Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Six Lessons From a Dead-Souled Pessimist

I'm sure you know someone who just seems to poke a straw in your head and slowly suck every last ounce of joy out of you and they keep sucking until it makes that slurpy gurgling sound so they pull the straw in and out several times while shaking you to try and get the ice cubes out of the way so the straw can get down farther in case they might have missed a drop or two, figuratively of course. Or maybe you yourself are that sort of joy-suck who prefers to be miserable and has a deep primitive need for others to come along for the ride. Either way, you could find the following list of things enjoyable. (Which means half of you will hate it and the other half will listen to you bitch about it.

1) There is nothing more uplifting than watching a happy-go-lucky person fall and receive injuries.

2) A good day is easily ruined by a smile from a stranger.

3) Most people would rather eat a bag of live wasps than listen to you laugh.

4) Sure it might be a good joke but don't laugh or a demon will remove your gall bladder and spleen.

5) Fun is only for people who have no ability to hate everything, including furry little kittens.

6) At first you won't succeed, and it only gets worse from there.

Monday, November 5, 2012

How to Avoid Stabbing Yourself with Sharp Objects

This particular problem is far more complex than it seems on the surface. There are intricacies, dynamics, nuisances that must be explored before one can fully formulate an effective strategy to avoid a self-inflicted stab wound by a miscellaneous sharp object.

A cursory glance at the problem may lead to the over-simplified simple easy-peasy obvious conclusion that one can avoid this type of injury by just simply not stabbing themselves with a sharp object. Seems simple enough. Unfortunately, many times the message falls on deaf ears. That, in and of itself is not terrible because deaf ears are not sharp objects (please leave The Vulcans out of this). But, falling on, let's say, a javelin, could pose a potentially bloody problem. We can't just assume that those who stab themselves with sharp objects do so intentionally. Are there some who do? Sure. But even the most dedicated masochist has to be reminded of certain dangers. "Don't run with scissors" grandma used to say.

So we all agree that some sharp object self-stabbing injuries are accidental. But how do we avoid these? Once again, it would oversimplify the problem to say, in simple terms, "Be careful! That's sharp!"

"Hell I know it's sharp! It's a friggin harpoon! Do I look like an idiot? Oh damn! It's in my eye! Ouch! Pain!"

Yes. Now you do look like an idiot. Harpoons in the eye have that effect.

I'm sure there are statistics on this but you'll have to look them up yourself as I tell you what I think you'll find. At least 87% of all self-inflicted stab wounds come while the victim is trying to open something harmless with something harmful. Opening a beef jerky with an ice pick. A wine bottle with a steak knife. An enemy's neck with a broken wine bottle. Just a few examples.

The best advice I can offer, and this is key, is to use the right tool for the job. Corkscrews are for wine bottles. They are made to remove the cork from the bottle. They are not meant to pry open a pickle jar. Who decided that pickles should be sealed in their containers by lids with suction force witchcraft? There is only one tool on earth that can defeat this kind of sorcery. If you said "broadsword", you're right. Heed this warning and save a few stitches. If one more person misses work with the "pitchfork in my abdomen" excuse we'll probably have to start with the safety meetings again. And I for one would rather drive toothpicks under my toenails using a bayonetted rifle as a hammer.