Monday, April 14, 2014

Announcements, Reminders, and Death Threats

Some announcements:

Fletch Cumberbun has been appointed chancellor of the third-shift production team bowling league.  He doesn't know what he's doing, but at least he's sober sometimes.

Effective today, no live chickens will be sold in the company store.

Last week we set a new company record for days without a workplace stabbin'.  The previous record of two days had stood for almost 14 years.  Congratulations everyone who refrained from stabbin' a co-worker.

And additional thanks to everyone who participated in our annual campaign to raise funds for our charitable foundation; Boob Jobs for Belinda.  Because of your generosity, Belinda is nearly a third of the way to her first boob job, she needs two.  If you did not participate in the fundraisers, please sign your name to the list on the bulletin board in the cafeteria which will evetually be read aloud at the company holiday party where it will be recorded and sent to local media.

We are pleased to announce that we have just completed construction of the world's largest urinal.  Located in the atrium of the Admiral Winston De Prick Library, the 474-foot tall pisser seems right at home amongst the artificial trees and drunk panhadlers within the space.  Weighing in at over two tons, the massive toilet uses 720 gallons of water per flush and the urinal cakes have to be inserted by forklift.  Careful though.  When this thing flushes it sucks the air out of the building and sometimes takes small children along with it.  

And now, some reminders:

Thursday is our annual shuttlecock swap.  Not much else to be said about it.

Thursday is also Arrogant Bastard Appreciation day, so if you want to appreciate them, go to that bar in the strip mall for karaoke night.  They will all be there.

Expense reports are due each month between the first Sunday at 11:59pm and the first Monday at 12:01am.  Any reports received outside of this timeframe will be completely ignored.

Where there's smoke, there's smoke. If you assume anything else, even though you are most likely right, you're probably wrong.

Don't shove crayons under your eyelids. There is never a good reason to do so.

Never lick a cactus.

What does a bear do in the woods?

Wait!  How did a question get in there?

Oh, there's another one!  This isn't question time.  This is reminder time.  This is about as ridiculous as a conversation can be.  I mean, you aren't even participating.  You are a terrible person.  If there was going to be a death threat it would fit nicely right here