Perhaps you've heard, a couple of Geese tried to assassinate everyone aboard an Airbus A320 leaving Laguardia Airport on Thursday. They failed, thanks to the pilot's mad skills.
Despite what you might think, the Mexicans were not involved. I know it's hard to believe, but these were Canadian Geese. Canadians, especially the French ones, have never been known for their bravery or selfless acts. But these geese apparently had a mission, one that they knew would ultimately lead to their death. Nevertheless they gave their lives in an attempt to kill the passengers of the jet. That's not to say that the geese are to be heralded as heros. On the contrary. This was a cowardly act that deserves our immediate response.
I have ordered our defense contracting division to re-calibrate the existing secret missile defense system in conjunction with the Distant Early Warning (DEW) radar and satellite network watching the skies over the Canadian border. The re-calibration will allow the early detection and elimination of migratory birds and other flying organisms as they cross our Northern border, allowing the prompt destruction of such airborne enemies.
We must act. These were just geese. If a goose or two can bring down a jet, imagine the damage a flying Canadian human could do. It's almost unthinkable. Picture their flailing bodies plummeting from the skies and throwing themselves into jet engines, or worse, buildings. We must pre-empt this pending attack. I am prepared to do what it takes. Are you with me?
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