Saturday, August 23, 2008

To Whom It May Concrock

This is a warning:

The Archives have been opened!

After 18 years of being sealed tightly and locked (and buried) in multiple secret confidential locations unknown to everyone (even me), the original founding documents have been released (to me and only me, not you, not your Dad, not the media, but just me). I, and I alone have the documents and you will not be able to see them unless I let you. No amount of clearance waivers, security release forms, licenses, forcible sodomy, or water torture will gain you access to these things.

Having stated the above, and having made it abundantly clear to those who are able to read, as well as having been directly and straight-forwardly obvious as to the nature of the lack of any procedure to access the aforementioned documents by anyone other than myself, I will now describe to you my purposeful, deliberate, and intentional intentions for the trickle-down method of slowly leaking, or trickling, the information contained in said documents down to you, the general workforce and personnel units.

First, you will have to visit this site again later because I'm not going to share, or trickle, much of anything useful (there is nothing useful anyway) at this point. Note: SUBSCRIBING to this site is a great way to keep tabs on breaking, or trickling, information and changes to the site. It's very simple, the links are to the right, use them. It's idiot proof in most languages. Although English sometimes presents a challenge for us.

Secondly, the information contained in the documents may be presented in it's original form or not. For example: the title of the post may be the original document name, or, contrarily, conversely, and maybe even convexly squeezed into posts on other topics. Those cognizant of this will find the founding documents pertinent to all topics by virtue of their unimportance and dis-relationship to everything important. When used in the later manner, the documents will be sited as reference material for proving fiction to be false (which makes it true fiction, as previously discussed).

So, subscribe and stay tuned for excerpts or publication of documents such as:

The Mistake
The Origin of Broke
225 Horses are Bound to Kick Something
The Great Amoeba Controversy
CLOCKS and Other Miscellaneous Items of Question
File #23: Shackleford
File #72: Flabbershack and Co.
The Anatomy of a Lint Ball
--Countless P.T.B.F.O.s---
...and much more.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Top 9 Reasons Why This is Not a Top 10 List

1) There are only nine reasons on the list.

2) Top 10 lists are popular.

3) Top 10 list are popular because you all have short attention spans. This list is better because it's shorter. That's why it's shorter; to make it better.

4) Earlier this year, Congress passed a law that changed the qualifications for list-making. Before the law, it only took two items to be considered a list. Now, it takes more than two. That means it could take three, or four, or 2.1. In protest to this new law, and governments intrusion into the list list business, we refuse to create lists with an even number of items.

5) There is no "10" in a hexadecimal numbering system.

6) We love you.

7) When Ones and Zeros get together, they tear sh*t up.

8) Have you ever heard of a "Top Nine List"?

9) See number 10.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Hey Captain! You Suck at Rummy!

Whoa! I'm finally back. I don't have much time as I am still being debriefed. (It has as much to do with pant-removal as it does spewing forth information).

I know you are all wondering where I've been for the past month. I am also fairly certain that everything has fallen into chaos without your fearless, honorable, handsome and modest leader. I assure you I will restore order around here once this is all over.

As you do not know, I was sailing in the Sea of Cortez in mid-July. Things went horribly wrong. Ladies and Gentlemen, you had better be sitting down for this: I was abducted by pirates. That's right. I would not doubt if they were aliens too, but definitely pirates. I cannot begin to describe the atrocities that I suffered at the hands of these barbarians. Well, maybe I could.

I was forced to play rummy for at least three hours. There was no cell service or Internet. They did have satellite TV, but just one channel, GOL-TV, soccer 24/7. I asked how they got that service. They told me it was pirated. Duh.

The one guy (I called him the Captain because of the hook) was so arrogant and demeaning that I contemplated making fun of his wooden leg, but I didn't. He claims that he beat me at rummy every time. He refuses to see that 5, 8, Jack is not a lay-downable set.

I still haven't processed the whole ordeal. Just writing about it brings the horror right back. I don't think I can continue. Please understand that I will come out of this experience stronger and more knowledgeable about soccer than ever before. And, if I ever meet the Captain again.......It's Rummy by the Rules!!

I still don't think they have a clue who they were messing with. Please refer to a previous post for our Pirate Policy.