Saturday, January 4, 2014

Simple Task, Big Mistake, Short Rant, Incoherence, Quiz

This company has easily 130,000 different forms that must be completed just to order new ink cartridges for our printers.  I think we need one more.  Here's why:


Stupid dumb ridiculous unacceptable bullshit.  Dumb! How can this happen?  If you struggling for an answer let me help you.  It rhymes with "Fincompetence".  (Ball=Dropped).

We're implementing another form, right now.  Its another document that must be completed before ordering anything.  Yes, even Chinese food, pizza, and flowers.  The document is a sworn affidavit stating that the procurement officer has checked no less than twenty-four times to make sure the order is correct.  If the document is not included, the order will not be entered.  If the document is filled out incorrectly, the order will not be entered.  Although it should never happen, let's say the order IS somehow entered under either circumstance above.  In this case the order-entry agent will be killed immediately by the corporate ninjas.  If the order-entry agent enters an order incorrectly after receiving a properly completed affidavit, the agent will be murdered in his or her sleep on the following Tuesday, by the corporate hit men.  If the procurement officer fills out the document dishonestly or otherwise attempts order fraud, he or she will be bound, gagged, and thrown in a pit of hungry corporate interns until consumed by them.  If the order is muddled, fumbled, flubbed, or otherwise dicked up by the vendor from which the order was placed, by the factory or warehouse which filled the order, or by the shipping company, (Pooch=Screwed) the offender's business will be the target of destructive military-style assaults by the corporate death squad until it ceases to be recognizable as a building and all occupants are vanquished.

I feel like I should say, "Is that clear?"

But really you don't need to worry about trying to remember all of this.  It will be spelled out in detail on the new form.  All you really need to know is that you should try to order correctly every time or conditions will become unfavorable for you.

And another thing: measels.  Apparently they are making a comeback.  What's next? Ferrets?

This may seem off topic but if you make me choose between a Buick and a donkey, I'm taking the Buick almost every time.

As you know, we hire only the best and brightest.  We like to keep our associates sharp and polished.  That's why we conduct random aptitude testing almost randomly, nearly never, but once in awhile, if the need is there and we aren't too busy.  As sharp as these little shits seem to be they still haven't figured out the the answer is "B".  Its always "B".  Every single question.  The answer is "B", as in "Boy".

Yeah, so we run a little moonshine.  What's the big deal?

And lastly, motorcycle helmets are not appropriate attire in the movie theater.  I found that out the other day.

Now, you may wonder how all of these things are related.  You're thinking too much.  Think about it.  Is it:

A) they aren't related
B) the last five paragraphs are meant to distract from the possibility that policies outlined at the beginning might be sort of illegal, depending upon what state you're in
C) all of the above
D) the answer is B