The uproar over the little mishap is not helpful and it is unfounded. Not the mishap, but the uproar. Well, mishaps aren't helpful either, thus the name. It suggests that something happened that wasn't supposed to happen, or, something happened in a way that it was not supposed to. Hell, I'm off track. Anyway....
On Monday, Crock headquarters was notified of an incident that occurred at our distribution hub in Funkhouser, Illinois. Without going into details, the incident resulted in the spilling of a small amount of liquefied Uranium 238. Does that sound scary to you? Well let me ask this; are you a uranium expert? Are you a nuclear physicist?
If the answer is "no" to these questions, we respectfully ask that you shut your mouth about it. As stated in our press release, "the general public was never in any real danger." What part of that statement is unclear?
Although you probably have the ability to understand the statement and the common sense to accept it, it appears that many people do not. They're all in a tissy about radiation poisoning (whatever that is), and so-called "contamination" of the air and water supply in the greater Funkhouser metropolitan area. They say the risk of certain cancers, birth defects, and other adverse health impacts will linger for years to come.
First of all, uranium 238 is an isotope found in NATURALLY OCCURRING uranium ore. It only has a half-life of about 4.5 billion years in its natural state. This was liquefied, so it's half-life is less than 4.2 billion years. We have "safend" this stuff by 300 million years.
Secondly, we only spilled eight gallons of the stuff. That's not even enough to power The State of California for 27,000 years. We spill more than that on purpose during retooling.
Finally, the stuff was completely cleaned up in five minutes. Our trained staff, namely Herb Petersondalehofferdorf, former sanitation engineer and bowling team captain at the Funkhouser facility (may he rest in peace), followed emergency protocol and immediately grabbed a roll of paper towels. Not just any paper towels. We use Bounty, the quicker picker upper. When Herb realized that one roll wasn't going to cut it, he ran to grab a second roll. When he got back to the site of the spill, he found that some nice foreign men in weird full-body costumes had rolled up their sleeves (figuratively) and were actively gathering the spill into nice metallic containers.
Herb died a few minutes later of natural causes, but before he did he told us not to worry. He said the cleanup was complete and the material was being shipped to Iran so it wouldn't be a problem for us any longer.
I don't know about you, but I feel more comfortable believing the last words of a dying janitor than all these mad scientists and witch doctors. The other six employees at the plant didn't even get sick*, why should an entire metro area be worried?
There is nothing here to worry about. The problem has been contained.....in nice metallic containers....and shipped to Iran. I think they use it for fertilizer or hot sauce or something. Some damn fine salsa, I'm told.
*As of this post, none of the employees of the FDH have reported to work since the incident and their families have been calling wondering if they are working late....since Monday.
On a side note: we are now hiring at our Funkhouser Distribution Hub. All positions. Flexible schedule, competitive pay, excellent benefits package including health insurance, 401-K, danger, mystery, and intrigue. Interested individuals should post questions and qualifications on our facebook wall.
1 comment:
This isn't real. Is it? No. It isn't real. I could use a job though.
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