Monday, February 2, 2015

How to Keep Your Pretend Job

Let's pretend you're employed.  How do you go about remaining so? 

For some of you the answer is: you won't.  What I am about to share is not for you.  It's also not for children, pets of any kind, rocks, witches, migratory birds, single-celled organisms, or giants.  This information is strictly for people who can pretend they are employed, and additionally, have the ability to imagine that they would want to stay employed. Oh, and its also for anyone and anything not included in the list of things that it is specifically not for. 

Was that confusing?  Let me try to simplify.  There was a list given.  That list contains the specific people and things that this post is NOT intended to help.  Anything or anyone else is probably going to benefit from it.  But, it is most helpful to the people who can play along with the concept as explained already a little bit ago.

So, a quick review.  Hypothetically, you're employed.  You have a job (that's just another way of saying you're employed).  You want to keep your job (again, hypothetically).  What should you do?

Well, the easy answer is that you should DO your JOB.  Sure.  That's true.  But in and of itself it is not enough.  Apparently its also not that easy.

Wait.  I'm being confusing again.  The answer is easy, but is not easy.  Damn!  I just made it worse.  Take two:  the answer to the question "how do you keep you job" is easy.  No, the answer is not "easy", its......  Oh hell!  The answer that is most commonly shouted out immediately without thinking much about it is " do your job".  There!  Shit!  Got it.

Anyway, right!  If you do your job you won't be fired for not doing your job. Good answer. But, what I was saying before I interrupted myself is that it seems not as easy to do one's job as it sounds like it should be. That isn't even the point.  Rather it is just a side bar observation and I really don't want to discuss it other than to say that its usually a problem with laziness or from missing appendages and such.

Do you realize that most employees do their jobs at least part of the time?  Its true.  Yet, in the US, over 36 million employees are fired every second.  (That's a statistic. We use them sometimes to prove points).

It doesn't take a Volkswagen mechanic to deduce that just doing your job is not enough to keep your job.  So what else do you have to do? 

There are really only two other things an employee can do to remain employed.  They are as follows, in no particular order;

1) Show up on time
2) Stay the whole time

That's it.  Show up on time and stay the whole time. Never let them see you when you aren't there.  That's not quite the right way to say it, but you know what I meant. There have been cases where just those two things alone have kept people employed for years.  I know a guy who did those two things, never once did his job, just showed up on time and stayed for his entire shift, every day for 42 years.  He died, but that doesn't mean you will.  The point is he never got fired.

There was another guy who did his job pretty well, he showed up on time and stayed the whole time, but still got fired.  I think he punched an Asian woman or stabbed the security guard maybe.  Probably would have been fine if he hadn't done that. 

Now that throws a wrench in the works, doesn't it?  I was trying to explain that you just need to show up on time, stay the whole time, and do your job to keep your job, but now I have started this partial list of things you shouldn't do if you want to keep your job. I could probably think of a lot more things to add to that particular list, but I don't have time for all that.  Anyway, it's not my job.