Friday, January 30, 2009

Clarification of FORM # 236442B

I have received numerous (one) request for clarification as to the proper use of Form # 236442B- Request for Permission to Not Die. As a courtesy to the imbecile who could not figure it out, and also to the rest of you who are too proud to admit that you don't understand, I will explain the document in detail.

This form is to be filled out whenever you feel the need to stay home from work for fear of death. Please notice that there are only three acceptable reasons to use this form, they are listed on the form, but I will list them again here.

A. There is a Meteor on a Collision Course with the Office
B. An Angry Co-worker is wearing a Bomb-vest to Work
3. The Roads are Slick due to either a Winter Storm or Bacon Grease

Any reason not listed here is not a valid reason to miss work. If you miss work for any reason not listed here, or, if you miss work due to a reason listed here but did not fill out the form, did not submit the form for approval, or were not approved even though you filled out the form and submitted it for approval, you are considered absent without notification, even if you notified us that you would be absent due to an approvable reason or a non-approvable reason, and you will not be paid for the missed day. Please also note that approval of your properly completed and submitted form is not guaranteed. Please note as well also too that a properly completed, submitted, and approved form and the subsequent missing of work will result in the use of a personal day. It is very important at this point that you take note of our company policy to disallow the use of personal days for the reasons A, B, and 3 listed above.

To summarize: if you feel that you do not wish to come to work on a particular day because there is a chance you might die, and the reason for your possible death if you were to come to work is one of the items listed above, then you should complete this form and submit it to your supervisor for approval which is not guaranteed. Once submitted, your supervisor may or may not review and return the form to you marked approved or denied within 90 days. If the form is approved, your available balance of personal days will be decreased by one day. If, after your request is approved and your personal day balance is debited, you do not come to work, you will be considered absent without pay due to company policy for the use of personal days. If your available personal day balance is zero prior to completing and submitting the form, your request will not be approved. If your request is denied for any reason, or of it is not approved because of it's denial or non-approval, then you are expected to come to work. If you do not, then your personal day balance, if it is greater than zero, will be debited one day and you will be considered absent without pay per personl-day company policy.

So, if you have any reason to not come to work, approvable death avoidance item or not, the most efficient method of not coming to work is not to fill out the form and submit for approval, but rather to simply stay home. This will result in you being absent without pay. If you have available personal days, you may use one of these and therefore be paid for missing the day of work. Personal days in this case may be used because your reason for missing was not documented as one of the approvable death avoidance items above, and therefore is not disallowed under the company policy.

I hope this has cleared up and misunderstandings.

I might also add that we do not allow Meteors to collide with our offices, Bomb-vests are not approved work attire, and any actions by any person, employee or not, that would abuse bacon grease in such a way as to cause it to be present on a roadway is strictly forbidden.

At this point, I would ask all non-supervisors to stop reading.

For you supervisors; please be aware of our company policy to deny all Requests to Not Die. Approval of such a request is not tolerated and is grounds for dismissal. If you are not a supervisor, please go back and read this post again and try to follow instructions this time.

Thank You.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Request for Permission to Not Die - Document

FORM # 236442B - Request For Permission to Not Die


Employee Number:___________________



Potential for Death (1=Unlikely, 5=In the Bag): 1 2 3 4 5

Cause of Death you are attempting to avoid (Please note: if your reason is not listed here, then it is NOT an approvable Death Avoidance Item)

A. There is a Meteor on a Collision Course with the Office

B. Angry Co-worker wearing wearing Bomb-vest to work

C. Roads are Slick Due to (Choose one): Winter Storm / Bacon Grease

Supervisor Name:___________________________

------------------------------For Office Use Only-----------------------------

Approved Denied

Supervisor Signature________________________________



Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Secure the Northern Border First - If the Geese are any Indication

Perhaps you've heard, a couple of Geese tried to assassinate everyone aboard an Airbus A320 leaving Laguardia Airport on Thursday. They failed, thanks to the pilot's mad skills.

Despite what you might think, the Mexicans were not involved. I know it's hard to believe, but these were Canadian Geese. Canadians, especially the French ones, have never been known for their bravery or selfless acts. But these geese apparently had a mission, one that they knew would ultimately lead to their death. Nevertheless they gave their lives in an attempt to kill the passengers of the jet. That's not to say that the geese are to be heralded as heros. On the contrary. This was a cowardly act that deserves our immediate response.

I have ordered our defense contracting division to re-calibrate the existing secret missile defense system in conjunction with the Distant Early Warning (DEW) radar and satellite network watching the skies over the Canadian border. The re-calibration will allow the early detection and elimination of migratory birds and other flying organisms as they cross our Northern border, allowing the prompt destruction of such airborne enemies.

We must act. These were just geese. If a goose or two can bring down a jet, imagine the damage a flying Canadian human could do. It's almost unthinkable. Picture their flailing bodies plummeting from the skies and throwing themselves into jet engines, or worse, buildings. We must pre-empt this pending attack. I am prepared to do what it takes. Are you with me?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Blagojebitchin' (and FlankSham's Plan for Domination)

To Start, it's ILL-i-NOY, not, ILL-i-NOYZ. That lesson is for the left and right coast media folk who were saddled with the burden of being stuck in flyover country to cover the story and think up a clever name for it, like "Blagogate". Freakin' wizards you are!

Now, on to the people of Illinois. This in not your problem. You see, most people in this country don't realize that Illinois is a real state. Most people hear "Illinois", but think its a synonym for "Chicago". Or maybe they think Illinois is the Native American word for "Place where Chicago lives", and that Chicago is the Native American word for "Large Center of Culture and Industry accidentally located beside a lake instead of the ocean".

Whatever they think, they are missing the fact that 13 million people call Illinois home. Five million of these people live in Cook County and another 3 million in the counties that surround it. (Don't look it up. Just trust me.) So there are like 8 million out of the 13 million state residents who live in "Chicagoland". That makes it very easy for Chicago to run the state. The problem is, even Chicago residents forget that there is life below Joliet. A roving band of wild political attack-dogs could rampage through the mighty kingdom of Chi-town in a matter of a week of two and effectively turn elections. When this happens, the end result is an anomaly, a political abnormality that would never occur naturally. For example, someone named Rod gets elected Governor.

Since natural elections cannot occur in the state of Illinois, our man Flanksham has us covered. You see, for years now Flanksham has been operating a little-known division of Crock, Inc. out of a garage somewhere south of Beecher City, Illinois. The multi-million dollar Military-Grade Voice and Data Network Infrastructure Surplus Materials Resale Division is unofficially the world's largest e-Bay store.

FlankSham has formulated a plan to take back the state in which his division operates. As he puts it, "If you're going to take over the world, you gotta start in Illinois".

Under this plan, FlankSham will use revenue's generated from his MGVDNISMR Division to fund a program he calls "Operation Stay Home Chicago". The operation begins with the 2012 election cycle. In exchange for all Chicago area voters staying home on election day and not casting ballots, program operatives will retrofit the lockers of each member of the Chicago Cubs Team with pictures of a real true genuine official World Series Ring. That should keep them happy for another hundred-plus years. Not to mention, it allows downstate voters to have a voice. That's the American way!

Thank You FlankSham!