Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2014 Brings Big Changes in the Solar System

HAPPY NEW YEAR simple peasants with no fashion sense!  We are starting this thing off with a bang!  This is not a time to tell you what we want to do this year.  It's no time to be hopeful for improvement.  This is a time for confident and assured action.  In 2014, Crock Inc is going to relocate Saturn!   Yes, the planet.  We will bring it closer to Earth so it can be viewed in the night sky, rings and all.  This will make for some great photos and confuse the shit out of wolves (we've hated wolves from day one and they deserve this).

This year, we will kill every last wasp on the planet and at least half of the ones from outer space.  They suck.  Really bad.

We are committed to preserving this nation's wetlands so future generations may never go there just as we were blessed to never have gone there. 

What the hell is wrong with Beyonce?  Oh, wait.  That's Mariah Carey.  My bad.

Anyway, in this new tiny baby infant year that has flopped gracefully from the uterus of 2013 just now, Crock Inc will invent a new word.  Not immediatley, but later in the year.  Maybe In March, or neither.  (I know.  Did it on purpose.)

If you are wondering what changes are being made immediatley, here they are:

We will no longer be using the word "talliwhacker".
We no longer accept American Express.
We suddenly love baked beans.
Clear is now a color.
All employees named Dick are promoted to the head of "in charge".
The company librarian is now a demon named Fractumettik who feasts on silence and puppies.
Lies are now called "misleading tales of untruth meant to mislead for you own damn good". 

You know, just the standard stuff. 

Obviously this will be a hell of a year, but if you don't shut your mouth we'll have you appointed Secretary of Last Year, also effective immediately.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

5(10) Things You Should Never Run With

A Public Service Announcement.

Why anyone would want to run is beyond me, but I know some folks rather enjoy it.  Here is some advice for those people.  Some things to consider.  A reminder that safety is the key to safety.  Being safe is way less dangerous than being dangerous.  You runners know this.  That's why you'll print the list below and read it while you run down the street. You'll text it to your running buddies who will read it while they run.  You'll tweet it while you drive to the spot where you will ultimately begin your run.  You'll wear your running helmet?  That's a question.  Do you even own a running helmet?  Wow!  You need this more than I thought.  In a moment,  I will provide a list of 5(10) things that you shouldn't run with, off the top of my head. But first, I think I speak for all of us here at Crock Inc. when I say "those running pants are the exact right size for you".  

Ok.  The list.  Off the top of my head. This is so easy.  Brains needed = none.

#1 Scissors
#2 Pencils
#3 Broadswords
#4 That idea you had last night after the bottle of bourbon
#5 A tiny baby
#6 The wrong crowd
#7 The Devil
#8 Large floppy breasts
#9 Polio
#10 Cops chasing you
#16 A blindfold
#22 Conviction

There! That's 5(10)(22)(12) things you shouldn't run with.  I bet that the armies of medieval times lost at least 30% of their eyes simply by running with those sharp weapons.  You'll never see a barber run, ever.  4, 5, 6, and 10 above are all related and I have witnessed these simultaneously.  I don't want to talk about it.  Van Halen was guilty of #7 and look what happened to them.  I could write another entire post on things you shouldn't do while wearing a blindfold.  This whole thing makes me realize that abstinence is the only way to assure safety.    

Related post: http://crockinc.blogspot.com/2012/11/how-to-avoid-stabbing-yourself-with.html?m=1