Saturday, December 24, 2016

10 Tips to Make This Christmas Better Than Last

1. Wait until at least 11am to start drinking, unless you still have to run to
Wal-mart.  In that case, giddyup.

2. Avoid Wal-mart.

3. Get Grandma a gift so her disapproving stare doesn't haunt you all year again.

4. Do NOT, under any circumstances, use the words "dry" and "ham" in a conversation with your mother.

5. When someone gives you a gift, try responding with "thank you" instead of  "this better not be another stupid-ass tie".

6. The maximum amount of time you should spend with family is three hours.  Set your alarm.

7. Remember, every gift a child opens will need $80 worth of batteries, will need to be assembled, and will make incredibly loud and obnoxious noises. The best way to avoid this is to not invite children.

8. Wait one more year before you regift that tin of popcorn.  They'll forget.  Plus that stuff ages well.

9. Cursing is unavoidable, but try to keep it under you breath whenever possible.  Of course sometimes you will have to scream obscenities.  Everything in moderation.

10. Wear pants.

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