Sunday, September 13, 2009

H1N1- There's not much time. Please Panic Quickly.

Please remain hysterical! The H1N1 virus will surely kill you this winter. Our advice: start looting right now! (Actually, you should probably contact our legal department. We have arranged for each and every employee to receive a free will and testament to insure that your legacy does not end up being divided by the state. Instead, it will go directly to the hands of the only people who have the ability to spend it responsibly, Crock ,Inc.)

If you would like to prolong your certain death you can try washing your hands every 2 1/2 minutes, wear a breathing mask, and never ever leaving your house. Myself, I can't figure out why anyone would want to prolong it. Once this first wave of swine flu makes its rounds, civilization as we know it will cease to exist....and that's the good news.

The bad news is, even if you don't have the swine flu, you do have the swine flu. If your doctor tests you for something that is not the swine flu, and it comes back positive, then you probably have the swine flu. It's hopeless, really.

I read an article in the Arnold-Imperial Leader (a Missouri newspaper) with the headline; Two students from Windsor reported to have swine flu. Obviously, the headline is enough. There is no need to read the actual story, especially not the second paragraph where it states the the doctor did not actually test these kids for the H1N1 virus, but they tested positive for Influenza Type A. "But", the article said, "It is most likely that theses kids have swine flu because its too early for the regular flu."

Isn't that precious? We use this type of thinking quite often here at Crock, Inc. Like when we receive a complaint about our products or services. We tell the complainers that we'll get to the bottom of it. Then we ask a satisfied customer if they have ever experienced the same problem. As you might guess, they usually answer "no". Then we call the complaining bitch/moaner back and tell them that we checked into it and it appears that there is no problem whatsoever because we tested another customer and they are fine. We tell them to grab another bag of Cheetos and sit there in their own filth and try to figure out how to bother someone else with their incessant whining. "Don't ever call us again", we say. "Let not the word Crock pass through your lips again in this life. Pull your blinds tight lest the outside world see your shame in the light of day. Do not leave your house of unsanitary bliss. That should keep you healthy for a while longer. But of course you are doomed anyway."

Our official policy on the swine flu pandemic is as follows: Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

Please refrain from taking measures to reduce the spread of this virus so that we will all become stronger unless we are dead. And by all means, Panic quickly.

Thank You.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Guns: Great for Killing People, But Do They Have Other Uses?

Surprisingly, the answer is "YES".

While we all know that the main purpose of a gun is to kill people, there are some other uses that may not come easily to mind when the subject (of guns, or killing people) arises at the water cooler. In the interest of saving lives, I would like to pass along some of these uses.

Among the secondary purposes for firearms, I am the most partial to "Brandishing". In case you are not familiar with the term, brandishing in the sense used here, is when a firearm is handled in a conspicuous manor, allowing all within eyesight to know of it's presence and subsequently feel intimidation as intended. Generally, when this technique is used, the gun's primary use becomes unnecessary. Sometimes, you may need to add a verbal compliment to brandishing activity in order to obtain the full effect. I suggest shouting phrases like; "Everyone down on the floor now or I'll remind you what this thing is for!", or " I'm not sure if you are aware but this is a gun and it's normally used to kill people!"(actually, the second one saves a step due to the fact that you have in fact already reminded them what a gun is for).

Another oft overlooked use for a gun is "pistol whipping". This is an activity akin to "bitch-slapping" where the gun is held in hand whilst that hand is wreaking havoc upon a persons face, head, neck, ribcage, and/or back. Believe it or not, this works with a rifle or shotgun as well. Normally, the victim of a "pistol-whippin'" will fall to the ground immediately (sometimes they will say "ouch dude!") and killing them will not be necessary.

Although there are many more uses for guns, I will offer this final activity; paperweighting. I prefer the 45 caliber handgun for this. It will certainly hold the papers in place under most circumstances and it is small enough to allow you to see the papers underneath. This is actually a dual-purpose purpose for a gun. While the gun is holding your important documents firmly on your desk amidst the relentless ceiling-fan-force gale, it is also being brandished. Believe me, every visitor to your office will notice the weapon and, in most cases, they won't make you kill them with it. Granted, there will be the occasional curious soul who asks, "Is that real?". When this happens, try adding the verbal compliments suggested above. If that fails to satisfy the curiosity, I suggest moving immediately to pistol-whipping.

I hope this article has given you some things to think about. Perhaps you can even come up with your own ways to use your gun that does not require killing people. If I've saved one life by writing this, it was well worth the effort. If I've saved three lives, I'm money ahead. If I've saved more than three lives, well, then I will erect a monument to myself right next to the other monument to me in the front lawn of the HZ. (Stay tuned to this blog if you don't know what HZ means). Please, don't send me ideas like; hunting, or target practice. These activities fell out of favor around the time of the great east-coast-rappers vs. west-coast-rappers war that claimed the lives of Tupac and Biggie.