Please remain hysterical! The H1N1 virus will surely kill you this winter. Our advice: start looting right now! (Actually, you should probably contact our legal department. We have arranged for each and every employee to receive a free will and testament to insure that your legacy does not end up being divided by the state. Instead, it will go directly to the hands of the only people who have the ability to spend it responsibly, Crock ,Inc.)
If you would like to prolong your certain death you can try washing your hands every 2 1/2 minutes, wear a breathing mask, and never ever leaving your house. Myself, I can't figure out why anyone would want to prolong it. Once this first wave of swine flu makes its rounds, civilization as we know it will cease to exist....and that's the good news.
The bad news is, even if you don't have the swine flu, you do have the swine flu. If your doctor tests you for something that is not the swine flu, and it comes back positive, then you probably have the swine flu. It's hopeless, really.
I read an article in the Arnold-Imperial Leader (a Missouri newspaper) with the headline; Two students from Windsor reported to have swine flu. Obviously, the headline is enough. There is no need to read the actual story, especially not the second paragraph where it states the the doctor did not actually test these kids for the H1N1 virus, but they tested positive for Influenza Type A. "But", the article said, "It is most likely that theses kids have swine flu because its too early for the regular flu."
Isn't that precious? We use this type of thinking quite often here at Crock, Inc. Like when we receive a complaint about our products or services. We tell the complainers that we'll get to the bottom of it. Then we ask a satisfied customer if they have ever experienced the same problem. As you might guess, they usually answer "no". Then we call the complaining bitch/moaner back and tell them that we checked into it and it appears that there is no problem whatsoever because we tested another customer and they are fine. We tell them to grab another bag of Cheetos and sit there in their own filth and try to figure out how to bother someone else with their incessant whining. "Don't ever call us again", we say. "Let not the word Crock pass through your lips again in this life. Pull your blinds tight lest the outside world see your shame in the light of day. Do not leave your house of unsanitary bliss. That should keep you healthy for a while longer. But of course you are doomed anyway."
Our official policy on the swine flu pandemic is as follows: Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
Please refrain from taking measures to reduce the spread of this virus so that we will all become stronger unless we are dead. And by all means, Panic quickly.
Thank You.
Showing posts with label Procedures. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Procedures. Show all posts
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Additions to Company Policy Regarding Wii Play
As you should know, company policy prohibits the use of Wii gaming systems and related accessories while smoking on company property. If you did not know that, please review your employee handbook, page 19177 under the heading; Things we don't allow you to do while smoking on company property.
Another Wii-related policy can be found on Page 1475 under the heading; Things you are allowed to do on company property. As you will see, beginning on this page, there is a list of everything you are allowed to do on Crock, Inc. property. Playing the Wii is not listed here. Neither is "not playing the Wii". That presents a conundrum. If you are allowed to play the wii, but yet you are not allowed to not play the wii, what is the deal with that?
We've chosen to completely ignore this contradiction and add an addendum to the back of your handbook that reads;
"If you play the Wii on company property, smoking or not, you are in violation of, and in compliance with company policy. Please make sure you wear the wrist safety strap."
Another Wii-related policy can be found on Page 1475 under the heading; Things you are allowed to do on company property. As you will see, beginning on this page, there is a list of everything you are allowed to do on Crock, Inc. property. Playing the Wii is not listed here. Neither is "not playing the Wii". That presents a conundrum. If you are allowed to play the wii, but yet you are not allowed to not play the wii, what is the deal with that?
We've chosen to completely ignore this contradiction and add an addendum to the back of your handbook that reads;
"If you play the Wii on company property, smoking or not, you are in violation of, and in compliance with company policy. Please make sure you wear the wrist safety strap."
Friday, January 30, 2009
Clarification of FORM # 236442B
I have received numerous (one) request for clarification as to the proper use of Form # 236442B- Request for Permission to Not Die. As a courtesy to the imbecile who could not figure it out, and also to the rest of you who are too proud to admit that you don't understand, I will explain the document in detail.
This form is to be filled out whenever you feel the need to stay home from work for fear of death. Please notice that there are only three acceptable reasons to use this form, they are listed on the form, but I will list them again here.
A. There is a Meteor on a Collision Course with the Office
B. An Angry Co-worker is wearing a Bomb-vest to Work
3. The Roads are Slick due to either a Winter Storm or Bacon Grease
Any reason not listed here is not a valid reason to miss work. If you miss work for any reason not listed here, or, if you miss work due to a reason listed here but did not fill out the form, did not submit the form for approval, or were not approved even though you filled out the form and submitted it for approval, you are considered absent without notification, even if you notified us that you would be absent due to an approvable reason or a non-approvable reason, and you will not be paid for the missed day. Please also note that approval of your properly completed and submitted form is not guaranteed. Please note as well also too that a properly completed, submitted, and approved form and the subsequent missing of work will result in the use of a personal day. It is very important at this point that you take note of our company policy to disallow the use of personal days for the reasons A, B, and 3 listed above.
To summarize: if you feel that you do not wish to come to work on a particular day because there is a chance you might die, and the reason for your possible death if you were to come to work is one of the items listed above, then you should complete this form and submit it to your supervisor for approval which is not guaranteed. Once submitted, your supervisor may or may not review and return the form to you marked approved or denied within 90 days. If the form is approved, your available balance of personal days will be decreased by one day. If, after your request is approved and your personal day balance is debited, you do not come to work, you will be considered absent without pay due to company policy for the use of personal days. If your available personal day balance is zero prior to completing and submitting the form, your request will not be approved. If your request is denied for any reason, or of it is not approved because of it's denial or non-approval, then you are expected to come to work. If you do not, then your personal day balance, if it is greater than zero, will be debited one day and you will be considered absent without pay per personl-day company policy.
So, if you have any reason to not come to work, approvable death avoidance item or not, the most efficient method of not coming to work is not to fill out the form and submit for approval, but rather to simply stay home. This will result in you being absent without pay. If you have available personal days, you may use one of these and therefore be paid for missing the day of work. Personal days in this case may be used because your reason for missing was not documented as one of the approvable death avoidance items above, and therefore is not disallowed under the company policy.
I hope this has cleared up and misunderstandings.
I might also add that we do not allow Meteors to collide with our offices, Bomb-vests are not approved work attire, and any actions by any person, employee or not, that would abuse bacon grease in such a way as to cause it to be present on a roadway is strictly forbidden.
At this point, I would ask all non-supervisors to stop reading.
For you supervisors; please be aware of our company policy to deny all Requests to Not Die. Approval of such a request is not tolerated and is grounds for dismissal. If you are not a supervisor, please go back and read this post again and try to follow instructions this time.
Thank You.
This form is to be filled out whenever you feel the need to stay home from work for fear of death. Please notice that there are only three acceptable reasons to use this form, they are listed on the form, but I will list them again here.
A. There is a Meteor on a Collision Course with the Office
B. An Angry Co-worker is wearing a Bomb-vest to Work
3. The Roads are Slick due to either a Winter Storm or Bacon Grease
Any reason not listed here is not a valid reason to miss work. If you miss work for any reason not listed here, or, if you miss work due to a reason listed here but did not fill out the form, did not submit the form for approval, or were not approved even though you filled out the form and submitted it for approval, you are considered absent without notification, even if you notified us that you would be absent due to an approvable reason or a non-approvable reason, and you will not be paid for the missed day. Please also note that approval of your properly completed and submitted form is not guaranteed. Please note as well also too that a properly completed, submitted, and approved form and the subsequent missing of work will result in the use of a personal day. It is very important at this point that you take note of our company policy to disallow the use of personal days for the reasons A, B, and 3 listed above.
To summarize: if you feel that you do not wish to come to work on a particular day because there is a chance you might die, and the reason for your possible death if you were to come to work is one of the items listed above, then you should complete this form and submit it to your supervisor for approval which is not guaranteed. Once submitted, your supervisor may or may not review and return the form to you marked approved or denied within 90 days. If the form is approved, your available balance of personal days will be decreased by one day. If, after your request is approved and your personal day balance is debited, you do not come to work, you will be considered absent without pay due to company policy for the use of personal days. If your available personal day balance is zero prior to completing and submitting the form, your request will not be approved. If your request is denied for any reason, or of it is not approved because of it's denial or non-approval, then you are expected to come to work. If you do not, then your personal day balance, if it is greater than zero, will be debited one day and you will be considered absent without pay per personl-day company policy.
So, if you have any reason to not come to work, approvable death avoidance item or not, the most efficient method of not coming to work is not to fill out the form and submit for approval, but rather to simply stay home. This will result in you being absent without pay. If you have available personal days, you may use one of these and therefore be paid for missing the day of work. Personal days in this case may be used because your reason for missing was not documented as one of the approvable death avoidance items above, and therefore is not disallowed under the company policy.
I hope this has cleared up and misunderstandings.
I might also add that we do not allow Meteors to collide with our offices, Bomb-vests are not approved work attire, and any actions by any person, employee or not, that would abuse bacon grease in such a way as to cause it to be present on a roadway is strictly forbidden.
At this point, I would ask all non-supervisors to stop reading.
For you supervisors; please be aware of our company policy to deny all Requests to Not Die. Approval of such a request is not tolerated and is grounds for dismissal. If you are not a supervisor, please go back and read this post again and try to follow instructions this time.
Thank You.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Frequent Urination Will Not Be Tolerated
Sue,
You have been leaving your desk four times per day for the past three days. Half way through day number 2, I started watching (stalking) you. You leave your desk and walk down the hall into the ladies room. You remain inside for between 2 minutes and 13 seconds to 3 minutes and 54 seconds. You then exit the ladies room and return to your desk.
I think you see where I'm going with this. I can only imagine what you are doing in there. I suspect you are urinating. I also suspect that sometimes you fail to wash your hands. You disgust me. Sicko! You are wasting over 12 minutes per day of the company's time. How could you be so irresponsible? You are a dirty thief and filthy liar. While you dilly dally on the pot for an hour per week, the rest of your department remains at their desk. They only leave for mandatory breaks, lunch, and a ten minute smoke break every hour. When they feel like leaving their desks in between, they instead play solitaire or minesweeper or surf inappropriate material on the web or make personal phone calls.
If you value your job, you will take up smoking or find other, less-obvious ways to waste company time. This is your only warning. Get with the program. There is no room in this company for lazy cancerous festering disrespectful careless oozing derelict poopie pants like you.
Also, it's your turn to restock the bacon dispenser. Don't even think about bring the turkey kind again....and please, for the love of all that is good and holy, wash your hands!
Love,
Management
You have been leaving your desk four times per day for the past three days. Half way through day number 2, I started watching (stalking) you. You leave your desk and walk down the hall into the ladies room. You remain inside for between 2 minutes and 13 seconds to 3 minutes and 54 seconds. You then exit the ladies room and return to your desk.
I think you see where I'm going with this. I can only imagine what you are doing in there. I suspect you are urinating. I also suspect that sometimes you fail to wash your hands. You disgust me. Sicko! You are wasting over 12 minutes per day of the company's time. How could you be so irresponsible? You are a dirty thief and filthy liar. While you dilly dally on the pot for an hour per week, the rest of your department remains at their desk. They only leave for mandatory breaks, lunch, and a ten minute smoke break every hour. When they feel like leaving their desks in between, they instead play solitaire or minesweeper or surf inappropriate material on the web or make personal phone calls.
If you value your job, you will take up smoking or find other, less-obvious ways to waste company time. This is your only warning. Get with the program. There is no room in this company for lazy cancerous festering disrespectful careless oozing derelict poopie pants like you.
Also, it's your turn to restock the bacon dispenser. Don't even think about bring the turkey kind again....and please, for the love of all that is good and holy, wash your hands!
Love,
Management
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Fonk, Chisel, Chainsaw
It's time for Gesture Lessons. I would like to see these put to use in our daily interactions throughout the company. I believe they will enhance our career experience and boost moral. The following gestures, complete with names and instructions on how to properly execute them, are something that I learned from co-workers as I came up through the ranks of the company. It seems we have gotten away from these over the years. Let's bring 'em back.
First, we have the "Fonk". The name of this gesture is meant to simulate the sound of a hammer or other blunt object striking something (more like someone). To perform this gesture simply make a fist, straighten your elbow and keep your arm stiff. (Don't forget to retain the fist. I know it's a lot to remember.) You are now ready to deploy the Fonk. Raise your arm (while retaining the fist, arm stiff) and bring it down swiftly onto a co-worker's head. (You don't have to use extreme or deadly force, just use enough to keep the element of surprise). The instant your fist contacts the victim's head (this is key) say the word "Fonk" loudly and proudly. You can experiment with the tone and delivery. We used to get creative. My fave was "Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-FONK!"
Next up; "Chisel". This one is named after the tool often used in woodworking and other manual shop-class-type tasks. The Chisel gesture is similar to the Fonk in the respect that the hand is in the fist position. The arm however, is bent at the elbow. To deploy the Chisel, drive the bent elbow into the victim's ribs and use the free hand to "hammer" on the fist of the bent arm while retaining your-elbow-to-victim's-rib contact. Imagine your elbow as the chisel blade and your fist as the head of the chisel. Your free hand is the hammer driving the blade home. Once again, the goal is not to hurt the victim but just to catch them off-guard and make them uncomfortable. You're not busting concrete blocks here. The vocalization of the chisel begins when contact is made. You're gong to use the word "Chisel" but the inflection of this one is important. You must use a falsetto voice and draw out the word. If only you could here me when I say "chiiiizzzzzellll".
Lastly, the "Chainsaw". This is named after a dog I had when I was six. Not really. It's named after a chainsaw of course. The arm position on this one is the same as the "Fonk". The delivery is different however. Get the arm in position with the straight elbow. Instead of a fist, use an open hand, like a karate-chop. Now, imagine you arm is actually a chainsaw. You need to start it up to make it work. Use your other arm (assuming you have one) to make the motions of pull-starting. Add a few sound-effects for authenticity. To my knowledge, there is no chainsaw that starts on the first pull. Be sure yours takes two or three pulls before starting. Once it "starts" your ready to deploy. On the final imaginary pull of the rope, the one that actually starts the imaginary motor, you'll need your best chainsaw sound to be coming out of your mouth (assuming you have one) full force while simultaneously raising the arm and placing the side of your open-hand-chainsaw-blade on some part of the victim's body. Apply moderate pressure and hold it on the victim while continuing to simulate the sound of a revved-up chainsaw.
So there you have it. Some fun and fantastic gestures that you probably never would have discovered on your own. I believe you will find these useful when directed at someone who has just insulted you, someone who has just said something stupid, or someone who is just stupid. Practice these on your friends and family for a few days, then bring them to work with you. I will expecting to see these in action by Monday.
Enjoy.
First, we have the "Fonk". The name of this gesture is meant to simulate the sound of a hammer or other blunt object striking something (more like someone). To perform this gesture simply make a fist, straighten your elbow and keep your arm stiff. (Don't forget to retain the fist. I know it's a lot to remember.) You are now ready to deploy the Fonk. Raise your arm (while retaining the fist, arm stiff) and bring it down swiftly onto a co-worker's head. (You don't have to use extreme or deadly force, just use enough to keep the element of surprise). The instant your fist contacts the victim's head (this is key) say the word "Fonk" loudly and proudly. You can experiment with the tone and delivery. We used to get creative. My fave was "Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-FONK!"
Next up; "Chisel". This one is named after the tool often used in woodworking and other manual shop-class-type tasks. The Chisel gesture is similar to the Fonk in the respect that the hand is in the fist position. The arm however, is bent at the elbow. To deploy the Chisel, drive the bent elbow into the victim's ribs and use the free hand to "hammer" on the fist of the bent arm while retaining your-elbow-to-victim's-rib contact. Imagine your elbow as the chisel blade and your fist as the head of the chisel. Your free hand is the hammer driving the blade home. Once again, the goal is not to hurt the victim but just to catch them off-guard and make them uncomfortable. You're not busting concrete blocks here. The vocalization of the chisel begins when contact is made. You're gong to use the word "Chisel" but the inflection of this one is important. You must use a falsetto voice and draw out the word. If only you could here me when I say "chiiiizzzzzellll".
Lastly, the "Chainsaw". This is named after a dog I had when I was six. Not really. It's named after a chainsaw of course. The arm position on this one is the same as the "Fonk". The delivery is different however. Get the arm in position with the straight elbow. Instead of a fist, use an open hand, like a karate-chop. Now, imagine you arm is actually a chainsaw. You need to start it up to make it work. Use your other arm (assuming you have one) to make the motions of pull-starting. Add a few sound-effects for authenticity. To my knowledge, there is no chainsaw that starts on the first pull. Be sure yours takes two or three pulls before starting. Once it "starts" your ready to deploy. On the final imaginary pull of the rope, the one that actually starts the imaginary motor, you'll need your best chainsaw sound to be coming out of your mouth (assuming you have one) full force while simultaneously raising the arm and placing the side of your open-hand-chainsaw-blade on some part of the victim's body. Apply moderate pressure and hold it on the victim while continuing to simulate the sound of a revved-up chainsaw.
So there you have it. Some fun and fantastic gestures that you probably never would have discovered on your own. I believe you will find these useful when directed at someone who has just insulted you, someone who has just said something stupid, or someone who is just stupid. Practice these on your friends and family for a few days, then bring them to work with you. I will expecting to see these in action by Monday.
Enjoy.
Monday, May 5, 2008
We Will Not Negotiate with Pirates
In these crazy times we live in, I feel it necessary to repeat the long-standing Crock policy: Attention Pirates!! We will not negotiate with you. You can high jack our ships all you want. We're going to ignore you. Return from whence ye came. (Although we are intrigued by the live goats).
Yes readers, it is true. These people still exist. Check it out.
We used to think pirates were cool. "Ahoy there maties", we used to say. Now, we do not speak to them. They lost some of their mystique when they stared using speedboats and cellphones. The days of the eye-patch and peg-leg are long gone. We tend to agree with the guy in the CNN article who describes them as " "unsophisticated hoodlums" and "full of bluster and lies to make themselves look tougher than they were."
The whole pirate industry has gone to hell. It's nothing like the days when Flanksham ran things.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
P.T.B.F.O. # 112368
Predicament To Be Figured Out -
Ladies and Gentlemen of Crock, Inc., we have another problem. Flanksham appears to be missing. All I can tell you is, he was very upset about the Yeti post and he has not been heard from since.
His last transmission to me was this noteworthy quote:
"Each cigarette takes 17 minutes off your life, each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life. If you smoke and eat bacon fast enough you can go back in time. Yes you heard it right, time travel is possible."
I can't imagine what could have happened for him to allow thoughts like these to enter his mind. But wait! You don't think......?
Oh no! Call every Bacon Bar in the City!! Get me the Commissioner of Pork Production on the line. Find me the closest place that serves bacon and is not under some kind of marshall smoking law. That's where we'll find FlankSham (actually, he quit smoking but for the purposes of this post, he started back up again). Unless...... Unless.....it's too late. We can't give up.
We need to be vigilant and pool our resources. In efforts to expedite the safe return of our valued associate, please follow the Search and Rescue (SAR) protocol set forth below:
1) Look around
2) If you see FlankSham, skip to step 4
3) If you don't see FlankSham, try again later
4) Do not approach him. Make a note of the place and time of the sighting.
5) When you return to you home, office, or jail cell, fill out a SAR 44C form with all of the relevant information.
6) Make nine copies of the form.
7) Mail each copy to yourself in separate envelopes. (The postmark will be used for verification purposes)
8) When you receive the envelopes, file seven of them for your records.
9) Place one of the envelopes, un-opened, into a larger envelope of a different color and mail it to our headquarters.
10) Open the final envelope and read it to remind yourself of the sighting. Have the copy notorized and fax it to your regional Crock Branch Office(check local listings).
11) Stay right where you are and wait for a phone call. (It won't be us, but eventually you'll probably get one)
Things to rememeber: Flanksham may indeed be attempting to prove his time travel thoery. You may have seen him in the past and not known that it is actually the present FlankSham on his journey backwards through time. You'll need to follow the procedure above for past sightings as well.
Side Note: Although Flanksham exists, and has for many years, it's interesting to me that a Google search returns no results. Either Google is broken, or Mr. Becconheimer FlankSham is an expert at stealth operations. He's avoided the long arm of Google for pete's sake! Our task could be arduous.
Ladies and Gentlemen of Crock, Inc., we have another problem. Flanksham appears to be missing. All I can tell you is, he was very upset about the Yeti post and he has not been heard from since.
His last transmission to me was this noteworthy quote:
"Each cigarette takes 17 minutes off your life, each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life. If you smoke and eat bacon fast enough you can go back in time. Yes you heard it right, time travel is possible."
I can't imagine what could have happened for him to allow thoughts like these to enter his mind. But wait! You don't think......?
Oh no! Call every Bacon Bar in the City!! Get me the Commissioner of Pork Production on the line. Find me the closest place that serves bacon and is not under some kind of marshall smoking law. That's where we'll find FlankSham (actually, he quit smoking but for the purposes of this post, he started back up again). Unless...... Unless.....it's too late. We can't give up.
We need to be vigilant and pool our resources. In efforts to expedite the safe return of our valued associate, please follow the Search and Rescue (SAR) protocol set forth below:
1) Look around
2) If you see FlankSham, skip to step 4
3) If you don't see FlankSham, try again later
4) Do not approach him. Make a note of the place and time of the sighting.
5) When you return to you home, office, or jail cell, fill out a SAR 44C form with all of the relevant information.
6) Make nine copies of the form.
7) Mail each copy to yourself in separate envelopes. (The postmark will be used for verification purposes)
8) When you receive the envelopes, file seven of them for your records.
9) Place one of the envelopes, un-opened, into a larger envelope of a different color and mail it to our headquarters.
10) Open the final envelope and read it to remind yourself of the sighting. Have the copy notorized and fax it to your regional Crock Branch Office(check local listings).
11) Stay right where you are and wait for a phone call. (It won't be us, but eventually you'll probably get one)
Things to rememeber: Flanksham may indeed be attempting to prove his time travel thoery. You may have seen him in the past and not known that it is actually the present FlankSham on his journey backwards through time. You'll need to follow the procedure above for past sightings as well.
Side Note: Although Flanksham exists, and has for many years, it's interesting to me that a Google search returns no results. Either Google is broken, or Mr. Becconheimer FlankSham is an expert at stealth operations. He's avoided the long arm of Google for pete's sake! Our task could be arduous.
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