Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Crock, Inc. Energy Policy: Beef it Up

Here at Crock, Inc., we believe that happiness in the workplace starts at the top. We strive to empower and motivate our staff by creating a positive atmosphere in which they may grow. I personally hold a short motivational seminar each month to rejuvenate the peons...I mean..the workforce.

Now, especially for you, I'm going to reveal the subject matter of next month's motivational seminar. It's centered around one word;


Why energy, you ask? Well let's take a look at some synonyms for the word "energy" and see how it can be applied in the workplace.

Energy, a noun, is synonymous with Drive, Efficiency, and Endurance. We encourage all of these. Also, Liveliness, Might , and Moxie. We love those too. Pep, Pizzazz, Power. The first two are great. The third; we'll be sure and limit that one to avoid problems. What about Spirit, Stamina, and Strength? All positive and condoned by management.

Here's something that I found interesting: get-up-and-go is one word. Go figure. It's also a synonym for energy.

As I researched, I found all of this to be great and applicable. That is until I saw one word that did not seem to belong. According to Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.3.1)Copyright © 2008 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved, this word is also synonymous with energy. The word is..........BEEF! You heard it here first. Beef=Energy. If you don't believe me, check it out here.

Now I'm working on incorporating this into my seminar. How is beef motivational? I'm thinking of going the route of "Where's the Beef?" as a catch phrase to be said whenever someone is a little off their goame or feeling down. Or perhaps "Beefing up" our daily routine. Maybe even something like "Need a pick-me-up? Just add Beef!". Moo-tivational? There is a lot at steak.


Thursday, February 21, 2008

Reference Letter Template (Reg. 42 Compliant)

February 21, 2008 (Always use this date, regardless of the actual date)

Crock, Inc.
Human Resources Department #
(Input Dept. number, we have six HR departments)
(Address)(The six departments are in six different buildings, in three countries, four states, and one province)

Attention: (Name of Assigned Agent)
RE: (name of applicant)

Dear Sir or Madam (Choose one based on the gender of your assigned agent. If it's Chris, just take a guess);

Type your reference letter here. Please send nine original signed and notarized copies in separate envelopes. Please limit your letter to one page. Letters submitted with two or more pages will be translated by people who read everything as the opposite of what is actually says, and also upside down.

Please cover the following topics:

1) How long have you known the applicant and what is the nature of your relationship – business, neighbor, friend, lover, supplier, pimp, etc.
2) Applicants work ethic and attitude towards mold spores, asbestos, money laundering and paid vacations.
3) Applicants ability to keep his/her mouth shut when ordered to do so.
4) Applicants strengths and weaknesses in high pressure situations, possibly involving police and lawyers.
5) Why you believe the applicant would be right for the position of Sales Representative?
(use this position title for all positions please)

Suck it Hard, (we DO NOT want you to use “Sincerely” as your closing)

Your Name


Monday, February 18, 2008

Samuel Adams was Drunk...we had words.

Dear Crock Family,

I write you today with a story. Within it, a lesson. Within that, an exagerated and sarcastic rant. And within that, a frothy goodness.

You see, for the past couple of months, beer brewers "have been facing an unprecidented hops shortage". Times have been tough in the beer brewing world (which we know and love). Small brewers just can't compete. As the price of good hops has increased, some of these small brewers have had to resort to drastic measures. Some have been forced to set up tents across the street from high schools and peddle their products. They can't afford to check IDs, and the prices, they're through the roof. Sources say a single 40oz. bottle of Natural light has been tagged at $10.00.

"Things were getting desperate and we had to make some difficult decisions", said Simon Birdwaiver, owner and brewmaster of Birdwaiver Brewery in Paducah Kentucky. "In the long run I think we'll be okay", he added, "but we just have to keep our fingers crossed. The police could show up at any minute."

Birdwaiver is one of a dozen or so brewers who have had to resort to tactics such as these just to remain afloat. The price of hops has skyrocketted due to the short supply and there has been no real sign of relief on the horizon. That is until now. Samuel Adams has ridden in on a white horse to bestow grace and tender kindness upon beerdom!! (See source, stumbled upon while browsing Digg).

Apparently, Boston Beer, brewers of Samual Adams, have decided to make some of their hops available to the open market. They say they will "sell" the hops to small craft brewers at cost.

....Wait a minute. That means no profit! Fools! Did the executive at Boston Beer spend a little too much time in the tasing room or what? I know this is probably going to shock some of you but, if a business does not make a profit,? I have nothing else. It just doesn't. What? Huh?

I know. It sort of leaves you at a loss for words doesn't it? That sha'nt be the case for long my friends. Inspired by the spirit of giving and Corporate kindness displayed by the fine folks (big hearts, small brains) at Boston Beer, we are going to "sell" you some of our stock of words. These are some which we will not be using anyway:

-Sauve (interchangable with Ointment, so take that too)
-anything in French, you can have the whole language
-John Edwards
-Achy Breaky
-Fish Sauce
-Loddlebobdariferkishness (Actually, we'll keep that one. It's an original.)

Is that enough?

Saturday, February 16, 2008

P.T.B.F.O #112367

Predicament To Be Figured Out #112367

Good afternight dear patrons and staff. We have another predicament that we need to figure out. Your help was much appreciated on #112366 and Flanksham now has his fingers surgically reattached and he can almost swallow solid foods again.

This time, I regret to say, I have been studying the competition. It appears that it is commonly suggested and advised for blog posts to be concise and not to be overly wordy or longwinded. What in Blue Blazes are we supposed to do now?

Crock, Inc. has always found ways to simultaneously worship and butcher the American language. We have always seen the value of driving the point home by making sure you understand what we're getting at (or confusing you to the point where you have to read it many times over, and therefore memorizing it). Sometimes it is necessary to be redundant and repeat ourselves over and over using different words from time-to-time or once in a while, whichever comes first. We know that our readers can appreciate the fact that we say these things, sometimes twice or six times in the same sentence, add a comma, then say them again, while knowing full well that adding a comma means that we do not have to start a new sentence but rather let the original one keep going even though most grammatical experts would say it should have stopped by now but it didn't, then labelling it a "run on" sentence. (I hate that). We also know that, in many cases, short sentences may be more direct and to the point. Get it? Good. We'll use plenty of those too. (Have you noticed that we are rather fond of parenthetical comments as well?)

Basically, we need to know if you will stand behind us as we stand our ground. We will continue to blog "improperly" no matter how many times we're fined and arrested. Stand by us brothers and sisters. Your support is needed now.

What is Crock, Inc.?

If you answered “The Champions of the World” then you are correct. But we are also much more than that.

Founded in 1989 by a group of entrepreneurial high-school students (punk-asses) from small-town USA, Crock has gone through some changes. As the founders went their separate ways after high school, the "business" went dormant for a few years. In Early 2001, it was revived in a weekly emailed subscription newsletter. The newsletter was cancelled by the Department of Mass Email Permitting and Documentation for Non-existent Corporations (DMEPDNEC).

Sharon, who was then in charge of Permits and Documentation, evidentially filed the application under a company called "Bean Crock, Inc.". Steak n' Shake pitched a Holy Living' fit about it and "raised a stink" with the DMEPDNEC, who then shut us down. But we're back!! This time we've filed the paperwork properly and Sharon (now working in the mail room) brought me the permit for 'Blogging by a Non-existent Corporation' on February 15th, 2008. In Your Face Governmental Regulating Body!!

Crock, Inc. is a fictitious Corporation created for the sole purpose of being an outlet for a particular style of ridiculousness, or ridiculocity, as the case may be. The ridiculi could, at times, be described as “humor”, possibly wrapped in “satire”, potentially set on fire and perhaps launched headlong through the boardroom of any true and existing major corporation on earth.

You see, the product that Crock, Inc. would provide, if it were indeed a real corporation, is…….well, nothing. But, Crock would provide a service. That much is for sure. This service would be…..taking a good look at today’s corporate world and making fun of it until it cries for it’s mommy. We call it “Corporate Horror”. I’m not suggesting that major corporate executives would tremble in their loafers at the likes of us. They won't. This is why our fake business has a fake business plan.

Without going into great detail, I can tell you that this plan involves the infiltration of major corporations, and doing one or both of the following:

1) Sucking the life out of them by using up their most valuable resource; their time.
2) Injecting a spark of liveliness and cheer into their downtrodden staff.

You see, Crock will target Mr. Nine-to-fiver while he sits at his cubicle. He will no longer need to play minesweeper, or surf MySpace with the sound turned off, or take a power nap with his chin in has hands so it looks like he’s studying an important report. He can now proudly read over his daily Crock with a smile on his face. The only side effect could be periodical outbursts of "WTF?!?". He’ll leave his cube with a spring in his step and whistle his way to the coffee maker. He will infect his co-workers with is upbeat attitude. They’ll ask him why he’s in such a good mood. He’ll say, “CROCK”. Thus begins the chain reaction that will shift company resources from doing nothing, to working for Crock, Inc. while getting paid from the other guys.