Crock Will Beat Trump to the Punch (New Product Release)

ES389 New Product Status Report

We are still waiting on research data from escapability testing. This data is needed to assure compliance with H-233.420 of the Americans with Disabilities Act.

A nine year study of the effects of ES389 on pregnant women, laboratory rats, and dead pigeons concluded this week. The study suggests that ES389 has no significant negative side-effects other than loose stool, blood in urine, hives, rickets, scurvy, elephantitis of the ass, boredom, and, in the case of the dead pigeons, remaining dead (although some activity was observed and described by most as "a brief period of smoking and sizzling").

Test marketing is set to begin by week's end. We will be placing ES389 in men's restroom vending machines (right next to the Evening Magic) in and around the Jackson Hole, Wyoming metro area. The price-point for testing purposes will be 75 cents. We believe that this will give us a true cross-section of Americans and their receptiveness to ES389 in much the same way that polling Arab countries gives a true representation of the approval rating of President George W. Bush.

Once test marketing is complete we will have a better idea of where the price-point should be set and how many people we should expect to die from the use of ES389. If the death expectation numbers are low enough, then we should witness a dramatic increase in style throughout the country. (The last thing we need right now is more death in the company so we ask that all employees refrain from use until we know which of you we want to kill, and the likelihood that we will succeed).

Marketing Points: As the first truly permanent hair-sculpting system, ES389 will create it's own niche market, serving those with complex hairstyles who are tired of spending valuable time getting their hair "just right". With ES389, fix it once and forget it. Completely water-proof, almost flame-retardant, and sort of bullet proof, this product will revolutionize the hair-art industry. This is the last hair product you will ever need. Once applied, all growth will cease, all hair loss will stop, all colors will be locked, birds will not nest, insects will steer clear, and rodents will be repelled (along with friends).


The tag line chosen for ES389 is: Enhanced Style 389 - Style for Life!

Some other suggested tag lines:


Enhanced Style 389 - Hair-helmets made easy
Enhanced Style 389 - Laminate your head
Enhanced Style 389 - Style is as easy as 1-2-389
Enhanced Style 389 - Forget the Gel, get Perma-Shell
Enhanced Style 389 - No more Combs, get Perma-dome
Enhanced Style 389 - When you want your hair to turn heads

Return of an Icon

We are in the beginning stages of one of the greatest comebacks in men's fashion history, and I must admit, it was my idea. I'm talking about the moustache. That's right. I'm not sure if you have noticed it yet, but you will.

Very Soon, you will start noticing TV and Movie stars, musicians, politicians, news anchors, and other public figures sporting various sizes and shapes of these fuzzy face-dwellers. Look around you. They are more common than you would expect, more plentiful than you thought, and more abundant than they were just a year or two ago.

Now I'm not talking about the moustache-like thing sported as part of a larger facial-apparatus. Not the goatee/moustache, not the fu manchu, not the full beard with moustache. No. I'm talking about the beautiful 1971 caterpillar-of-the-upper-lip device. You know the kind. Usually displayed with a pair of large sunglasses, lenses in hues of purple or brown, the gradient tinted variety; dark on top light on the bottom (the lenses that is). The guys in the pic get it. Well, no sunglasses, but you see what I mean.

Going forward, all Crock, Inc. employees who grow one of these shall receive a $.22 per hour raise in pay while the moustache is alive and kicking. Discrimination, you say? Well ladies, you can participate as well. Some of you can simply stop the waxing or bleach treatment and call it good. Others may have to improvise. Rogaine? Maybe. Give it a shot.

Hell. Do a web search for "moustache" and witness the beauty. Keep in mind, some websites out there may actually be making fun of the moustache, not praising it. I know. It's hard to believe. I was fooled many times before I figured it out. Don't make the same mistake. If you see moustache hate-crimes in progress, please report them to me.

Also, if you have your moustache in place, please send pics.