To Start, it's ILL-i-NOY, not, ILL-i-NOYZ. That lesson is for the left and right coast media folk who were saddled with the burden of being stuck in flyover country to cover the story and think up a clever name for it, like "Blagogate". Freakin' wizards you are!
Now, on to the people of Illinois. This in not your problem. You see, most people in this country don't realize that Illinois is a real state. Most people hear "Illinois", but think its a synonym for "Chicago". Or maybe they think Illinois is the Native American word for "Place where Chicago lives", and that Chicago is the Native American word for "Large Center of Culture and Industry accidentally located beside a lake instead of the ocean".
Whatever they think, they are missing the fact that 13 million people call Illinois home. Five million of these people live in Cook County and another 3 million in the counties that surround it. (Don't look it up. Just trust me.) So there are like 8 million out of the 13 million state residents who live in "Chicagoland". That makes it very easy for Chicago to run the state. The problem is, even Chicago residents forget that there is life below Joliet. A roving band of wild political attack-dogs could rampage through the mighty kingdom of Chi-town in a matter of a week of two and effectively turn elections. When this happens, the end result is an anomaly, a political abnormality that would never occur naturally. For example, someone named Rod gets elected Governor.
Since natural elections cannot occur in the state of Illinois, our man Flanksham has us covered. You see, for years now Flanksham has been operating a little-known division of Crock, Inc. out of a garage somewhere south of Beecher City, Illinois. The multi-million dollar Military-Grade Voice and Data Network Infrastructure Surplus Materials Resale Division is unofficially the world's largest e-Bay store.
FlankSham has formulated a plan to take back the state in which his division operates. As he puts it, "If you're going to take over the world, you gotta start in Illinois".
Under this plan, FlankSham will use revenue's generated from his MGVDNISMR Division to fund a program he calls "Operation Stay Home Chicago". The operation begins with the 2012 election cycle. In exchange for all Chicago area voters staying home on election day and not casting ballots, program operatives will retrofit the lockers of each member of the Chicago Cubs Team with pictures of a real true genuine official World Series Ring. That should keep them happy for another hundred-plus years. Not to mention, it allows downstate voters to have a voice. That's the American way!
Thank You FlankSham!
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