Pondering the Pros and Cons of an Underground Society

I wonder if there will be cell service when we all live and work in the center of the earth? I am anticipating that there will a hefty cooling bill, but I assume we will be able to use geo-thermal. I'm guessing solar power won't help much. Oh well, at least there won't be mosquitos. Or will there? It is the center of the earth. (I feel your pain faithful employees!) Who would have thought your job could get any closer to hell? It might even be IN actual hell. If so, then at least we can answer the question about cell serivce. It'll be T-Mobile, the official wireless company of hell.

Blagojebitchin' (and FlankSham's Plan for Domination)

To Start, it's ILL-i-NOY, not, ILL-i-NOYZ. That lesson is for the left and right coast media folk who were saddled with the burden of being stuck in flyover country to cover the story and think up a clever name for it, like "Blagogate". Freakin' wizards you are!

Now, on to the people of Illinois. This in not your problem. You see, most people in this country don't realize that Illinois is a real state. Most people hear "Illinois", but think its a synonym for "Chicago". Or maybe they think Illinois is the Native American word for "Place where Chicago lives", and that Chicago is the Native American word for "Large Center of Culture and Industry accidentally located beside a lake instead of the ocean".

Whatever they think, they are missing the fact that 13 million people call Illinois home. Five million of these people live in Cook County and another 3 million in the counties that surround it. (Don't look it up. Just trust me.) So there are like 8 million out of the 13 million state residents who live in "Chicagoland". That makes it very easy for Chicago to run the state. The problem is, even Chicago residents forget that there is life below Joliet. A roving band of wild political attack-dogs could rampage through the mighty kingdom of Chi-town in a matter of a week of two and effectively turn elections. When this happens, the end result is an anomaly, a political abnormality that would never occur naturally. For example, someone named Rod gets elected Governor.

Since natural elections cannot occur in the state of Illinois, our man Flanksham has us covered. You see, for years now Flanksham has been operating a little-known division of Crock, Inc. out of a garage somewhere south of Beecher City, Illinois. The multi-million dollar Military-Grade Voice and Data Network Infrastructure Surplus Materials Resale Division is unofficially the world's largest e-Bay store.

FlankSham has formulated a plan to take back the state in which his division operates. As he puts it, "If you're going to take over the world, you gotta start in Illinois".

Under this plan, FlankSham will use revenue's generated from his MGVDNISMR Division to fund a program he calls "Operation Stay Home Chicago". The operation begins with the 2012 election cycle. In exchange for all Chicago area voters staying home on election day and not casting ballots, program operatives will retrofit the lockers of each member of the Chicago Cubs Team with pictures of a real true genuine official World Series Ring. That should keep them happy for another hundred-plus years. Not to mention, it allows downstate voters to have a voice. That's the American way!

Thank You FlankSham!

The Reason for the Purpose of the Mission

I just dropped in to see what condition our mission was in.

I check in on the Guidance Coordinator from time to time. He's the guy who coordinates the lady who guides the guy who is in charge of making sure we, as a company, stay on track, focused on our goals, and are true to our core values.

This years mission was: Continue to Build Upon Last Year's Mission. Last years mission was: Come up with a Better Mission for Next Year.

I'm told we're on track. That feels good.

I mentioned our Core Values. I think this would be a good time to review those. Here they are:

Honesty: Commitment to the Truth. We tell you right up front that we can't be trusted, that we're making it up as we go. We let you know that nothing we say is true or has any point to it, or, if it does, we make sure it is so ridiculous that you don't care anymore.

Integrity: Doing the Right Thing. Like not stealing purses from old ladies, which we haven't done for months now.

Trust: but verify. Even if it means asking things like; "Are you sure you scaled the Washington Monument?" or "Why does your green card have typos?"

Character: You will meet a lot of these around here.

Respect: (I forget what this means. I think it's something to do with not making fun of ugly people or midgets)

Humility: Remembering that there is more for us to do as a company than just be the best ever at everything in the universe. (Like what? Examples please?)

Caring/Fairness: Justice tempered with Compassion. We know when to terminate employment and when to stage a "tragic accident".

Diversity: Embrace Differences, as long as there are not too many of them.

Openness: Encourage dialogue and reflective thought. (This does not mean that I will disclose my salary to you).

Empowerment: Authority to Make Decisions. I have it. You don't. Na Na ne Na Na!

Personal Mastery: Have you mastered yourself lately?