Paperwork: The Metamorphosis

Got problems? Paperwork is the answer. 

Marvelous, powerful paperwork.

 

It won’t replace a broken garbage disposal. It won’t cut the grass. It certainly won’t cure a hangover, at least not for you at home. But paperwork can fix any problem a business faces.

 

That’s what I said. 

 

I challenge you to think of one problem your employer has solved without paperwork. Even when it is possible to solve the problem another way, businesses choose paperwork every time. That’s how powerful it is.

 

Fixing the broken garbage disposal in the breakroom sink requires a work order. 

 

Cutting the grass on the office grounds requires a contract with the lawncare provider.

 

If businesses could get hangovers, you can bet there would be a form for that, but they can’t, because of the policy against it. Policies are paperwork.

 

Sometimes, businesses use paperwork to prevent problems from occurring in the first place. This is known as preemptive paperwork, and it’s just as magnificent as regular paperwork. Development of preemptive paperwork takes a mixture of foresight and cynicism. If you are good at those two things, you’ll make your employer very happy.

 

When businesses are happy, everyone is happy. Believe me when I say, paperwork makes businesses happy. 

 

Mighty, mighty paperwork.

It has been here a long time, maybe forever. Find the oldest person you know and ask, “How old is paperwork?”

They’ll say, “Hell if I know. It was here when I got here. Now be quiet. I’m trying to alphabetize my ‘scriptions.” 

Timeless, enduring paperwork. 

That doesn’t mean it hasn’t changed or evolved. In fact, it is in the middle of a metamorphosis.

 

Documents, forms, letters, contracts, reports, statements, memoranda…pink slips.

 

These were the crème de la crème of paperwork back when we had to print it and distribute it throughout the office or send it in envelopes through the mail. 

 

Then, technology swooped down like an angel, a futuristic digital angel, allowing for instant distribution of paperwork to any desk in the world via email. 

 

Delightful.

 

Just when we thought paperwork couldn’t get any more powerful, along came smart phones. 

 

Splendid.

 

No more waiting to get to your desk to receive your paperwork. You could get it delivered directly to your pocket or purse. Think of it. Precious, beloved paperwork, in your pocket, in an instant.

 

If you are under a certain age, you probably think things have always been this fabulous. You may believe we have always been able to access the problem-solving prowess of paperwork, any time we wanted, from our phones. It may be difficult for you to imagine a time when paperwork existed only as physical sheets of parchment, or a time when forms had to be printed and filled out by hand.

 

I understand it’s hard to picture such a hassle-filled existence. I sometimes wonder how we survived.

 

The blessings kept coming. 

 

After receiving the gifts of email and smartphones, down swooped our futuristic digital hero angel once again. Technology graciously bestowed upon us the ability to receive, complete, and submit paperwork without the need for paper at all.

 

We could suddenly complete forms, sign contracts, acknowledge terms of service, and subscribe to things we didn’t need, and we could do it from the bus station, the park, the toilet.

 

Maybe we didn’t survive after all because it sure seemed like we had entered the kingdom of heaven.

 

Any observable limits to the power of paperwork disappeared. The digital transformation had arrived, making the world a better place for everyone. It became the paperless utopia you see now, with equal access to paperwork for all.

 

And the best part? No more unsightly sheets of paper cluttering desks, littering our otherwise pristine streets, or blowing around the breathtaking landscapes of our treasured office parks. No more reams of paper stacked to the ceiling, clogging hallways, blocking emergency exits, killing people.

 

In the offices of the past, you would find cabinets lined up in rows, devoted solely to storage of paperwork. Rooms were created to store the cabinets and people were employed whose only job was to fill them.

 

That wasn’t enough. 

 

Storage space was in such demand that entire buildings were constructed to house massive amounts of paperwork. The buildings were electromagnetically insulated and thermodynamically cooled to contain the intense energy within their walls. Those who went alone into these dimly lit, dank, cavernous places, were never seen again, presumably vaporized by the concentration of paperwork power present there. 

 

It was one of the darkest periods in our history. If you don’t remember this, count yourself lucky. Some of us still have scars from paper cuts, reminding us of the living nightmare.

 

Thankfully, those days are over. The paperless age is here, and we’ve all breathed a sigh of relief. Paperwork is more powerful than ever, but it is simpler now. Without the paper it’s just work.

 

Filing cabinets, along with the rooms and buildings that housed them are things of the past. The earth is safe now. Less trees murdered. Less litter. Less storage space to build and maintain. Less people vaporized.

 

Technology has enabled paperwork to thrive outside the physical realm, improving the environment for all of us in the process.

 

Now, in the final phase of improvements, we just need to make sure our hallowed technology is comfortable. It needs room to stretch its sacred wings. We can no longer have our futuristic digital angel cramped into closets or jammed into pockets. No, no. If we want to continue having our paperless paperwork available wherever and whenever, we must look after the technology that makes it possible.

 

It doesn’t take much to enable the final stage of the metamorphosis, just many many million square feet of buildings with electromagnetic shielding and thermodynamic cooling.

 

Our technology must be content and well-fed so it can continue to improve our lives and sustain the planet that supports us…and so it doesn’t eat us. 

 

Can we do it? Can we sustain this paradise we’ve built on the power of paperwork? Will business continue in happiness and bliss into the future? 

 

You bet.

 

How do I know this is true? 

 

Because the paperwork has been submitted, and it has been approved.