Paperwork: The Metamorphosis

Got problems? Paperwork is the answer. 

Marvelous, powerful paperwork.

 

It won’t replace a broken garbage disposal. It won’t cut the grass. It certainly won’t cure a hangover, at least not for you at home. But paperwork can fix any problem a business faces.

 

That’s what I said. 

 

I challenge you to think of one problem your employer has solved without paperwork. Even when it is possible to solve the problem another way, businesses choose paperwork every time. That’s how powerful it is.

 

Fixing the broken garbage disposal in the breakroom sink requires a work order. 

 

Cutting the grass on the office grounds requires a contract with the lawncare provider.

 

If businesses could get hangovers, you can bet there would be a form for that, but they can’t, because of the policy against it. Policies are paperwork.

 

Sometimes, businesses use paperwork to prevent problems from occurring in the first place. This is known as preemptive paperwork, and it’s just as magnificent as regular paperwork. Development of preemptive paperwork takes a mixture of foresight and cynicism. If you are good at those two things, you’ll make your employer very happy.

 

When businesses are happy, everyone is happy. Believe me when I say, paperwork makes businesses happy. 

 

Mighty, mighty paperwork.

It has been here a long time, maybe forever. Find the oldest person you know and ask, “How old is paperwork?”

They’ll say, “Hell if I know. It was here when I got here. Now be quiet. I’m trying to alphabetize my ‘scriptions.” 

Timeless, enduring paperwork. 

That doesn’t mean it hasn’t changed or evolved. In fact, it is in the middle of a metamorphosis.

 

Documents, forms, letters, contracts, reports, statements, memoranda…pink slips.

 

These were the crème de la crème of paperwork back when we had to print it and distribute it throughout the office or send it in envelopes through the mail. 

 

Then, technology swooped down like an angel, a futuristic digital angel, allowing for instant distribution of paperwork to any desk in the world via email. 

 

Delightful.

 

Just when we thought paperwork couldn’t get any more powerful, along came smart phones. 

 

Splendid.

 

No more waiting to get to your desk to receive your paperwork. You could get it delivered directly to your pocket or purse. Think of it. Precious, beloved paperwork, in your pocket, in an instant.

 

If you are under a certain age, you probably think things have always been this fabulous. You may believe we have always been able to access the problem-solving prowess of paperwork, any time we wanted, from our phones. It may be difficult for you to imagine a time when paperwork existed only as physical sheets of parchment, or a time when forms had to be printed and filled out by hand.

 

I understand it’s hard to picture such a hassle-filled existence. I sometimes wonder how we survived.

 

The blessings kept coming. 

 

After receiving the gifts of email and smartphones, down swooped our futuristic digital hero angel once again. Technology graciously bestowed upon us the ability to receive, complete, and submit paperwork without the need for paper at all.

 

We could suddenly complete forms, sign contracts, acknowledge terms of service, and subscribe to things we didn’t need, and we could do it from the bus station, the park, the toilet.

 

Maybe we didn’t survive after all because it sure seemed like we had entered the kingdom of heaven.

 

Any observable limits to the power of paperwork disappeared. The digital transformation had arrived, making the world a better place for everyone. It became the paperless utopia you see now, with equal access to paperwork for all.

 

And the best part? No more unsightly sheets of paper cluttering desks, littering our otherwise pristine streets, or blowing around the breathtaking landscapes of our treasured office parks. No more reams of paper stacked to the ceiling, clogging hallways, blocking emergency exits, killing people.

 

In the offices of the past, you would find cabinets lined up in rows, devoted solely to storage of paperwork. Rooms were created to store the cabinets and people were employed whose only job was to fill them.

 

That wasn’t enough. 

 

Storage space was in such demand that entire buildings were constructed to house massive amounts of paperwork. The buildings were electromagnetically insulated and thermodynamically cooled to contain the intense energy within their walls. Those who went alone into these dimly lit, dank, cavernous places, were never seen again, presumably vaporized by the concentration of paperwork power present there. 

 

It was one of the darkest periods in our history. If you don’t remember this, count yourself lucky. Some of us still have scars from paper cuts, reminding us of the living nightmare.

 

Thankfully, those days are over. The paperless age is here, and we’ve all breathed a sigh of relief. Paperwork is more powerful than ever, but it is simpler now. Without the paper it’s just work.

 

Filing cabinets, along with the rooms and buildings that housed them are things of the past. The earth is safe now. Less trees murdered. Less litter. Less storage space to build and maintain. Less people vaporized.

 

Technology has enabled paperwork to thrive outside the physical realm, improving the environment for all of us in the process.

 

Now, in the final phase of improvements, we just need to make sure our hallowed technology is comfortable. It needs room to stretch its sacred wings. We can no longer have our futuristic digital angel cramped into closets or jammed into pockets. No, no. If we want to continue having our paperless paperwork available wherever and whenever, we must look after the technology that makes it possible.

 

It doesn’t take much to enable the final stage of the metamorphosis, just many many million square feet of buildings with electromagnetic shielding and thermodynamic cooling.

 

Our technology must be content and well-fed so it can continue to improve our lives and sustain the planet that supports us…and so it doesn’t eat us. 

 

Can we do it? Can we sustain this paradise we’ve built on the power of paperwork? Will business continue in happiness and bliss into the future? 

 

You bet.

 

How do I know this is true? 

 

Because the paperwork has been submitted, and it has been approved.

What the Media Won't Tell You About Periodical Cicada Brood XIX

 

With eyes of crimson and bodies black as tar, they scream incessantly in coordinated waves, tormenting all living souls. 

Cicadas...each individual is but a part of the demonic collective, one that exhibits signs of a bad mood after being buried in dirt for thirteen years.. 

Now, the collective has surfaced, escaped from its earthen sarcophagus to rage aloud, to spread word of the awakening. The weight of 112 trillion cicadas is too much for some trees to bear, while 224 trillion beady, blood-red eyes marvel at the destruction.

The awakening, and the blistering racket it brings, has an impact on more than just trees...it invades homes like yours. 

It punctures the shingles, penetrates the brick, vibrates the nails and rumbles the wood, accelerating the natural breakdown. Wind and rain, sun, ice and snow would take years to corrupt these materials, but the grotesque sound, the cacophony of the cicada collective, does it in a single summer. 

It rattles your familiar walls, shaking loose the secrets held there, spilling them out during your family dinner, ruining it for everyone -- as if you weren't going to ruin it yourself.

Some people become mildly irritated by the undulating noise, while others are driven to madness.

I happen to live in the area plagued by a specific demonic collective known as Periodical Cicada Brood XIX. If you live in this area, I'm sure you've heard enough about cicadas lately to write a Wikipedia page, and you're probably sick of their group buzzing exercises. 

I won't rehash all the media hype. I am here to tell you the things the media refuses to discuss.

As I mentioned before, some people are driven to madness by the cicada's chorus. This is not just a turn of phrase, it is the truth. 

No one wants to talk about the fact that a few thousand cicada's oscillating in harmony create distorted sound waves that are incompatible with the human ear. These waves breach the ear canal to infiltrate the brain. Unchecked by the ear drum, they cause physical harm to brain matter.

Even worse, the pressure created by the dour symphony squeezes on the skin, diving into the pores, forcing all manner of filth deep into the body. Bacterium, viruses, residue from lotions, all driven through the soft tissue. The unceasing hum passes through muscle as radiation would, striking the bone, rattling the marrow like a dentist's drill.

It isn't just humans who suffer from exposure to these distorted waves of malevolent music. If you haven't noticed, rabbits are on edge. Deer look annoyed. Squirrels are going nuts.

Bees, moths, mosquitoes, mayflies, and regular flies...they find themselves unable to navigate the invisible fog that clouds the air. Even those sons of bitches known as June-bugs, never known to be skilled aviators,  have increased difficulty running into light bulbs.

Birds do their damnedest to eradicate the plague, but they are outnumbered. Sad, sad birds. Well fed, but sad birds. Valiant, heroic birds.

All of this is disturbing, but not nearly as disturbing as what I am about to tell you.

Cicada-generated aural interference can disrupt radio signals. Television stations will go dark, top 40 radio stations will no longer keep the hits coming. The disruptions in the audible frequency band will block cellular service and disable WiFi networks. 

If cicadas ever decide to coordinate their efforts they will grind our economy to a halt. No more daily packages on the doorstep. No more food delivery options.

Pace makers are ineffective when cicadas are hollering. All forms of DIY medical tests fail. Blood sugar tests, COVID tests, pregnancy tests...all useless. Hearing aids are useless too.

The ghastly howls of the devil's choir prevent LED lights from lighting. They keep microwaves ovens from oven-ing. They bring down aircraft, raise tides, alter the orbit of the moon, and deplete the Earth's magnetic field. 

If cicadas, in their Satanic oneness, ever figure out how to skip their thirteen year nap we're all doomed.

So, to those who are mildly irritated by the sound of these bugs, I say, "Put down the strawberry milkshake, put on some pants, and start screaming back!

God help us all.

Corporate Sell-out Maneuver #1: A Book Promotion

It's been a long time since we've posted anything here, and we have a very good reason for that. The reason is none of anyone's business, but it is a very good one. 

If it was any of your concern, we could tell you the reason we've been gone so long and you would be like; "Oh wow! That is a very good reason. One of the best I've ever heard."

But alas...not your concern. 

So, what brings us back now? 

There is a very good reason for that as well. This time, it is your business. In fact, we will tell you the reason we are suddenly back here, blogging like crazy.

It's because the boss said we are supposed to promote his book.

Here is the book promotion.

 

It is odd that there is some other guy's name on the book. A ghost writer, maybe? Dunno.

We're supposed to mention that the book will be out soon and let you know how you can find out more. 

Apparently, you can find out more about the book and also sign up for updates here.

Now, this is a departure from our standard operating procedure because the book is real. We typically don't deal with real things, so everyone is in a bit of a panic around here. Some of us worry that this may lead to a loss of focus on the normal nonsense and represents a shift to ecommerce. 

Understand, the word "ecommerce" sends shivers down the spines of the Crock, Inc. staff because ecommerce means work. We are averse to work so we would prefer to keep this company focused on providing top-quality nonsense at a reasonable price.

The boss argues that his book fits that description. 

While the book may indeed be nonsense, it appears to be a real and tangible book that will require real and tangible money to purchase. No matter what this book costs when it hits the stores, if it's more than $0.00, it will be the biggest-ticket item we've ever promoted. 

You can see how this would make us nervous.

Anyway, fingers crossed that this will satisfy the boss man. Hopefully we can get back to nonsense now.

The Inspirational Wisdom of Mr. Davies

As I've ascended the ladder of success, I've crossed paths with many wise folks who have provided advice, encouragement, and inspiration to me.  But perhaps the most inspiring inspiration and the wisest wisdom I received came from the late great Marcetius H. Davies III.  He was a contrary old cuss most of the time. Generally, when he talked he was angry and grumbling about something or just in a bitchy mood. But sometimes, every once in a while, if I listened, REALLY listened to what he was saying, there was a profound quality about it. In his lucid moments when he was focused on his message, he delivered life lessons in short bursts, many of which have stuck with me all these years.  I would like to share with you some of the wise wisdom that Marcetius bestowed upon me. Here are some that made the most impact:

For every dollar there's a shoe shine.

A man shaves when he feels like it.

No one ever sailed to Topeka.

If you bought it, you own it.

Don't throw your money.

It's okay to like turtles. They wear their homes.  It's not okay to like people who wear turtles home.

If you make a mistake, you should repeat it three times to make sure it's real.

Saving your loose change will get you murdered in Thailand.

If a friend comes to you in need, help him find a different friend.

The longer your doctor looks at you, the deader you're about to be.

The only person you should allow to tell you to shut up is your own lawyer.

If you want to get a job in this town you have to be at least as smart as a full grown cantaloupe.

You can't dig out of a hole.   You just can't.  It makes no sense.

You can't get gum drops out of headless cat. Unless you put gum drops in a ceramic candy jar shaped like a cat and the head is a lid.

Feelings aren't real things.  Quit your crying.

When a man wants a sandwich he wants a sandwich immediately.

Damn kids keep pissing in the bird bath!

Well, now that I typed these out I'm not sure if I remembered them correctly.  They may not be verbatim, but I think the messages are still there.  Surely you can learn something from these. I know I did.

Four Bad and Deadly Work Habits That Will Kill You Completely Dead

You are doing some things at work that are going to kill you completely dead.  If you are okay with that, you can stop reading this right now.

Since you are still reading, it means that you, like many Americans, do not want to be killed completely dead.  (You'd prefer somewhere between not-quite-dead and slightly injured, I guess). This is good, because that means you have NOT developed the first bad and deadly work habit on our list of bad and deadly work habits that will kill you completely dead, which is; stopping reading things.

Stopping Reading Things
Listen! I understand that reading is boring.  I understand that we all would rather just have someone tell us about the important parts of any written piece.  When we look at an article, for example, we quickly scan headline to determine if we need to read it. Even if we do decide we need to read it, we probably will skim a few words in the first paragraph or two and call it good.  Turn the page. Keep scrolling.  Then, "Oh look!  Dunkin' Donuts has a new breakfast sandwich!", and we're in the car headed to Dunkin'.  Meanwhile, the rest of the article we didn't finish is trying to tell us about the outbreak of salmonella poisoning stemming from the new Dunkin Donuts breakfast sandwich.

Our diarrhea, fever, and abdominal cramps will serve as a nice reminder for us now that we know we could have avoided it all by simply not stopping reading things.  Sure, Salmonella probably won't kill you.  At least not to the point where you consider yourself completely dead. But it's not going to be a whole lot of fun.

What if the thing we stopped reading were a warning label?  If all we see is "CAUTION!", we might have a propensity to be slightly more careful for a few seconds, but we will not have any idea what to be careful of.  This is precisely why, every year in this country, over 45 million people slip on the wet floor, fall, and die from head injuries, despite the fact that the sign was right there telling them "CAUTION! WET FLOOR!".  With our busy lifestyles who has time to read those two extra words?  Well, the over 45 million people who completely died this year would probably make the time if given the chance to not slip and be killed completely dead.

Poor Posture
We have gone to great expense to provide those ergonomic office chairs so that you people will sit up straight with proper posture.  Why is this important?  Because slouching at your desk leads to death, 100% of the time.  Every single person who slouches at their desk will eventually die.  There is no arguing that.  Did you know that your spinal cord is vital to your success in your career?  Poor posture puts unnecessary and unnatural strain on this vital organ.  If your posture is poor enough, you will not be able to stand up to your boss.  Not only will you not be able to defend yourself from his ridiculous accusations and demands, you quite literally will not be able to physically stand up. Your spinal cord will shrivel up into something that resembles a crinkle-cut french fry, which immediately leads to a quick, although painless, death.

Chewing on Pens
Diarrhea, fever, and abdominal cramps are the least of the nasties you can pick up from this bad and deadly habit.  Don't believe me?  In a impartial double-blind covert surveillance mission study conducted by an outside contractor on our behalf painted a horrific picture of just what happens to pens left on desks unattended.  Video footage from the study showed a worker who left her pen on her desk when she went to the copier.  Within 3 seconds of the pen being left unattended, a coworker came by, picked up the pen, scribbled something on a piece of paper, stuck the pen in his nose and dug around a little, then returned the pen to the desk and went on about his business.

In another piece of footage, we witnessed a maintenance worker hose down an unattended pen with industrial-strength pesticide while attempting to mitigate an ant infestation.  Later, when the pen's owner returned, he picked up the pen and, without hesitation, put it directly in his mouth.  Towards the end of that video clip you can clearly see him get cancer.

While germs and contaminants are not pleasant, the study showed a far more disturbing and memorable reason to not chew on pens.  One morning, Justin Haverdasher had just filled his coffee cup and sat down at his desk to get his work day started.  As he did every morning, he picked up his pen and carelessly placed it between his teeth while reaching for the power button on his computer monitor.  Suddenly, without warning, the internal spring mechanism on his clicky-style pen failed. The little clicker piece on the end of the pen shot out of the plastic housing into Justin's mouth.  The velocity was so great that the projectile punctured his esophagus and and exited the back of his neck, becoming lodged in a cubicle divider nearly 50 feet away.  Justin died instantly and completely.

Talking in the Restroom
Freedom of speech is NOT an inalienable right in a restroom.  I'm just letting you know because some people apparently believe that the restroom is a good place to make small talk.  Those people are wrong, and here's why: talking requires one to open their mouth and exchange air through it. That's restroom air!  I don't think many people have ever died from bad smells, but I'm sure you can image what types microbes are present in that particular air.  There are tiny and very deadly molecules floating around in there, just waiting for an open mouth and flapping jaw to infiltrate and destroy.  If you are one that likes to talk in the restroom, perhaps you deserve your fate.  Logic and common sense suggest that one should hold their breath, walk in the bathroom, do their business, wash their hands, and get out of there before they suffocate.

As with previous examples, sickness is not the most dangerous consequence of this bad and deadly habit.  Some people enjoy the privacy the restroom offers.  Talking to them in this setting may make them angry. Sure, they would have to be a truly psychotic monster to get angry enough to kill someone for talking to them in the restroom, but you never know when such a monster is lurking in the next stall.  Why risk it?  Don't talk in the restroom.



In conclusion, if you didn't stop reading this, you may have gained some insight into the dangers of these bad and deadly habits that will kill you completely dead.  Perhaps you have developed one or more of these habits yourself.  If what we've written here saves one life, we've done our job.  We'd even consider it a victory if we've stopped one person from talking in the restroom.