Monday, October 21, 2013

Wanted: Decent Senator for Reasonable Price

We've had funds tagged in the budget for over five years now but just haven't pulled the trigger.  We have assembled a diverse portfolio of "public servants" during that time.  Our balance sheet now boasts three mayors, fifteen counsel members from various cities, twelve county executives, and the entire school board of Brownstown, Illinois.  We also have invested in a couple of Governors from states you've never heard of.  We dropped significant coin on those bastards.  The mail carrier from rural route 3 in ZIP code 45121 was ours but we traded him to Pillsbury for a meter reader and a dog catcher from Milwaukee.  Oh!  Almost forgot about the congressmen.  We have eight in all.  Mostly from the northern plains but we did pick up a set of Ohio representatives at a blind auction back in April.  They were in a mixed basket with some judges and a public defender.  Got lucky there.

With all of the elected officials that we own,  you'd think we would have a pretty easy road.  Not so.  We couldn't get a simple Tax deference on our multi-million dollar sewage sorting facility.  

After some research,  we've determined that we really need to go out and finally purchase at least one Senator.  Pfizer has two, and look at them!  GE has two as well.  They had another one but he became President so it got too expensive for them.  They sold him to a General Motors.  But still,  its awful damn obvious that owning Senators is a sound business investment.  Look at Phillip Morris.  No Senators owned.  Enron; same thing.  Mircosoft, Apple,  and Google have 74 Senators combined and they are currently planning to market and sell actual human brains.

That settles it for us.  We know we have got to buy a Senator.  If you know of anyone ready to sell, drop us a line.  We're willing to deal.....and we aren't picky.  We'll take a New Jersey, an Indiana, a'll never get a Texas this time of of the Dakotas would be nice.  Just please, no California's or Hawaii's.  Can you say "high maintenance"?  Basically anywhere else will do as long as they come with some kind of warranty and don't have any past history of abuse.  They'll need a clean title and we do ask to see the SenatorFax.

Contact us on Facebook if you have any leads.