Thursday, May 29, 2008

Crock Will Beat Trump to the Punch (New Product Release)

ES389 New Product Status Report

We are still waiting on research data from escapability testing. This data is needed to assure compliance with H-233.420 of the Americans with Disabilities Act.

A nine year study of the effects of ES389 on pregnant women, laboratory rats, and dead pigeons concluded this week. The study suggests that ES389 has no significant negative side-effects other than loose stool, blood in urine, hives, rickets, scurvy, elephantitis of the ass, boredom, and, in the case of the dead pigeons, remaining dead (although some activity was observed and described by most as "a brief period of smoking and sizzling").

Test marketing is set to begin by week's end. We will be placing ES389 in men's restroom vending machines (right next to the Evening Magic) in and around the Jackson Hole, Wyoming metro area. The price-point for testing purposes will be 75 cents. We believe that this will give us a true cross-section of Americans and their receptiveness to ES389 in much the same way that polling Arab countries gives a true representation of the approval rating of President George W. Bush.

Once test marketing is complete we will have a better idea of where the price-point should be set and how many people we should expect to die from the use of ES389. If the death expectation numbers are low enough, then we should witness a dramatic increase in style throughout the country. (The last thing we need right now is more death in the company so we ask that all employees refrain from use until we know which of you we want to kill, and the likelihood that we will succeed).

Marketing Points: As the first truly permanent hair-sculpting system, ES389 will create it's own niche market, serving those with complex hairstyles who are tired of spending valuable time getting their hair "just right". With ES389, fix it once and forget it. Completely water-proof, almost flame-retardant, and sort of bullet proof, this product will revolutionize the hair-art industry. This is the last hair product you will ever need. Once applied, all growth will cease, all hair loss will stop, all colors will be locked, birds will not nest, insects will steer clear, and rodents will be repelled (along with friends).

The tag line chosen for ES389 is: Enhanced Style 389 - Style for Life!

Some other suggested tag lines:

Enhanced Style 389 - Hair-helmets made easy
Enhanced Style 389 - Laminate your head
Enhanced Style 389 - Style is as easy as 1-2-389
Enhanced Style 389 - Forget the Gel, get Perma-Shell
Enhanced Style 389 - No more Combs, get Perma-dome
Enhanced Style 389 - When you want your hair to turn heads

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

That Sure is a Fancy Resignation Letter There...Now Get Out!

Just a quick announcement:

Ghordo Whipple is no longer working here. He waltzed into my office yesterday, didn't even speak to Sue on the way in (somehow managing to miss the rotating knives), and handed me what he called a "rezination letter". It was a post-it note with sharpie markings that read:

1 the Lottery. not werkin no mor.

Needless to say I did not accept this resignation. I told Ghordo that it did not meet the standards of excellence that we apply to ourselves and everything we do. He agreed, so I fired him.

He didn't miss the rotating knives on the way out. Funeral arrangements are being made.

Now we may have a problem. This is the second person killed on this property in less than a week.

The good news is; there is now an opening for a new Coordinator of Sticky Removal. It's an entry-level janitorial position.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Locked in the Conference Room Again- P.T.B.F.O. 112369

Hello! Is anyone still out there? If so, could you please let us out of the conference room? Who installed these doors anyway? It must have been Tricky's Backwards Door Handle Company. This is crap!

I had Sue confiscate all cell phones before we came in here, now she's gone for the day. This conference room phone is so confusing.....WHERE ARE THE DAMN BUTTONS?? What if the building was on fire? Shouldn't there be some kind of safety features around here?

Frieda already tried the window option. Oops. You'd have thought that one of us would have remembered the elevator ride to the 43rd floor. I guess not.

Normally, we keep our cell phones with us, but today we were discussing the marketing strategy for our new Belt-fed Cat Buffer and I didn't want any interruptions. You can obviously see the importance here. The problem is, most of us have to pee. This carpet cost us $46,000 per square foot (after shipping and handling) and I'm not about to let these idiots soil it.

Luckily, we still have an Internet connection. Please help!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Job Opening No Longer Available - You Snooze, You Lose

At this time I would like to announce some personnel changes:

The position of Director of Spork and Bendy-straw Supply and Demand Monitoring has been filled. Congratulations Wynnie Shoop, on your promotion.

Since we like to promote from within (we believe in "coaching up, or coaching out") the position vacated by Wynnie will now be filled by Samuel Sams. Congrats "Sam squared" on becoming the new Regional Ambassador to Those Afflicted with Tonsillitis.

Finally, to fill Sam's vacated position, a new hire from the outside, Shiny Bitch is now the new Coordinator of the Properties of Atomic Particles in a Vacuum. We all need to help Shiny as she takes on this very important role with the company. Her job not only helps keep us at the top of our industry, but it helps assure that the laws of physics do not suddenly change and cause us all to become specks of dust in geosynchronous orbit around the hole that used to be the earth.

We Now Support The National Society of Crazies

Crock, Inc. is now a proud sponsor of the National Society for Crazies.

The NSC is a wonderful organization who strive to help those who can't behave themselves, the "Crazies". They defend the crazies from discrimination and persecution at the hands of the "Normals".

Those of you who are already members known the benefits. Being a part of this organization brings together those of us who may be considered a little "off" in the eyes of the Normals. It gives us an outlet for our unusual antics. It gives us an identity. We can now say with pride, "I AM A CRAZY!!"

Visit the NSC website for more information and to apply for membership.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Low-Hanging Chandaliers (and Other Problems Pygmies Don't Have)

I have this chandelier in my office. It was given to me by Robert Mugabe, the President of Zimbabwe in 1991 as a token of his appreciation for my contribution of clean socks to be worn by Amos Midzi, his Minister of Mines. (Amos hadn't changed socks for like three days). It is a truly magnificent addition to the decor of the office. There's just the one problem; I keep knocking myself senseless while jazzercizing my way around the room when on the phone (some people pace, I jazzercize).

Earlier today, when I bipped my forehead on the thing again, a thought occurred to me. I bet the Pygmy People never had this problem.

I intercommed Sue and had her check the database to see if we have any Pygmies working for us. I wanted to speak directly to a real live Pygmy and find out. Call it a little social experiment of my own. I have a theory that being a Pygmy has many benefits that are often overlooked in the debate about Pygmy equality. Our politicians and civil-rights leaders will never admit that Pygmies don't bump their heads on low-hanging chandeliers. They won't admit that being able to pass ones self off as a hobbit has great advantages. (Like second breakfasts). You won't hear them tell you that pygmies get most of their meals off of the kids menu and get in free to many places when they hang out with the "tall people". Plus, I've tried, I can't pull off the Sour Patch Kids routine, but I bet a Pygmy could!

Getting carded for cigarettes (most pygmies are smokers) and not being able to get on some amusement park rides can't be all that bad. They can squeeze themselves into the smallest of spaces, which is useful in rescuing rescue dogs who get stuck in small spaces where regular-sized people have gotten stuck and are in need of rescue. Also, they get to go through life with an excuse for sub-par performance , what with the tiny brains and all.

Anyway, Sue found that we have not had a Pygmy associate since records have been kept. Hopefully we are not in violation of any affirmative action laws. I may never be able to prove my theory. Who knows?

But I did find this information.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

At Our Picnic, You Get to Pick

It's company picnic season again. Not only can you choose Hot Dogs or Hamburgers, Cole Slaw or Potato Salad, to drink yourself silly or not, this year we thought we'd allow you to decide what entertainment you want at the picnic. Last year, the Juggling Bears were not a hit. I would have expected better, after all, I won their appearance in a radio contest. Who Knew?

The picnic this year will be different. You can choose from any of the wonderful entertainers currently signed to our talent management division. The appropriate choices are listed below. You may place your vote by commenting to this post or emailing me.

Salmonella and the Raisinettes
Janet Hortburn and the Steel Back Plates (Accompanied by Marthmouth the Extreme Dogsex’r)
Aged Cheddar and the Smoked Gouda Wheels
Nine Tenths of a Four Pound Midget
Peanut Butter Bob's Honey Roasted Rat Terrier Band
The Whistlepiss Comedy Revue
People with Bad Posture - A Living Sculpture
Randy the Great
The Alabama Bubble-Blowers Present: Many Varieties of Bubble Sizes
Fattie Pimpleface - Motivational Speaker
The Decapitated Kitten Family of Sesame Street
Tea Baggers United
Led Zeppelin
My Friend Clernce (That's not the name of the act, it's actually a friend of mine who's name is Clernce)
Sewage is Delicious - Advice for Recycling, Brought to you by Al Gore
Robert G. Forearm, Star of the hit Reality Series "The Prostate Examiner"
Tony Danza
The Inanimate Glob of Beef
Fish McGinty and the Worcestershire Sauce All-Stars
The Boyz From Jackson Hole Y'all
Hide and Disappear - The Invisible Dueling Magicians
The Company Picnic Destroyers
The Juggling Bears

Monday, May 5, 2008

We Will Not Negotiate with Pirates

In these crazy times we live in, I feel it necessary to repeat the long-standing Crock policy: Attention Pirates!! We will not negotiate with you. You can high jack our ships all you want. We're going to ignore you. Return from whence ye came. (Although we are intrigued by the live goats).

Yes readers, it is true. These people still exist. Check it out.
We used to think pirates were cool. "Ahoy there maties", we used to say. Now, we do not speak to them. They lost some of their mystique when they stared using speedboats and cellphones. The days of the eye-patch and peg-leg are long gone. We tend to agree with the guy in the CNN article who describes them as " "unsophisticated hoodlums" and "full of bluster and lies to make themselves look tougher than they were."
The whole pirate industry has gone to hell. It's nothing like the days when Flanksham ran things.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Fishing with the Prez, Global Destruction, and the Ball that Wasn't a Ball

You may have noticed that April came and went with no "Fishing with the PreZ" posting. The reason for this is that we did not go fishing in April. Why? Because it snowed on April 4th, the very day that we were scheduled to go.

I guess we'll chalk that up to "Global Climate Change".

If you are as observant as I think you are, as you have been trained to be, and as you MUST be as a requirement to remain employed with us, then you have undoubtedly observed the recent change-o, change-o, re-arrange-o of the terminology used to describe Global Warming. It's no longer global warming. It's now "Global Climate Change". This is done to assure that the idea of human (read as: American) destruction of the planet remains a fear in the minds of the world populous despite evidence that the planet is now as cool as it was 100 years ago.

This reminds me of the Crock, Inc. ingenious technique of marketing it's products. Like when we came out with a round object filled with air. We first called it a "Ball", but when it was proven that it would not hold air, we began calling it a "Multi-use Ball-like Air Transport and Temporary Storage Device". It could be used as a ball for a while. The consumer could fill the product with air, dribble, roll, throw, toss, or kick it from one place to the other. All the while they were actually distributing the air from inside the product, at a very slow and completely safe rate, to other locations where that particular air did not used to be.

This goes to show that I totally understand the need to rename things to avoid criticism.

I digress. Back to the subject of us ugly American humans destroying the earth. Did you here what Bob Futz of General Motors said? He said that he thinks global warming is a Crock of sh*t. Hey Bob! Thanks for the plug!

Every opinion matters (if you agree with me). Discuss amongst yourselves.