Friday, June 27, 2008

Keep It Up Mr. Unknown Bathroom Graffiti Genius!

....I enjoyed this and thank you for defacing company property. I always wondered how to operate the bacon dispenser. If you're out there, have you ever considered a position as a technical writer?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Stupid Shoes + 17 Mile Wade = Fishing with the Prez

This month's winner fo the Fishing with the Prez Contest was Jerry Malone, father of Janice Malone. Jerry is an engineer in our Unnecessary Mechanical Device Department. His contributions to the company include various inventions. Some of his more noteworthy creations are: the toothpick sharpener, the coat-hanger straightener, the music detector, a device (at present unnamed) that removes the perferations from toilet paper and paper towel rolls, a fancy-maker (used to make normal stuff into fancy stuff), and a car wash washer (it cleans dirty car washes).

Jerry's latest invention, the one that gave him the privelidge to go fishing with me, is his "snake under-arm deodorant application machine". I believe this to be particularly unnecessary as snakes do not normally have a problem with B.O. to my knowledge. For those of you less studied in reptilian biology it is important to know that snakes do not have sweat glands. (Hang on. Sue just handed me a note.) Oh yeah, snakes do not have arms, ultimately causing them to lack under-arms. Wow Jerry, that thing is WAY unnecessary!

Am I off topic again? Damn. Anyway, this month I decided to take Jerry on a wade-fishing expedition down the Sasquageaweausauasha River. (Sasquageaweausauasha is the Cherokee Indian word for "bad taste"). My good friend Lyle Chivers suggested this place saying that "the smallies are tearin' it up" right now. He also claimed that the 17 mile stretch between Fishpiss Falls and Possum Scat Island is the best right now. Note: When Lyle describes distances between 1 and 50 miles, he always says 17 miles.

So Jerry and I got in the river below Fishpiss Falls as the sun crept over the horizon. We waded and fished with some success. The perch were hungry for sure. We caught several dozen ranging in size from almost microscopic to microscopic plus one.

Problems started after the first 70 feet or so. I had selected my footwear that morning based on no particular criteria at all. I wore what I refer to as "water socks". They extremely flexible shoes designed (by people much like Jerry) to be worn in the water. They suck. By the 70 foot mark of our journey the souls of these things were torn to hell by the jagged rocks in the bed of the Sasquageaweausauasha. This caused problems with the walking, which is the primary form of transportation when one is wading. Nevertheless, I continued to fish, and wade, and grimace without audible complaint. Jerry and I continued to catch miniscule perch along with a few bass varying in mouth-size.

We finally made it to Possum Scat Island and got out of the river. I figure the distnace was about 48 miles, or maybe seventeen. When I looked at the bottom of my feet, they were not pleasant. HAve you ever opened up a chirizo burrito with all the fixins? Yeah. Sort of like that.

Someone once said, "a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work." Someone else once added, "If you don't lose your soul in the process."

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Financial Status Report Projection Summary Declaration

Dear Shareholders,

Half-way through the second week of the first month of the third quarter of fiscal year 2008 seems like a good time for an update on the financial state of Crock, Inc. I know you are all wondering what is happening here. You've probably watched anxiously with baited breath as your stock sat there, unchanged, throughout the year thus far. You may have patiently waited for the signal telling you to sell off or, as NSYNC once said, buy, buy, buy. That sign has not appeared to you to this point. Although some have reported seeing the Virgin Mary in a punch-bowl, others a squash that looks like Richard Nixon, no one has witnessed any movement in their Crock, Inc. stock.

The reasons for this are many, and this update may quench your thirst for knowledge as to what-in-blue-blazes is going on right now.

First, we have struggled with some numbers. When we balance our accounts, each time we get the same result. At this point we must believe the numbers. (Forgive me if this is over your head. You may want to consult your accountant for assistance in understanding all of this jargon.) Our financial situational well-being (or not-goodness as the case may be) is derived from this simple formula:

Income - Expenses = Profit (I-E=P).

When using this formula and plugging our to-date numbers in place of the respective letters, and doing the "math", we come up with this answer: P=ZERO.

From this, we can determine that we've spent exactly the same as we've brought in.

How impossible is this?
a) Extremely Impossible
b) Sort-of Impossible
c) Not Very Impossible

If you choose "a", then you are correct. It is extremely impossible for a corporation to spend exactly, to the penny, what they take in, and it's also highly unlikely. That being said, it is barley probable that this could happen. However, we checked it twice. It's true.

This brought us to another conundrum (almost like a P.T.B.F.O.). Since the numbers seem to indicate a lack of profit, to state the obvious, we were perplexed. "Are we a non-profit corporation?", I asked. The board members said no. I said, "Well if we have no profit, then we're a non-profit corporation." This lead to days of debate. They finally convinced my that I was mistaking a "corporation-with-no-profit "for a "not-for-profit" corporation or a charitable organization.

So that is now settled. No more worries about Crock, Inc. becoming charitable. The stock should rise immediately now that this speculation is ended.

At the current pace, we can stay in business indefinitely. It would be very easy for us to simply buy one less roll of toilet paper in the next six months and turn a profit of whatever a roll of toilet paper would have cost us. I think they're like....$36.00 each or so. So shareholders, you may go boldly forth with confidence that we are prepared to take the necessary steps to shore up our perceived value and secure our future. But please note that we most likely won't cut back on toilet paper.

Thank You All,


Tuesday, June 3, 2008

A Burrito Away from Catastrophe - How One Woman Saved Monday

Please join me in thanking Janice "Boobs" Malone for her outstanding contribution to the company, her out-of-the-box thinking, and her clever use of common household items for the betterment of the work-environment.

Before I explain the thank-worthy action that Boobs selflessly executed, allow me to lay some groundwork. You see, yesterday was Monday. As you know, scientifically speaking, Monday is the longest day of the week. I think it's like 46 hours and 22 minutes long or something like that. This long day, coupled with the effects of returning from a two-day break known as a "weekend", can often times cause the atmosphere around the office to be sort of dull, ho-hum, pissy, or otherwise unbearable.

While we're coupling things, let's take the two items coupled above, after having coupled them into one, and couple that with the fact that there are so many assholes working here. In many, all this coupling can cause depression, rage, anxiety, boredom, tension, the feeling that your reason for living is gone (not to mention scurvy). But not Janice.

She had a plan. Yesterday, about 23 hours into the first Monday of the week, she executed this plan flawlessly. Everyone in the office, nay, the building got the chance to break out of that Monday rut. They were forced to drop what they were doing and stand up, stretch, and go outside for some fresh air. If the truth be known, the plan that Janice devised and acted out actually saved lives. Nerpert in the IT Department confided in me that he was about go on a machete-wielding rampage throughout the place before his psychopathic trance was broken by Janice's brilliant effort.

Here's how Janice "Boobs" Malone, Vice-President of Arts, Crafts, and Taste Bud Manipulation, saved lives, revived us all, and made the CNN news ticker:

Around lunchtime (23 o'clock pm), Janice went to the breakroom. She removed her lunch sack from the refrigerator, took out a single microwaveable burrito - bean and cheese I think. She placed the burrito on a decorative paper plate - a nice plaid pattern in shades of brown. She put the burrito/plate combo into the microwave, closed the door, and set it for 13 minutes. She then walked calmly out of the breakroom, down the hall, out the office doors- down the stairs and into the parking lot where she stood and waited. She was hardly able to contain her excitement. She did the best she could, making small-talk with Tammy Gingerale from Inspections.

It wasn't long before she realized that her plan had worked. As the door to the stairwell opened and people began pouring out, she could clearly hear the sound of the fire alarm sirens wailing. As the building occupants emptied onto the parking lot, she managed to keep her cool, asking other co-workers if they set off the alarm.

Eventually, the fire department showed up and found the culprit. The evidence was there; one severely charred, hollowed-out burrito-shaped device on a burned up plaid paper plate in shades of brown, and now black. Janice finally claimed responsibility, but she did a fine job of acting surprised and embarrassed to keep up the act.

After an hour or so, everyone was allowed to return to work, but not before the realization that they were living the most memorable Monday of their lives. Today, they are still talking about it. Knowing what I know now, I realize that her actions quite possibly saved my life and many others. Janice just smiles.

Thanks Boobs.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Have you ever Wondered Where Puppies Come From?

I have the answer!!

Puppies come from a triple-wide mobile home in Tuscon, Arizona.

I've heard there is good money in dog breeding but this is dumb.

Just my luck, I have 796 immediate office staff-members up here. I can one-stop-shop for Christmas presents.

Excuse me ma'am. Do you offer discounts for the ones with missing paws?