Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Fat Chancelor

He comes 'round 'bout this time of year, dripping with bacon and holiday cheer.
His cheeks fulla jerky and his mug fulla beer, something something flying reindeer...
Ho Ho Ho is blah blah say, and he's so fat....something about a sleigh..
Donner and Blitzen and Bob and Mittens and fourteen other names.....

Awww hell.  I can't remember.  It's an old Irish Christmas ditty that makes a lot of fun of Santa Claus for being fat and all drunk and stuff.  It's really not very good for getting people in the Christmas spirit.  Nothing like the dogs barking to the tune of jingle bells.

Can a skinny person be jolly?  I can't picture it.

Advice for Santa:  The white trim on your suit would be completely ruined after the first chimney-dive.  It's only a matter of time before some six-year-old fashion and fabric expert figures that out and sees through your lies.

It probably just me but I mistake Santa Claus for Tim Allen all the time.

Have you ever gone to a restaurant and the server doesn't write down your order, or the orders of anyone else at the table?  He just stands there with his hands behind his back nodding and repeating what you say.  That causes me great anxiety.  Will he get my order right or not? If he does....impressive....if not.....what a dick!  Is it worth the risk dude? All you have to do is WRITE IT DOWN.....dick!  Well, the feeling is quadrupled with Santa.  He sees like four hundred kids a day at the mall.  They sit on his fat sweaty lap and rattle off two dozen toys and games and Lego sets and specific colors of stuff and he doesn't write down a damn thing.  Come on man!  Be professional.  Have a database.  Get these kid's social security numbers, email addresses, birth dates, psychological profiles, and a strand of hair for DNA screening.  If you mess up this order buddy you've opened a can of unfettered hell fury.  What's worse is, you and your little modified fat guy accessible sled will have already skidded back to the north pole before the outbreak and the parents of these insane midgets have to deal with it.  Don't make me ask to see the manager.

I bet no one ever challenged Santa to a race.  He would lose every time.  Unless he uses magic.  Is Santa magic?  It seems like he must be magic or something to actually "do what he does" but they never really come out and say he's magic.  I think he has to be magic since he isn't real.  Most magic things aren't real.  Most fat guys aren't magic, but this guy is different.  He wears the weird matchy-matchy clothes and hat.

It sounds like I hate Santa....and I do.  But I love Christmas and I am joyful and filled with cheer.  But I have a problem with that one song about Santa "coming to town".  It's redundant.  If he knows when you are sleeping, then he would obviously know when you're awake....because that's when you are NOT sleeping.  Also, the song is so threatening.  I always wonder: what's he gonna do to me if I don't be good for goodness sake?  Is he coming here to enforce the "don't cry or pout" rule?

Dear Santa....all I want for Christmas this year is for you to stop scaring the children.  Write that down.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Rediscover Your Childhood Superpowers

As adults, we've lost certain supernatural abilities that we possessed as children. All humans are born with superpowers. Its science. These powers are developed during infancy and generally reach full implementation by the age of two. From the age of two until around nine these powers can be very strong. They morph and refine as the child ages but beyond the age of nine they start to weaken. Many experts say that the child begins to forget their powers with the onset of sporting and other activities. The consensus is that all children completely lose their superpowers at a certain point. For girls, its when they become interested in shopping. For boys, its when they become interested in the things girls are interested in to gain the interest of girls. A child cannot have superpowers and also a drivers license.

Imagine if you could reach down into your subconscious mind and pull those powers back into your present world (be careful not to bring any suppressed memories with them...they were suppressed for a reason). Well, maybe you can't imagine it without a little reminder of the powers themselves. If you are a parent, you'll probably realize while reading this that your child indeed has (or had) these powers and maybe more.

The cute reboot
The implementation of this power usually goes something like this:
Child: "Can I have some candy?"
Parent: "Not right now dear."
Child: "But I want some candy."
Parent: "Maybe after dinner sweetie."
Child: (Tilts head to side, folds hands, widens eyes, cutes-up and smiles) "Please??? I Love you soooo much!"
(Many have the ability to change the letter "L" to "W" or leave the L's out completely, which makes this power even more powerful).
What happens is, somewhere between the words "Pease" and "wuv", the parent's brain short circuits and reboots. The child senses when the reboot is complete and the parent's brain is running in DOS mode. They wait until the see the proverbial cursor flashing and the parent's mind is ready for a command.
Child: "Candy!"
Parent: "Sure honey! Just a little.". (hands child bag of jelly beans).
Oh how useful would this be at work? Pease Mr. Customer! You're soooo smart! Sign this purchase order!

The Sour Patch Kid
This power enables the child to do diabolical deeds and go unpunished. For example, the child takes a sharpie to the new couch. Drawing a delightful mess of squiggly interlocking black circles and criss-crossing lines that stand in stark contrast to the taupe mircofiber fabric of the sofa. Dad sees the masterpiece in progress and shouts "No No No! Don't do that!" and prepares for war. The child drops the marker, runs up and latches Dad's leg in a bear hug and says "Look daddy! I made this for you! I wuv you!", pointing at the sketch.
Dad: (after a brief pause):  "Its beautiful! Thank you!"

Surely you can see the practical application of this power in your daily work. Instead of causing your unemployment, your biggest screw-up gains praise from the boss.

Instant Heavy
Its time to leave someplace fun and the child doesn't want to go. As you approach, the child senses you are about to pick her up and take her home. When you get within three feet of her, she drops to her knees and relaxes her body and screams "No! I don't want to go home!" When you try to lift her up, she applies her power to become heavier than normal. In some cases, she may reach more than 10 times her normal weight. In most instances, the parent will try unsuccessfully two or three times to lift the child. Each time the child will steadfastly remain with knees planted on the floor while her arms flail up and she slips harmlessly through the parents hands. Over the years, parents have developed tactics to defeat this power. One such tactic is offering a bribe, like ice cream.

I'm not exactly sure how you can apply this in your life, but it would be cool to suddenly become temporarily extremely heavy. I guess we adults have forgotten how useful it can be to simply lift and carry each other around. We should probably get back to that. One possible application of the instant heavy power might be when you get fired. You don't have to leave voluntarily. Make them perform a "team lift" physical extraction. Or maybe they'll pay you to leave on your own.....with ice cream or real money.

There are many more childhood superpowers and there are infinite variations of these. As adults, if we are cognizant and aware of these powers, we might be able to trigger a revival of the powers in ourselves and put them to use. And don't make the mistake of trying to fight crime with these powers. They are only for personal gain, not the greater good.

Children have certain traits that compliment the superpowers and we need to take notice. They exhibit a calm innocence dispite there cunning. They have an unwavering confidence in their point of view. They cannot be swayed by tricks, coercion, simple reason, or even hard facts. They do not care about your feelings unless they need something from you. They can make complex mathematical calculations in a fraction of a second and they have a deep understanding of physics. You wouldn't know it by their answers to your silly little word problems or by their judgement of how fast the floor will meet them when they jump off the coffee table. But these two skills allow them to throw the messiest of objects at an impossible target with incredible accuracy. Imagine a handful of mashed potatoes flying directly into your last glass of wine as you carry it across the dining room thirty feet away. First of all, a handful of mashed potatoes shouldn't stay intact over a thirty foot flight but it will. Secondly, most adults couldn't hit that target with a laser-sight and two days of practice, but the kiddos nail it on the first try. Thirdly, if you have a child, you should never put yourself in a position to be holding your LAST glass of wine.

Keep an eye on your kids (and other people's kids too). They're up to something and you might be able to learn from them.