The uproar over the little mishap is not helpful and it is unfounded. Not the mishap, but the uproar. Well, mishaps aren't helpful either, thus the name. It suggests that something happened that wasn't supposed to happen, or, something happened in a way that it was not supposed to. Hell, I'm off track. Anyway....
On Monday, Crock headquarters was notified of an incident that occurred at our distribution hub in Funkhouser, Illinois. Without going into details, the incident resulted in the spilling of a small amount of liquefied Uranium 238. Does that sound scary to you? Well let me ask this; are you a uranium expert? Are you a nuclear physicist?
If the answer is "no" to these questions, we respectfully ask that you shut your mouth about it. As stated in our press release, "the general public was never in any real danger." What part of that statement is unclear?
Although you probably have the ability to understand the statement and the common sense to accept it, it appears that many people do not. They're all in a tissy about radiation poisoning (whatever that is), and so-called "contamination" of the air and water supply in the greater Funkhouser metropolitan area. They say the risk of certain cancers, birth defects, and other adverse health impacts will linger for years to come.
First of all, uranium 238 is an isotope found in NATURALLY OCCURRING uranium ore. It only has a half-life of about 4.5 billion years in its natural state. This was liquefied, so it's half-life is less than 4.2 billion years. We have "safend" this stuff by 300 million years.
Secondly, we only spilled eight gallons of the stuff. That's not even enough to power The State of California for 27,000 years. We spill more than that on purpose during retooling.
Finally, the stuff was completely cleaned up in five minutes. Our trained staff, namely Herb Petersondalehofferdorf, former sanitation engineer and bowling team captain at the Funkhouser facility (may he rest in peace), followed emergency protocol and immediately grabbed a roll of paper towels. Not just any paper towels. We use Bounty, the quicker picker upper. When Herb realized that one roll wasn't going to cut it, he ran to grab a second roll. When he got back to the site of the spill, he found that some nice foreign men in weird full-body costumes had rolled up their sleeves (figuratively) and were actively gathering the spill into nice metallic containers.
Herb died a few minutes later of natural causes, but before he did he told us not to worry. He said the cleanup was complete and the material was being shipped to Iran so it wouldn't be a problem for us any longer.
I don't know about you, but I feel more comfortable believing the last words of a dying janitor than all these mad scientists and witch doctors. The other six employees at the plant didn't even get sick*, why should an entire metro area be worried?
There is nothing here to worry about. The problem has been contained.....in nice metallic containers....and shipped to Iran. I think they use it for fertilizer or hot sauce or something. Some damn fine salsa, I'm told.
*As of this post, none of the employees of the FDH have reported to work since the incident and their families have been calling wondering if they are working late....since Monday.
On a side note: we are now hiring at our Funkhouser Distribution Hub. All positions. Flexible schedule, competitive pay, excellent benefits package including health insurance, 401-K, danger, mystery, and intrigue. Interested individuals should post questions and qualifications on our facebook wall.
Showing posts with label Public Relations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Public Relations. Show all posts
Friday, April 13, 2012
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The Significance of Snazzy Pens
I've been thinking lately about how important it is to have a nice pen. Not very. I have pondered this quite some time. As I have met with many powerful and influential people over the years, I have taken note of the pens they use. I have also met with many non-essential humans, such as those whom I would interview for various low-level positions here at Crock, Inc. As I reflect on this matter, I have found that the niceness of one's pen is inversely proportional to one's status in life.
Many times, when I meet with the powerful and influential, I see that they carry a standard Bic 2360 Model click pen, a Scripto 1400 capped ball-point, or other equivalent model. Blue or black ink, it's about 50-50. Sometimes they don't bring a pen at all.
When interviewing candidates for common-folk type positions within this company, I find that they always bring their own pen. Nine times out of ten it's black ink. These things are usually very shiny silver with special grips and explosion-proof technology. I find that interesting.
Did you know that some of the richest people in the world carry handkerchiefs? This is weird. They actually blow their nose on a piece of cloth and then stuff it, snot and all, right back in their pockets. In this case, I wonder why they have ruled out the sleeve option. At least then, when the inter-pocket mingling happens, they wouldn't get snot on their cheap pens. I think that's why the commoners go with the sleeve, you know, because of the fancy pens.
I was also thinking that paper clips are funny. Somewhere, someone owns a business making these things. And staples! What about those? Imagine making staples for a living. I think a paperclip is just a less-permanent staple.
The other day I was talking with our rubber band sales guy and I found out something interesting; Did you know that the average commission on a rubber-band is half a cent per 100,000 units? I'm no mathematician, but how much do you think he takes home per year after taxes? I can't figure it out.
Someone needs to invent something to stop this fan from blowing the papers off of my desk.
I have a friend who's Unlce invented the little plastic tube things that they put on the end of shoelaces. He's a multi-millionaire and he writes with half of a broken crayon, light green.
Many times, when I meet with the powerful and influential, I see that they carry a standard Bic 2360 Model click pen, a Scripto 1400 capped ball-point, or other equivalent model. Blue or black ink, it's about 50-50. Sometimes they don't bring a pen at all.
When interviewing candidates for common-folk type positions within this company, I find that they always bring their own pen. Nine times out of ten it's black ink. These things are usually very shiny silver with special grips and explosion-proof technology. I find that interesting.
Did you know that some of the richest people in the world carry handkerchiefs? This is weird. They actually blow their nose on a piece of cloth and then stuff it, snot and all, right back in their pockets. In this case, I wonder why they have ruled out the sleeve option. At least then, when the inter-pocket mingling happens, they wouldn't get snot on their cheap pens. I think that's why the commoners go with the sleeve, you know, because of the fancy pens.
I was also thinking that paper clips are funny. Somewhere, someone owns a business making these things. And staples! What about those? Imagine making staples for a living. I think a paperclip is just a less-permanent staple.
The other day I was talking with our rubber band sales guy and I found out something interesting; Did you know that the average commission on a rubber-band is half a cent per 100,000 units? I'm no mathematician, but how much do you think he takes home per year after taxes? I can't figure it out.
Someone needs to invent something to stop this fan from blowing the papers off of my desk.
I have a friend who's Unlce invented the little plastic tube things that they put on the end of shoelaces. He's a multi-millionaire and he writes with half of a broken crayon, light green.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Secure the Northern Border First - If the Geese are any Indication
Perhaps you've heard, a couple of Geese tried to assassinate everyone aboard an Airbus A320 leaving Laguardia Airport on Thursday. They failed, thanks to the pilot's mad skills.
Despite what you might think, the Mexicans were not involved. I know it's hard to believe, but these were Canadian Geese. Canadians, especially the French ones, have never been known for their bravery or selfless acts. But these geese apparently had a mission, one that they knew would ultimately lead to their death. Nevertheless they gave their lives in an attempt to kill the passengers of the jet. That's not to say that the geese are to be heralded as heros. On the contrary. This was a cowardly act that deserves our immediate response.
I have ordered our defense contracting division to re-calibrate the existing secret missile defense system in conjunction with the Distant Early Warning (DEW) radar and satellite network watching the skies over the Canadian border. The re-calibration will allow the early detection and elimination of migratory birds and other flying organisms as they cross our Northern border, allowing the prompt destruction of such airborne enemies.
We must act. These were just geese. If a goose or two can bring down a jet, imagine the damage a flying Canadian human could do. It's almost unthinkable. Picture their flailing bodies plummeting from the skies and throwing themselves into jet engines, or worse, buildings. We must pre-empt this pending attack. I am prepared to do what it takes. Are you with me?
Despite what you might think, the Mexicans were not involved. I know it's hard to believe, but these were Canadian Geese. Canadians, especially the French ones, have never been known for their bravery or selfless acts. But these geese apparently had a mission, one that they knew would ultimately lead to their death. Nevertheless they gave their lives in an attempt to kill the passengers of the jet. That's not to say that the geese are to be heralded as heros. On the contrary. This was a cowardly act that deserves our immediate response.
I have ordered our defense contracting division to re-calibrate the existing secret missile defense system in conjunction with the Distant Early Warning (DEW) radar and satellite network watching the skies over the Canadian border. The re-calibration will allow the early detection and elimination of migratory birds and other flying organisms as they cross our Northern border, allowing the prompt destruction of such airborne enemies.
We must act. These were just geese. If a goose or two can bring down a jet, imagine the damage a flying Canadian human could do. It's almost unthinkable. Picture their flailing bodies plummeting from the skies and throwing themselves into jet engines, or worse, buildings. We must pre-empt this pending attack. I am prepared to do what it takes. Are you with me?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Blagojebitchin' (and FlankSham's Plan for Domination)
To Start, it's ILL-i-NOY, not, ILL-i-NOYZ. That lesson is for the left and right coast media folk who were saddled with the burden of being stuck in flyover country to cover the story and think up a clever name for it, like "Blagogate". Freakin' wizards you are!
Now, on to the people of Illinois. This in not your problem. You see, most people in this country don't realize that Illinois is a real state. Most people hear "Illinois", but think its a synonym for "Chicago". Or maybe they think Illinois is the Native American word for "Place where Chicago lives", and that Chicago is the Native American word for "Large Center of Culture and Industry accidentally located beside a lake instead of the ocean".
Whatever they think, they are missing the fact that 13 million people call Illinois home. Five million of these people live in Cook County and another 3 million in the counties that surround it. (Don't look it up. Just trust me.) So there are like 8 million out of the 13 million state residents who live in "Chicagoland". That makes it very easy for Chicago to run the state. The problem is, even Chicago residents forget that there is life below Joliet. A roving band of wild political attack-dogs could rampage through the mighty kingdom of Chi-town in a matter of a week of two and effectively turn elections. When this happens, the end result is an anomaly, a political abnormality that would never occur naturally. For example, someone named Rod gets elected Governor.
Since natural elections cannot occur in the state of Illinois, our man Flanksham has us covered. You see, for years now Flanksham has been operating a little-known division of Crock, Inc. out of a garage somewhere south of Beecher City, Illinois. The multi-million dollar Military-Grade Voice and Data Network Infrastructure Surplus Materials Resale Division is unofficially the world's largest e-Bay store.
FlankSham has formulated a plan to take back the state in which his division operates. As he puts it, "If you're going to take over the world, you gotta start in Illinois".
Under this plan, FlankSham will use revenue's generated from his MGVDNISMR Division to fund a program he calls "Operation Stay Home Chicago". The operation begins with the 2012 election cycle. In exchange for all Chicago area voters staying home on election day and not casting ballots, program operatives will retrofit the lockers of each member of the Chicago Cubs Team with pictures of a real true genuine official World Series Ring. That should keep them happy for another hundred-plus years. Not to mention, it allows downstate voters to have a voice. That's the American way!
Thank You FlankSham!
Now, on to the people of Illinois. This in not your problem. You see, most people in this country don't realize that Illinois is a real state. Most people hear "Illinois", but think its a synonym for "Chicago". Or maybe they think Illinois is the Native American word for "Place where Chicago lives", and that Chicago is the Native American word for "Large Center of Culture and Industry accidentally located beside a lake instead of the ocean".
Whatever they think, they are missing the fact that 13 million people call Illinois home. Five million of these people live in Cook County and another 3 million in the counties that surround it. (Don't look it up. Just trust me.) So there are like 8 million out of the 13 million state residents who live in "Chicagoland". That makes it very easy for Chicago to run the state. The problem is, even Chicago residents forget that there is life below Joliet. A roving band of wild political attack-dogs could rampage through the mighty kingdom of Chi-town in a matter of a week of two and effectively turn elections. When this happens, the end result is an anomaly, a political abnormality that would never occur naturally. For example, someone named Rod gets elected Governor.
Since natural elections cannot occur in the state of Illinois, our man Flanksham has us covered. You see, for years now Flanksham has been operating a little-known division of Crock, Inc. out of a garage somewhere south of Beecher City, Illinois. The multi-million dollar Military-Grade Voice and Data Network Infrastructure Surplus Materials Resale Division is unofficially the world's largest e-Bay store.
FlankSham has formulated a plan to take back the state in which his division operates. As he puts it, "If you're going to take over the world, you gotta start in Illinois".
Under this plan, FlankSham will use revenue's generated from his MGVDNISMR Division to fund a program he calls "Operation Stay Home Chicago". The operation begins with the 2012 election cycle. In exchange for all Chicago area voters staying home on election day and not casting ballots, program operatives will retrofit the lockers of each member of the Chicago Cubs Team with pictures of a real true genuine official World Series Ring. That should keep them happy for another hundred-plus years. Not to mention, it allows downstate voters to have a voice. That's the American way!
Thank You FlankSham!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Financial Status Report Projection Summary Declaration
Dear Shareholders,
Half-way through the second week of the first month of the third quarter of fiscal year 2008 seems like a good time for an update on the financial state of Crock, Inc. I know you are all wondering what is happening here. You've probably watched anxiously with baited breath as your stock sat there, unchanged, throughout the year thus far. You may have patiently waited for the signal telling you to sell off or, as NSYNC once said, buy, buy, buy. That sign has not appeared to you to this point. Although some have reported seeing the Virgin Mary in a punch-bowl, others a squash that looks like Richard Nixon, no one has witnessed any movement in their Crock, Inc. stock.
The reasons for this are many, and this update may quench your thirst for knowledge as to what-in-blue-blazes is going on right now.
First, we have struggled with some numbers. When we balance our accounts, each time we get the same result. At this point we must believe the numbers. (Forgive me if this is over your head. You may want to consult your accountant for assistance in understanding all of this jargon.) Our financial situational well-being (or not-goodness as the case may be) is derived from this simple formula:
Income - Expenses = Profit (I-E=P).
When using this formula and plugging our to-date numbers in place of the respective letters, and doing the "math", we come up with this answer: P=ZERO.
From this, we can determine that we've spent exactly the same as we've brought in.
How impossible is this?
a) Extremely Impossible
b) Sort-of Impossible
c) Not Very Impossible
If you choose "a", then you are correct. It is extremely impossible for a corporation to spend exactly, to the penny, what they take in, and it's also highly unlikely. That being said, it is barley probable that this could happen. However, we checked it twice. It's true.
This brought us to another conundrum (almost like a P.T.B.F.O.). Since the numbers seem to indicate a lack of profit, to state the obvious, we were perplexed. "Are we a non-profit corporation?", I asked. The board members said no. I said, "Well if we have no profit, then we're a non-profit corporation." This lead to days of debate. They finally convinced my that I was mistaking a "corporation-with-no-profit "for a "not-for-profit" corporation or a charitable organization.
So that is now settled. No more worries about Crock, Inc. becoming charitable. The stock should rise immediately now that this speculation is ended.
At the current pace, we can stay in business indefinitely. It would be very easy for us to simply buy one less roll of toilet paper in the next six months and turn a profit of whatever a roll of toilet paper would have cost us. I think they're like....$36.00 each or so. So shareholders, you may go boldly forth with confidence that we are prepared to take the necessary steps to shore up our perceived value and secure our future. But please note that we most likely won't cut back on toilet paper.
Thank You All,
Prez
Half-way through the second week of the first month of the third quarter of fiscal year 2008 seems like a good time for an update on the financial state of Crock, Inc. I know you are all wondering what is happening here. You've probably watched anxiously with baited breath as your stock sat there, unchanged, throughout the year thus far. You may have patiently waited for the signal telling you to sell off or, as NSYNC once said, buy, buy, buy. That sign has not appeared to you to this point. Although some have reported seeing the Virgin Mary in a punch-bowl, others a squash that looks like Richard Nixon, no one has witnessed any movement in their Crock, Inc. stock.
The reasons for this are many, and this update may quench your thirst for knowledge as to what-in-blue-blazes is going on right now.
First, we have struggled with some numbers. When we balance our accounts, each time we get the same result. At this point we must believe the numbers. (Forgive me if this is over your head. You may want to consult your accountant for assistance in understanding all of this jargon.) Our financial situational well-being (or not-goodness as the case may be) is derived from this simple formula:
Income - Expenses = Profit (I-E=P).
When using this formula and plugging our to-date numbers in place of the respective letters, and doing the "math", we come up with this answer: P=ZERO.
From this, we can determine that we've spent exactly the same as we've brought in.
How impossible is this?
a) Extremely Impossible
b) Sort-of Impossible
c) Not Very Impossible
If you choose "a", then you are correct. It is extremely impossible for a corporation to spend exactly, to the penny, what they take in, and it's also highly unlikely. That being said, it is barley probable that this could happen. However, we checked it twice. It's true.
This brought us to another conundrum (almost like a P.T.B.F.O.). Since the numbers seem to indicate a lack of profit, to state the obvious, we were perplexed. "Are we a non-profit corporation?", I asked. The board members said no. I said, "Well if we have no profit, then we're a non-profit corporation." This lead to days of debate. They finally convinced my that I was mistaking a "corporation-with-no-profit "for a "not-for-profit" corporation or a charitable organization.
So that is now settled. No more worries about Crock, Inc. becoming charitable. The stock should rise immediately now that this speculation is ended.
At the current pace, we can stay in business indefinitely. It would be very easy for us to simply buy one less roll of toilet paper in the next six months and turn a profit of whatever a roll of toilet paper would have cost us. I think they're like....$36.00 each or so. So shareholders, you may go boldly forth with confidence that we are prepared to take the necessary steps to shore up our perceived value and secure our future. But please note that we most likely won't cut back on toilet paper.
Thank You All,
Prez
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
At Our Picnic, You Get to Pick
It's company picnic season again. Not only can you choose Hot Dogs or Hamburgers, Cole Slaw or Potato Salad, to drink yourself silly or not, this year we thought we'd allow you to decide what entertainment you want at the picnic. Last year, the Juggling Bears were not a hit. I would have expected better, after all, I won their appearance in a radio contest. Who Knew?
The picnic this year will be different. You can choose from any of the wonderful entertainers currently signed to our talent management division. The appropriate choices are listed below. You may place your vote by commenting to this post or emailing me.
Salmonella and the Raisinettes
Janet Hortburn and the Steel Back Plates (Accompanied by Marthmouth the Extreme Dogsex’r)
Aged Cheddar and the Smoked Gouda Wheels
Nine Tenths of a Four Pound Midget
Peanut Butter Bob's Honey Roasted Rat Terrier Band
The Whistlepiss Comedy Revue
People with Bad Posture - A Living Sculpture
Randy the Great
The Alabama Bubble-Blowers Present: Many Varieties of Bubble Sizes
Fattie Pimpleface - Motivational Speaker
The Decapitated Kitten Family of Sesame Street
Tea Baggers United
Led Zeppelin
My Friend Clernce (That's not the name of the act, it's actually a friend of mine who's name is Clernce)
Sewage is Delicious - Advice for Recycling, Brought to you by Al Gore
Robert G. Forearm, Star of the hit Reality Series "The Prostate Examiner"
Tony Danza
The Inanimate Glob of Beef
Fish McGinty and the Worcestershire Sauce All-Stars
The Boyz From Jackson Hole Y'all
Hide and Disappear - The Invisible Dueling Magicians
The Company Picnic Destroyers
The Juggling Bears
The picnic this year will be different. You can choose from any of the wonderful entertainers currently signed to our talent management division. The appropriate choices are listed below. You may place your vote by commenting to this post or emailing me.
Salmonella and the Raisinettes
Janet Hortburn and the Steel Back Plates (Accompanied by Marthmouth the Extreme Dogsex’r)
Aged Cheddar and the Smoked Gouda Wheels
Nine Tenths of a Four Pound Midget
Peanut Butter Bob's Honey Roasted Rat Terrier Band
The Whistlepiss Comedy Revue
People with Bad Posture - A Living Sculpture
Randy the Great
The Alabama Bubble-Blowers Present: Many Varieties of Bubble Sizes
Fattie Pimpleface - Motivational Speaker
The Decapitated Kitten Family of Sesame Street
Tea Baggers United
Led Zeppelin
My Friend Clernce (That's not the name of the act, it's actually a friend of mine who's name is Clernce)
Sewage is Delicious - Advice for Recycling, Brought to you by Al Gore
Robert G. Forearm, Star of the hit Reality Series "The Prostate Examiner"
Tony Danza
The Inanimate Glob of Beef
Fish McGinty and the Worcestershire Sauce All-Stars
The Boyz From Jackson Hole Y'all
Hide and Disappear - The Invisible Dueling Magicians
The Company Picnic Destroyers
The Juggling Bears
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The Check's in the Mail...and Eleven Other Things People Say to Avoid Paying
I remember back in the early days when I had to hassle myself with everyday business tasks (back when I was working in the business instead of on the business). I used to have to pick up the phone and call the customers who were late on payments. In our business, we call this task "collections". Perhaps you've heard of it.
Looking back, I think I generally enjoyed this task. You get some real "pieces of work".
I've compiled a list of some of the excuses people had for non-payment along with my response for each.
1) The Check is in the mail.
We've all heard that one, and maybe used it a time of two ourselves. It's especially funny though when the customer is in the same building as you.
2) I suffer from a rare medical condition that has drained me financially.
I didn't know gambling and prostitutes were considered medical conditions, but that's what insurance is for.
3) I was on my way to bring you the money but I was swallowed by a whale.
Everyone knows that whales will spit humans out after a couple of days. Especially those Mid-western whales.
Or
You get great cell service from inside a whale. Are all those Verizon Network guys in there with you?
4) I paid you once.
Oh sorry, my mistake. Shoulda caught that one.
5) My wife handles the bills and she is locked in a cage in the basement at the moment.
(Click)
6) Ich verstehe Englisch nicht.
Pardon?
7) You people make me sick with your "always wanting paid for products or services rendered".
Ohhhhh. You are not paying to make a political statement? You hate capitalism for a living? Do they have a good benefits package?
8) Can I call you right back? My brother just found a dead cat in the crawlspace and I gotta check it for ticks.
Never mind. Just keep the money.
9) You sound like a reasonable man. Would you accept a 1933 steel penny as payment? It's worth $1400 easy.
If you give me 140000 of them, we'll call it even.
10) Dude! Is it like, before noon? It's way too early to be saying numbers and stuff.
Dude! I'll call you back when you are awake and baked.
11) You'll get your money with interest. Right now it's tied up in an investment. I've figured a way to beat the odds on scratch-off Lottery Tickets.
Awesome. How can I get in on that?
12) I've spent all my money on my research. I am very close to refining cat piss into a usable fuel source.
Awesome! How do I get in on that?
Looking back, I think I generally enjoyed this task. You get some real "pieces of work".
I've compiled a list of some of the excuses people had for non-payment along with my response for each.
1) The Check is in the mail.
We've all heard that one, and maybe used it a time of two ourselves. It's especially funny though when the customer is in the same building as you.
2) I suffer from a rare medical condition that has drained me financially.
I didn't know gambling and prostitutes were considered medical conditions, but that's what insurance is for.
3) I was on my way to bring you the money but I was swallowed by a whale.
Everyone knows that whales will spit humans out after a couple of days. Especially those Mid-western whales.
Or
You get great cell service from inside a whale. Are all those Verizon Network guys in there with you?
4) I paid you once.
Oh sorry, my mistake. Shoulda caught that one.
5) My wife handles the bills and she is locked in a cage in the basement at the moment.
(Click)
6) Ich verstehe Englisch nicht.
Pardon?
7) You people make me sick with your "always wanting paid for products or services rendered".
Ohhhhh. You are not paying to make a political statement? You hate capitalism for a living? Do they have a good benefits package?
8) Can I call you right back? My brother just found a dead cat in the crawlspace and I gotta check it for ticks.
Never mind. Just keep the money.
9) You sound like a reasonable man. Would you accept a 1933 steel penny as payment? It's worth $1400 easy.
If you give me 140000 of them, we'll call it even.
10) Dude! Is it like, before noon? It's way too early to be saying numbers and stuff.
Dude! I'll call you back when you are awake and baked.
11) You'll get your money with interest. Right now it's tied up in an investment. I've figured a way to beat the odds on scratch-off Lottery Tickets.
Awesome. How can I get in on that?
12) I've spent all my money on my research. I am very close to refining cat piss into a usable fuel source.
Awesome! How do I get in on that?
Monday, March 10, 2008
Keeping Your Job While Your Co-workers Get the Axe
As the media continues to pound negative economic news into the minds of the masses, there will undoubtedly be some impact on the reality of the job market, the stock market, and the economy in general. The fact is, it's already started to show itself. It won't be long and the whole "Corporate Downsizing" theme will hit the news again, or the "Outsourcing of Jobs" topic shows up in the headlines again. As an executive of a major false corporation, I can't express to you how sick it all makes me. What I can do, is offer you some advice that may help you remain employed when your company starts to cut or move jobs. I will now cast my analysis upon an ehow.com article on job security. This is my public service duty for the year, so enjoy. (Items in italics are from the article).
Step 1:Examine the requirements and qualifications of your current job.
If your job can be done by a high school student or an animal, you may be in trouble (unless you are a high school student or an animal). I know there are some very smart monkeys out there but you, as an adult human, are going to need some kind of a skill if you want to keep your job. Juggling, burping the alphabet, and solving a Rubik's Cube with your toes are not really marketable skills.
Step 2:Check the education requirements of the current job.
Did you graduate High School? Actually, that does not matter as much as if you can read or write, or comprehend simple instructions. Most jobs will not allow you to remain employed if you are not able to perform the task assigned. If your supervisor tells you to but tab A into slot B for eight hours every day, you will be lucky if you're still employed after asking him to repeat the instructions for the twelfth time. However, if you are one of those people, and you can hang in there long enough, new legislation may make it impossible for your employer to fire you. You could get your prosthetic arm stuck in the press every five minutes and you'd still be entitled to your job. Soon, it will be against the law to discriminate against stupidity. Good luck to you.
Step 3:Ask your supervisor about extra assignments or duties that you can do. Putting forth extra effort in the current job will help you develop a reputation as a person who is willing to go the extra mile.
So true. Brown-nose hard! Get right in there and ask if they need some shoes shined, laundry done, yards mowed, etc. Polish their balls. Give it your all, they'll love you. Really.
Step 4:Display a positive attitude.
Smile once in a while. It never killed anyone (smile as if to proclaim "I've never killed anyone"). When someone asks you how it's going, tell them in a positive manner. Don't grumble and complain or kick them in the crotch. Chances are they didn't really care anyway, they just asked to be nice. If you're negative, they will move on and not think of you again. If you're happy and upbeat, they will remember (or think you're loony). They will want to hang out with you (or hang you). Also remember to whistle all the time. Constantly. There are plenty of songs to whistle that will boost your moral (and make those you work with want to dump your body in the nearest river). Try the theme to the Andy Griffith Show, or Otis Redding's Dock of the Bay, or even Patience by Guns n' Roses.
Step 5:Offer to take a salary cut if the company is cutting back or experiencing a severe budget crisis.
Walk right up to the office and demand a pay cut. Ask them if it would be possible to work for without pay two days a week. That'll really get 'em loving you. It may get you reduced to a two day work week also. Dude! Sweet! If you get fired after this one, I can no longer be of assistance to you.
Step 6:Stay late, and put in extra effort where needed.
Work your two day week, but stay late both days. Hell, arrive early too. Show them your commitment to the company and the job.
Step 7:Connect with the co-workers and management by participating in activities outside of the job.
Consider having everyone over to your place, at your own expense. Set the bar high and set it early. Start drinking before the guests arrive and really pound 'em down. Be sure you are good and "crocked" by the time everyone arrives so that they see what kind of a party it's going to be. Throwing up wouldn't hurt either. Especially if you could get a little on the shoes of the bosses wife. This is a great ice-breaker and it will be talked about for weeks to come.
You're welcome in advance.
Step 1:Examine the requirements and qualifications of your current job.
If your job can be done by a high school student or an animal, you may be in trouble (unless you are a high school student or an animal). I know there are some very smart monkeys out there but you, as an adult human, are going to need some kind of a skill if you want to keep your job. Juggling, burping the alphabet, and solving a Rubik's Cube with your toes are not really marketable skills.
Step 2:Check the education requirements of the current job.
Did you graduate High School? Actually, that does not matter as much as if you can read or write, or comprehend simple instructions. Most jobs will not allow you to remain employed if you are not able to perform the task assigned. If your supervisor tells you to but tab A into slot B for eight hours every day, you will be lucky if you're still employed after asking him to repeat the instructions for the twelfth time. However, if you are one of those people, and you can hang in there long enough, new legislation may make it impossible for your employer to fire you. You could get your prosthetic arm stuck in the press every five minutes and you'd still be entitled to your job. Soon, it will be against the law to discriminate against stupidity. Good luck to you.
Step 3:Ask your supervisor about extra assignments or duties that you can do. Putting forth extra effort in the current job will help you develop a reputation as a person who is willing to go the extra mile.
So true. Brown-nose hard! Get right in there and ask if they need some shoes shined, laundry done, yards mowed, etc. Polish their balls. Give it your all, they'll love you. Really.
Step 4:Display a positive attitude.
Smile once in a while. It never killed anyone (smile as if to proclaim "I've never killed anyone"). When someone asks you how it's going, tell them in a positive manner. Don't grumble and complain or kick them in the crotch. Chances are they didn't really care anyway, they just asked to be nice. If you're negative, they will move on and not think of you again. If you're happy and upbeat, they will remember (or think you're loony). They will want to hang out with you (or hang you). Also remember to whistle all the time. Constantly. There are plenty of songs to whistle that will boost your moral (and make those you work with want to dump your body in the nearest river). Try the theme to the Andy Griffith Show, or Otis Redding's Dock of the Bay, or even Patience by Guns n' Roses.
Step 5:Offer to take a salary cut if the company is cutting back or experiencing a severe budget crisis.
Walk right up to the office and demand a pay cut. Ask them if it would be possible to work for without pay two days a week. That'll really get 'em loving you. It may get you reduced to a two day work week also. Dude! Sweet! If you get fired after this one, I can no longer be of assistance to you.
Step 6:Stay late, and put in extra effort where needed.
Work your two day week, but stay late both days. Hell, arrive early too. Show them your commitment to the company and the job.
Step 7:Connect with the co-workers and management by participating in activities outside of the job.
Consider having everyone over to your place, at your own expense. Set the bar high and set it early. Start drinking before the guests arrive and really pound 'em down. Be sure you are good and "crocked" by the time everyone arrives so that they see what kind of a party it's going to be. Throwing up wouldn't hurt either. Especially if you could get a little on the shoes of the bosses wife. This is a great ice-breaker and it will be talked about for weeks to come.
You're welcome in advance.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Are You Getting This?
So you say you don't "get" Crock, Inc.? It's not surprising. Allow me to explain the unexplainable.
There is really nothing to "get" other than the fact that there is nothing to "get". If you read this knowing that there is nothing to "get" then you won't be disappointed when you don't "get" it. If, perchance, you do happen to "get" something out of what you have read, then we're going to need to talk about it. RETRACT! Never mind.
You might find something that you "get" and then we'll have to talk. I try not to do that if at all possible.
It's actually very simple. If you read this non-informational, fictitious, nonsensical, improperly written so-called-blog, and you find something of interest (or of non-interest), please comment about it. Take a look at some of the comments to prior posts. Those people "get" it. Do you know why? Because they realize that I have no idea what on the green earth I'm talking about half the time, and the other half of the time I'm asleep. They comment with things that strike them. Much in the same way a charismatic televangelist whizzes people up into a tongue-talking frenzy, Crock nonsense (heads up! new term coinage about to occur) or "crocksense", can cause spontaneous writing about nothing in particular.
There is something that Crock Executive, Shareholders, Staff members, and sympathizers share. It's something that you probably didn't know existed in the natural world. It's something that we have operated with for 19 years now, and it's about time that we reveal it to the world so that everyone can tap into it.
It's called: Intragelligence.
This term was first used by an associate of mine from the Southern Particulator Notch Belt-buffer Department. They call him.........Tim? (pronounced "Tim" but actually spelled R-O-C-K)
Anyway, let me break this word down for you to help you "get" it.
Take 1) the prefix intra, meaning "within", 2) the word Integral, meaning "a necessary part of a whole", and 3)the word intelligence, meaning "capacity for learning, reasoning, and understanding" and mash them all together like a Big Mac (all sloppy and falling apart....don't do this while you're driving)....and you "get" Intragelligence.
It's the opposite of "Conventional Wisdom".
So throw what you think you know out the window. Forget about understanding as you used to know it. Dive in. Get inside your own capacity for reason and become one with it. Use your Intragelligence to accept what Crock is offering you. Nothing at all.
Email me to join the mailing list and further confuse the matter.
Also, stay tuned for a new feature called "Fishing with the Prez". Coming soon.
There is really nothing to "get" other than the fact that there is nothing to "get". If you read this knowing that there is nothing to "get" then you won't be disappointed when you don't "get" it. If, perchance, you do happen to "get" something out of what you have read, then we're going to need to talk about it. RETRACT! Never mind.
You might find something that you "get" and then we'll have to talk. I try not to do that if at all possible.
It's actually very simple. If you read this non-informational, fictitious, nonsensical, improperly written so-called-blog, and you find something of interest (or of non-interest), please comment about it. Take a look at some of the comments to prior posts. Those people "get" it. Do you know why? Because they realize that I have no idea what on the green earth I'm talking about half the time, and the other half of the time I'm asleep. They comment with things that strike them. Much in the same way a charismatic televangelist whizzes people up into a tongue-talking frenzy, Crock nonsense (heads up! new term coinage about to occur) or "crocksense", can cause spontaneous writing about nothing in particular.
There is something that Crock Executive, Shareholders, Staff members, and sympathizers share. It's something that you probably didn't know existed in the natural world. It's something that we have operated with for 19 years now, and it's about time that we reveal it to the world so that everyone can tap into it.
It's called: Intragelligence.
This term was first used by an associate of mine from the Southern Particulator Notch Belt-buffer Department. They call him.........Tim? (pronounced "Tim" but actually spelled R-O-C-K)
Anyway, let me break this word down for you to help you "get" it.
Take 1) the prefix intra, meaning "within", 2) the word Integral, meaning "a necessary part of a whole", and 3)the word intelligence, meaning "capacity for learning, reasoning, and understanding" and mash them all together like a Big Mac (all sloppy and falling apart....don't do this while you're driving)....and you "get" Intragelligence.
It's the opposite of "Conventional Wisdom".
So throw what you think you know out the window. Forget about understanding as you used to know it. Dive in. Get inside your own capacity for reason and become one with it. Use your Intragelligence to accept what Crock is offering you. Nothing at all.
Email me to join the mailing list and further confuse the matter.
Also, stay tuned for a new feature called "Fishing with the Prez". Coming soon.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The Crock, Inc. Energy Policy: Beef it Up
Here at Crock, Inc., we believe that happiness in the workplace starts at the top. We strive to empower and motivate our staff by creating a positive atmosphere in which they may grow. I personally hold a short motivational seminar each month to rejuvenate the peons...I mean..the workforce.
Now, especially for you, I'm going to reveal the subject matter of next month's motivational seminar. It's centered around one word;
Energy.
Why energy, you ask? Well let's take a look at some synonyms for the word "energy" and see how it can be applied in the workplace.
Energy, a noun, is synonymous with Drive, Efficiency, and Endurance. We encourage all of these. Also, Liveliness, Might , and Moxie. We love those too. Pep, Pizzazz, Power. The first two are great. The third; we'll be sure and limit that one to avoid problems. What about Spirit, Stamina, and Strength? All positive and condoned by management.
Here's something that I found interesting: get-up-and-go is one word. Go figure. It's also a synonym for energy.
As I researched, I found all of this to be great and applicable. That is until I saw one word that did not seem to belong. According to Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.3.1)Copyright © 2008 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved, this word is also synonymous with energy. The word is..........BEEF! You heard it here first. Beef=Energy. If you don't believe me, check it out here.
Now I'm working on incorporating this into my seminar. How is beef motivational? I'm thinking of going the route of "Where's the Beef?" as a catch phrase to be said whenever someone is a little off their goame or feeling down. Or perhaps "Beefing up" our daily routine. Maybe even something like "Need a pick-me-up? Just add Beef!". Moo-tivational? There is a lot at steak.
Whatever.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
What is Crock, Inc.?
If you answered “The Champions of the World” then you are correct. But we are also much more than that.
Founded in 1989 by a group of entrepreneurial high-school students (punk-asses) from small-town USA, Crock has gone through some changes. As the founders went their separate ways after high school, the "business" went dormant for a few years. In Early 2001, it was revived in a weekly emailed subscription newsletter. The newsletter was cancelled by the Department of Mass Email Permitting and Documentation for Non-existent Corporations (DMEPDNEC).
Sharon, who was then in charge of Permits and Documentation, evidentially filed the application under a company called "Bean Crock, Inc.". Steak n' Shake pitched a Holy Living' fit about it and "raised a stink" with the DMEPDNEC, who then shut us down. But we're back!! This time we've filed the paperwork properly and Sharon (now working in the mail room) brought me the permit for 'Blogging by a Non-existent Corporation' on February 15th, 2008. In Your Face Governmental Regulating Body!!
Crock, Inc. is a fictitious Corporation created for the sole purpose of being an outlet for a particular style of ridiculousness, or ridiculocity, as the case may be. The ridiculi could, at times, be described as “humor”, possibly wrapped in “satire”, potentially set on fire and perhaps launched headlong through the boardroom of any true and existing major corporation on earth.
You see, the product that Crock, Inc. would provide, if it were indeed a real corporation, is…….well, nothing. But, Crock would provide a service. That much is for sure. This service would be…..taking a good look at today’s corporate world and making fun of it until it cries for it’s mommy. We call it “Corporate Horror”. I’m not suggesting that major corporate executives would tremble in their loafers at the likes of us. They won't. This is why our fake business has a fake business plan.
Without going into great detail, I can tell you that this plan involves the infiltration of major corporations, and doing one or both of the following:
1) Sucking the life out of them by using up their most valuable resource; their time.
2) Injecting a spark of liveliness and cheer into their downtrodden staff.
You see, Crock will target Mr. Nine-to-fiver while he sits at his cubicle. He will no longer need to play minesweeper, or surf MySpace with the sound turned off, or take a power nap with his chin in has hands so it looks like he’s studying an important report. He can now proudly read over his daily Crock with a smile on his face. The only side effect could be periodical outbursts of "WTF?!?". He’ll leave his cube with a spring in his step and whistle his way to the coffee maker. He will infect his co-workers with is upbeat attitude. They’ll ask him why he’s in such a good mood. He’ll say, “CROCK”. Thus begins the chain reaction that will shift company resources from doing nothing, to working for Crock, Inc. while getting paid from the other guys.
Founded in 1989 by a group of entrepreneurial high-school students (punk-asses) from small-town USA, Crock has gone through some changes. As the founders went their separate ways after high school, the "business" went dormant for a few years. In Early 2001, it was revived in a weekly emailed subscription newsletter. The newsletter was cancelled by the Department of Mass Email Permitting and Documentation for Non-existent Corporations (DMEPDNEC).
Sharon, who was then in charge of Permits and Documentation, evidentially filed the application under a company called "Bean Crock, Inc.". Steak n' Shake pitched a Holy Living' fit about it and "raised a stink" with the DMEPDNEC, who then shut us down. But we're back!! This time we've filed the paperwork properly and Sharon (now working in the mail room) brought me the permit for 'Blogging by a Non-existent Corporation' on February 15th, 2008. In Your Face Governmental Regulating Body!!
Crock, Inc. is a fictitious Corporation created for the sole purpose of being an outlet for a particular style of ridiculousness, or ridiculocity, as the case may be. The ridiculi could, at times, be described as “humor”, possibly wrapped in “satire”, potentially set on fire and perhaps launched headlong through the boardroom of any true and existing major corporation on earth.
You see, the product that Crock, Inc. would provide, if it were indeed a real corporation, is…….well, nothing. But, Crock would provide a service. That much is for sure. This service would be…..taking a good look at today’s corporate world and making fun of it until it cries for it’s mommy. We call it “Corporate Horror”. I’m not suggesting that major corporate executives would tremble in their loafers at the likes of us. They won't. This is why our fake business has a fake business plan.
Without going into great detail, I can tell you that this plan involves the infiltration of major corporations, and doing one or both of the following:
1) Sucking the life out of them by using up their most valuable resource; their time.
2) Injecting a spark of liveliness and cheer into their downtrodden staff.
You see, Crock will target Mr. Nine-to-fiver while he sits at his cubicle. He will no longer need to play minesweeper, or surf MySpace with the sound turned off, or take a power nap with his chin in has hands so it looks like he’s studying an important report. He can now proudly read over his daily Crock with a smile on his face. The only side effect could be periodical outbursts of "WTF?!?". He’ll leave his cube with a spring in his step and whistle his way to the coffee maker. He will infect his co-workers with is upbeat attitude. They’ll ask him why he’s in such a good mood. He’ll say, “CROCK”. Thus begins the chain reaction that will shift company resources from doing nothing, to working for Crock, Inc. while getting paid from the other guys.
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