotch stain so you buy them. You get a speeding ticket on the way to the bar, you have a dozen too many, puke on three of the four bikers in the room, get beat to a pulp, put in a cab, and you wake up in a basement of some house where there is an excessive amount of mason jars with some type of organic and permanently preserved materials in them.....and your stupid pleated pants are nowhere to be found.

How do you stay positive when this is how life treats you? Here are six things that will help your day go better and possibly help others in the process:

1) Sing your thoughts. That's right. Whatever you are thinking, sing it....out loud. But pick a cheery tune. Let's say your thinking "Rob Dollman is a horses ass". You could set it to the tune of the Green Acres theme. It'll be contagious and before you know it, the whole office will be singing it. Maybe even Rob Dollman.

2) Flip off things. Inanimate objects. Even if they did nothing to you. Don't let anyone see you do it. This one is just for you. It'll make you feel better so the next four suggestions will have better results.

3) Double Negatives. When something negative happens (and it always does), double down on it. Let's say your computer crashed and you lost half-a-day's work. Go tell your boss that you were almost done with the useless report he asked for when your computer exploded, sent shrapnel though the office killing Daryl Colby and setting the office ablaze. Once he finds out the truth, it won't seem so bad.

4) Bring up the past. People love it when you remind them of their mistakes. If you mess up and Bob from accounts payable gives you shit just remind him of the time he forgot to take his inflatable "friend" out of his car before pulling in the garage. Remind him that you still have the surveillance video. It will lighten the mood quickly.

5) All the cool kids are doing it. If you see a coworker struggling, struggle worse. For example; JoAnn is looking in the top drawer of a filing cabinet but pulls it out too far and the cabinet tips over with a crash. Make her feel better by charging the bank of filing cabinets in a dead sprint and smashing into them. Knock them all down. If they won't fall, rip out the drawers and throw them around the place. Make a huge mess. Encourage others to join the rampage. JoAnn will feel better. Make her clean it up. She started it.

6) Scape-elephant. Place a statue of an animal, it doesn't matter what animal, on your desk. For the purposes of this purpose, let's use a statue of an elephant. Now, every time something bad happens, blame the elephant. The shipment didn't go out on time? The elephant fell asleep. Payroll didn't go out? The elephant forgot. Admonish the elephant. Scold it publicly. Really dive in. Yell and scream. Threaten it. Take away television privileges, make it stand in a corner, stab it repeatedly with a letter opener, throw it in the trash and light it on fire. We're not sure how this helps, but it does.

Reading Between the Lies

I love reading. In fact, the main reason I am writing this is so I can read it later. I will read just about anything. When I see words, I usually read them (unless there are too many of them or they are written in another language like British or Canadian).

In these times where any horses-ass can write a blog and so-called news arrives quite literally out of thin air into our hands, there is no shortage of material.

I've noticed though, that just because someone writes and it gets published, doesn't make it true. It also doesn't make the author an expert know-it-all. When it comes to news, advice, motivation, business, etc., we hope that people write about things they know. Sadly, this is not the case. I'm proof of that.

It is my opinion that everyone who writes in these categories, or any category, is lying. Actually, that's a fact. Everyone who ever wrote anything is either lying or an idiot, with few exceptions (the bible and Rich Dad, Poor Dad are the only two).

Yes, even your Grandma's grocery list she lovingly crafted over the course of a week! Everything! Every facebook post is false. Every tweet is a big fat lie. Every blog post is a long-winded inaccurate deceitful malicious ploy or a pile of worthless blubber from an evil stupid genius. I don't need to give examples. These are blanket statements so you can find your own. Stop reading that garbage! Well, don't stop. Just read with a grain of salt.

If you find yourself thinking that I have a good point right about now, please shove your own fist rapidly into your face, then repeat. I'm writing, therefore I am lying!

Writers of fictional material lie all the time, totally on purpose, and they don't even try to hide it. So that's cool. I can live with that. I wonder who writes the little tags on tee shirts? Those things piss me off. Always rubbing up against my neck and stuff. I've never read them though. I'm sure they are full of diabolical falsehoods like; "wash with like colors", or, "tumble dry low". What does that even mean? I have noticed that some of the tags have replaced words with symbols. I guess they want to get through to me since they know that I know the written words are lies.

Whatever. That should be enough to put me to sleep later when I read this.

Guns: Great for Killing People, But Do They Have Other Uses?

Surprisingly, the answer is "YES".


While we all know that the main purpose of a gun is to kill people, there are some other uses that may not come easily to mind when the subject (of guns, or killing people) arises at the water cooler. In the interest of saving lives, I would like to pass along some of these uses.


Among the secondary purposes for firearms, I am the most partial to "Brandishing". In case you are not familiar with the term, brandishing in the sense used here, is when a firearm is handled in a conspicuous manor, allowing all within eyesight to know of it's presence and subsequently feel intimidation as intended. Generally, when this technique is used, the gun's primary use becomes unnecessary. Sometimes, you may need to add a verbal compliment to brandishing activity in order to obtain the full effect. I suggest shouting phrases like; "Everyone down on the floor now or I'll remind you what this thing is for!", or " I'm not sure if you are aware but this is a gun and it's normally used to kill people!"(actually, the second one saves a step due to the fact that you have in fact already reminded them what a gun is for).

Another oft overlooked use for a gun is "pistol whipping". This is an activity akin to "bitch-slapping" where the gun is held in hand whilst that hand is wreaking havoc upon a persons face, head, neck, ribcage, and/or back. Believe it or not, this works with a rifle or shotgun as well. Normally, the victim of a "pistol-whippin'" will fall to the ground immediately (sometimes they will say "ouch dude!") and killing them will not be necessary.

Although there are many more uses for guns, I will offer this final activity; paperweighting. I prefer the 45 caliber handgun for this. It will certainly hold the papers in place under most circumstances and it is small enough to allow you to see the papers underneath. This is actually a dual-purpose purpose for a gun. While the gun is holding your important documents firmly on your desk amidst the relentless ceiling-fan-force gale, it is also being brandished. Believe me, every visitor to your office will notice the weapon and, in most cases, they won't make you kill them with it. Granted, there will be the occasional curious soul who asks, "Is that real?". When this happens, try adding the verbal compliments suggested above. If that fails to satisfy the curiosity, I suggest moving immediately to pistol-whipping.

I hope this article has given you some things to think about. Perhaps you can even come up with your own ways to use your gun that does not require killing people. If I've saved one life by writing this, it was well worth the effort. If I've saved three lives, I'm money ahead. If I've saved more than three lives, well, then I will erect a monument to myself right next to the other monument to me in the front lawn of the HZ. (Stay tuned to this blog if you don't know what HZ means). Please, don't send me ideas like; hunting, or target practice. These activities fell out of favor around the time of the great east-coast-rappers vs. west-coast-rappers war that claimed the lives of Tupac and Biggie.

The Significance of Snazzy Pens

I've been thinking lately about how important it is to have a nice pen. Not very. I have pondered this quite some time. As I have met with many powerful and influential people over the years, I have taken note of the pens they use. I have also met with many non-essential humans, such as those whom I would interview for various low-level positions here at Crock, Inc. As I reflect on this matter, I have found that the niceness of one's pen is inversely proportional to one's status in life.

Many times, when I meet with the powerful and influential, I see that they carry a standard Bic 2360 Model click pen, a Scripto 1400 capped ball-point, or other equivalent model. Blue or black ink, it's about 50-50. Sometimes they don't bring a pen at all.

When interviewing candidates for common-folk type positions within this company, I find that they always bring their own pen. Nine times out of ten it's black ink. These things are usually very shiny silver with special grips and explosion-proof technology. I find that interesting.

Did you know that some of the richest people in the world carry handkerchiefs? This is weird. They actually blow their nose on a piece of cloth and then stuff it, snot and all, right back in their pockets. In this case, I wonder why they have ruled out the sleeve option. At least then, when the inter-pocket mingling happens, they wouldn't get snot on their cheap pens. I think that's why the commoners go with the sleeve, you know, because of the fancy pens.

I was also thinking that paper clips are funny. Somewhere, someone owns a business making these things. And staples! What about those? Imagine making staples for a living. I think a paperclip is just a less-permanent staple.

The other day I was talking with our rubber band sales guy and I found out something interesting; Did you know that the average commission on a rubber-band is half a cent per 100,000 units? I'm no mathematician, but how much do you think he takes home per year after taxes? I can't figure it out.

Someone needs to invent something to stop this fan from blowing the papers off of my desk.

I have a friend who's Unlce invented the little plastic tube things that they put on the end of shoelaces. He's a multi-millionaire and he writes with half of a broken crayon, light green.

Frequent Urination Will Not Be Tolerated

Sue,

You have been leaving your desk four times per day for the past three days. Half way through day number 2, I started watching (stalking) you. You leave your desk and walk down the hall into the ladies room. You remain inside for between 2 minutes and 13 seconds to 3 minutes and 54 seconds. You then exit the ladies room and return to your desk.

I think you see where I'm going with this. I can only imagine what you are doing in there. I suspect you are urinating. I also suspect that sometimes you fail to wash your hands. You disgust me. Sicko! You are wasting over 12 minutes per day of the company's time. How could you be so irresponsible? You are a dirty thief and filthy liar. While you dilly dally on the pot for an hour per week, the rest of your department remains at their desk. They only leave for mandatory breaks, lunch, and a ten minute smoke break every hour. When they feel like leaving their desks in between, they instead play solitaire or minesweeper or surf inappropriate material on the web or make personal phone calls.

If you value your job, you will take up smoking or find other, less-obvious ways to waste company time. This is your only warning. Get with the program. There is no room in this company for lazy cancerous festering disrespectful careless oozing derelict poopie pants like you.

Also, it's your turn to restock the bacon dispenser. Don't even think about bring the turkey kind again....and please, for the love of all that is good and holy, wash your hands!

Love,

Management

Fishing Lessons

So I watched both the DNC and the RNC. I studied and followed the coverage on the liberal networks and the normal one too (and even on the radio, shut your mouth).

I see one distinct difference between the platforms that is being overlooked, and has been since the democrat party rose from the primordial ooze and charged the other invertebrates a tax for breathing too much air. Without whipping it out and/or slapping your face with it or making any kind of big deal about it at all, I will tell you what it is. Obviously, I'm assuming you cannot figure this out for yourself, I shall hint your ass.

Here it is, in a nutshell (Macadamia, no...no..., filbert. That's it. Filbert.) Well, wait, I can sum it up with this old ecclesiastical proverb psalm: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for life.

Can you decipher the hidden message? Can you figure out what I'm talking about? Can you dig it?

Fishing Lessons start Monday.

Fonk, Chisel, Chainsaw

It's time for Gesture Lessons. I would like to see these put to use in our daily interactions throughout the company. I believe they will enhance our career experience and boost moral. The following gestures, complete with names and instructions on how to properly execute them, are something that I learned from co-workers as I came up through the ranks of the company. It seems we have gotten away from these over the years. Let's bring 'em back.

First, we have the "Fonk". The name of this gesture is meant to simulate the sound of a hammer or other blunt object striking something (more like someone). To perform this gesture simply make a fist, straighten your elbow and keep your arm stiff. (Don't forget to retain the fist. I know it's a lot to remember.) You are now ready to deploy the Fonk. Raise your arm (while retaining the fist, arm stiff) and bring it down swiftly onto a co-worker's head. (You don't have to use extreme or deadly force, just use enough to keep the element of surprise). The instant your fist contacts the victim's head (this is key) say the word "Fonk" loudly and proudly. You can experiment with the tone and delivery. We used to get creative. My fave was "Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-FONK!"

Next up; "Chisel". This one is named after the tool often used in woodworking and other manual shop-class-type tasks. The Chisel gesture is similar to the Fonk in the respect that the hand is in the fist position. The arm however, is bent at the elbow. To deploy the Chisel, drive the bent elbow into the victim's ribs and use the free hand to "hammer" on the fist of the bent arm while retaining your-elbow-to-victim's-rib contact. Imagine your elbow as the chisel blade and your fist as the head of the chisel. Your free hand is the hammer driving the blade home. Once again, the goal is not to hurt the victim but just to catch them off-guard and make them uncomfortable. You're not busting concrete blocks here. The vocalization of the chisel begins when contact is made. You're gong to use the word "Chisel" but the inflection of this one is important. You must use a falsetto voice and draw out the word. If only you could here me when I say "chiiiizzzzzellll".

Lastly, the "Chainsaw". This is named after a dog I had when I was six. Not really. It's named after a chainsaw of course. The arm position on this one is the same as the "Fonk". The delivery is different however. Get the arm in position with the straight elbow. Instead of a fist, use an open hand, like a karate-chop. Now, imagine you arm is actually a chainsaw. You need to start it up to make it work. Use your other arm (assuming you have one) to make the motions of pull-starting. Add a few sound-effects for authenticity. To my knowledge, there is no chainsaw that starts on the first pull. Be sure yours takes two or three pulls before starting. Once it "starts" your ready to deploy. On the final imaginary pull of the rope, the one that actually starts the imaginary motor, you'll need your best chainsaw sound to be coming out of your mouth (assuming you have one) full force while simultaneously raising the arm and placing the side of your open-hand-chainsaw-blade on some part of the victim's body. Apply moderate pressure and hold it on the victim while continuing to simulate the sound of a revved-up chainsaw.

So there you have it. Some fun and fantastic gestures that you probably never would have discovered on your own. I believe you will find these useful when directed at someone who has just insulted you, someone who has just said something stupid, or someone who is just stupid. Practice these on your friends and family for a few days, then bring them to work with you. I will expecting to see these in action by Monday.

Enjoy.

A Burrito Away from Catastrophe - How One Woman Saved Monday

Please join me in thanking Janice "Boobs" Malone for her outstanding contribution to the company, her out-of-the-box thinking, and her clever use of common household items for the betterment of the work-environment.

Before I explain the thank-worthy action that Boobs selflessly executed, allow me to lay some groundwork. You see, yesterday was Monday. As you know, scientifically speaking, Monday is the longest day of the week. I think it's like 46 hours and 22 minutes long or something like that. This long day, coupled with the effects of returning from a two-day break known as a "weekend", can often times cause the atmosphere around the office to be sort of dull, ho-hum, pissy, or otherwise unbearable.

While we're coupling things, let's take the two items coupled above, after having coupled them into one, and couple that with the fact that there are so many assholes working here. In many, all this coupling can cause depression, rage, anxiety, boredom, tension, the feeling that your reason for living is gone (not to mention scurvy). But not Janice.

She had a plan. Yesterday, about 23 hours into the first Monday of the week, she executed this plan flawlessly. Everyone in the office, nay, the building got the chance to break out of that Monday rut. They were forced to drop what they were doing and stand up, stretch, and go outside for some fresh air. If the truth be known, the plan that Janice devised and acted out actually saved lives. Nerpert in the IT Department confided in me that he was about go on a machete-wielding rampage throughout the place before his psychopathic trance was broken by Janice's brilliant effort.

Here's how Janice "Boobs" Malone, Vice-President of Arts, Crafts, and Taste Bud Manipulation, saved lives, revived us all, and made the CNN news ticker:

Around lunchtime (23 o'clock pm), Janice went to the breakroom. She removed her lunch sack from the refrigerator, took out a single microwaveable burrito - bean and cheese I think. She placed the burrito on a decorative paper plate - a nice plaid pattern in shades of brown. She put the burrito/plate combo into the microwave, closed the door, and set it for 13 minutes. She then walked calmly out of the breakroom, down the hall, out the office doors- down the stairs and into the parking lot where she stood and waited. She was hardly able to contain her excitement. She did the best she could, making small-talk with Tammy Gingerale from Inspections.

It wasn't long before she realized that her plan had worked. As the door to the stairwell opened and people began pouring out, she could clearly hear the sound of the fire alarm sirens wailing. As the building occupants emptied onto the parking lot, she managed to keep her cool, asking other co-workers if they set off the alarm.

Eventually, the fire department showed up and found the culprit. The evidence was there; one severely charred, hollowed-out burrito-shaped device on a burned up plaid paper plate in shades of brown, and now black. Janice finally claimed responsibility, but she did a fine job of acting surprised and embarrassed to keep up the act.

After an hour or so, everyone was allowed to return to work, but not before the realization that they were living the most memorable Monday of their lives. Today, they are still talking about it. Knowing what I know now, I realize that her actions quite possibly saved my life and many others. Janice just smiles.

Thanks Boobs.

We Now Support The National Society of Crazies

Crock, Inc. is now a proud sponsor of the National Society for Crazies.

The NSC is a wonderful organization who strive to help those who can't behave themselves, the "Crazies". They defend the crazies from discrimination and persecution at the hands of the "Normals".

Those of you who are already members known the benefits. Being a part of this organization brings together those of us who may be considered a little "off" in the eyes of the Normals. It gives us an outlet for our unusual antics. It gives us an identity. We can now say with pride, "I AM A CRAZY!!"

Visit the NSC website for more information and to apply for membership.

The Top Five (Three) Ways to Get Your Sell On

It doesn't matter if you're selling widgets, timeshares, mustard, tonsils, or your soul. It makes no difference if you sell in a store, door to door, or hanging upside-down under a bridge. No matter what your personal sales situation may be, if you're doing face-to-face sales and you really want to sell MORE, you will benefit from this advice.

I have sold the living piss out of everything from toilet seat-covers to Luxury yachts so I know what I'm talking about. Don't even question it. Just read and do. Here is a list of some keys to my success:

1) Look the part. You must know who you are selling to and the relationship between the buyer and the product. Then you must dress to fit. For example, used car salespeople should wear dark glasses, a gold chain, a button down shirt with the top three buttons undone, stonewashed jeans, boots, and a leather blazer. To borrow a line from the movie Anchorman.....Sixty percent of the time it works every time!! Another example; if you sell investments or annuities, wear a Big Bird costume. It almost never fails.

2) Talk the talk. While I would always encourage you to be yourself and be honest with the customer, sometimes it's nice to bend a little and be what they want you to be. This is especially true in the way you speak. If your customer seems to swear a lot, drop a couple of f-bombs for good measure. You'll gain respect. If your customer speaks with an accent, you should attempt to speak with the exact same accent. It will be a little uncomfortable at first, but you'll get used to it. Before you know it, your customer will be trying to figure out if they know you from "back home". Please please please, do not use words like "fiduciary" or "philanthropic" when selling a Popsicle to a fourth grader.

3) Walk the walk. Everyone feels sorry for someone who limps. Always act gimpy. Be consistent. Always favor the same leg and stay in character. You should hobble from the time you wake up until you go to bed....even in your own home. It must be convincing. You never know when a potential customer might be watching. You will also need a story about how this happened to you. I usually encourage people to use injury rather than disease, although this depends on what you are selling. Lawn-mower salespeople may say that their old lawnmower attacked them one day because it wasn't equipped with a certain safety feature....it just so happens that the model they sell DOES indeed have that safety feature. SOLD! If you are selling army surplus, it's a war injury. Flowers; killer bee attack...and so on. But, it would be acceptable to use diabetes as your story if you sell, let's say, blood-sugar testers.

I know these tips will probably hopefully and maybe help you sell your product to more people and create a sense of confidence in you that will stay with you long after your customers have gone elsewhere. Read them, memorize them, live them. Put your own spin on these tips and customize them for your industry. Send me your success stories or include them in your comments.

Return of an Icon

We are in the beginning stages of one of the greatest comebacks in men's fashion history, and I must admit, it was my idea. I'm talking about the moustache. That's right. I'm not sure if you have noticed it yet, but you will.

Very Soon, you will start noticing TV and Movie stars, musicians, politicians, news anchors, and other public figures sporting various sizes and shapes of these fuzzy face-dwellers. Look around you. They are more common than you would expect, more plentiful than you thought, and more abundant than they were just a year or two ago.

Now I'm not talking about the moustache-like thing sported as part of a larger facial-apparatus. Not the goatee/moustache, not the fu manchu, not the full beard with moustache. No. I'm talking about the beautiful 1971 caterpillar-of-the-upper-lip device. You know the kind. Usually displayed with a pair of large sunglasses, lenses in hues of purple or brown, the gradient tinted variety; dark on top light on the bottom (the lenses that is). The guys in the pic get it. Well, no sunglasses, but you see what I mean.

Going forward, all Crock, Inc. employees who grow one of these shall receive a $.22 per hour raise in pay while the moustache is alive and kicking. Discrimination, you say? Well ladies, you can participate as well. Some of you can simply stop the waxing or bleach treatment and call it good. Others may have to improvise. Rogaine? Maybe. Give it a shot.

Hell. Do a web search for "moustache" and witness the beauty. Keep in mind, some websites out there may actually be making fun of the moustache, not praising it. I know. It's hard to believe. I was fooled many times before I figured it out. Don't make the same mistake. If you see moustache hate-crimes in progress, please report them to me.

Also, if you have your moustache in place, please send pics.

Keeping Your Job While Your Co-workers Get the Axe

As the media continues to pound negative economic news into the minds of the masses, there will undoubtedly be some impact on the reality of the job market, the stock market, and the economy in general. The fact is, it's already started to show itself. It won't be long and the whole "Corporate Downsizing" theme will hit the news again, or the "Outsourcing of Jobs" topic shows up in the headlines again. As an executive of a major false corporation, I can't express to you how sick it all makes me. What I can do, is offer you some advice that may help you remain employed when your company starts to cut or move jobs. I will now cast my analysis upon an ehow.com article on job security. This is my public service duty for the year, so enjoy. (Items in italics are from the article).


Step 1:Examine the requirements and qualifications of your current job.

If your job can be done by a high school student or an animal, you may be in trouble (unless you are a high school student or an animal). I know there are some very smart monkeys out there but you, as an adult human, are going to need some kind of a skill if you want to keep your job. Juggling, burping the alphabet, and solving a Rubik's Cube with your toes are not really marketable skills.


Step 2:Check the education requirements of the current job.

Did you graduate High School? Actually, that does not matter as much as if you can read or write, or comprehend simple instructions. Most jobs will not allow you to remain employed if you are not able to perform the task assigned. If your supervisor tells you to but tab A into slot B for eight hours every day, you will be lucky if you're still employed after asking him to repeat the instructions for the twelfth time. However, if you are one of those people, and you can hang in there long enough, new legislation may make it impossible for your employer to fire you. You could get your prosthetic arm stuck in the press every five minutes and you'd still be entitled to your job. Soon, it will be against the law to discriminate against stupidity. Good luck to you.


Step 3:Ask your supervisor about extra assignments or duties that you can do. Putting forth extra effort in the current job will help you develop a reputation as a person who is willing to go the extra mile.

So true. Brown-nose hard! Get right in there and ask if they need some shoes shined, laundry done, yards mowed, etc. Polish their balls. Give it your all, they'll love you. Really.


Step 4:Display a positive attitude.

Smile once in a while. It never killed anyone (smile as if to proclaim "I've never killed anyone"). When someone asks you how it's going, tell them in a positive manner. Don't grumble and complain or kick them in the crotch. Chances are they didn't really care anyway, they just asked to be nice. If you're negative, they will move on and not think of you again. If you're happy and upbeat, they will remember (or think you're loony). They will want to hang out with you (or hang you). Also remember to whistle all the time. Constantly. There are plenty of songs to whistle that will boost your moral (and make those you work with want to dump your body in the nearest river). Try the theme to the Andy Griffith Show, or Otis Redding's Dock of the Bay, or even Patience by Guns n' Roses.


Step 5:Offer to take a salary cut if the company is cutting back or experiencing a severe budget crisis.

Walk right up to the office and demand a pay cut. Ask them if it would be possible to work for without pay two days a week. That'll really get 'em loving you. It may get you reduced to a two day work week also. Dude! Sweet! If you get fired after this one, I can no longer be of assistance to you.


Step 6:Stay late, and put in extra effort where needed.

Work your two day week, but stay late both days. Hell, arrive early too. Show them your commitment to the company and the job.


Step 7:Connect with the co-workers and management by participating in activities outside of the job.

Consider having everyone over to your place, at your own expense. Set the bar high and set it early. Start drinking before the guests arrive and really pound 'em down. Be sure you are good and "crocked" by the time everyone arrives so that they see what kind of a party it's going to be. Throwing up wouldn't hurt either. Especially if you could get a little on the shoes of the bosses wife. This is a great ice-breaker and it will be talked about for weeks to come.


You're welcome in advance.