Pondering the Pros and Cons of an Underground Society

I wonder if there will be cell service when we all live and work in the center of the earth? I am anticipating that there will a hefty cooling bill, but I assume we will be able to use geo-thermal. I'm guessing solar power won't help much. Oh well, at least there won't be mosquitos. Or will there? It is the center of the earth. (I feel your pain faithful employees!) Who would have thought your job could get any closer to hell? It might even be IN actual hell. If so, then at least we can answer the question about cell serivce. It'll be T-Mobile, the official wireless company of hell.

I Need to Know who Unplugged the Scoreboard

We were well beyond our previous record and each day we set a new record for "Days without a Work-related Death". We had the electronic scoreboard all fancied up and installed on the marquee out front. Last night when I left I specifically remember looking at it and thinking, "One-hundred-twelve days! Really? Now that's impressive!".

As I drove away my chest swelled with pride and my eyes began to water. I was jolted back to reality when I realized that I had mistakenly driven across the walk-bridge that spans the corporate lake/pollution reservoir and out into the yard. It's amazing how the brain works. I mean, the bridge is very narrow yet I kept the car on it without even knowing what I was doing.

I found my way out to the street and headed home. When I arrived and pulled into the garage. It was the damnedest thing, there was a weed eater stuck in my front bumper. I'll tell you right now this kind of thing hasn't happened to me since 2003. I promptly removed the device and never gave it another thought.

Now, this morning when I drove up, I saw a big fat ZERO on the "Days-without-a-work-related-death" scoreboard. Obviously, someone must have unplugged it accidentally.

The Significance of Snazzy Pens

I've been thinking lately about how important it is to have a nice pen. Not very. I have pondered this quite some time. As I have met with many powerful and influential people over the years, I have taken note of the pens they use. I have also met with many non-essential humans, such as those whom I would interview for various low-level positions here at Crock, Inc. As I reflect on this matter, I have found that the niceness of one's pen is inversely proportional to one's status in life.

Many times, when I meet with the powerful and influential, I see that they carry a standard Bic 2360 Model click pen, a Scripto 1400 capped ball-point, or other equivalent model. Blue or black ink, it's about 50-50. Sometimes they don't bring a pen at all.

When interviewing candidates for common-folk type positions within this company, I find that they always bring their own pen. Nine times out of ten it's black ink. These things are usually very shiny silver with special grips and explosion-proof technology. I find that interesting.

Did you know that some of the richest people in the world carry handkerchiefs? This is weird. They actually blow their nose on a piece of cloth and then stuff it, snot and all, right back in their pockets. In this case, I wonder why they have ruled out the sleeve option. At least then, when the inter-pocket mingling happens, they wouldn't get snot on their cheap pens. I think that's why the commoners go with the sleeve, you know, because of the fancy pens.

I was also thinking that paper clips are funny. Somewhere, someone owns a business making these things. And staples! What about those? Imagine making staples for a living. I think a paperclip is just a less-permanent staple.

The other day I was talking with our rubber band sales guy and I found out something interesting; Did you know that the average commission on a rubber-band is half a cent per 100,000 units? I'm no mathematician, but how much do you think he takes home per year after taxes? I can't figure it out.

Someone needs to invent something to stop this fan from blowing the papers off of my desk.

I have a friend who's Unlce invented the little plastic tube things that they put on the end of shoelaces. He's a multi-millionaire and he writes with half of a broken crayon, light green.

Have You Checked the Government's Credit Score Lately?

I have. It's not good. I'm starting to rethink my lending practices.

When I started paying into the social security system, I checked a few references and made Uncle Sam fill out a net worth statement. I weighed the government's debt-to-income ratio. I even pulled Equifax AND TransUnion reports on them. It wasn't good then, but I ignored it in the interest of fairness. I mean, doesn't everyone have the right to take money directly out of mypaycheck and use it for whatever they wish?

Now, however, in the wake of a lending crunch (tater chips), I'm cancelling the open line of credit I've extended to the feds. I'm fairly certain that I'm not going to get my money back voluntarily.

As the incredibly talented (and young, and handsome, and intelligent, and modest) CEO of an uber-successful fake corporation, you can imagine how much money I actually bring home. Well, that may not be true. It is an obscene and possibly unfathomable number. Not to mention, I have been skimming some off the top for years now, plus, I have a massive "golden parachute" and a stock portfolio that could choke a big fat stock portfolio eater. Over the course of my illustrious career, $1(insert a whole bunch of zeros) has been seized from my paychecks for my government-mandated government-managed retirement account also know as "social security".

Since I make sick money, and since the government has already spent what they confiscated from me, I'll never see a dime of it back. Where I come from, that's called "default". The government is a deadbeat street thief. It's time to cut them loose and call in the note.

I've already sent three letters. One letter was a "friendly reminder" stating that " perhaps you have overlooked your bill" and asking them to "please call my office to make payment arrangements". No response. Another was a bit more stern. Something like "your account is past due" and "if your payment is not submitted within ten business days, your account may be reported to credit agencies". No response. The third letter was very brief; "Your refusal to respond has left me no choice but to pursue action against your physical well-being". I'm sending Veto and Murray out the Washington to break some legs.

I can't even get them to give me some lame excuse. Hey governement! See this for some good excuses.

Top 9 Reasons Why This is Not a Top 10 List

1) There are only nine reasons on the list.

2) Top 10 lists are popular.

3) Top 10 list are popular because you all have short attention spans. This list is better because it's shorter. That's why it's shorter; to make it better.

4) Earlier this year, Congress passed a law that changed the qualifications for list-making. Before the law, it only took two items to be considered a list. Now, it takes more than two. That means it could take three, or four, or 2.1. In protest to this new law, and governments intrusion into the list list business, we refuse to create lists with an even number of items.

5) There is no "10" in a hexadecimal numbering system.

6) We love you.

7) When Ones and Zeros get together, they tear sh*t up.

8) Have you ever heard of a "Top Nine List"?

9) See number 10.

Corporate Ninja Training Postponed

Since we don't have a squadron of secret corporate ninjas, I don't have to tell you that Flanksham's Ninja training class for next week is postponed while we search for a new venue. Things got a little wild this week.

E. Coli De Gallo - The Taste of Summer

First, some people got sick. It must have been something they ate. Then, the piss-poor investigation began and ended with the conclusion: Someone put E-Coli in the Tomatoes (actually salmonella, but it doesn't sound as good).

Although saddened by the suffering of the individuals who were sickened, I was not upset when tomatoes were found guilty. I don't really care for them. When I pulled up to the drive up at Burger King and saw the sign explaining why there would be no tomato on any Whoppers or anything else, I was not concerned. I was going to tell them to "Hold the tomato" anyway.

I think we would all get along just fine without these fruits-maybe-vegetables-but-probably-fruits. Other than maybe the Italians. Hey Guys! What about a nice cream sauce? A white wine reduction? My friend Alfredo? Screw the red sauce dudes. We can do without.

Oh, and the Mexicans. God help us all if salsa is not available. I do enjoy tomato-based enchilada sauce, but I can live with Queso instead. However, I would appreciate it if you kindly keep your malevolent bacteria away from the jalapenos. I love those things.

That being said, wouldn't you know it? The investigation is re-opened. It seems people are still getting sick. And guess what? Like I said before, it must have been something they ate. So now the FDA or the CDC or the PTA or whatever is looking into foods commonly paired with tomatoes. They mentioned cilantro, which did not worry me. But then came the stupid part. It might be the Jalapenos! The Horror!!

I'm stockpiling my spicy green friends now before they get yanked.

Keep It Up Mr. Unknown Bathroom Graffiti Genius!

....I enjoyed this and thank you for defacing company property. I always wondered how to operate the bacon dispenser. If you're out there, have you ever considered a position as a technical writer?

Have you ever Wondered Where Puppies Come From?

I have the answer!!

Puppies come from a triple-wide mobile home in Tuscon, Arizona.

I've heard there is good money in dog breeding but this is dumb.

Just my luck, I have 796 immediate office staff-members up here. I can one-stop-shop for Christmas presents.

Excuse me ma'am. Do you offer discounts for the ones with missing paws?

Low-Hanging Chandaliers (and Other Problems Pygmies Don't Have)

I have this chandelier in my office. It was given to me by Robert Mugabe, the President of Zimbabwe in 1991 as a token of his appreciation for my contribution of clean socks to be worn by Amos Midzi, his Minister of Mines. (Amos hadn't changed socks for like three days). It is a truly magnificent addition to the decor of the office. There's just the one problem; I keep knocking myself senseless while jazzercizing my way around the room when on the phone (some people pace, I jazzercize).

Earlier today, when I bipped my forehead on the thing again, a thought occurred to me. I bet the Pygmy People never had this problem.

I intercommed Sue and had her check the database to see if we have any Pygmies working for us. I wanted to speak directly to a real live Pygmy and find out. Call it a little social experiment of my own. I have a theory that being a Pygmy has many benefits that are often overlooked in the debate about Pygmy equality. Our politicians and civil-rights leaders will never admit that Pygmies don't bump their heads on low-hanging chandeliers. They won't admit that being able to pass ones self off as a hobbit has great advantages. (Like second breakfasts). You won't hear them tell you that pygmies get most of their meals off of the kids menu and get in free to many places when they hang out with the "tall people". Plus, I've tried, I can't pull off the Sour Patch Kids routine, but I bet a Pygmy could!





Getting carded for cigarettes (most pygmies are smokers) and not being able to get on some amusement park rides can't be all that bad. They can squeeze themselves into the smallest of spaces, which is useful in rescuing rescue dogs who get stuck in small spaces where regular-sized people have gotten stuck and are in need of rescue. Also, they get to go through life with an excuse for sub-par performance , what with the tiny brains and all.

Anyway, Sue found that we have not had a Pygmy associate since records have been kept. Hopefully we are not in violation of any affirmative action laws. I may never be able to prove my theory. Who knows?

But I did find this information.

We Will Not Negotiate with Pirates

In these crazy times we live in, I feel it necessary to repeat the long-standing Crock policy: Attention Pirates!! We will not negotiate with you. You can high jack our ships all you want. We're going to ignore you. Return from whence ye came. (Although we are intrigued by the live goats).

Yes readers, it is true. These people still exist. Check it out.

We used to think pirates were cool. "Ahoy there maties", we used to say. Now, we do not speak to them. They lost some of their mystique when they stared using speedboats and cellphones. The days of the eye-patch and peg-leg are long gone. We tend to agree with the guy in the CNN article who describes them as " "unsophisticated hoodlums" and "full of bluster and lies to make themselves look tougher than they were."

The whole pirate industry has gone to hell. It's nothing like the days when Flanksham ran things.

It's the Stupid, Economy

The following is what we believe would happen if a Media Economic Expert Person (MEEP) were to interview the Economy. I think you'll find that the Economy is somewhat of a smart-ass.


MEEP: How are you?

Economy: Great!

MEEP: You're critics would say you're not doing so well.

Economy: Well, that's what critics do now isn't it?

MEEP: But they say you're headed for recession.

Economy: Look. I have to explain this to you. It's not "they" who say this. It's You. The more you say it, the harder it is for me to do my job.

MEEP: So are you saying that you're poor performance recently is because of me?

Economy: First of all, it's not poor performance. It's simply not as good as my recent awesome and spectacular performance. I AM NOT recession-ing now. If you keep saying that I am, then I might.

MEEP: Why is that?

Economy: You're an idiot. If you tell people that I'm all washed up, that I've lost my momentum or tired out, they will start behaving as if I have already died. They will freak out.

MEEP: How so?

Economy: They will curl up in their homes and sit on every dime. That does not really stimulate me. It doesn't really "move the product" if you know what I mean.

MEEP: What does stimulate you?

Economy: Stimulus.

MEEP: Are you referring to the economic stimulus tax rebate?

Economy: You bet I am. I'm so excited about this thing that I can't hardly contain myself. I'm just sitting here ready to erupt in a flurry of activity. All you need to do is not say anything. Shut your lettuce chopper and let me do my thing. If you utter one word about my positive changes being a "bubble" or call then "unsustainable", I'll spin around and fill your personal finances full of hornets and locusts. It will not be pretty.

MEEP: I don't take kindly to threats.

Economy: I don't take kindly to inflation. I wonder if an anti-inflammatory will work. Perhaps some Preparation-H?

MEEP: Since you brought it up....How's the inflation treating you?

Economy: Oh hell! If this is how we're going to operate, we might as well Jimmy Carter a call.

MEEP: Are you feeling any impact at all from the astronomical price of fuel these days?

Economy: Probably about as much as you will soon be impacted by my fist. You and your ilk have totally forgotten about the rules of supply and demand. You think that we have no choice but to reduce our demand for oil. The reality is, we need a supply increase. That's right. Sorry caribou. You are a lesser being.

MEEP: So it is your opinion that we need to open up the Alaskan Wilderness to the oil companies?

Economy: It's not a wilderness. It's a barren patch of frozen flatness with nothing but wind and migratory animals passing through. It just so happens, there's oil in them there plains! We need to get it out of there and use it. You see, I'm really all about leaving the most money possible in the hands of the general public. I want the things they need to be cheap and plentiful so they have plenty of "throw-around" cash to buy things like gargantuan TVs, portable devices that could take over the world, or the largest most obnoxious vehicles available if they so choose. That's what really makes me happy.

MEEP: Well I think we know where you stand. It was nice talking with you today.

Economy: No it wasn't.

The Check's in the Mail...and Eleven Other Things People Say to Avoid Paying

I remember back in the early days when I had to hassle myself with everyday business tasks (back when I was working in the business instead of on the business). I used to have to pick up the phone and call the customers who were late on payments. In our business, we call this task "collections". Perhaps you've heard of it.

Looking back, I think I generally enjoyed this task. You get some real "pieces of work".

I've compiled a list of some of the excuses people had for non-payment along with my response for each.



1) The Check is in the mail.

We've all heard that one, and maybe used it a time of two ourselves. It's especially funny though when the customer is in the same building as you.



2) I suffer from a rare medical condition that has drained me financially.

I didn't know gambling and prostitutes were considered medical conditions, but that's what insurance is for.



3) I was on my way to bring you the money but I was swallowed by a whale.

Everyone knows that whales will spit humans out after a couple of days. Especially those Mid-western whales.

Or

You get great cell service from inside a whale. Are all those Verizon Network guys in there with you?



4) I paid you once.

Oh sorry, my mistake. Shoulda caught that one.



5) My wife handles the bills and she is locked in a cage in the basement at the moment.

(Click)



6) Ich verstehe Englisch nicht.

Pardon?



7) You people make me sick with your "always wanting paid for products or services rendered".

Ohhhhh. You are not paying to make a political statement? You hate capitalism for a living? Do they have a good benefits package?



8) Can I call you right back? My brother just found a dead cat in the crawlspace and I gotta check it for ticks.

Never mind. Just keep the money.



9) You sound like a reasonable man. Would you accept a 1933 steel penny as payment? It's worth $1400 easy.

If you give me 140000 of them, we'll call it even.

10) Dude! Is it like, before noon? It's way too early to be saying numbers and stuff.

Dude! I'll call you back when you are awake and baked.

11) You'll get your money with interest. Right now it's tied up in an investment. I've figured a way to beat the odds on scratch-off Lottery Tickets.

Awesome. How can I get in on that?

12) I've spent all my money on my research. I am very close to refining cat piss into a usable fuel source.

Awesome! How do I get in on that?

Houses: Buy One-and-a-half, Get a Half of One Free

The headline is yet another stoke of genius from Crock, Inc. This should end the housing slump once and for all. This new marketing concept not only encourages people to buy TWO houses, but it also sounds much better than "Buy one, get the second half off". Any time you can use the word "free", it's money. All we need to complete our ad is a "call to action" and a" sense of urgency".



Let's see.....what could our call to action be? How about "Be the first on your block to buy two houses at once!! Call Now!"? Will that do it?



Now for a sense of urgency. This is usually done with an expiration date or by saying something like "While Supplies Last" or "Buy it before I beat your ass". I will choose the expiration date method. I believe that our expiration date for this offer will be; One day before the end of existence, and not one day before.



Uh oh. I think I've just created a paradox.

File Under "Speechless"

...and "Useless".

How to Draw a Hexagon.

Follow the link and read the article, but also be sure to click the "discuss" button and read the comments. You will see that we have people assinged to this one. Good work team!

Missing Office Supplies....there must be a logical explanation

I'm sure it happens in every office. Ink pens disappear, paperclips vanish, toilet paper seems to walk out the door. The good news is, for our office at least, we know who's responsible.

Yeti.

That's right. Bigfoot. He strolls right in and devours the stuff. Think about it. Have you ever heard anyone say what a Yeti eats? No? Well that's because Yeti experts fear that they would lose their credibility if they put forth the notion that Bigfoot eats office supplies.

I picture him hunkered down in the supply closet dumping a box of staples into his gapping jaws.

This is the only logical explanation.