Saturday, December 31, 2016

2017: A Look at the Year to Come

Rather than the typical review of the year that was, We thought it would be a unique and original idea (which will now be copied by most everyone in the media) to look at the year to come.  Never mind where we've been, it's where we're going that counts.  If we walk looking backwards, we might run into a pole or a homeless person. Better to keep focussed on the road ahead.  Those are wise words of wisdom delivered wisely.  

So, looking ahead.  This coming year will be different from the outgoing year in one big way.  The new year will be known as 2017.  Goodbye to that old tired 2016 banner at the top of your calendar.  That was a dumb name for a year anyway. 2017 has a better ring to it.  Sure, the new year is a number, just like the old year.  But the cleverness of incrementing the name by just one digit really sets it apart. We love it already.  This means that in 2017 we can do just one more awesome thing.  Okay.  Maybe that's not what it means, but it's the thought that counts.

Here are some bold predictions for 2017:

- There will be at least 12 months in the year.  In fact, most calendars have already been printed with exactly twelve months.  Everyone has already agreed on names for these months, so we can't change them now. If additional months are needed, the extra calendar pages can be purchased at our company store or on our website.  
- We are not going to observe leap year in 2017.  We strongly believe that this will be a traditional 365-day year.  It's a tribute to three of the four years past.  The month known as February will still be the quirky little 28-day midget that we all hated last year.  Take note: this means that you don't get that bonus day to think about doing something spectacular but never get around to it.
-  Someone famous will die in 2017.  It will be reported that a famous person died unexpectedly, but here you see us predict this clearly in advance.  Don't be fooled.  It was planned all along.
-  The number one song of 2017 will be hated by everyone in the world before the end of the year.  We will know all the words and wish we could forget them.  We will cringe at every note.  If you have those days where you wake with a stupid song in your head that makes you want to pop out your own eyeballs with a flat head screwdriver, that's probably the song.
- There will be a natural disaster.  We're not saying where or when.  Everyone everywhere should just be prepared.  You know?  Bottled water in the bunker and such.
- Some kittens may be born.  Someone might post videos of their antics as they grow up throughout the year.  

That's probably enough.  2017 is coming.  Celebrate the future tonight my friends!  

Saturday, December 24, 2016

10 Tips to Make This Christmas Better Than Last

1. Wait until at least 11am to start drinking, unless you still have to run to
Wal-mart.  In that case, giddyup.

2. Avoid Wal-mart.

3. Get Grandma a gift so her disapproving stare doesn't haunt you all year again.

4. Do NOT, under any circumstances, use the words "dry" and "ham" in a conversation with your mother.

5. When someone gives you a gift, try responding with "thank you" instead of  "this better not be another stupid-ass tie".

6. The maximum amount of time you should spend with family is three hours.  Set your alarm.

7. Remember, every gift a child opens will need $80 worth of batteries, will need to be assembled, and will make incredibly loud and obnoxious noises. The best way to avoid this is to not invite children.

8. Wait one more year before you regift that tin of popcorn.  They'll forget.  Plus that stuff ages well.

9. Cursing is unavoidable, but try to keep it under you breath whenever possible.  Of course sometimes you will have to scream obscenities.  Everything in moderation.

10. Wear pants.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Did the Cubs Win?

Here's a weird sentence: The Chicago Cubs are World Champions.  

Here's another one: Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs.

And one more:  Finger monkey slushies never want raisins on whole wheat.

Okay,  that last one is really weird.  And off topic.  However,  all three of them are rarely written.  The first two I made up all by myself.  The last one is from MacBeth, or was it Othello?  One of those.

Well, now to the point.  Last night millions of people watched as the Cubs beat the Indians to win their first World Series title since 1908.  Do you know how many people watched them win in 1908?  6,210.  That's right.  Just the people who were actually inside the stadium.  That's because the television wouldn't be invented for another 19 years.  That may be difficult to imagine for some of us today.  Even if you did not watch the game last night, this morning you are no doubt being pummeled with highlights and social media buzz.  It's to be expected.  When something happens that hasn't happened since my kids' grandparents' parents' parents were alive, it's kind of a big deal.  Sure, it's baseball.  But baseball is kind of a big deal.  Not because I say so, but because.....well, look at the buzz.  It was a big deal before I declared it so.

I've seen some of this buzz (this is where we are in society; we now SEE buzz).  At least eleven people have congratulated the Cubs on their victory and included the words "well deserved".  I agree.  It was a well deserved victory.  But I think the reason it is well deserved is misunderstood.  The Cubs did not deserve to win just because it's been 108 years since they last did.  Baseball doesn't dish out titles evenly around the league but just decided to skip the Cubs in the rotation for more than a century.  Teams actually have to play games.  Lots of them.  They have to win the games.  The winner has to win a bunch of them during the season, and then several more in the playoffs.  In fact,  in the playoffs they have to win more than anyone else to become champions.  For now, at least.  Major League Baseball still keeps score.  So the Cubs deserved the title because they played well.  They had a great season and they outplayed their opponents in the playoffs.  That usually equals a championship.  It's earned.  It's well deserved.  

However, I must admit I liked the Cubs better when they were losers.  By "liked" I mean that I enjoyed reminding their fans that the first mass-produced Model T Ford automobile was only two weeks old the last time the Cubs held a trophy. 

I have a suspicion that even die hard Cubs fans, although elated right now, will eventually start believing that their team has lost something despite their winning. Maybe being perennial losers had an upside.  Maybe the tradition of losing instills a sort of upside down pride in fans.  They could always say they've stayed with the team through thick and thin (almost entirely thin).  Now, the die hards will find themselves surrounded by band-wagoners.  There will be a huge Craigslist market for used white sox merchandise as the sox fans convert to Cubs gear.  This win could turn out to be a curse for Cubs fans.  What's next?  A new stadium? 

Speaking of curses: The Cubs were said to be under the curse of the goat.  I don't even want to explain that for those who don't know already but this curse has been a good excuse for Cubs teams and fans for a long long time.  That's all gone now.  

Don't worry, I have this little guy in training for next year.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

I've Heard Rumors

Rumors are fun. I'm not sure how they start but when one gets momentum it seems to travel the world in a day.  The really good ones usually involve some major product or brand that people love and use all the time.  And they're usually designed to scare the ever-lovin-bejeevers out of the average housewife. I would just like to share a few of the rumors that I've heard told by assholes or seen spread around social media by vegans.  There is not really any point to this but you can discuss these with yourself or your friends if you have any.

I'm sure you've heard, McDonald's McRib sandwich is made out of cardboard and probably recycled sandals or loafers. That's the rumor. The Chicken McNuggets are made out of mostly pink toothpaste with some hot dog added for color. Some hot dogs have chicken in them but this is the only chicken that has hot dogs in it. (Note: potential new grillin' favorite; hot dog stuffed chicken). Speaking of hot dogs; I have a feeling that they are made with pieces of animal carcass that wolves leave behind.  And they mix the animals together in those things too!  Cow snouts and pigs rectum in the same sausage, cavorting with chicken entrails.  Who cares? Yummy!

Procter and Gamble worship Satan. I don't even know where that one came from.  Is there a Mr. Procter and Mr. Gamble who conduct ritualistic animal sacrifices on the weekends, but during the week they invent things like the "quicker picker upper"?  Do they drink the blood of a tiny innocent lamb at night while, during the day, blessing the world with diapers that don't leak piss all over Grandma?  I guess so. You do know that when you put Pampers on your baby you  are giving them over to the devil, right? I'll bet you $400,000 P&G at some point invited Mr. Oscar Mayer to one of those weekend rituals and ole Oscar invented hot dogs right there on the spot.  You know? Because...the carcasses....

Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey contains high levels of some kind of toxin that makes you die.  I know it contains high levels of a toxin that makes you more fun for about an hour, then it makes you piss yourself and throw up on a stranger.  I'm not sure where the dying part happens.  Maybe the stranger who you puked on kills you or maybe you just go home and die later.  Not necessarily later that night, but probably sometime years, maybe even decades later.  All of us who have tried Fireball have to face up to the fact that we will one day die because of the toxin it contains.  I think that toxin is either antifreeze or the stuff that they put in the radiators of cars.  Maybe both.  Anyway, Fireball's slogan is "Tastes like heaven, Burns like hell".  Nice, considering you may go to one or the other immediately within decades of drinking it.  I guess if you go to the latter you can get the scoop on Procter and Gamble straight from the Satanist's mouth  I think that's how the saying goes.

This one is more pleasant.  Kind of a feel-good rumor.  And quite right for the season by total coincidence.  I'm only calling it a rumor because there are a few deniers out there who say this isn't true. I guess the rumor is the denial rather than the other way around.  Anyway, the all natural, organic, wholesome and nutritious Cadbury Creme Egg is, I believe, a REAL egg laid by one very special bunny rabbit.  Loaded with protein and Omega 3 fatty acids these delectable treats are an Easter-time favorite (the eggs, not the bunny).  When you bite, the chocolate-like shell gives way to the sweet and creamy goodness of the potential-future-baby-rabbit sauce inside.  You would never get a kid to eat a raw chicken egg, shell and all, yet they'll suck these down like they're candy.  But they're NOT.  Like I said, they are REAL eggs laid by this one certain bunny who has been pampered and protected and kept alive since 1963 by all means necessary so as not to lose this wonderful resource. Now some good news and bad news: the good news is that the eggs will never hatch.  The people who enjoy eating them can chomp away guilt free knowing they are not taking the life of a cute wittle bunny wabbit before it even develops.  The bad news is that the eggs will never hatch. It means there will never be another Cadbury bunny.  At least not one that can lay these delightful snacks.  This bunny is one of a kind.  A national treasure.  You would think "maybe the Easter bunny lays these eggs".  But this is a different bunny.  A real bunny.  The Easter bunny looks more like a guy in a rabbit costume than a regular.....OMG!!  The Easter bunny is a guy in a rabbit costume!

Ha ha ha!  I got you there.  Just trying to start a rumor of my own.  First, a taste of heaven, then I'm off to McDonald's.  I wish they sold hot dogs.