Tuesday, February 28, 2012

In a World Ruled By Squirrels, Your Math Skills Are Worthless

There is nothing more frustrating than having to apply mathematics in daily life. Math is like an idiot; you can't argue with it. It's witchcraft. Why are so many artists, journalists, athletes, truck drivers, homeless people, and IRS agents around here? Because they all hate math and try to avoid it at all costs. We reserve the jobs like cashier, bartender, server, and geothermal engineer for the younger folk, mostly students or those who recently retired from a career as a student. These careers need math to function so they are best suited for those who have freshly learned the subject. It isn't like riding a bike. Once we leave school, we forget how to do it. Within a year of leaving school, we have put enough distance between ourselves and math that we will hand some greasy punk a $20 bill through the drive-up window and when he returns our change, we just stuff it in our fanny packs without question because we no longer have the ability to refute the mathematical prowess of a below average high school student.

A train leaves here and another leaves there and they each go some differing amount of fast, assuming they are on the same track, they will collide. If I hadn't stripped out all of the numbers, this would be a math problem to figure out when and where they might crash. Even without all the data, I can eliminate this problem. Change the train schedule! Plain ole logic. Why make a problem where there isn't one? Why complicate the matter by mathematicalizing it?

Here's a real problem: Squirrels! They're every-friggin'-where! These things are overgrown mice with ninja-like capabilities. Math cannot stop them. They'll chew your house to shreds in an evening. They steal babies and scare old ladies. They've organized militia to overthrow sitting mayors in seventeen US cities already. They're breeding a master race! It ain't good people. Wake up! Put down your scientific calculators and stop trying to solve for x! We need to work on the squirrel issue! We're being overrun. They're eating into our bottom line (I think. Haven't really calculated it because I forgot how). Just look at this list. It will damage you for life, but be sure to like us in facebook(see the button to the right- no math involved). That's important.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Reading Between the Lies

I love reading. In fact, the main reason I am writing this is so I can read it later. I will read just about anything. When I see words, I usually read them (unless there are too many of them or they are written in another language like British or Canadian).

In these times where any horses-ass can write a blog and so-called news arrives quite literally out of thin air into our hands, there is no shortage of material.

I've noticed though, that just because someone writes and it gets published, doesn't make it true. It also doesn't make the author an expert know-it-all. When it comes to news, advice, motivation, business, etc., we hope that people write about things they know. Sadly, this is not the case. I'm proof of that.

It is my opinion that everyone who writes in these categories, or any category, is lying. Actually, that's a fact. Everyone who ever wrote anything is either lying or an idiot, with few exceptions (the bible and Rich Dad, Poor Dad are the only two).

Yes, even your Grandma's grocery list she lovingly crafted over the course of a week! Everything! Every facebook post is false. Every tweet is a big fat lie. Every blog post is a long-winded inaccurate deceitful malicious ploy or a pile of worthless blubber from an evil stupid genius. I don't need to give examples. These are blanket statements so you can find your own. Stop reading that garbage! Well, don't stop. Just read with a grain of salt.

If you find yourself thinking that I have a good point right about now, please shove your own fist rapidly into your face, then repeat. I'm writing, therefore I am lying!

Writers of fictional material lie all the time, totally on purpose, and they don't even try to hide it. So that's cool. I can live with that. I wonder who writes the little tags on tee shirts? Those things piss me off. Always rubbing up against my neck and stuff. I've never read them though. I'm sure they are full of diabolical falsehoods like; "wash with like colors", or, "tumble dry low". What does that even mean? I have noticed that some of the tags have replaced words with symbols. I guess they want to get through to me since they know that I know the written words are lies.

Whatever. That should be enough to put me to sleep later when I read this.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Goals Suck.

I know a lot of people in the business world make a big friggin' deal about setting goals. The truth is, goals will only get you so far. They might win the soccer game, but they are, like, totally overrated in business.

Sure, companies and entrepenuers generally swear by the damn things, from the mildly successful to the wildly filthy stinkin' rich. And sure, those who fail to set goals and make plans are usually those who find themselves flipping burgers and wishing they hadn't used that line of funding for a yacht and plastic surgery. Coincidence? Yes. I have a point and I will eventually get to it. First though, I will ramble on for a few sentences.

I've always tried to instill a sense of purpose into the corporate culture here at Crock. (cough, choke, vomit) I can't even continue that line of BS. Let's try this:

A man wakes up to find himself in the middle of the desert. All he can see is sand to the horizon in all directions. And then he died.

Or.....maybe he decided that he wanted to get out of the current situation. But how? He had very little choice. He picked a direction and started walking. As he walked, the terrain slowly started to change. The sand became dotted here and there with cacti and scrub brush(not the kind you use to clean the toilet but the gnarled looking bushy things usually found in western movies). He continued to walk. Eventually, the desert gave way to grassy plains, then rolling hills and scattered trees, a stream with fresh clean water, a forest, and finally an all-inclusive beach resort with scantily-clad women who served him cocktails and assorted seafood delicacies happily ever after. The end.

How does this story apply to you? It doesn't. But here's how it applies to me:

See, the guy in the story took himself from a dried up pile of bones in the middle of the desert to a very happy man, and he did it with no clear goal, no advice from experts, and no multi-phase plan of action. He could have easily set some lame goal of "find water", or "get rescued", but he didn't. He set in motion a one-step plan: go "that way". You could argue that he had a goal but you would lose the argument. He just set his sights on the horizon and walked. The horizon is not a goal or a destination because as you move towards it, it moves away. No one has ever gone to the horizon where they built a house, raised a family, purchased groceries online, and formed a grammy-winning rap/metal quartet. That never happened and never will. The man in the story set his sights on something unattainable and wound up with something much better. I'll take the women serving me stuff on the beach every time if my other choice is "the horizon". I don't care if you throw in a "find water" an two "get rescued"s. (the choice might get tougher if you offered up a basket of bacon).

And....The point! Don't set goals. If you do, you will settle for meeting them. Pick a direction and go "that way". It'll take you places you never dreamed.

I have no need for investors in business, or a boss, but you do. They love it when they ask you for a business plan and you tell them "we are aiming for the horizon". A sure promotion will follow when your boss asks you where you are headed and you say in bold confidence (using your best cartoon superhero voice without regard for your boss' age or gender), "Step aside old woman! I'm going that way!"

Of course I realize that some of you will feel naked without goals so here are a few that would be acceptable:

- capture a unicorn
- find a word that rhymes with purple
- become Spiderman
- successfully and correctly complete your own tax return
- lead a horse to water and make his ungrateful ass drink it

You get it by now I hope. But before taking advice from me, keep in mind that I sometimes leave the house with less than a full set of shoes and I drink early and often.

Oh! And for the record, as far as I'm concerned the basket of bacon would win every time. It's much more attainable. In fact, here comes one now! Gotta go!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Pondering the Pros and Cons of an Underground Society

I wonder if there will be cell service when we all live and work in the center of the earth? I am anticipating that there will a hefty cooling bill, but I assume we will be able to use geo-thermal. I'm guessing solar power won't help much. Oh well, at least there won't be mosquitos. Or will there? It is the center of the earth. (I feel your pain faithful employees!) Who would have thought your job could get any closer to hell? It might even be IN actual hell. If so, then at least we can answer the question about cell serivce. It'll be T-Mobile, the official wireless company of hell.