Saturday, December 31, 2016

2017: A Look at the Year to Come

Rather than the typical review of the year that was, We thought it would be a unique and original idea (which will now be copied by most everyone in the media) to look at the year to come.  Never mind where we've been, it's where we're going that counts.  If we walk looking backwards, we might run into a pole or a homeless person. Better to keep focussed on the road ahead.  Those are wise words of wisdom delivered wisely.  

So, looking ahead.  This coming year will be different from the outgoing year in one big way.  The new year will be known as 2017.  Goodbye to that old tired 2016 banner at the top of your calendar.  That was a dumb name for a year anyway. 2017 has a better ring to it.  Sure, the new year is a number, just like the old year.  But the cleverness of incrementing the name by just one digit really sets it apart. We love it already.  This means that in 2017 we can do just one more awesome thing.  Okay.  Maybe that's not what it means, but it's the thought that counts.

Here are some bold predictions for 2017:

- There will be at least 12 months in the year.  In fact, most calendars have already been printed with exactly twelve months.  Everyone has already agreed on names for these months, so we can't change them now. If additional months are needed, the extra calendar pages can be purchased at our company store or on our website.  
- We are not going to observe leap year in 2017.  We strongly believe that this will be a traditional 365-day year.  It's a tribute to three of the four years past.  The month known as February will still be the quirky little 28-day midget that we all hated last year.  Take note: this means that you don't get that bonus day to think about doing something spectacular but never get around to it.
-  Someone famous will die in 2017.  It will be reported that a famous person died unexpectedly, but here you see us predict this clearly in advance.  Don't be fooled.  It was planned all along.
-  The number one song of 2017 will be hated by everyone in the world before the end of the year.  We will know all the words and wish we could forget them.  We will cringe at every note.  If you have those days where you wake with a stupid song in your head that makes you want to pop out your own eyeballs with a flat head screwdriver, that's probably the song.
- There will be a natural disaster.  We're not saying where or when.  Everyone everywhere should just be prepared.  You know?  Bottled water in the bunker and such.
- Some kittens may be born.  Someone might post videos of their antics as they grow up throughout the year.  

That's probably enough.  2017 is coming.  Celebrate the future tonight my friends!  

Saturday, December 24, 2016

10 Tips to Make This Christmas Better Than Last

1. Wait until at least 11am to start drinking, unless you still have to run to
Wal-mart.  In that case, giddyup.

2. Avoid Wal-mart.

3. Get Grandma a gift so her disapproving stare doesn't haunt you all year again.

4. Do NOT, under any circumstances, use the words "dry" and "ham" in a conversation with your mother.

5. When someone gives you a gift, try responding with "thank you" instead of  "this better not be another stupid-ass tie".

6. The maximum amount of time you should spend with family is three hours.  Set your alarm.

7. Remember, every gift a child opens will need $80 worth of batteries, will need to be assembled, and will make incredibly loud and obnoxious noises. The best way to avoid this is to not invite children.

8. Wait one more year before you regift that tin of popcorn.  They'll forget.  Plus that stuff ages well.

9. Cursing is unavoidable, but try to keep it under you breath whenever possible.  Of course sometimes you will have to scream obscenities.  Everything in moderation.

10. Wear pants.