Monday, June 25, 2012

Directions to Walgreen's

There cannot be anyone alive who has ever asked for them. Cannot be. You can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting a Walgreen's store. It's a good thing too. How many times have you suddenly needed allergy medicine, batteries, donuts, and an oscillating fan all at the same time while traveling across town? Thank goodness you don't have to stop at a CVS for directions because you can clearly see the Walgreen's on the adjacent corner next to the Starbuck's with the Wal-mart behind it.
Speaking of may need directions to that joint. Not that you can't find it, but you'll need some kind of manual to operate yourself once you enter the place. Can a guy just get a large coffee? NO! They don't have small, medium, and large sizes. They have tall, grande, and venti. Then you have to sign all these release forms and fill out questionnaires to explain that you just want plain ole black coffee.  (Actual Directions Here)

When you shop at Walgreen's, you serve yourself. You go grab what you need, take it to the register and pay the lady with the blue vest who will rarely bother you unless she has a "register reward" coupon that will save you money on something you're buying anyway. It's so easy. Even that sweaty guy in the greeting card aisle who appears to be intoxicated can do it. You don't have to deal with some condescending punk making you feel like you're the stupid one because you refuse to put foamy dairy products in your morning joe. Besides, I really enjoy the blatant ironies of the Walgreen's experience. Like the lady in front of you buying cough medicine and cigarettes. Or the one demanding her four kids to put the candy back on the shelf because "it's not good for you" while she heaves a basket full of cheap beer and pork rinds onto the counter. I love that. It's so refreshing to see a young man taking responsibility as he buys a pregnancy test and package of condoms. And then there is the broken-spirited forty-something guy who obviously doesn't want to be there but he just ran in to grab some tampons for the wife yet somehow finds himself drawn to the cover of the Cosmopolitan magazine at the register, so he grabs one of those too. I'm assuming he just looks at the pictures. You know damn well he didn't ask for directions. In fact, I bet he would tell you he sometimes turns into the parking lot out of habit on his way home, even though he doesn't need anything.

Sure, you can get all the things that Walgreen's sells and more at the Wal-mart. You can even find a blue-vested lady, but it isn't the same lady nor dies she give a flip about any register rewards. And Wal-mart doesn't have those convenient corner lots. I like them. They're convenient

Sometimes, when I'm at Walgreen's, just for kicks I'll walk up to the lady in the blue vest and say, "I'll have a to-go grande pike place roast, 180 degrees, with a single shot of sugar-free vanilla, stirred please.". She'll just laugh and point me next door to the Starbuck's in front of the Wal-mart adjacent to the CVS. I love her so very much. If only we had a couple of her around this place.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Angela Snook Receives Stapler Upgrade

We are pleased to announce today that our own Mrs. Angela Snook has been issued a new stapler. Angela has requested a new stapler forty-six times over her five-year stint as Assistant Binder of Multi-page Documents. As ABMD, Angela is responsible for stapling report pages together, specifically those reports between two and twelve pages in length. By definition, her role requires a decent stapler even though the pages she staples will be separated again when they reach the desk of the Assistant Report Separator (who suddenly thinks she needs a new staple remover).

Mrs. Snook says she is proud to finally have adequate equipment that will allow her to be more efficient and grow in her career. We regret that it has taken so long to make this possible. Apparently we don't place much emphasis on fulfilling requests from lower level employees.

We certainly believe Angela is deserving of the new stapler. To be accurate though, it isn't exactly new. It has been in storage for over seven years and before that it was used as the community stapler for the Marketing department (actually, they probably didn't use it - they don't do anything that requires touching things).

We also share Angela's belief that she will become more efficient. The Swingline model 1725 is a fine piece of equipment. It's easyload chamber makes refilling a snap, and, it is rated for up to 25 pages. Her old stapler was only rated for ten pages. This made stapling those eleven and twelve page reports very difficult. Once she completes the required three-day operational and safety training course, she'll be clicking away with ease. She'll also find the 1725 to be ergonomically pleasing. It even has the ability to be stood on end, taking up less of her valuable empty desk space.

Please join us in congratulating Angela on her great achievement. We wish her all the success that she desires.