Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Crock Purchases Global Climate Change

Once they changed the name of "Global Warming" to "Climate Change" we knew it was a crock. Now, since we have been proven correct, we thought it was time to make this thing one of ours. We purchased it. That's right, Crock, Inc. now owns Global Climate Change.

Is it too hot where you live? Not to worry, we'll be there to scoop up some of your hot and transport it too somewhere cold using nothing but sweet-talk and happy thoughts. Then, you guessed it, we move the cold over to the hot by wishing upon a star(I have yet to hear a good explanation as to what happens after we remove the hot but before we replace it with cold. It's probably something like Nebraska). Got unwanted rain? There are other places that could use it. Our specialized scientists and can "magic" the atmosphere by singing "Rain Rain Go Away". Yes they can actually change the climate around the globe.

I know what you're thinking; "Bullshit!"

But wait, the bullshit is you! See, you've already forgotten that we are the most superior. There are a few things you never do: Don't flip off a police officer, don't eat a fat man's last cupcake, and never call bullshit on Crock, Inc. Speaking of bullshit, did I mention that cow farts (and Energy Ninjas) were included in the purchase. Yessir indeed. Apparently they help the climate with it's new and improved changin' action.

Google this and see what you get; "global warming crock". Yeah. It's gotten some press. That's why we've decided that it will now be known as " Global Climate Change, L.L.C., a wholly-owned subsidiary of Crock, Inc.".

Call me on Monday. We'll do lunch. Bullshit.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The New Undisputed Leader in Superiority

The results are in and Crock, Inc. is now the best at being the best.

In last week's poll of twenty-seven citizens of earth, thirty-six of them chose Crock, Inc. as the company that comes to mind when they think of Superiority. It doesn't get much better than that. Last year, we fell just short in the same poll when all twenty-seven surveyed said that someone other than Crock, Inc. came to mind, making us the 2nd most superior company in the universe.

This year, several factors may have played a role in giving us the undeniable edge. The poor state of the global economic situation has eliminated fourteen of our non-competitors. Plus, with so many unemployed in the U.S., people are starting to see the value of a non-existent corporation like Crock, Inc. Since we now employ over six people for every none on our payroll, the discrepancies between the number of votes and the number of people surveyed is easily explainable.

Now that we are not only the best ever because we claim such as fact, such is now actually a fictitious fact. (This concept of fictitious fact has been discussed in detail and is crucial in understanding the success of Crock,Inc., see the end of this post)(Notice how we link to ourselves here...another sure sign that we are indeed the best). With our new-found gloat material, we are planning several new marketing endeavors to assure that everyone knows that we know we are more superior than the other superior companies out there (or in here). It is also important to note that, in some cases, superiority is measured on a comparative scale based on actual performance in a given market segment. It goes without saying that it is much easier to become sort-of superior in a particular industry than it is to become completely and totally 100% dominatingly superior at being superior. This is in fact what Crock,Inc. has done....and we couldn't have done it without me. That is why I want to take the time now in this forum to thank myself for all of my hard work and imagination in discovering the potential of this corporation to rise to level at which it has always been but now is undeniably proven to be and stated in black and white right here in this post. In other words, I said it, I did it all by myself, and it is so. Thanks me!

As the universal leader in superiority, you can expect that we will be promoting said superiority in the most superior manner we can devise. We will continue to be the best at being better than everyone else. Even if others are better than us at something, no one will be better at nothing than us. We will remain the most superior at everything we do, which is nothing, and we have no competition in this arena.

Once again, I thank myself.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

H1N1- There's not much time. Please Panic Quickly.

Please remain hysterical! The H1N1 virus will surely kill you this winter. Our advice: start looting right now! (Actually, you should probably contact our legal department. We have arranged for each and every employee to receive a free will and testament to insure that your legacy does not end up being divided by the state. Instead, it will go directly to the hands of the only people who have the ability to spend it responsibly, Crock ,Inc.)

If you would like to prolong your certain death you can try washing your hands every 2 1/2 minutes, wear a breathing mask, and never ever leaving your house. Myself, I can't figure out why anyone would want to prolong it. Once this first wave of swine flu makes its rounds, civilization as we know it will cease to exist....and that's the good news.

The bad news is, even if you don't have the swine flu, you do have the swine flu. If your doctor tests you for something that is not the swine flu, and it comes back positive, then you probably have the swine flu. It's hopeless, really.

I read an article in the Arnold-Imperial Leader (a Missouri newspaper) with the headline; Two students from Windsor reported to have swine flu. Obviously, the headline is enough. There is no need to read the actual story, especially not the second paragraph where it states the the doctor did not actually test these kids for the H1N1 virus, but they tested positive for Influenza Type A. "But", the article said, "It is most likely that theses kids have swine flu because its too early for the regular flu."

Isn't that precious? We use this type of thinking quite often here at Crock, Inc. Like when we receive a complaint about our products or services. We tell the complainers that we'll get to the bottom of it. Then we ask a satisfied customer if they have ever experienced the same problem. As you might guess, they usually answer "no". Then we call the complaining bitch/moaner back and tell them that we checked into it and it appears that there is no problem whatsoever because we tested another customer and they are fine. We tell them to grab another bag of Cheetos and sit there in their own filth and try to figure out how to bother someone else with their incessant whining. "Don't ever call us again", we say. "Let not the word Crock pass through your lips again in this life. Pull your blinds tight lest the outside world see your shame in the light of day. Do not leave your house of unsanitary bliss. That should keep you healthy for a while longer. But of course you are doomed anyway."

Our official policy on the swine flu pandemic is as follows: Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

Please refrain from taking measures to reduce the spread of this virus so that we will all become stronger unless we are dead. And by all means, Panic quickly.

Thank You.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Guns: Great for Killing People, But Do They Have Other Uses?

Surprisingly, the answer is "YES".

While we all know that the main purpose of a gun is to kill people, there are some other uses that may not come easily to mind when the subject (of guns, or killing people) arises at the water cooler. In the interest of saving lives, I would like to pass along some of these uses.

Among the secondary purposes for firearms, I am the most partial to "Brandishing". In case you are not familiar with the term, brandishing in the sense used here, is when a firearm is handled in a conspicuous manor, allowing all within eyesight to know of it's presence and subsequently feel intimidation as intended. Generally, when this technique is used, the gun's primary use becomes unnecessary. Sometimes, you may need to add a verbal compliment to brandishing activity in order to obtain the full effect. I suggest shouting phrases like; "Everyone down on the floor now or I'll remind you what this thing is for!", or " I'm not sure if you are aware but this is a gun and it's normally used to kill people!"(actually, the second one saves a step due to the fact that you have in fact already reminded them what a gun is for).

Another oft overlooked use for a gun is "pistol whipping". This is an activity akin to "bitch-slapping" where the gun is held in hand whilst that hand is wreaking havoc upon a persons face, head, neck, ribcage, and/or back. Believe it or not, this works with a rifle or shotgun as well. Normally, the victim of a "pistol-whippin'" will fall to the ground immediately (sometimes they will say "ouch dude!") and killing them will not be necessary.

Although there are many more uses for guns, I will offer this final activity; paperweighting. I prefer the 45 caliber handgun for this. It will certainly hold the papers in place under most circumstances and it is small enough to allow you to see the papers underneath. This is actually a dual-purpose purpose for a gun. While the gun is holding your important documents firmly on your desk amidst the relentless ceiling-fan-force gale, it is also being brandished. Believe me, every visitor to your office will notice the weapon and, in most cases, they won't make you kill them with it. Granted, there will be the occasional curious soul who asks, "Is that real?". When this happens, try adding the verbal compliments suggested above. If that fails to satisfy the curiosity, I suggest moving immediately to pistol-whipping.

I hope this article has given you some things to think about. Perhaps you can even come up with your own ways to use your gun that does not require killing people. If I've saved one life by writing this, it was well worth the effort. If I've saved three lives, I'm money ahead. If I've saved more than three lives, well, then I will erect a monument to myself right next to the other monument to me in the front lawn of the HZ. (Stay tuned to this blog if you don't know what HZ means). Please, don't send me ideas like; hunting, or target practice. These activities fell out of favor around the time of the great east-coast-rappers vs. west-coast-rappers war that claimed the lives of Tupac and Biggie.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Additions to Company Policy Regarding Wii Play

As you should know, company policy prohibits the use of Wii gaming systems and related accessories while smoking on company property. If you did not know that, please review your employee handbook, page 19177 under the heading; Things we don't allow you to do while smoking on company property.

Another Wii-related policy can be found on Page 1475 under the heading; Things you are allowed to do on company property. As you will see, beginning on this page, there is a list of everything you are allowed to do on Crock, Inc. property. Playing the Wii is not listed here. Neither is "not playing the Wii". That presents a conundrum. If you are allowed to play the wii, but yet you are not allowed to not play the wii, what is the deal with that?

We've chosen to completely ignore this contradiction and add an addendum to the back of your handbook that reads;

"If you play the Wii on company property, smoking or not, you are in violation of, and in compliance with company policy. Please make sure you wear the wrist safety strap."

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I Need to Know who Unplugged the Scoreboard

We were well beyond our previous record and each day we set a new record for "Days without a Work-related Death". We had the electronic scoreboard all fancied up and installed on the marquee out front. Last night when I left I specifically remember looking at it and thinking, "One-hundred-twelve days! Really? Now that's impressive!".

As I drove away my chest swelled with pride and my eyes began to water. I was jolted back to reality when I realized that I had mistakenly driven across the walk-bridge that spans the corporate lake/pollution reservoir and out into the yard. It's amazing how the brain works. I mean, the bridge is very narrow yet I kept the car on it without even knowing what I was doing.

I found my way out to the street and headed home. When I arrived and pulled into the garage. It was the damnedest thing, there was a weed eater stuck in my front bumper. I'll tell you right now this kind of thing hasn't happened to me since 2003. I promptly removed the device and never gave it another thought.

Now, this morning when I drove up, I saw a big fat ZERO on the "Days-without-a-work-related-death" scoreboard. Obviously, someone must have unplugged it accidentally.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Significance of Snazzy Pens

I've been thinking lately about how important it is to have a nice pen. Not very. I have pondered this quite some time. As I have met with many powerful and influential people over the years, I have taken note of the pens they use. I have also met with many non-essential humans, such as those whom I would interview for various low-level positions here at Crock, Inc. As I reflect on this matter, I have found that the niceness of one's pen is inversely proportional to one's status in life.

Many times, when I meet with the powerful and influential, I see that they carry a standard Bic 2360 Model click pen, a Scripto 1400 capped ball-point, or other equivalent model. Blue or black ink, it's about 50-50. Sometimes they don't bring a pen at all.

When interviewing candidates for common-folk type positions within this company, I find that they always bring their own pen. Nine times out of ten it's black ink. These things are usually very shiny silver with special grips and explosion-proof technology. I find that interesting.

Did you know that some of the richest people in the world carry handkerchiefs? This is weird. They actually blow their nose on a piece of cloth and then stuff it, snot and all, right back in their pockets. In this case, I wonder why they have ruled out the sleeve option. At least then, when the inter-pocket mingling happens, they wouldn't get snot on their cheap pens. I think that's why the commoners go with the sleeve, you know, because of the fancy pens.

I was also thinking that paper clips are funny. Somewhere, someone owns a business making these things. And staples! What about those? Imagine making staples for a living. I think a paperclip is just a less-permanent staple.

The other day I was talking with our rubber band sales guy and I found out something interesting; Did you know that the average commission on a rubber-band is half a cent per 100,000 units? I'm no mathematician, but how much do you think he takes home per year after taxes? I can't figure it out.

Someone needs to invent something to stop this fan from blowing the papers off of my desk.

I have a friend who's Unlce invented the little plastic tube things that they put on the end of shoelaces. He's a multi-millionaire and he writes with half of a broken crayon, light green.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Accountant Eaten by Spreadsheet!!

I tried to warn him but he wouldn't listen. I told him that I make a mean spreadsheet. He insisted that the only way he could prepare my taxes this year was for me to send him the information in a spreadsheet.

Now, he's gone forever. Taken by the meanest spreadsheet ever created. As we mourn the loss of our corporate accountant, Wendell C. Ventriliquismith, we remember the good times. We recall how his face used to light up when he talked about numbers. We remember how he used to run out of his office at 12:01am April 16th and down a gallon of Chivas Regal, bust the bottle over his head and pass out for six weeks. We're gonna miss that.

Now, for what got him. It was a thing of beauty. 134657 rows. 27842 columns. Color coded. Massive overlapping formulas and interlocking tables. Hidden data. Elaborate marcos with thought translation which enabled the user to think of data and it would instantly appear in the proper fields. I embedded an application that doubles as an electric razor and another that seizes the building environmental control system and matches the weather inside with the weather outside (it rained in Wendell's office yesterday). I even included an earth-friendly feature that turns Carbon Dioxide into bubblegum for the kids. It made time travel possible. My favorite was the formatting of the cells in row 90443. That's the one where dollar signs look like little snakes that whistle the tune of "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran. But that's not what got our buddy Wendell. Apparently he tried to copy and paste within the spreadsheet, which is a big no-no. It briefly altered the fabric of space and time, creating a tiny tear in the universe just long enough to vacuum poor Wendell from his ergonomically-designed accounting chair and into the void forever.

While we're saddened by the parting of our wonderful bean-counter, we cannot prove that he is actually dead and he was volunteering to do my taxes so this is not considered a work-related death. Therefore we do not have to reset the "Days Without a Work-related Death" scoreboard. It will remain at 21. If we make it through today, it will be a new company record of 22 consecutive days without a work-related death. Congratulations everyone!

BTW - we now have an opening in the accounting department.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Clarification of FORM # 236442B

I have received numerous (one) request for clarification as to the proper use of Form # 236442B- Request for Permission to Not Die. As a courtesy to the imbecile who could not figure it out, and also to the rest of you who are too proud to admit that you don't understand, I will explain the document in detail.

This form is to be filled out whenever you feel the need to stay home from work for fear of death. Please notice that there are only three acceptable reasons to use this form, they are listed on the form, but I will list them again here.

A. There is a Meteor on a Collision Course with the Office
B. An Angry Co-worker is wearing a Bomb-vest to Work
3. The Roads are Slick due to either a Winter Storm or Bacon Grease

Any reason not listed here is not a valid reason to miss work. If you miss work for any reason not listed here, or, if you miss work due to a reason listed here but did not fill out the form, did not submit the form for approval, or were not approved even though you filled out the form and submitted it for approval, you are considered absent without notification, even if you notified us that you would be absent due to an approvable reason or a non-approvable reason, and you will not be paid for the missed day. Please also note that approval of your properly completed and submitted form is not guaranteed. Please note as well also too that a properly completed, submitted, and approved form and the subsequent missing of work will result in the use of a personal day. It is very important at this point that you take note of our company policy to disallow the use of personal days for the reasons A, B, and 3 listed above.

To summarize: if you feel that you do not wish to come to work on a particular day because there is a chance you might die, and the reason for your possible death if you were to come to work is one of the items listed above, then you should complete this form and submit it to your supervisor for approval which is not guaranteed. Once submitted, your supervisor may or may not review and return the form to you marked approved or denied within 90 days. If the form is approved, your available balance of personal days will be decreased by one day. If, after your request is approved and your personal day balance is debited, you do not come to work, you will be considered absent without pay due to company policy for the use of personal days. If your available personal day balance is zero prior to completing and submitting the form, your request will not be approved. If your request is denied for any reason, or of it is not approved because of it's denial or non-approval, then you are expected to come to work. If you do not, then your personal day balance, if it is greater than zero, will be debited one day and you will be considered absent without pay per personl-day company policy.

So, if you have any reason to not come to work, approvable death avoidance item or not, the most efficient method of not coming to work is not to fill out the form and submit for approval, but rather to simply stay home. This will result in you being absent without pay. If you have available personal days, you may use one of these and therefore be paid for missing the day of work. Personal days in this case may be used because your reason for missing was not documented as one of the approvable death avoidance items above, and therefore is not disallowed under the company policy.

I hope this has cleared up and misunderstandings.

I might also add that we do not allow Meteors to collide with our offices, Bomb-vests are not approved work attire, and any actions by any person, employee or not, that would abuse bacon grease in such a way as to cause it to be present on a roadway is strictly forbidden.

At this point, I would ask all non-supervisors to stop reading.

For you supervisors; please be aware of our company policy to deny all Requests to Not Die. Approval of such a request is not tolerated and is grounds for dismissal. If you are not a supervisor, please go back and read this post again and try to follow instructions this time.

Thank You.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Request for Permission to Not Die - Document

FORM # 236442B - Request For Permission to Not Die


Employee Number:___________________



Potential for Death (1=Unlikely, 5=In the Bag): 1 2 3 4 5

Cause of Death you are attempting to avoid (Please note: if your reason is not listed here, then it is NOT an approvable Death Avoidance Item)

A. There is a Meteor on a Collision Course with the Office

B. Angry Co-worker wearing wearing Bomb-vest to work

C. Roads are Slick Due to (Choose one): Winter Storm / Bacon Grease

Supervisor Name:___________________________

------------------------------For Office Use Only-----------------------------

Approved Denied

Supervisor Signature________________________________



Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Secure the Northern Border First - If the Geese are any Indication

Perhaps you've heard, a couple of Geese tried to assassinate everyone aboard an Airbus A320 leaving Laguardia Airport on Thursday. They failed, thanks to the pilot's mad skills.

Despite what you might think, the Mexicans were not involved. I know it's hard to believe, but these were Canadian Geese. Canadians, especially the French ones, have never been known for their bravery or selfless acts. But these geese apparently had a mission, one that they knew would ultimately lead to their death. Nevertheless they gave their lives in an attempt to kill the passengers of the jet. That's not to say that the geese are to be heralded as heros. On the contrary. This was a cowardly act that deserves our immediate response.

I have ordered our defense contracting division to re-calibrate the existing secret missile defense system in conjunction with the Distant Early Warning (DEW) radar and satellite network watching the skies over the Canadian border. The re-calibration will allow the early detection and elimination of migratory birds and other flying organisms as they cross our Northern border, allowing the prompt destruction of such airborne enemies.

We must act. These were just geese. If a goose or two can bring down a jet, imagine the damage a flying Canadian human could do. It's almost unthinkable. Picture their flailing bodies plummeting from the skies and throwing themselves into jet engines, or worse, buildings. We must pre-empt this pending attack. I am prepared to do what it takes. Are you with me?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Blagojebitchin' (and FlankSham's Plan for Domination)

To Start, it's ILL-i-NOY, not, ILL-i-NOYZ. That lesson is for the left and right coast media folk who were saddled with the burden of being stuck in flyover country to cover the story and think up a clever name for it, like "Blagogate". Freakin' wizards you are!

Now, on to the people of Illinois. This in not your problem. You see, most people in this country don't realize that Illinois is a real state. Most people hear "Illinois", but think its a synonym for "Chicago". Or maybe they think Illinois is the Native American word for "Place where Chicago lives", and that Chicago is the Native American word for "Large Center of Culture and Industry accidentally located beside a lake instead of the ocean".

Whatever they think, they are missing the fact that 13 million people call Illinois home. Five million of these people live in Cook County and another 3 million in the counties that surround it. (Don't look it up. Just trust me.) So there are like 8 million out of the 13 million state residents who live in "Chicagoland". That makes it very easy for Chicago to run the state. The problem is, even Chicago residents forget that there is life below Joliet. A roving band of wild political attack-dogs could rampage through the mighty kingdom of Chi-town in a matter of a week of two and effectively turn elections. When this happens, the end result is an anomaly, a political abnormality that would never occur naturally. For example, someone named Rod gets elected Governor.

Since natural elections cannot occur in the state of Illinois, our man Flanksham has us covered. You see, for years now Flanksham has been operating a little-known division of Crock, Inc. out of a garage somewhere south of Beecher City, Illinois. The multi-million dollar Military-Grade Voice and Data Network Infrastructure Surplus Materials Resale Division is unofficially the world's largest e-Bay store.

FlankSham has formulated a plan to take back the state in which his division operates. As he puts it, "If you're going to take over the world, you gotta start in Illinois".

Under this plan, FlankSham will use revenue's generated from his MGVDNISMR Division to fund a program he calls "Operation Stay Home Chicago". The operation begins with the 2012 election cycle. In exchange for all Chicago area voters staying home on election day and not casting ballots, program operatives will retrofit the lockers of each member of the Chicago Cubs Team with pictures of a real true genuine official World Series Ring. That should keep them happy for another hundred-plus years. Not to mention, it allows downstate voters to have a voice. That's the American way!

Thank You FlankSham!